Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:

‘Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.’

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn’t help but wonder…

What the hell does ‘ternative’ mean?

There’s one thing Katie Price hasn’t fucked that we’d love to see her do.

Off.

“iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful.” My laptop developed an eating disorder because of that advert.

Getting a tactical nuke on Call of Duty is the best feeling in life.
Much better than having sex.

Probably.

I came home drunk last night, crept up the stairs, slowly got into bed and then started to rub my wife’s cock.

That’s when I thought, ‘I don’t even live at number 15′.

My girlfriend found my porn collection the other day. Sobbingly she said, “The worst thing is, none of these women even look like me!”

To which I replied, “Well of course not, you’ve got all your limbs.”

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at me and said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”

I said, “Okay, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”

Via Sickipeda

Can be heard muttering "Fuck Morgan Spurlock" every 4 minutes.

Go faster. Faa-aa-aa-aa-aaster!