Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

To all new iPad owners.

When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although I’ve never heard the wife moan.

What did the confused Magnesium Oxide say?

OMg

I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

I went to the doctor’s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my cock tastes funny…”

Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn’t choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angel’s gained a little weight since we started going out.

My wife said she wanted to be treated to a facial for her birthday, seems our definitions of that word differ.

Katie Price has been quoted as saying: “My death might be a Diana moment”

Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too.

What’s blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia.

What else is blue and fucks old people?

Me in my lucky blue jumper.

I went to pick up my photos today.

The bloke said, “Sorry Sir, we can’t give them to you, they’re not fully developed.”

I panicked and said, “Those are my nieces, it’s not what you think.”

What do you call a bloke who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A barman.

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

Kate McCann:

“I live in fear of the dreaded knock at the door”

No need to worry about that Kate,

You keep fucking leaving them open.

Who cares if my grandkids aren’t gonna see a polar bear?

I didn’t see a dinosaur.

A policeman knocked on my door last night.

He said, “I’ve just had a sexual complaint from your daughter”.

I said, “Well, you’re clearly doing something wrong…try 2 fingers up her arse”.

Via Sickipedia.