Two boobs good, four boobs better

Astrology, it’s a load of old bollox really. People looking to the stars to predict how a person’s week will unfold based on the time that that person was born? Bollox.

“Sagittarius will have an interesting week as Jupiter stops by to borrow some sugar.” Bollox, that sounds like a David Bowie lyric.

I have no time for it or anyone who says “But Mary from number 43 read in her stars that she’d come into money and last Thursday she won at Bingo.” Bollox. Last week having gone to Bingo every week for twenty seven years, the odds finally cut her a break and paid her back a fraction of what she had paid out.

Bollox.

According to these people I’m a Capricorn and anyone born a few days either side of my birthday will have a completely different life? That’s not astrology, that’s life. The person born a few cubicles either side of the one I emerged form in the Rotunda has had a completely different life, but the astrologers didn’t see the crib switching coming, did they?

I could go on and on, but you get the message. I think it’s bollox. To try and educate those who are still unbelievers in my way of thinking. I have taken a simple line from each star signs reading for the month from a site that updates regularly and translated it into sane persons language.

Each month I’ll do the same, be sure to let us know if anything ever comes true.  I won’t hold my breath.

Here we go….

ARIES:
“…… and if you’re lucky enough to be holidaying abroad, romance could be on the menu with someone met unexpectedly whom you like spontaneously.”

You mean a holiday fling? What crazy son of a bitch would ever have thunk that? Bollox.

TAURUS:
“…… Bosses may be vague in their instructions this week, and you may find yourself distracted by your plans for home.”

If you keep daydreaming like a fourth year student on work experience, I’ll sack your sorry ass. It’s not that vague really, is it?

GEMINI:
“….. Hopefully this week will find you stretched out on some idyllic beach reading romantic novels to your heart’s content Gemini.”

Fuck me, another holiday related reading in August? True inspiration. Keep an eye out for a slutty Aries by the pool when the Mills & Boon stops doing the trick.

CANCER:
“……Beware speeding this week as you could be subject to unexpected fines….”

If you’re speeding, you shouldn’t find the fine that arrives “unexpected”. Unless you’re a Cancer. Is cancer Latin for dumb?

LEO:
“….. With so much activity in your sign again this week Leo, you should be at your most captivating. Partners may be a little economical with the truth this week, not intentionally to deceive perhaps, but possibly to protect you both from any ugly surprises that could be emerging from the woodwork, particularly where finances are concerned…..”

You were too busy working to realise that she’s spent all the money on Jimmy Choos and the Visa bill in on the way under armed guard. The truth is the only fecking thing she was economical with!

VIRGO:
“….. You could be at your feistiest this week and keen to win out in any arguments with partners….”

Now is the time to play the “I never got over coming home to find you having alone time with midget porn” card. May not win the argument if you are yourself, a midget.

LIBRA:
“…… Your great friendliness and outgoingness should come to the fore this week and win you many friends and plaudits….”

Pretty sure that “outgoingness” is not a real word, and that’s not how you spell applause. Gibshotes.

SCORPIO:
“….. You may choose to spend some of this (money) on prettifying your work surroundings or indulging family with a special treat….. “

Prettifying? Give them a round of aplaudits.

SAGITTARIUS:
“…… and whilst friends may be supportive of your dreams, family may be less so.”

You’re not destined to be a world class leading belly dancer. You’re a pudgy bank assistant, Dave. And you can’t dance.

CAPRICORN:
“…… and you may find yourself enjoying yourself more than you thought possible…. “

Ahem.

AQUARIUS:
“…..building in a surplus to the budget to allow for any unexpected expenses, should serve you well…..”

Think that bottle of champagne comes complimentary with the stripper? Thinks again you should.

PISCES:
“…… Partners could be critical of the time you may be devoting to certain aspects of your work however and criticize you for a possible lack of attention to detail in joint efforts…..”

Lets worry about the munchies when we reach that bridge. Light the damn joint.

I’m off to rub my crystal balls to see what I can cum up with for next month.

There seems to be three seasons in Hollywood.

Summer blockbuster season.

Christmas cash in season.

Oscar season.

Anything in between seems to be just a filler.

But you gotta love the summer blockbuster.  All hype and special effects and not an original idea in sight.  Comic book adaptations, re hashed or re-imagined old tv series.  We’ve all fallen for it at one time or another.  If we didn’t there wouldn’t be a summer blockbuster.  And whether we declare to all that we can’t wait for the summer cinema schedule to come around, or they’re our guilty pleasure, if they keep making them, we’ll keep watching them.

This summer is no different, there are tons of blockbusters lined up, here are a few of them.

Iron Man 2 – May 7th 2010

I have to say that I loved the first Iron Man film.  Robert Downey Jr plays a great Tony Stark and the story was a simple action plot that, apart from the big red and yellow bloke flying around, might actually happen in the world of weapons trading.  John Favereau did a great job on the movie and I’m looking forward to the sequel.  Plus Scarlett Johansson seems to be all in leather.  That’s reason enough for me.

Kick Ass – April 16th 2010

I have to admit, the first I heard of this film was in last month’s Empire magazine and I wasn’t too impressed.  A swearing 11 year old girl and McLovin from Superbad?  Then again, I didn’t quite understand that this is a comedy, without trying to be a parody of the superhero genre.  Otherwise you’d end up with the forgettable and embarrassing Superhero Movie.  After watching the trailer, it doesn’t look too bad, despite having the talking spoon that is Nicholas Cage.  Make your own mind up.

The A-Team – June 11th 2010

I heard the rumours about an A-Team movie more than a year ago and as if my opinion mattered I worried about the casting.  After all, like every other male who grew up in the 80′s, I was raised on the A-Team every Saturday afternoon.  It was a stupid idea for a tv show, stupid plots but still full of greatness.  Hannibal’s plans always came together, Face always got the girl, Murdock was the kind of guy who was funny in doses, but you’d kill him if you were around him too long.  Which explained why B.A. always wanted to introduce him to his friend called pain.  You could probably quote the opening lines to the show, and they’re used in the trailer of the new film.  You’ll be hearing about this until your ears bleed, or June 11th, which ever comes first.  Personally I can’t wait, because if this works it’ll open the doors for more tv show movies.  Knightrider?  MacGuyver?  Fuck yeah.

The Expendables – 25th August 2010

You may or may not have heard of this.  Sylvester Stallone has put together what he reckons is going to be the best action film, well ever.  It stars himself, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Jason Statham along with cameos from Bruce Willis and Arnie.  To me it looks like all the action stars of the 80′s and 90′s coming back for a class reunion, with Jason Statham thrown in as the one who could still get the girl.  It also looks ridiculously awesome.  Stallone came away from this shoot needing his neck fused, whatever that means.  But it can’t be good.  Over the top pop corn munching leave your brain at the door testosterone fuelled greatness.

Well whatever you think about them, love the summer blockbuster or hate it, they’ll all make more money than a banker’s bail out.

Personally I can’t wait.

My wife has a rain fetish.  It makes her wet.

I’m seriously worried about my birthday in a few years time.  Apparently at 40 there’s an 80% chance I’ll kill a child.

I’ve just been sent to prison, so I won’t be having sex for a few months.  I hope.

My wife just gave birth for the first time.  I don’t know who to feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own.

My favourite sex position is the Toyota.  I don’t stop no matter how much you scream.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

The Police

The Police who?

The Metropolitan Police. We’d like to ask you a few questions about a series of sexual attacks on young women in this area could you open the door for us please.

Yeah I didn’t find it particularly funny either.

Looks aren’t everything, but you can’t wank over personality.

I’m a woman, and I’m tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before – “Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you’re ready for the best sex you’ve ever had . xxx”

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I’m brunette, and thirdly he’s away at a conference tonight!

For an easy adrenalin rush, try eating After-Eight mints at around half past seven.

Via Sickipedia

Remember when Street Fighter 2 Turbo was released for the Super Nintendo back in the mid 90s? Those big grey cartridges cost a wallet-busting £70 (That’s Irish Punts kids), which translates to roughly €10,000 in today’s money (Warning: Conversion may be false).

So, should we count our lucky stars that the latest Playstation game retails for €60? Not bloody likely. Here are some tips for saving your shillings while stacking your shelves with the best in interactive entertainment.

Tip 1: Don’t buy that new game. Wait 2 months.

Unless you really want a game around release date, you’d do well to hold off on the full price purchase. I find a good rule is: If you leave the house specially to buy a certain game, then fine. Otherwise, you can wait 2 months. Sometimes it won’t even take that long for a game to halve in price.

An example would be Darksiders, just released in January to universal acclaim. Originally selling for €55 in Gamestop, it was quickly dropped to €50. Mere weeks later, and you can pick up a new copy in Xtravision or HMV for €35m or a used copy for €30. So, in 4 weeks, a saving of €25 if you buy second hand. An even more generous discount can be gotten on Dark Void. I originally paid €40 on release day. Dark Void can now (8 weeks later) be picked up brand new in Xtravision for €17.

Always remember – if you can live with last year’s FIFA 09 or Pro Evo 2009, you can pick them up for between €5 and €10.

Tip 2:Online stores give great discounts, and deliver to Ireland.

If you’re after a specific game,  always check online for deals. Most UK online retailers offer £10 off the RRP on launch day. Spend 5 minutes and always check the following stores if you’re after new games;

Game.co.uk (Usually a decent discount on RRP, £2.50 delivery charge to Ireland)

Gamestation.co.uk (Actually the same company as Game – You will find slightly different discounts here though)

Play.com (Always great for “Deals of the Week”. free delivery to Ireland)

HMV.com (Great slection, always discounted on Store prices. Small delivery charge to Ireland)

Game and Gamestation also offer Used games for sale online – a great way to save.

Tip 3: Buy used games

The Used Games racks in your local videogame store are always packed. I usually buy average games second hand (games that I can live without, but am happy to take a punt at the right price). If you’re like me, you’l want to check that the manual is included and the case is in good condition. That’s usually a sign that the previous owner looked after it, so you shouldn’t have problems with scratched disks.

Buying Second Hand is also a great way to experiment with new genres without costing an arm and a leg. Try it yourself – if you have an XBox, buy Crackdown or Beautiful Katamari second hand in Gamestop or Xtravision – €5 – €10 and you may just get 20 hours+ enjoyment. If you have a PS3, buy Siren: Blood Curse.

Tip 4:  Amazon.co.uk is a goldmine for rare new & used games at good prices

If you are looking to pick up a rare game, you might instinctively go to ebay. But before you do, try Amazon.co.uk. You will find that a lot of specialist UK stores (not the highstreet chains – independants that we don’t have in Ireland)  have storefronts and sell rare games at decent prices. You’ll be sure to pay only the going rate, and you don’t have to worry about bidding etc.

Tip 5: Try to avoid trading your games to a store

Trading in old games is a sound idea, but you’ll find that most stores don’t offer very good prices. You may get €10 credit for a game that the store will put up on it’s shelf for €30. 200% pure profit for the store, and a sour taste in your mouth.

Before bringing your old games to be traded in, see if a friend will take it off your hands. If the store will give you €10, sell it to a mate at €15. You make an extra €5, and he doesn’t have to pay the store €30. If you have games you want to get rid of, message me, I may take them off your hands!

If you really want to trade your games in, go to Xtravision first – they usually give the best prices, followed by Smyths, then the worst of the bunch gamestop or GAME.

If you have any tips you’d like to share, let us know, or comment below!

Men love pointless stuff.  Stuff that would be cool for an instant becomes instantly cool.  Gadgets, collectables, whatever.  We’re all a nerd for something.  Whether you can quote every Star Trek line or list off all the transfers made in the Premier league in 1997, we’re all nerds for something.

Anyway, because of this, we all love gadgets and other stuff.

Here’s a few things I’ve seen that you might like to will have to  have.

*insert Star Wars pun here*

Take this for example.  The Jedi Bath Robe.  Most of us grew up with Star Wars something.  Figures, games, I even had a complete bedroom set, despite not being allowed to see any of the films.  And still haven’t to this day, but that’s a whole other story.

I’m betting that if any of you had the same bedroom set that you’d still sleep happily in it these days.  The missus just won’t have it.  It’s childish and juvenile and just feeds the corporate machine that is the world of mass merchandising.  Convenient that she wasn’t saying the same when she wanted those “cute” Hello Kitty slippers or a Rachel Ray custom frying pan.

Master the bath will you, in this mega cool Jedi Bath Robe.  Available from Gadgetshop.com for €59.99.

Wish I'd thought of that, I'd be a hundredaire by now.

What’s better after you’ve had a Batman bubble bath and climbed into your Jedi Bath Robe than to settle down on the couch with a nice cup of tea while herself says something about you being a loser.  Pfft.  Normally you wouldn’t say anything, because you need her to stir your tea.  Not any more.

Now all you need her to do is boil the kettle, fill the mug with hot water and some Barry’s, add the correct amount of milk lest you send it back and stick some chocolate hobnobs on the side.

Then you’ll show her that you don’t need her.  Until your hobnob gets too soggy and you panic for a spoon.

This bad boy has a motor in the bottom that with the touch of a button stirs your tasty hot beverage for you.  Nice

Available from Gadgetshop.com for €9.99.

About Classics

I don’t like to pay more then €48 road tax a year and also don’t like expensive car insurance. So I drive a classic as my daily driver . It was built as an everyday car some 30 years ago.  Why should I just use it on sunny(!) Sundays now?
Since I sorted out a few little bits and pieces it behaves pretty reliable and hasn’t let me down.

Every car from the age of 30 years can be registered as a classic car
and gets an ZV number plate which frees you from having to get an NCT.

You can bring them to Ireland from every European country and get them registered for a fixed fee of €50 no matter what you paid for it. There is  no need to pay VRT at all.
Classics in the UK for example are plentiful around and more realistically priced then in Ireland.

Most of the classics are supported by owners clubs now and parts are easily sourced and fitted and much cheaper than those for modern cars, if you can’t fit them yourself, any mechanic will.

Just get one of the weekly papers at your news agent and pick some cars you may remember from a earlier age, or a few that you always fancied to own. Cars like Porsche (not 911′s), TVR and Lotus are becoming more and more affordable in their classic years and are more than capable to cope with modern traffic!  A good usable Porsche 924 for example costs as little as 1500£ and a smart looking Lotus Elite starts at about 2000£. And believe me, they are fun to drive.

But then you will have to explain what it is every time you stop for petrol.

Of course that just gives you further reason to talk about your new baby!

The Bioshock 2 review is finally in! Was the game worth the wait? Was this review worth the wait? Probably not, but you’re here now – so read it!

Review

Bioshock 2

2K

Xbox 360 (Version Tested), PS3, PC

It’s impossible to write about Bishock 2 without paying tribute to the original.

Spiritual successor to the PC System Shock games, Bioshock was concepted and designed by one of the industry’s leading lights, Ken Levine.

The goal of Bioshock was to blur the lines between the player and their on-screen avatar, playing with the notion of control. Bioshock proved that you don’t play videogames, the videogame makers play you.

Bioshock told the gripping tale of a vsitor in Rapture, an underwater Utopia gone wrong, where the remaining inhabitants had become twisted junkies craving the game’s mana, Adam.

Played out as First Person shooter, Bioshock featured a fairly standard set of firearms, along with “Plasmids” – genetic powers gained through the use of Adam collected in-game.

Ken Levine’s genius really shone through in the narrative accompanying the solid shooter gameplay. The experience of being questioned by a game, sometimes without answer, served to create a connection with a game so very rarely achieved.

So, if Bioshock was all that, a sequel should be a no-brainer. Generally speaking, videogame sequels are a good thing, improving on the foundations of the game(s) before. The gaming community however, was not happy when a sequel to Boshock was announced.

Many commentators, myself included, felt that a sequel was unneccessary;  The tale of Rapture was neatly tied up at the finale of the first game, a full stop to a fantastic creation. Especially with the announcement that Ken levine would not be involved with the sequel.

I had originally thought that I’d be starting with this one, as I had always gone with popular folklore that his first script and involvement with Hollywood was “True Romance”. I know now I was wrong, but I wasn’t far off.

Produced in 1993 it has a cast that a movie today would drool over.  I’m not a huge fan of Christian Slater but he does himself justice in this role, as does the smokin’ Patricia Arquette.

The reason I’ve said that I wasn’t entirely wrong about this being his first film was because having seen both this and “My Best Friends Birthday” I can draw up the similarities like so many of Tarantino’s movie in-jokes and cross references.

I don’t think I’d be far off by supposing that he looked at his self produced grainy black and white film and used it as a learning exercise.  Keep the things that worked, and lose the things that didn’t.

The dialogue is typical Quentin, conversational without feeling scripted.  The topics of random conversations could easily be those between you and your mate down the pub.

By keeping things that worked in his first script, he also expanded on a somewhat surreal idea, but we’ll get to that.

The basis of “My Best Friends Birthday” is still there.

There’s a guy called Clarence who doesn’t have much luck with the ladies, so his friend organises a call girl to surprise him and show him a good time.  Clarence loves Kung-Fu movies and Elvis Presley and while talking about Elvis to some guy in a bar, my favourite piece of conversational genius comes out, just as in “My Best Friends Birthday”.

“Y’know, I’ve always said that if I had to fuck a guy, I mean had to because my life depended on it?  I’d fuck Elvis.  HE was a good looking guy, y’know?”

So let’s get back to the surreal bit.

Without giving too much away about the story for those of you that haven’t seen it, the call girl, Alabama and Clarence fall head over heels for each other and they move in together.  Alabama is afraid to go back to her pimp – Drexyl (A truly great Gary Oldman) and get her stuff.  This is because Drexyl has picked up that nasty habit of slapping around his bitches.

This gets Clarence all worked up.  Worked up to the point where he visualises Elvis in his bathroom telling him to go and show this pimp who’s boss.

He goes and confronts the pimp, ends up killing him accidentally stealing his drugs and then going on the run.

Occassionally Elvis turns up to offer advice in what can only be judged as a “what would Jesus do?” metaphor.

But with so much other crazy stuff going on, it kind of blends well.

I don’t want to offer a blow by blow account of Quentin’s films, what I wanted to do was try to offer some kind of uneducated view of how his film making has evolved and improved with each of his productions.

As I said, this film has a cast that are still highly sought after to this very day, which might show that they also saw great potential in this debut screenplay.

For me it shows that he took his first attempt at a self produced film and learned from it, which is what all people who love what they do, do.  He’s kept all the good stuff and learned from the stuff that didn’t work.

True Romance is a great movie with so much stuff going for it, that you can forgive the Elvis hallucinations.

I recently rediscovered this film and I enjoyed it even more second time around, maybe because I know just a little bit more of where this script and story came from.

If you ever have a Tarantino marathon, and I thoroughly suggest you put it on your to do list, then start with this and watch Quentin’s talent as writer evolve before your eyes.  Mega.

Oh, and for those of you about to jump to the comments and point out that he wrote and directed “Reservoir Dogs” before this, relax.

There is method to my madness.

To be continued….

Sky Sports News: Making the international retirement of a moderate full-back sound like the coming of the apocalypse. Ugh. Honestly, who gives a monkey’s testicle?

In my less sexy/paying the bills capacity of sports journalist we are required to have channel 408 bleating out at us from one end of the day to the other. This is on the off chance that, amid all the colour pieces about Doncaster groundsmen and pie charts detailing the crapness of Hull City, it might feed us some breaking news that we can fashion into nuggets of news for our subscribers.

90% of the time it’s ‘banging head against wall’ stuff, though, a trail of ditsy and loud and idiotic newscasters telling us injury news about the Burnley reserve goalkeeper. This is repeated ad nauseam throughout the day to the point where I’m hearing Jim White’s voice in my head before I go to sleep with the career stats of Brian Jensen, a netminder so burly he makes Peter Schmeichel look like Cheryl Cole.

Ah yes, Jim White. The most hyperbolic of all the presenters. I watched in dismay at the end of the summer transfer window when he BROKE the NEWS that Celtic defender DARREN O’DEA had secured a LOAN move to READING, all delivered in a booming Scottish brogue to mirror Billy Connolly at his most animated.

Kill me.

The yellow Breaking News ticker on the bottom of the screen has gone from a scarcely used alert system to something far more omnipresent. It used to flash up just once or twice a day, detailing proper, hard and interesting news, whereas now it’s used to tell us the result of a ground inspection at Kempton or the fate of Torquay’s reserve centre-forward. Ho-hum.

It’s not all bad. Georgie Thompson and her cigarette voice; Natalie Sawyer’s pulchritudinous pouting; Millie Clode’s general loveliness… They do a fine line in lovely ladies but that alone can not make up for the…

…banter. Fucking banter. Just leave it alone.

Jim: “The golfers at the WGC Matchplay got a little surprise when a lone duck appeared on the green at the 15th hole.”

Natalie: “Hahahahaaaa.”

Jim: “That’s right, Natalie, a duck appeared on the course but there was no sign of any birdies.”

Natalie: “Oh Jim.”

Jim: “Oh Natalie. Hahahahaaaa. Anyway we’ll be back at the top of the hour.”

And it rolls round again, and again, to the point where I drink to forget and give myself the sweet release of an early death.

Julie from Arklow.  I’ve never been to Arklow, but I do know a few interesting facts about the place.

Sideways boob, not to be confused with the usual sideboob

Arklow was the first choice for Viking settlers back in 1982.  They’d seen a tourism ad on the old internet.  They ended up staying in Dublin instead and opening a trendy bar near Christchurch.

Arklow’s mayor is a woman by the name of Whigfield.  Remember her?  That cheesy dance song from the nineties that has people dancing in a way that would get on the nerves of Nurse Rachet from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest.  Yeah her.  She must be doing a great job, she’s been re-elected every year since 2010.

Om nom nom nom, that is all

Arklow has a resident who claims to have invented the number 7.

They're staring at me

Arklow doesn’t get involved in those tidy towns competitions, instead it has heavily invested in a space exploration program.  They reckon they’ll beat the Russians to the moon.  I haven’t the heart to tell them that the moon isn’t real.

They’re all true, you can check on culchipedia.org if you don’t believe us.

Here’s a couple of facts about Julie:

These pictures weren’t taken by her boyfriend, but by her hot red head girlfriend.

We’re not calling her a big fibber with pants on fire, but we reckon she just told us that so that we’d show her jumper bunnies on the site.

We would have anyway.  We always would have anyway.

Thanks Julie, and if you do have a hot red head girl friend, turn the god damn camera around already.

Submit your pics to us via inbox@boob.ie