When he was alive my Grandad was a disgusting old pervert who abused me.
I’d piss on his grave if I didn’t know it would turn him on.
I’ve been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.
There’s been quite a few near Mrs.
I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him.
He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it…
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”
What fun that was…
Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother.
She didn’t laugh when I said that she’d probably made a fair few of mine too.
Walked past a restaurant last night and on the window it said – ‘Order anything you want, if we don’t have it, we’ll pay you £500′.
Went in and ordered ‘Giraffes kneecaps on toast’.
A short while later, the waiter returned with a cheque for £500 in my name and said “It’s your lucky day, we’re out of bread”
My wife asked me about the cut on my finger.
“Oh, that,” I said. “I was cutting up some string using the scissors.”
She said, “That was clumsy.”
I said, “Yeah. Anyway, are you looking forward to your sky dive tomorrow?”
If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.
My mate’s getting married next week. I text him yesterday and jokingly asked,
“So then mate, how many bridesmaids will i be shagging on saturday then 
”
He replied,
“Sorry mate but the only bridesmaids are Sarah’s 6 year old niece, my 10 year old god daughter and her baby sister!”
Three then.
Typical women.
My girlfriend bores me rigid every night telling me about every intricate detail of her day.
I couldn’t give a fuck about how long you were playing in the sandpit, and yes that’s a shit finger painting.
I scared my girlfriend whilst driving too fast the other day and found her fear quite amusing.
She said, “You won’t be laughing if you crash because then you’ll have a crippled girlfriend.”
I said, “No I wouldn’t, I’d have a crippled ex-girlfriend.”
Whoever said getting your heart broken is the worst feeling ever has never had their finger rip through the toilet paper when wiping their arse.
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