Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Being all growed up in the real world sucks donkey balls, it’s no secret.  Bills and work (or lack of), college and exams and realising that you’re balding at the age of 23 and you die a little inside with each hair that clogs up your shower drain.  Remember a simpler time when your biggest worry was where your next Wham bar was coming from?

We do, and we want to relive that simpler time just when we can.  Unfortunately we look suspect when we go to our local sweet shop and stock up on Wham bars and Black Jack sweets just when the schools are finished.  It was just coincidence, but the shop keeper was having none of it.

No matter, we can buy sweets online and as for looking at school girls, the internet has pretty much got that covered too.

But what happens when you’re hopped up on sugar and bouncing around the furniture so that you don’t fall into the imaginary lava on the floor?  You’re going to need some stuff to distract you until you crash and nap with your thumb up your ass in your mouth.

Here are some things we’ve found on line that are just up that street.  They’ll fuel some childhood memories, and if you have one all men will want one too.

De ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne, Batman! Yeah.

This retro Batman alarm clock will look the shit on your bed side table.  Now I know what some of you are thinking – “Why would we get that when we have a totally cool alarm app on the iPhone that sounds like the Joker who asks us why we’re being so serious?”

Well, some of us can remember a time before mobile phones.  Nothing brings us back to a simpler time when we were abruptly awoken from a potentially awesome wet dream about our best mate’s ma by a ringing so aggressive that it would scare the shit out of you and rob you of your morning wood in one unrivalled move.

Get this cool piece of kit from HERE.  For about €15.

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Jeeves, acquire me a wench

Tired of wanting sex and not having a way to alert the ladies?  A problem that you’ll no longer have with this genius and well thought out invention.

It’s just like a bell, but made just for ringing when you’ve got a boner.

Of course you either have to have a lady who is willing to touch your winky in the first place in order for your plan to come together.  Plus she might have to lose that chip on her shoulder about being beckoned whenever you see a Gillette lady shaver ad on the tele.

Get this guaranteed to improve your sex life tool from HERE.  For about €6.

Ah, that's the spot.

A good idea for when Jeeves is off getting your lady friend prepped for a portion is that you get that itch under control.

Sure you probably should have gone to the doctor when it started itching last week, but then you wouldn’t have a good reason to use this magnificent ball scratcher.

Plus when you’ve loved your lady for the industry standard 4 minutes she’ll be properly wooed and will invite you to meet her parents. This is usually a time when scratching your man berries is frowned upon.

Fear not.  When dessert is being served, and you feel the familiar tingle of the ball itch, break this bad boy out and go to town.  It’s elegant carry case and stainless steel finish will not only allow you to scratch shame free, but other people will want to use it too.

Get this essential utensil HERE.  From about €12.