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Most videogames revolve around baddies and the thwarting of them. This week our friends at Chronic Reload are looking at the greatest villains in videogames. I thought we might mix it up a little by adding a contrasting companion piece about the assholes who aren’t part of the games themselves, but still have a huge effect upon them. Enjoy – and let the hate flow through you!

That Guy

After losing for the 907th time, Diego's only concern was where to bury little Timmy's body

We’ve all known a “that” guy at some point. You know, the one who is so good at a game that playing them is pointless. I remember Street Fighter 2 games when I was a kid against a particular bastard.  Being gracious in victory was not his strong point, as every time he whooped my ass he’d crack an infuratingly smug smile of Nesbitt proportions.

These days the online community is littered with such pricks. I cant tell you the amount of friends I have who are discouraged from playing certain games online because it is merely an exercise in humiliation. Inevitably some 12 year old bastard has figured out how to get around the “fun” part of the game and goes straight to winning via any cheap way available. Be it by camping in Modern Warfare 2, quitting out of matches you’re winning, or spamming powerful moves in fighting games. Every once in a while though, these pricks can be put in their place. And nothing is more satisfying as hearing the frustrated screams of one such tulip as you beat him good and proper.

Robert Kottick

The only thing missing now is the bitches

Robert “Bobby” Kottick is a cunt. The Activision/Blizzard CEO has not only gone on record as saying that he would charge even more for games if he could, but he also wants his employees to be unhappy. He’s also blatant about his ruthless business model, which focuses on consistent, reliable, and annual cash-cow releases (such as Call of Duty). It just goes to show that the guy in charge has absolutely no desire to release anything new or exciting, instead focussing on franchises repeating themselves ad vomitum.

This bastard, who looks like a cross between Warwick Davis and one of those green alien things from Toy Story, is anti-gamer, anti-innovation, and anti-competitive pricing. I would suggest boycotting his company and their bullshit policies, but considering Activision-Blizzard run half the industry that may limit your gaming options in the extreme. Instead, we suggest filling envelopes with whatever your favourite bodily fluid is and addressing them to: Robert Kottick, c/o Activision Headquarters, 3100 Ocean Park Boulevard Santa Monica, CA 90405.

Michael Atkinson

"Fuck you. And your fun."

Former South Australian Attorney General was the Emperor Palpatine of the anti-games extablishment during his lengthy reign. All of us non-Australian gamers should count ourselves lucky as we never had to deal with the ongoing censorship bullshit that our compadres down under do. There’s no Mature rating or equivalent in Australia, and many games such as Left 4 Dead 2 are released heavily edited. This is because of Atkinson’s consistent lobbying against the R18+ certificate.

Yep. That’s right. This guy didn’t think that ANY mature games should be released because god forbid consumers could make up their own minds, or even use a certified ratings board’s system to guide their purchases. Thankfully, this prize prick stepped down from his attorney general position – presumably to leave more time for shitting on people’s picnics.

Movie Games

"Phone customer service about this bullshit game, boy!"

Movie games are a cunt. If ever there was a potential for some truly amazing games, it’s movie tie ins. Unfortunately though, most are absolutely abyssmal. Now of course no-one is going to want to play Shawshank Redemption: The Game, where play revolves around avoiding rape in the washrooms, surviving beatings by the guards, and digging a hole in your cell wall over many years (although stranger things have happened) – but imagine a well-made Iron Man game or Matrix game. It’d be hard to fuck that up, yet they’ve done it again and again. These games are seen as safe because there’s just enough dumb kids and consumers with too much money to pick them up, but the average gamer knows that they are to be avoided like the fucking plague. The most famous and hilarious example of movie game failure is when Atari had to dispose of thousands of copies of the atrocious Atari 2600 game E.T. in a New Mexico landfill.

There are some extremely rare exceptions, but the best of these shit sandwiches are only notable for passability. These games are churned out as part of a marketing campaign, leaving the developers with extremely limited time and budget resources, inhibiting the release of anything superior to the average mobile phone game. Games take a significant amount of time to develop, and even if their ridiculously imposed schedules were timed to co-incide with DVD releases we might see some better products. We can but hope for the great white light of movie games to descend upon us and pave the way for the future, but until then we’d better get used to being cockslapped for having the bare-faced stupidity for buying one of these turds.

Microsoft and their hardware

The Red Ring of Death left gamers with the most expensive paperweight in the world.

Let’s get this straight, i’m neither a PS3 or and Xbox 360 fanboy. I’m fortunate enough to own both, and this was a calculated desision. For many years, the 360 dominated in terms of selection of games and online community – but there was something rotten in Denmark. Yes, the playstation was vulgarly priced when it first came out, and many lauded the 360 for its affordability – but lets look at the stuff that comes as standard with each system:

Xbox 360: No wireless receiver (costs about 70 euro), no battery pack (you either have to swap AA batteries often or purchase a battery pack for c. 20 euro), no free online play (Microsoft Gold subscription costs 60 euro per year), Xbox live marketplace uses misleading ‘Microsoft Points’ to pay for content which must be bought in 6 euro bundles.

Playstation 3: Built in wireless receiver, controllers have built in rechargable batteries, Playstation Network is free (including online play), Playstation network uses real money prices for all their DLC, although credit still must be bought in 5 euro chunks.

The Xbox still does have superior online support, including their excellent movie rental service, and the community is bigger – but my god do you end up having to pay for it. The Xbox controller is also superior – considering Playstation have stuck with the same basic design for 16 years. It turns out that new Microsoft 360′s will have a built in wireless receiver – But what good is that to me now Mr Gates?!?!

(dis)Honourable Mentions

M. Bison

Raul Julia is going to fuck your shit clean up.

An actual cunt from a videogame. M.Bison is an archetypal baddie – shrouded in mystery (no one knows what what the”M” stands for) and vicious in his tactics (he murdered brushhead Guile’s best friend, and Chun Li’s father). He also sent Vega to rape Chun Li in the excellent Street Fight 2: The Animated Movie. Did I mention he has a move called the psycho crusher and he was once played by Raul Julia? What a legendary fuckface.

Cloyster from Pokemon

This one is self-explanatory

Em.. Need I say more? He’s just a big cunt.

If you have any gripes with the games industry, or you feel a valid entry was left out of this article, please make your opinion known by commenting below.

Also dont forget to check out Chronic Reload’s companion piece!