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What’s Hot

Boing

Snow:

So it snowed yesterday and it was just awesome.  Thinking that the world was ending like in a crap movie and that we might have to survive by eating our neighbours is brill.  After all there are one or two of our neighbours that we wouldn’t mind eating, survival or not.

Coddle:

What better way to veg out on the couch with the fire going and the birds out in the trees freezing their balls right off than with a big steaming bowl of coddle?  It looks like albino vomit with sausage skin floaters that remind you of your flatmates used condoms floating in the toilet, but it tastes like just like you’d imagine an angel’s minge would.

Jason Statham:

His movies are so terrible they make you want to gouge out your own spleen with a rabid camel, but at the same time they’re so fucking kick ass that you end up jumping around your living room using the cat as nun chucks.  His accent switches from American to English in a matter of syllables but that’s ok, because we can’t decide if we’d rather be James Bond or some American version of James Bond.  We’re not saying he’s hot in a “OMG, I like get so totally moisht when he takes his shirt off and kicks the ever loving shit out of some Russians”, but the semi we have may need some explaining.

Dante’s Inferno:

Click for absofuckingawesomeness

Yes this game has been out for quite a while now, but some of us are only getting around to it now.  Let us tell you this, it has naked chicks in it.  Naked chicks!  One of them is a hot demon chick who can summon demons out of her nipples.  We shit you not.  We think it’s so brilliant that we’ve made up a whole new word to describe the emotion it brings – Absofuckingawesome®©™.

April Fool’s Day:

We don’t need any excuse to switch the contents of the peanut butter jar with the contents of our grannies nappy, but on April Fool’s day we can get away with it scot free.  No judgement, no civil cases, no reason for the victim to get angry, it’s the law.

What’s not

We've gone all floppy

Snow:

Pish off you cold, windy, slushy, pipe freezing, eco nut proving cunt.  we had enough of you over Christmas and we were on our way out to buy tshirts and flip flops to wear on Casual Friday.  Snow is the ginger of weather conditions.  No friends and it makes you shiver when it touches you.

Ads on TV:

Every fifteen minutes?  Every fucking channel at the same fucking time?  I have a dishwasher so I don’t buy Fairy cunting liquid at all.  And as for that cunt on E4 who sings about the phones?  We can’t wait for the day that we see him walking down the street cos when we do, we’ll bail out of our van and beat the crap out of him and sing about it in a four part harmony.  Cunt off.  Whoa-hooohoh.

Cold sores:

“Hey there face, how you doing lately?  Looking fine, yeah you’re hot.  Well I just thought I’d pay a visit and fuck your shit right up.  Tingle, pain, throb, scab, bleed, scab, pick pick pick, but I’ll be back again soon.  Sincerely, Herpes.” Well, that’s what happens when we have some blue waffle* for breakfast.

April Fool’s Day:

Check the contents of the Peanut butter jar before applying to your toast.  You’ll thank us for it.  We never had the luxury of a warning.

*We’re not linking to it.  Google Blue Waffle and click the first link you get, just don’t do it in work.