I think the best part about being an only child was playing with all my dead brother’s toys.
After sex most men either go for a shower or just roll over and go to sleep.
Me personally …
… I just grab my shovel and run like fuck.
I took a girl home last night.
I said, “Baby … you look hot”.
She said, “You’d look hot too if you were handcuffed to a radiator”.
My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My budgie broke his leg so I used a couple of matches as a splint.
Unfortunately, I’d also lined his cage with sandpaper.
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
“Hello?”
“Hi kiddo,This is Daddy,Is Mummy near the phone?”
‘No, Daddy,She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle John.’
‘But kiddo, you haven’t got an Uncle John.’
‘Yes I have, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now..’
‘Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
”Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
‘I did it, Daddy.”
”And what happened, kiddo?’
‘Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn’t moving at all!”
”Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle John?’
‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’
‘Swimming pool? Wait, isn’t this 555-1543?
I went round to MC Hammers’ house last night.
He wouldn’t let me touch anything.
Anal sex.
Gods way of saying “Sorry guys I should have made the vagina tighter!”
Via Sickipedia
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