The basic principals of marketing explained in three pictures.
The new Ferrari 458 Italia:
If you’ve followed the steps correctly, you should experience the following results:
Pick your morkeshing degrees up on the way out and frame them with pride.
We’re off to our nearest dealer.
Luckily for us, Mr Tarantino didn’t spare us the effort when he came up with a character known only as The Bride with Uma Thurman on the set of “Pulp Fiction”. For a simple revenge story, they thought up everything that could possibly be needed to tell it, and then a whole boat load more.
Released in 2003 as “Kill Bill – Vol 1″, it is one and probably the only film that springs to mind to promise a sequel before it was even released itself.
The story revolves around an assassin with the code name Black Mumba. We know her as Uma Thurman, or The Bride. The Bride has left the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, when she found out she was pregnant to give her baby a better life. The remaining Deadly Viper’s and their leader Bill, don’t take kindly to people walking out on them, especially when she did it under the assumption that she had been killed while on a mission.
The Deadly Vipers (DVAS) consist of:
This film jumped, ready or not, straight back into the style that film fans had fallen in love with. Jumping around the film’s time line and telling the entire story out of sequence while making complete sense. Well as much sense as a QT movie can make.
The opening credits don’t get much chance to introduce themselves as we see The Bride, in black and white, splattered in blood and battered on a floor. We hear the voice of Bill but only see the out of breath and scared looking Bride. With the click of a gun hammer, she becomes wide eyed and tries to tell him something, but it’s too late.
He puts a bullet in her head before she can tell him and her, what probably would have saved her.
Cut to four years later and The Bride is still alive, but in a coma and minus the baby she was carrying at her interrupted wedding.
Anyway, you’ve surely seen the movie, but for those of you who haven’t here’s the deal.
The Bride was beating to within an inch of her life, betrayed by the very people she trusted with it. Her mentor, lover and leader put a bullet in her brain and put her in a coma for four years. She lost her baby in the process and was repeatedly raped in hospital.
She’s out for revenge – plain and simple.
Or at least it should be.
She makes a list of the people she has to kill to gain revenge with Bill being the last on her list. For as the opening line of this review, and the film suggests – you need to bide your time.
Now, instead of just giving us 20 minutes of violence towards each victim on the list, Quentin subjects us to back stories on the key players.
The back story to O-Ren Ishii and how she became the boss of bosses in the world of the Yakuza is told in brilliantly animated Manga type animation. Which is then backed up with a live action scene of her decapitating a boss who questions her heritage with a samurai sword in front of the other bosses. She’s not to be fucked with.
We also get the story of Hattori Hanzo and the legendary swords of death that he makes. Or used to make as he swore a blood oath never to make again. That is until The Bride shows up, mentions Bill’s name and BANG – he’s back in business making Hattori Hanzo swords.
To some this may seem like a trivial bit of gratuitous story, but it’s essential to the second film when Hanzo swords are not only mentioned in nearly every scene, but become the focus and cause of attacks on the remainder of the DVAS.
This film is a visual and audio assault that doesn’t let up until the last frame that gives us the perfect cliff hanger to lead us to part two.
The music is nearly all original from The RZA – who I think was a member of the Wu Tang Clan? And with performances from Japanese band The 5,6,7,8′s in there, they supply some of the most original and crazy music I’ve ever heard. Quentin heard them being played in a record store while scouting for locations in Japan and demanded they be featured on the soundtrack. They waived some licence fees in exchange for parts in the movie.
The references to kung fu films of old are rampant. David Carradine himself along with Sonny Chiba (Hattori Hanzo) were huge kung fu stars in their day.
The fight sequences, each and every one was choreographed by Tarantino himself. Which, when you see the sequence with Uma and the Crazy 88′s you’ll just have to admire at his genius or wonder if he needs to get out more.
I have to say if you had told me that I would ever have seen Uma Thurman wielding a samurai sword and leading to action films while doing so, I would have laughed in your face. She more than pulls it off though, kudos to her and boo to me and anyone else for doubting her. She went through months of training and it shows, while being completely natural and at home in the role at the same time. That’s me not trying to sound cliché about it, but she does.
The violence is all there and the blood that spews from every severed limp and head drenches anyone still standing close enough. It’s gratuitous and over the top and completely in keeping with the films that inspired the film in the first place.
In my opinion this film showed Quentin’s progression as a film maker in so many areas. Story telling, direction, character development, cinematography, lighting and everything else that just makes it a treat to watch every time I put it into my DVD player.
I waited until the double boxset of both volumes came out before buying or watching either for the first time, and I’m glad I did.
I was so blown away by the first one that I microwaved more popcorn and put the second volume in without a second’s hesitation.
I wasn’t disappointed with that either … …
What’s Hot
Boing
Snow:
So it snowed yesterday and it was just awesome. Thinking that the world was ending like in a crap movie and that we might have to survive by eating our neighbours is brill. After all there are one or two of our neighbours that we wouldn’t mind eating, survival or not.
Coddle:
What better way to veg out on the couch with the fire going and the birds out in the trees freezing their balls right off than with a big steaming bowl of coddle? It looks like albino vomit with sausage skin floaters that remind you of your flatmates used condoms floating in the toilet, but it tastes like just like you’d imagine an angel’s minge would.
Jason Statham:
His movies are so terrible they make you want to gouge out your own spleen with a rabid camel, but at the same time they’re so fucking kick ass that you end up jumping around your living room using the cat as nun chucks. His accent switches from American to English in a matter of syllables but that’s ok, because we can’t decide if we’d rather be James Bond or some American version of James Bond. We’re not saying he’s hot in a “OMG, I like get so totally moisht when he takes his shirt off and kicks the ever loving shit out of some Russians”, but the semi we have may need some explaining.
Dante’s Inferno:
Click for absofuckingawesomeness
Yes this game has been out for quite a while now, but some of us are only getting around to it now. Let us tell you this, it has naked chicks in it. Naked chicks! One of them is a hot demon chick who can summon demons out of her nipples. We shit you not. We think it’s so brilliant that we’ve made up a whole new word to describe the emotion it brings – Absofuckingawesome®©™.
April Fool’s Day:
We don’t need any excuse to switch the contents of the peanut butter jar with the contents of our grannies nappy, but on April Fool’s day we can get away with it scot free. No judgement, no civil cases, no reason for the victim to get angry, it’s the law.
What’s not
We've gone all floppy
Snow:
Pish off you cold, windy, slushy, pipe freezing, eco nut proving cunt. we had enough of you over Christmas and we were on our way out to buy tshirts and flip flops to wear on Casual Friday. Snow is the ginger of weather conditions. No friends and it makes you shiver when it touches you.
Ads on TV:
Every fifteen minutes? Every fucking channel at the same fucking time? I have a dishwasher so I don’t buy Fairy cunting liquid at all. And as for that cunt on E4 who sings about the phones? We can’t wait for the day that we see him walking down the street cos when we do, we’ll bail out of our van and beat the crap out of him and sing about it in a four part harmony. Cunt off. Whoa-hooohoh.
Cold sores:
“Hey there face, how you doing lately? Looking fine, yeah you’re hot. Well I just thought I’d pay a visit and fuck your shit right up. Tingle, pain, throb, scab, bleed, scab, pick pick pick, but I’ll be back again soon. Sincerely, Herpes.” Well, that’s what happens when we have some blue waffle* for breakfast.
April Fool’s Day:
Check the contents of the Peanut butter jar before applying to your toast. You’ll thank us for it. We never had the luxury of a warning.
*We’re not linking to it. Google Blue Waffle and click the first link you get, just don’t do it in work.
I was the kid that grew up with the cow’s lick. That bastard of a yoke that would ruin every school photo, spring up whenever I was near someone I fancied, and just make life more than a little inconvenient. One time I hacked the little fucker off with my mother’s scissors and I had a bald patch for a month. Not the desired look either.
Whether you go for the tidy and trimmed look, or the just out of bed all women moisten right up whenever they see me look, we’ve got something for you.
Hair Essentials For Men, here at Boob.ie we’ve tried and tested a bunch of products and gadgets and come up with a couple of things that every guy should have, for sexy hair. We’re gonna give you two options for each, something to splurge out on and something for those on a tight budget.
Decent Hair Clippers. A lot of men now a days don’t have the time or money to hitting the fancy barbers to get their hair cut, so why not invest in some Hair Clippers. Even if you’re too lazy to cut your own hair, ask the missus to do it. You can’t say you would enjoy having a lovely set of fun bags in your face, while getting groomed.
Splurge on these Philips QC5170 Hair Clippers, €67.49 from Argos. This one is specifically designed for self use, it has a 180 degree rotating head. It has 10 length settings and a contour following comb that follows the shape of your head for a precise and even cut. It has and extra strong motor, self sharpening stainless steel blades, and can be used corded or cordless. Pretty fancy.
Save money on these Wahl Vogue Hair Clippers, €24.99 from Argos. They’re mains operated so you don’t to worry about losing your charger. They have adjustable high carbon steel blades for varying depth of cut. They come with a bunch of stuff as well, 10 comb attachments, combs, scissors, oil, cleaning brush and blade guard, all in a handy little case. Great value for money. My brother has had one of these for the last 5 or 6 years and it’s never given him an ounce of trouble and always does a great job. I got myself one when he got pissed off about me borrowing it, and I can only recommend it too highly. Plus for that price, it’ll pay for itself after a few trims.
Shampoo. Women love nothing more than running their fingers through soft clean hair. I’ve heard of men using cheap bottles of washing up liquid to wash their hair, bodies and faces. Oh the idea of that makes me want to cry. When you’re in your 50s and still have a full head of soft luscious locks you can thank me.
Splurge on Aveda’s Men Pure-Formance Shampoo is clinically proven to make you scalp feel calmer, less itcy and irritated and it makes your hair so much healthier. With continued use it can make your hair less oily and prone to greasiness. Buy for about €20 from your nearest department store.
Save money on Avon’s 2 in 1 Anti Dandruff Shampoo and Conditioner for €4. It’s formulated to help control scalp flaking and itching, leaving hair looking healthy and clean.
Hair gel is theprobably the best product for taming your hair and keeping it under control The ingredients in hair gel work best on wavy, curly, and unmanageable hair. There are so many brands and types of hair gel’s, that can be used to sculpt, mould and scrunch hair. Any decent hair gel will actually condition your hair, making it extra soft for the ladies.
Splurge on some American Crew Firm Hold Gel, €13 from Knights Barbers. This will give your hair body and shine, and a firm hold. It’s alcohol-free, so it’s non-drying to the scalp and contains thermal barriers that protect the hair from environmental stress.
Save money on Brylcreem Ultimate Hold Gel, cheap and easy to find and does what it’s supposed to, what more does one need.
So there you are chaps, now you’ve no excuse for going out looking like you got dragged backwards through a tramp’s minge.
We’ll be doing some more hair stuff in the future, but in the meantime if you’ve any questions about the products we’ve featured here, or if there’s anything you’d like to see me research for you, just drop it off in the comments and I’ll do my very bestest.
Will.
Brilliant, we’re trying to find the one where they kiss at the end. We’ll keep you posted.
For those stubborn stains.
Pretty much what it says on the tin.
Who’s the man in my mouth?
We’re also trying to track down the longer version where they add jelly to the trampoline and kiss afterwards.
Found a video worth sharing?
Do it.
Lauren sent us in these pictures of herself.
Lauren is studying music in Dublin and that one of the lads mentioned the site.
No sooner had she taken a look around than she’d sent us a few sneaky snaps. So if you’re in a college that teaches music, you might be sat next to a girl on this very brilliant site.
That doesn’t mean that you should go around the different music classes asking girls if you can see their lovelies. But if you’ve any success, you know where to send them.
Neither should you leer at every girl you see carrying a guitar because she might have done something naughty at some point. You’ll just look like a sex predator.
Lauren tells us that her boyfriend took the pictures and that it gave her a little bit of a rush to think that she might feature on the site.
Well Lauren, here you are. We can’t help but think that you’re fella owes us one, as we can imagine that it was more than a little hard for him to see you up here. It was for us.
Then, literally as we were putting this together, a mail landed in the mailbox from Joe.
Joe says that his girlfriend was staying over and running around in one of his shirts.
Well instead of giving out about making it smell all nice with perfume instead of the combination of man sweat, he grabbed his phone and took a couple of pics.
Joe doesn’t tell us the name of the owner of this ridonculous cleavage, but then again we’d probably forget it straight away.
I mean, look at it.
It’s glorious and they won’t stop staring at me.
Eye contact is over rated anyway.
Girls, show us what you’ve got at inbox@boob.ie
This here is Carrie.
Looking all very elegant with her professional hair do, her make up and her pearls, but then she went and forgot her bra.
And wouldn’t luck just have it that she would run into a photographer on her leisurely stroll in the woods?
Personally I hate it when that happens. I mean maybe she got those pearls as a present and was just so excited that she went out to show them off?
I was in a wooded area once and gave a girl a pearl necklace, and all she did was get up to get a towel and someone caught a picture of it.
Well I’m sure you’ll understand when I say that it was the last pearl necklace she ever accepted from me.
Pity.
The same thing obviously happened to Carrie here. Not a set of pearls in sight.
Either that or she swapped them for that bench she’s sitting on, like when Jack sold the cow for beans.
Maybe she should have traded them for something a little warmer to wear, because from the looks of things, it’s quite chilly.
Or maybe it’s the blue colour of the bench playing psychology with me.
Yeah, as if my mind is that sophisticated.
What’s better to warm up in than a hot tub?
At least we can only hope it’s a hot tub. Can you imagine the horror is it was a cold tub and we wanted to join her?
Even the biggest and most fear inducing of manly members shrivel to nothing more than a pistachio shell at the mere thought of cold water.
Our man berries would instantly pay a visit to our adam’s apples and wouldn’t come out until we promised never to scare them like that again.
All of which would prevent us from being able to give our pearly gifts to any girl, never mind Carrie.
Crafty minx.
Photography courtesy of Celtic Glamour.
More from Irish Babes in Masks this week, and why wouldn’t we feature more from them when they give us gems like this?
It’s as if this woman is actually having phone sex with someone.
The typical pose in pink underwear. Topless and a look of ecstasy on her face.
Either she is having some top notch phone fiddling with another hot chick (imaging her getting a heavy breathing slob like me off just isn’t appealing) or she’s just gotten a great quote on some car insurance.
Zombie cover? Actually if the girls at my insurance company looked like that when I called I would gladly take out the zombie cover. And a wipe clean cover for my phone.
She’s like a female Zorro with that mask on.
She’d ride into town on her trusty steed and bring an end to crime.
Actually come to think of it, I remember seeing a video once of a girl in a mask who rode a horse, or some variation on that sequence of words.
I very much doubt thought that this fine example of Irish woman would stoop so low. After all, she hasn’t even got riding boots on.
Actually come to think of it, seeing a masked woman in riding boots is usually accompanied by a story in the News of the World where the investigating journalist makes his excuses and leaves the Madame’s lair.
More phone fun here. She’s obviously given out her female Zorro business card with the tagline:
“If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find her, maybe you can hire the female Zorro”
Then she’d arrive in her custom van calling everybody pitiful fools and loving when her plans come together.
Wait, that’s not Zorro….
Knight Rider? Nope.
MacGuyver? Not that either.
Fuck it.
Thanks to Irish Babes In Masks for the photos, and for a chance to win €150 and your own photoshoot, girls you can submit your own pictures to IBIM. A new winner each month.
Fucking hecklers. Who are they trying to impress? Do they think they’ll get their faces in the papers? Maybe a spot on Tubridy? Give me strength, please.
I was at Vicar Street last night for The Charley Boorman Show, in which the affable Wicklowian waxed on and waxed off about his round the world adventures on all sorts of wheels, primarily two, with all sorts of different bike hounds, primarily Ewan McGregor from films.
I’m not much for bikes, or cars, or anything apart from Dublin Bus and the occasional jaunt with the irascible taximen of our fair city, but the brother-in-law loves his Suzuki so I thought it would make a nice birthday present for the great man. I also enjoyed the Long Way Round and Long Way Down series so I figured it’d be a bit of craic.
We were seated at a table on the ground floor with two others, two middle aged men in biker gear drinking stout. They seemed like friendly enough sorts until the show started.
The warm up act came, a comedian from the North East of England whose name I never bothered to learn. He was cheerful enough and I was enjoying his patter until Middle Aged 1 piped up with, “Christ you’re one fat bastard!!!”
The comic dispatched him with ease, probably something about pots and kettles, but that didn’t shut him up. This cunt at my table proceeded to unleash drunken slur after drunken yelp at Boorman and co., the show ending on a whimper when he grabbed the mic at the end and proceeded to slag off the absent McGregor. I came over all school marmish and tried to shush him, with his friend just looking at me resignedly and saying he’d had a bit too much to drink. I felt sorry for him, saddled with a wanker.
= = =
The show itself was grand. I like Charley Boorman, a very engaging and warm character, but the host – a Mick McCarthy lookalike from Liverpool – lacked the sort of charisma needed to keep a show of this size from hitting the skids.*
Simon Pavey – sharing the couch with Boorman – will be known to fans of the Dakar Rally but wasn’t known to me, and he wore the expression of a man who’d rather be hightailing it through some rocky terrain and not after-dinner-speaking for some pissed up Irishmen.
It was all a little flat, in the end, and wasn’t helped by Middle Aged 1′s interjections, but hopefully Boorman and McGregor will come good on their South American promise.
*Absolutely intended.
Heineken Ireland have teamed up with two of Ireland’s biggest sporting heroes – Manchester United legend and Champions League winner Denis Irwin and Heineken Cup winning Munster champion Anthony ‘Axel’ Foley to officially launch Heineken Star Saturday.
What happens when two of the world’s most heralded sporting finals on the sporting calendar come together? Thanks to Heineken we’re about to find out. Heineken, the official sponsor of The UEFA Champions league and The Heineken Cup are celebrating the finals of both tournaments on one ultimate day – Heineken Star Saturday (22nd May 2010).
Never again will the highest level of Rugby and Football drama come together in one explosive combination and Heineken are driving fans to the pub for the unique event and supporting pubs throughout the country with their Heineken Star Saturday action.
Full details and to register for updates on Heineken Star Saturday log on to www.heineken.ie/heinekenstarsaturday
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