What’s hot and what’s not

Wednesday's whinges and wayhay's

By Maxi | 28 Apr 2010 | One Comment

What’s hot

Britain’s got Talent

Forget X Factor or American Idol, this show is better than going to Dawson Street and spotting the man who shouts at the traffic. More weirdos than a carnival freaks anonymous meeting. From women saying their dogs can play the guitar to a man who thinks snail racing is entertainment. Let’s not forget the great big wobbling sack of crazy that Susan Boyle is.

Waking up before the alarm goes off

Fuck you, alarm clock with your incessant buzzing and your snooze button that makes us late for everything. In your face you little cunt with your settings that make it seem like we’ve set you for 8am, but really we’ve set you for 8pm. Fuck you and your blinking flashing screen when there’s a middle of the night black out. We don’t need you because today we woke up before you. We’re sorry, please wake us up tomorrow.

Milkshakes

Not the gloopy shite that you’ll find going for a drive thru, but the proper ones you make yourself. Proper ice cream, those Oreo biscuits (sorry, cookies) and a splash of milk. Thick, chunky and delicious. That’s what she said.

Watching someone drop their iPhone in the urinal

Serves you right you sad wanker. Who needs to be tweeting when they’re taking a slash? Just confirms that when we hear someone talking about their new iPhone that they must have their cock in their hand. Seeing that dude fishing his over priced marketing tool out of the pile of stinky urinal cakes and screaming “no no no no no no no no” was enough to give me a hard on. Which is the only time it’s ok to have one while at the urinal next to another man. Fact.

The Ricky Gervais Show

We’d never heard the original podcasts of himself, Stephen Merchant and their punching bag mate, Karl Pilkington. But the new show on Channel 4 is really quite good and genuinely funny.

Observe.

What’s not

Ads on the telly

Oh let’s see what’s on. Comedy Central, ads. E4, ads. TV3, shite. No matter what channel I turn on, there’s nothing but fucking ads on. I like to channel flick in between the ads, and by the time I’ve flicked through all the other ads on all the other channels, the programme I was originally watching is over. Comedy Central are the worst offenders. They need to take a step back and reaslise that one, Sex and the City isn’t funny, it might as well be a nature programme about Sarah Jessica Horseface. And two, even if it was funny we don’t need to be told about it every 7 minutes.

That fucking Magnum ad

While we’re talking about ads, we can understand how the utterly useless Africa orphanage bothering Angelina Jolie would do it. Sure she won an Oscar once, but that was just because she was wearing lockets of blood and scared the shite out of everyone. But Benicio Del Toro? What the fuck are you up to? You make us want to squeeze out a steamer on our Usual Suspects DVD. Go sit on the naughty step for a timeout.

Petrol Station Sausages

How long have they been sitting under that light? It’s early in the morning, they should look at least a little fresh. Instead they look like a freeze dried monkey penis. And when we say we want butter on our freeze dried monkey knob sandwich, we want butter. Not some “spread” that you get cheap from your supplier. It looks like and has the same consistency of old man tartar. Still, stick some red sauce on there too.

Cold calling

Thought this was illegal now. Doesn’t stop a certain energy provider fronted by a certain Lucy K. No wait, that’s too obvious, by L Kennedy. That’s better. No I don’t fucking want to switch, I’ll switch when I’m good and ready. How did you get my number? Why do you sound so happy? Yeah sure, you have a job, but we have our dignity you no friends having dinner interrupting loser. Do the decent thing and go work for those charities who stop you in the street. At least then we’ll have a face to put with the disdain.

Self serve checkouts