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I wonder who among you has ever tasted their own baby batter?  Most of you probably, you’re a curious bunch, sure that’s why I love you so much.

It’s not very tasty, is it?  I mean – it’ll never make it as a hamburger relish or ice-cream topping and there’s a reason why Yoplait has never dabbled in a mushroom flavour.  It’s always surprised me that sperm tastes so musty considering there’s so much glucose in it.  Nope, it makes a far more effective face-cream than anything else.

But, Ladyboys and Girls, it doesn’t have to be this way!  Let me share a secret with you – a secret that I learned from my days on the job outside a very popular cocktail bar in Cork.

Pineapples.

Let me tell you that after a man has had enough Pina Coladas, it makes for a whole different ball game (ball game – see what I did there?).  Pineapple juice, citrus fruits and foods laced with cinnamon seem to be the most effective items to consume if you want your man chowder seriously sought after.

A word to the wise though… stay away from coffee, guinness, garlic, onions and methylated spirits (don’t ask me how I know about the latter), these things don’t make for good citricum unfortunately.

But don’t take my word for it, try it yourself!  If you find yourself cumming over all funny after a seriously succesful invention, email me and let me know – I’m itching for some good recipes to write on the back of the toilet doors in Pravda.

xxx
Vibratora

By | 3 Mar 2010 | 4 Comments

Dante's Inferno, MAG

We’re about to be spoiled again in the next few weeks with some big release games on the horizon. Battlefield: Bad Company 2 is out this Friday and the gaming press is loving it; a short while later, we’ll be getting Super Street Fighter 4, Lost Planet 2 and a new entry in the Splinter Cell series. While we’re waiting for those big names, why not think about wasting money on a couple of average games? Or not…. Read More

By | 3 Mar 2010 | 2 Comments

Deformities optional!

#2 Leap FrogLeap Frog Sex Position (worse than Christy Brown would draw)How it’s done:

  • Get the missus (or the mistur, this pozish is homo-friendly) to squat down on all fours like like a froggy.
  • Choose your port of entry and slip in the dog.
  • Hop around, you’re doin the leap frog!
By | 3 Mar 2010 | No Comments

On the QT - Part 3

This time I’m focusing on a close contender for the top spot in my favourite QT movies – “Reservoir Dogs

Reservoir Dogs Poster

Why did I skip this 1992 release and jump to a 1993 release “True Romance”?

Oh so many reasons.

Firstly because in my opinion “True Romance” kind of slipped under the radar as far as people were concerned with Quentin Tarantino.  Coming inbetween “Reservoir Dogs” and “Pulp Fiction”, it may have been lost in the shock and hype of the former and the expectation of the latter.

“Reservoir Dogs” was when the world sat up and took notice of this former video store clerk and his story of a heist that never showed the heist.  It jumped back and forward in it’s timeline and jolted audiences everywhere to realise that there was more than one way to tell a story.

Of course there was controversy about the violence and language in the film, but producers and Quentin himself went blue in the face explaining that it all happened in context.  They weren’t making a film about petty car thieves who make it up as they go along, they were telling a story of seasoned criminals.  Seasoned criminals use bad language, guns and if needs be, torture cops.

Ah, that scene.

Like I’ve said before there’s not much point in doing actual reviews of these movies, chances are you’ve seen them already and I don’t want to rehash or plagiarise other people’s work.  The point was more to look at how his style of writing and movie making has grown, developed and influenced others.

But that scene.

The soundtrack was also a sit up and take notice item in the movie, because it had it’s very own unique contribution to the film.  Instead of just using songs wherever he thought they might suit, it was the first time that Quentin used music that made people want the soundtrack as much as the film itself.  Using stand up comedian Steve Wright as the voice of K Billy, the DJ who loved 70′s music, each song received it’s own introduction.

Having a radio station featured occasionally meant that the music felt natural in it’s placement, as it is in life, and not just stuck in because the director happened to like it.  I happen to think that it was all 70′s music because the royalties may have been cheaper for the licences.  A good reason to use them in a low budget film, but I may be wrong.

A wide selection of music from soul, country and rock makes a soundtrack worth having in your collection.

Which brings me to that scene.

“You gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite?”

Cue the music of Joe Tex’s “I gotcha” and one of the most famous cops in film history is hurled into the gangster’s hideout.  Tied to a chair by Mr Blond (Michael Madsen), while the other gangsters pop out for a bit, he taunts the cop.

He turns on the radio and on comes K Billy playing Steeler’s Wheels’ “Stuck in the middle”.  His slightly sad dance to it adds a little light relief to what’s about to happen.

Mr Blond dances a bit, straddles the cop and before we can wince, the camera pans away leaving us listening to screams of agony.  Just on cue, Mr Blond walks back into frame holding a bloodied ear in one hand and his cut throat blade in another.  It all happens in a single take without camera change or cut which makes it all the more believeable in the moment.

Telling the cop to shut up, he talks into the ear he’s just hacked off and laughs to himself before tossing the ear across the room.

That scene.Reservoir Dogs Torture scene

That scene was probably what had the “Somebody think of the children” brigade up in arms.  Yes it’s gory and gratuitous, but that’s the fun.  Get over it.  We never see it happening and the fact that we don’t see it and it can still cause such a huge reaction pays tribute to a director who knew exactly what he was doing before he shot day one.

The cast is great, and that’s understating it.

More than likely helped by the fact that Harvey Keitel signed on as producer/performer early on, but whatever the reasons actors like Chris Penn, Steve Buscemi and Tim Roth all joined the fun as well as QT himself.

This is a film I can sit down and watch over and over again for so many reasons, most listed above.

It’s a heist story without the heist, as we focus on the planning of what should have been a simple job and the aftermath of what should have been a simple job, gone wrong.  The heist wasn’t left out due to budget or filming restrictions, it was never meant to be shot at all.  After all, we’d seen a million bank/jewellery store robberies in a million films before.

The fact that the violence etc was so focused on by critics and fans alike was probably why he kept the story telling technique of jumping within the timeline for his next outing as writer/director – “Pulp Fiction”.

Maybe if the violence distracted from what may have been seen as an experimental story telling technique by some, he could do it again and the audience wouldn’t even notice.

No such luck…..

By | 3 Mar 2010 | No Comments

Deirdre

Now I don’t know about you lot, but when I hear the name Deirdre, I automatically think about the glass wearing zombie necked Barlow one from Corporation Street.  Then that makes me think of the chinless wonder that is Gail and it makes me sad.  And a little bit sick in my mouth.

Deirdre Celtic Glamour 1

Got wood? Tee and hee.

This is Deirdre.  And it’s spelled properly.  Try it with me.  B O I N G !

That’s how you spell it.

This is Deirdre posing in an Irish wood.  “Wouldn’t mind seeing her posing ON some Irish wood, wha?  wha?”

Indeed.

Well dear reader, despite what you might think, we hold Deirdre in a much higher regard than that.

Her eye for fine underwear.  That sultry look directly into the camera.  Her super human strength that allows her to prevent those two trees from falling on her.

Plus we don’t reckon our 4 inch twigs would constitute as wood, technically.

We just keep telling ourselves that if a small penis falls in the forest and no one is around, does anyone laugh at our saplings?

The answer is yes, and we feel sad.

Deirdre Celtic Glamour 2

Cheeky

Another thing that strikes me when I look at Deirdre is that this is how a Disney Princess should behave in the forest.

Never mind fucking about with dwarves.  Never mind singing to the little squirrels and other critters about her true love.

Parading around in her undies is the way of the future, I can guarantee it.

But if I ever did find myself wandering around the forest and heard her cries, I’d save that damsel in distress.

Climbing a tower and sleighing the dragon.  Beating that warty old hag up with the poison apples.  I can’t help but think that it would all be in vain though.

A woman like Deirdre wouldn’t go for a man like me, she’d want a Disney Prince.  That’s not me.  On the other hand, if she was a Disney redheaded Mermaid, she’d be in real trouble.  I hear they love seamen.

Deirdre Celtic Glamour 3

Grrrrr, is that a bear?

You have to admire her bravery.  Bears live in woods.  Not the snuggly kind that eat honey and named after something that wouldn’t smell very nice and who is friends with a donkey and an acid tripping tiger, but the kind that would eat your ass up.

And yet without any tree climbing aparatus to speak of, there she is not giving a shit.  To quote Tenacious D:

“Oh shit there’s a bear, could you hand me that shotgun buddy, also that chair.  We’re fighting a bear, now your life’s in grave danger and you don’t even care…”

Hot and courageous, and what’s more despite the amount of foliage around, there isn’t a hint of bush.

All hail Deirdre.

Photography courtesy of Celtic Glamour.

By | 3 Mar 2010 | No Comments

We're not as think as you smart that you thunk they was... I think?

Irish Classroom

Contrary to popular belief, "Old Skool", was actually quite shit.

Minister Batt O’Keeffe yesterday ordered a review of Ireland’s second and third-level examination results going back as far as ’91/’92 amid concerns about ‘grade inflation’ in our education system. According to reports, the number of first class honours degrees awarded has trebled and the number of students getting full marks in their leaving cert is up 500% since the mid-90′s. So, have Irish kids gotten 500% smarter in that time? Not a chance. I don’t think we need a big-fucking-waste-of-taxpayers-money review to tell us that there’s something not right here.

Fifa fair play logo (modified)

Fifa unveil their new "Fair Play" logo for 2010 World Cup

Let’s take a look at some recent events which prove, without the expense, that we’re definitely not the nation of geniuses that our education

system tells us we are:

FAI ask FIFA to install us as 33rd World Cup team

We all know that what Henry did was wrong, we were all hurt a great deal at the time and we all felt like lynching a few French men in revenge. But to ask the worlds’ governing body to make us “Team  #33″ in the 2010 World Cup was a bridge beyond nonsense. Full marks to the geniuses behind that plan. Usually I’d be the first to stand up and say that Sepp Blatter is a fat, self-serving cunt, but in this situation I can’t really blame him for taking this piss out of us. You only have to look at John Delaney’s face to realise that he’s had a lobotomy at some point. And a fucking botched one at that.

NAMA

Fresh from ramming the enormous government dildo up our asses with the bank bail-out, Minister for Thievery Brian Lenihan announces his financial masterplan to save us all from the impending economic downfall. Now, it doesn’t take a nation of Einsteins to figure out that this ‘plan’, far from being designed to save us all, was merely concocted to keep the banks, the developers, the planners and the politicians bathing in pink champagne while the rest of us struggle to put food on the table. In a highly-educated society, people would be rioting in the streets at the mere proposal of this plan…

…any minute now.

Credit Crunch

Mock Bank Poster

Free repossession with every car loan!

This one, in particular, proves beyond doubt that the average John or Mary is indeed more simple than the letters after their name would suggest. “Apply today for your Endless Supply of Money! Only 18.9% APR!!” we were told, and like the idiots we are, we believed. Some people would argue that they had “no choice” but to spend €450,000 on their 4-bed in the suburbs but, as most of us now know, you don’t need four bedrooms for two twats and a dog. Don’t even get me started on the cars…

All-Ireland Talent Show and (by extension) Jedward

The fact that this series went from being a notion in someone’s drug-addled mind all the way to prime-time national television tells me that there’s not a single intelligent life form working in the production process at RTE. This show was so bad it made me want to kill myself. Jedward get a special mention here due to the fact that they represent the exact type of ‘talent’ that this idiot-driven country adores.

Take that Darwin- Evolution be damned!

By | 2 Mar 2010 | One Comment

An interview with the Paranormal Research Association of Ireland

More of us believe in the paranormal than we’d have our friends believe.  I for one grew up in houses that always seemed to have the feeling that you were being watched.  My mother has experienced some proper freaky shit, and as for my brother, well if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it.

That’s just it.  Scepticism.  Most people would hear a creak in the night and put it down to the house settling.  You’ll hear a door close and assume you’ve left a window open.  That is of course when you’re on familiar ground.

Even the most level headed sceptic wouldn’t fancy being in an old unfamiliar house on their own, with the lights out.  No matter how much you may scoff at notions of spirits, ghosts and whatever else, we’ll bet our dole cheques that you wouldn’t fancy being on the far side of Glasnevin cemetery without as much as a flashlight to find your way out.

We all have that sixth sense about things.  Not the kind that requires a therapy session from a dead Bruce Willis, but the kind that tells you that something isn’t right.  You feel like you’re being watched.  There’s a strange atmosphere.  Think about it this way, you walk into a friends house and feel like there’s been a row between him and the missus.  Nothing is said, but you know the atmosphere just isn’t right.

So how do you explain that when you walk into an empty room, you’ve never been in before?

If you’ve ever got an afternoon to spare, take a trip to the dungeons of Dublin Castle.  That place will put the willies up the most hardened sceptic.  Trust me.

Of course it could be basic mind conditioning.  Scary stories take place in dark, old and unfamiliar places.  Most kids are afraid of the dark, and it stays with us to a certain degree in adulthood.  Maybe it’s just our preconceptions of different environments and conditions that makes our minds run away with themselves.

But what if you’re sitting in your own living room, watching the tv and you get a sudden rush of cold air?  There’s no windows open, the door is shut tight and in an attempt to save money on heating you’ve even blocked up the air vents.  You put it down to whatever rational explanation your mind can come up with and carry on.  Just then, across the room a picture falls off the wall.  Coincidence?  Or something more sinister?

There are plenty of people who would just ignore it and get on with their lives.  There are also plenty of people who would recognise this kind of event as an all too regular occurrence.  And they want to get to the bottom of it.

I can tell you from personal experience that it doesn’t work the way it does in the movies.  You can call the local parish priest around but he’ll just drink all your tea, bless the kettle and tell you that the church won’t allow an exorcism.  You can get the lady who reads your mothers Tarot cards every month to come around, but that won’t do anything except give you a chant to recite over a single candle while holding hands with your brother.  And that’s just weird.

When I was growing up though, those may have been the only ways to try and deal with whatever spooky goings on you had, well going on.

Things are different these days.  A group of people set up in Ireland to investigate paranormal activity.  They’re not a professional group, as they don’t charge for their services, but they have since set up another sister group in Boston.  This is a hobby for them, but one they take very seriously.  Most of, if not all of the team have had some kind of paranormal experiences in their lives.  This and an interest to find out just what, if anything causes such activity they use their scientific equipment to shed more than light on the situation.

You can contact them, explain what’s going on and they’ll take it from there.  Don’t expect them to show up in a modified hearse, they take what they do very seriously.

I was fascinated to find that such a group existed in Ireland, and had to ask if I could tag along on an investigation.  They said yes, but at this time our schedules just don’t sync up for that to happen.  But it will happen, and when it does, I’ll report in full about what goes on and what’s found.

Until then I spoke to Traze, one of the team of the PRAOFI to give us a little insight to what the team does exactly.

Whether you’re a believer or a sceptic, you should find the following pages interesting.

By | 2 Mar 2010 | No Comments

Positions that are as sloppily drawn as your attempts to carry them out

#1 – Deep Impact
Sex position, deep impact, cartoon. Terribly bad drawing.

After Chernobyl, sex just wasn't the same for Ivana and Kryzstof.

How to do it:

  • Lay your woman on the edge of the bed.
  • Kneel down beside the bed and lift her legs over your shoulders.
  • Lob it in there boss! Better hurry, or she’ll clobber you with that extra foot she’s got where her left hand should be.
By | 2 Mar 2010 | No Comments

It's a whole lot weirder than you might think.

Seven minutes of kids TV that mentions “booby” at least 50 times. And they wonder why kids are sexualised at such a young age these days.

YouTube Preview Image
By | 2 Mar 2010 | No Comments

I'd take it on the road

This dude prefers to have him complain about stuff and harass a hot goth chick.

Jim Mathers is the man behind Foamy the Squirrel.  The foul mouthed flash animated rodent who loves cream cheese bagels and not a lot else.  He draws, animates and records everything for his regular featurettes, apart from voice Foamy’s room mate, Germaine.

Germaine herself has become somewhat of a cult star.  Albeit among the obvious kind of person who wants to see her naked.  There is a fan made cartoon doing the rounds of Foamy doing the nasty with Germaine, but we’re not putting that one up here.

Jim mentions on his blog that he has had offers to produce his cartoons in a more mainstream way, but hasn’t found anyone willing to let him do it his way.  We reckon it’s only a matter of time before that happens.  I reckon it’d make a great full length series.

Here’s a few of our favourite examples of Foamy the Squirrel:

Be warned though, he has a tendency to be NSFW.

Check out the ill will press homepage which has tons of stuff.  And the youtube channel here.

Oh, and if you’re still wondering where you can find that one of Foamy doing Germaine, it’s here.  But we’re not showing it.  It’s most definitely NSFW.

By | 1 Mar 2010 | No Comments