Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

We’re not being preachy here, we’ve all made mistakes in the past.  Like the time we dressed as Casper with a traffic cone on his head from the night before to that fund raiser for racial awareness.  But that was a once off.  We’re talking about seemingly intelligent men wearing things that they really shouldn’t.

So this piece comes with love.  The kind of love that a man can have with another man.  One that involves no emotion because men don’t have feelings.  Ahem, boobs.

Maybe the offender is you, and you just don’t want to admit to it.  But we all know who you are.

Are you the kind of man who wears brown shoes with a black suit, or a blue suit or any suit?  Are you?  With the knot in your tie bigger than your neck.  With your hair moused to within an inch of its life.  Novelty cufflinks in the shape of a dollar sign.  More of last season’s Hugo Boss fragrance than is tastefully acceptable.

The shades just make it worse. No wait, that man purse makes it worse

You talk loud because it drowns out the noise of your small penis.

Everything about you is awful and you’re the reason women hate us.  You’ve got more grooming methods and tips than a retired pedo and you haven’t had consensual sex since you lost your virginity to your half sister.

All of this may have gone un noticed if you hadn’t worn those poxy brown shoes with your poxy black suit.  Poxbottle.

Are you the kind of man who wears one of those trendy cardigan things, are you?  Cardigans are for your grandad, and your granny.  Are you your grandad or granny?  Of course not, not unless you live in Leitrim.  So why want to look like them?  Sure we’ll all get there one day, but why rush it?  And even if you did want to look like your grandad, we’re pretty sure he doesn’t wear skinny jeans to complete the ensemble, now does he?

You probably won’t have noticed how much of a goober you look because the women have been asking for fashion tips from you.  This is not a good thing.

Are you the kind of man who wears flip flops?  Are you?  Are you in the changing rooms at a swimming pool?  No, you’re in the supermarket.  Flip flops are for women who want to tease us with their painted toes.  Not for men who think it’s ok to flaunt about with their great big gross man feet.  You make us sick a little bit in our mouths.

You probably think that it’s perfectly acceptable to wear flip flops as a man but that’s only because you’re wrong.

And don’t think we’re turning on our own here.  Yes men have committed crimes against other men, but women are no angels.

Women who wear leggings.  Why?  You’re not in the gym.  Which confuses us, because when you are in the gym you wear those baggy pants that hide everything.

Women who wear UGG boots.  Are you skiing?  Get ta fuck.

Women who wear fake tan, we’ve been through this before.

I've said enough

Women who wear jeans that are far too small for them.  You look like a sock full of porridge.

What other fashion no no’s have you seen?