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At some point as children we were all taught how to wipe our own bums. This training, whilst essential, was never really that intensive and the majority of parents were satisfied once the child was doing it by themselves, regardless of their poo-removal success rate. As children grow, so too does the importance of cleaning their butts properly, just ask anyone who spent some time as the “smelly kid” in their youth. No one likes the after-taste of crusty crap residue in their underwear.

With a lack of authoritative guidance on the issue, different people invariably devised their own techniques for minimising brown streaks in their pants. Some techniques work better in certain situations, so rather than using a one-size-fits-all arse cleaning strategy, we’ve devised for you a list of the common types of craps along with their most successful turd-tackling techniques.

1. The Loaf

Generally speaking, the loaf does not require a major clean up operation as it’s large size stretches the rectum nice and wide and it’s compacted formation means very little residue will rub off the inner cheeks as it exits. Toilet roll alone should be enough to conquer this clean up but if you find yourself dealing with a little more shit than expected, wet the toilet roll before wiping or, better yet, use some baby wipes if they are to hand.

2.  The Soft Snake

The soft snake can be either relatively easy or very, very hard to remove, depending on how you push it out. The soft snake, as it’s name suggests, is quite squishy and will leave a sticky residue on any surface it touches. Pushing slowly gives you more control over the shit, thereby preventing unwanted breakage but will result in additional rubbing on the inner cheeks. On the other hand, pushing hard will minimise rubbing but may lead to a sudden breakage in the snake, thereby running the risk of leaving a memoir dangling from your shit-hole. This can be frighteningly difficult to remove, depending on the adhesion rating of your turd.  Straight-up wiping is not advised as this will merely spread the shit up your crack and onto your cheeks. Twenty minutes, seven flushes and three rolls of toilet paper later you’ll emerge from the bathroom with a pain in your arm from wiping and a red-raw hole. Instead, try wrapping your hand in toilet roll and picking off the culprit whilst you are still seated. This should do the trick and leave you with a standard clean up op.

3. The A-bomb

Sometimes you may feel an extremely urgent need to hit the can accompanied by sharp pains in the lower abdomen. This is usually a sure sign that you are about to expel an A-bomb and care must be taken to reach a toilet… any toilet, as soon as is humanly possible. If there are no toilets nearby you must find a secluded location to do your business as holding onto the A-bomb can severely damage your intestines and cause all sorts of internal bleeding. At least that’s what it feels like. You’ll know the A-bomb by its distinct “my ass just vomited profusely” feeling you get and also the sound of gushing scutter hitting the bowl. Despite the initial mess created by this unfortunate act, the clean up can be relatively simple, owing to the fact that 75-90% of the emission is in liquid form. The key here to to stay seated on the toilet whilst you flush, standing up too early can cause some shit-drippings down your legs. After the first flush, gently remove your arse from the toilet and lift up the seat. Stick your arse back down, as far as possible into the bowl, and flush again. Repeat as required.  This action will remove all of the residue leaving you with a wet, but spanking (clean), arse. Just be careful whose towel you use to dry it…

4. The Double Whammy

This tricky little fecker often catches you by surprise, just as soon as you’ve wiped up and put your trousers back on, BOOM! There’s that feeling once again. Repeat trouser removal, sit back down and squeeze out the sequel. The clean up process largely depends on the poo-type (as above) however, pre-emptive measures can alleviate some, if not all, of the hard work. By applying a small amount of Vaseline* to your rectum after having a shit, you are taking out an insurance policy against occurrences like the Double Whammy or its more serious variant, the Mini-Series.

*Other oil and water-based lubricants, such as K-Y Jelly, should work equally well. Although it might result in some funny looks from those who share your toilet.

If you have any poo-tips or techniques not mentioned here, please share your insight with our readers by commenting below. Thank you.