Heat.
Hello!
OK!
Closer.
Us men know all about these magazines. Why? Because women love them. Not all of them, mind. Let’s not tar them all with the same brush. But you’ve surely been sat on the bus next to someone who is glued to the pages of these shameful rags.
You’ve also probably been sat beside a woman in work during lunch or coffee break and heard the squeak:
“Oh my Gawd, Jennifer Aniston is single again?”
Now, the only reason that would interest a man in the room would be if said Jennifer was naked and crying for a hug over by the water cooler. Other wise, get ta fuck. I mean who in their right mind would dump Jennifer Aniston? I would do so much terrible stuff to her, but all in the name of undying love of course.
Why do women crave celebrity gossip so much?
A lot of people would say that this very website (awesome as it is) and lads mags exploit and degrade women. Pah. I ask you, which is more degrading? A model who has not only consensually given her permission to be photographed for publishing purposes, or a “celebrity” that has crawled out of a taxi with no knickers on to be plastered all over the cover of some shite gossip rag? Models get their pictures taken for a living, like it or not. A celebrity coming out of hospital after suffering a miscarriage would more than likely feel a lot more exploited and violated than a model for the sake of unit sales or web site traffic.
Anyway, I’ve never understood the whole thing behind the need for celebrity gossip, or the magazines that make it up. But it’s become a part of our culture at this stage, so we have to deal with it. Instead of rolling your eyes and wanting to roll up the mag and beat someone with it, we’ve put together a list of suggestions on how to deal with the situation.
It’s not as simple as just ignoring it, it never is.
Here’s a few likely examples of what you might hear from a woman when she’s reading her favourite mag or that butt plug known as Perez Hilton, and what to reply for your own amusement:
I really really wish I was making this one up
She says:
“Oh my gawd, did you hear that Miley Cyrus’ sister is coming out with a range of lingerie for children? That’s so sick”
You say:
“Do you have to have children to buy it?”
Result:
She’ll never speak to you again while reading a gossip mag, or ever again for that matter. You may also have to answer some awkward questions with the HR team. Not ideal.
She says:
“Oh my gawd, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. It must be true, it’s in the News of the World AND Heat”
You say:
“That’s because Jennifer Aniston put a curse on Angelina that whenever Brad went near her vajayjay it would start rapping MC Hammer. That’s enough to turn any man off”
Result:
Due to the lack of action the the good Hammer has given the world in the last 20 years, you might have to explain who he is. Too much effort.
Jordan, before she looked like a blow up doll on crystal meth
She says:
“Oh my gawd, Jordan is getting married again.”
You say:
“Who’s Jordan?”
Result:
She will instantly combust in a ball of flames at how unbelievable it is that you don’t know who Jordan is. Of course you do, but since her Page 3 days when she actually looked like a person, you’ve lost all interest. We all have. Have a fire extinguisher ready.
She says:
“Oh my gawd, Paris Hilton has a new perfume out, I have to get it”
You say:
“It’s made of dead kitten’s souls, and it has more calories than a slice of fried Kirstie Alley, but if you’re into that kind of thing”
Result:
She’ll scoff and call you a childish name, before checking Wikipedia and Perez Hilton to see if it’s true. Even if by some fluke it is true, she’ll still buy it. A result for the horrible evil world of the Hiltons.
She says:
“Oh my gawd, blah blah blah
You say:
“I’m going for a wank”
Result:
Say it every time she’s at a gossip mag and sooner or later through behaviour modification, she’ll soon associate you tugging your plum with her reading those crappy mags and telling you every mind numbing non fact inside. Everybody wins.
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