That time of the month again when we delve into the highly accurate and in no way vague world of reading the future by way of how the stars are aligned with the planets and the cows, or some shit.
We’ll look around and see what the confidence tricksters astrologists are saying and give you our manly translations, because some of them read like Japanese DVD instructions.
Jupiter is rising and so is my penis Venus, so we’ll begin.
Aries (The sheepy one):
“Obtuse behaviour may be misunderstood and you could look a bit silly if you get a bit too stubborn about something. Prepare for some surprises!”
Oh yeah? Well when you offend us like that it just gives us cause to get stubborn, so we’re not even going to look up what obtuse means. So stick that up yer bollix.
Taurus (The bully one):
“An intelligent risk or two at this point could pay off handsomely. Lucky times!”
So what you’re saying is that the chick who works in Londis who’s always super nice to me even though all I buy is softcore porn, tissues and peanut M&M’s, is really into me and I should show my love to her with a collage of my toenail clippings and my collection of bodily fluids? Forget lucky times indeed!
Gemini (The one with the twins, noice):
“Prepare for some loving action. Things can get as interesting as you like, or as you allow. Be open and go for what is on offer. Do not limit what you can achieve. Guard your secrets carefully.”
Despite all her best judgements, that woman you met in the club last night does actually want to touch your winky. She may also want to do other stuff with it, but she may also be open to a sandwage de trois. You can do this. Also, go over the contents of your hardrive before bringing the laptop for repair.
Cancer (The unfunny one, unless it’s like knob cancer, which isn’t funny but it sounds funny. Can you imagine if you heard that someone had knob cancer? You’d be all like “No way”, but you’d be giggling on the inside.):
“Play your cards close to your chest. Now is the time to be cute and confidential! Do not be paranoid in a competitive situation; just be mindful that you beat the rest hands down. Now, that can not be so bad. You need to have more confidence in you. That way you take the rap and reap the benefits. Good one!”
Wait, what?
Leo (The liony one):
“Your wizardry can work and is more potent than you appreciate. You might as well make the best of it.”
All those times you camped out for the Harry Potter books will finally pay off. Get the ladies naked, stand proud and shout “Vestimenta Removi”. Boing!
Virgo (The one with the cherry intact):
“It is about time your experiences reached integration. Be assured that they will and that what has gone on in the last while will finally gel and make complete sense. The time is now; so how?”
Make complete sense? Fuck off, you might as well say that Mr Giraffe is coming to dinner and he likes Cottage Pie, now is the time so showcase your mad pie making skills.
Libra (The erm, ….):
“If you listen to your dreams they will provide the clues for inspired decisions. Important messages occur for good reason. Watch for repeating patterns and universal clues. Ignore wobbles and warnings at your peril. It is important to work more closely with your intuition. Rational thought is too predictable!”
If you listen to your dreams it could result in the same way as when you listened to the voices. Ignore wobbles. Real men wobble, so have that extra mini roll with your tea you’ve earned it. Or have a Jaffa Cake, you don’t want to be predictable.
Scorpio (The cool sounding one):
“You are heading into a scenario which is potentially tedious.”
Just because you saw it on that Romanian version of Jackass, doesn’t mean that you should sellotape some pork to your cock and then break into the lion enclosure at the zoo. Oh wait, tedious? We read that as dangerous. There’s nothing tedious about that, go for it bro!
Sagittarius (The one that sounds like an STD):
“Let your bad dangerous side come out to play! Yes, you do have one tucked away somewhere.”
You know who you are, Fritzl you sneaky sod.
Capricorn (The goaty one):
“Take your time and breathe deep. There is really no panic.”
The label said if the condition persists for more than four hours that you should see a doctor. But that call out fee is a bit steep. Load up some more Youporn and it’ll take care of itself soon.
Aquarius (The fishy one):
“Be mindful that this life is not another dress rehearsal. So, live a little! Is it time for a bit of old nonsense? Ditch any sense of confinement. Boredom was never part of your game plan. So do not even go there!”
… girlfriend.
Pisces (The other fishy one, we think):
“Hope for a return of that energy you have expended. Like a boomerang your investment will spin around and land in your back yard. Here is hoping you projected the good stuff. For what you create, manifest and harvest will be in direct proportion to the effort you make. Keep things right and make it good.”
Fuck this for a game of soldiers, we’re off down the pub. How come that wasn’t predicted?
More musing next month.
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