Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

So Oxegen kicks off next Friday, and as with any event that takes you away from your mammy for more than a day, you’ll need to prepare.

Seasoned festival goers will know that you can’t just show up with a smile and the typical Irish thought that “it’ll be grand”.

If you’re heading for the three days you’ll have your tent and sleeping bags already.  Or at least you should have, if not you may have to give a handjob or two if you need somewhere to kip.

Personally I’ll be down there selling both tents and handjobs, but if you buy a tent I’ll throw in a free handjob.  Or vice versa, I haven’t worked out the details yet.

Here’s our list of essentials for Oxegen next weekend, or Electric Picnic or any outdoor event for that matter.

Toiletries

Don’t bring your fancy Hugo Boss or Molton Brown toiletry bag that you got way back before the recession age, it’ll be nicked or just destroyed.  It won’t get you any pussy by showing it off, it’ll just make you look like a big gay vagina.  Instead load up a Tesco carrier bag with deodorant (anti perspirant), some baby wipes, tooth brush and paste.  And if you’re pale skinned, stay at home because that probably means you’re ginger and you’re not allowed to mingle with the general population.  If you’re worried about getting sun burnt, bring along some sun screen.

That’s it.

A Raincoat

Yes it’s summer, but it’s Ireland which means it’ll piss down at the first available opportunity.  This usually means when you’ve spent ages waiting for your fave act and they’re about to come on stage.  You can get ones that fold up into a bumbag, but if you don’t want to look like an tourist, bring a simple black bin liner with you.  Some holes for your arms and bonce and you’re set.    You can go all out and get yourself a cheap Halloween mask of Donald Duck and you’ll look like the poor kids in the estate going trick or treating.

Wellies

Remember you’re heading to a giant field and when it rains, giant fields and thousands of people mean shitty muddy ground.  So either wellies or more plastic carrier bags for the feet are the only way to go.

Unless you don’t give a shit about getting wet, and want to join ladies like these.  In that case, go nuts.

Tissues/other

There will be a time when you’ll be “caught short”.  A couple of pocket packs of tissues will see you clear.  And if the queues are too long for the disease boxes portable toilets, see if you can get your hands on a Shit Box before you head off for the weekend.

Hand wipes

Sure you could probably do with out these if you bring your baby wipes with you, but better to bring them just in case.  Might come in handy if you make the same mistake this goober did.

.

.

A flash light

We know you’re not going to lump around a great big lamp with you, but you can get a key chain flash light for a few quid that’ll help you find your tent in the camping area that should be lit, but isn’t.

Johnnies

Yup, the chances of you getting some lady action on a normal day are next to the same chances of you discovering a cure for the ginger.  You just know that when you’re not prepared you’ll have to fight the dehydrated, sweaty festival foxes off with a shitty stick.  So be prepared.  You could go bareback, but then you might as well wash your mickey in the urinal, never mind your hands.

Chewing gum

Don’t be the smelly cunt who shouts and screams with joy when their fave choon is being showcased.  A packet of Wrigley’s should always be in the phóca.  Plus, it might be the deal sealer to getting to use your Jelly Tot flavoured condoms you’ve bought off a stall on the way in.

Nothing you want to keep

Ditch the fancy mobile phone, and bring the shitty phone hanging around in the kitchen drawer.  If you lose it, who gives a shit?  Don’t bring the iPod, you’re at a music festival for fuck’s sake.  Don’t bring your fancy digital camera, bring an old fashioned disposable.  Festivals are full of sticky fingered pick pockets and they love people bringing that shit with them.

Plasters

In case you give yourself a boo-boo and the first aid tent has a notice up saying “Back in 5 minutes” that’s been there since last year.

A spare blanket

Yeah you’ll be sweating like Gary Glitter at his girlfriend’s school play all day, but in the wee hours it’ll be colder than a Penguin’s scrotum.

“Other supplies”

Seeing as how head shops are now closed and the only other way to get the “atmosphere” you’ll be looking for would be to either concoct some recipe you found on the internet using banana skins and your granny’s toe nail clippings is to see a man who knows another man.  And we can’t condone that.  Drugs are bad, M’kay?

Have a good one….