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I have come to the conclusion that I am the best road driver in the world.

A couple of years back I had a crash that was caused by a person making a right hand turn and crossing the oncoming traffic without looking.  I was in that oncoming traffic and my car was written off.

I studied for my theory test, passed it.  Then I took my practical and passed it, first time.  I still drive carefully and yet because I’m a male of a certain age, I’m still statistically a liability.

The crash I had was caused by a woman.  This isn’t a sexist chauvinistic piece about women drivers, don’t worry.

Today I was very nearly in another crash, in a supermarket carpark.  A dude in a Merc decided that looking before pulling out of his space at speed just wasn’t for him and I slammed the brakes with inches between the cars.

Jumping out of the car and shouting at him resulted in him lecturing me on not using bad language, which I thought was rich coming from someone who had just given me the finger and gesturing that I was a wanker.

Note to self – using the word “Fuck” is obscene, giving someone the fingers and wanking gesture is not.  Hmm, funny that.

He was at fault and when challenged on it, I was somehow the bad guy.  Fuck it, he’ll crash into someone else one of these days, all because he won’t be paying attention to where he’s going.

I’ve had so many near misses because of people like this.

Here is a list of things that I do while driving:

• Indicate, in time for other motorists and pedestrians to notice.
• Look where I’m going.
• Use my mirrors.
• Don’t use the mobile.
• Wear my seatbelt.
• Use the outside lane for overtaking only.
• Obey the speed limit.

Here is a list of things that other fuckers on the road to while driving:

• All of the above, whenever the fucking mood takes them.

But then again this old fool that nearly caused the two of us stress at the hands of insurance companies was well over 60.  This probably means that he got his licence by just filling out a form all those decades ago and just renewed it ever since.  Driving whatever way he has seen fit without a single consideration for others.  His insurance policy probably costs as much as a sliced pan too.

So men of a certain age pay high premiums because we watch out for the mistakes of others.  That’s how it works.  Our insurance is so high that as much as a scrape on someone else’s car will result in us being financially raped for years to come.  This is why we pay so much attention on the roads, because other fuckers don’t and it’ll cost us in the end.

Here’s a few tips for every fucker on the road out there in our fair island:

Get off your cunting phone.  Put it down because it makes you unsafe on the roads, not because you want to shake your fist at the inconsiderate fucker in the correct lane with an indicator on at the roundabout.

Take your highbeams off.  Turn them off because it blinds the driver coming in the other direction, not because I’m flashing mine at you to warn you and then just turn them off as you’re finally passing me.  Cunt.

Check your mirrors while reversing.  Check your mirrors because it’s the safe thing to do, not because you want to see who or what you’ve hit coming out of parking space.

Check the speed limit.  I’m travelling at 100kmph, which is the speed limit on this road, flashing your lights at me and blowing your horn doesn’t apply to the department of transport and the RSA and instantly change it to your preferences.  Plus the tinted windows in your brand new beamer make you look like a tosser.

Foreigners are amazed at how we’re still alive most of the time after just one trip around any of our roads, mostly at the hands of a population that would consider itself competent at the wheel.

Oh and have you noticed how many learner drivers there are left on the road?  When’s the last time you saw a car with an L plate on it?  Probably around the time that the law became stricter on L drivers and the fuzz started seizing cars on the spot from L drivers without a licenced driver with them.  Funny how the Irish mind works.

L drivers take their stickers down and it stops them from being noticed, until they do something stupid.  The good ol’ Garda Siochanna stop looking because they don’t see the stickers.  Out of sight, out of mind.

But maybe I’m being bitter, after all the local authorities and government seem right on top of solving the many problems on the roads.  Potholes get filled in with gravel and that’s that.  Speed cameras that do nothing more than nothing.

It’s all good though, giving me a parking ticket for parking in a taxi bay that hasn’t seen a taxi in the 4 years it’s been there is the way of the future.

Today everyone is a cunt except me.

Deal with it.