There are a few things that a man should never admit to. These fall into sub categories of doing, thinking, fantasising etc. Seeing as we are the go to place for men in Ireland on what to do and how to behave, we figured we’d help you out.
1. Liking a finger up the bum
So you’re on your own and a bit of time to kill, and you experiment with putting fingers somewhere. It feel good? Fair enough, having never tried it, I’ll have to take your word for it. Or maybe you have an open minded girlfriend who doesn’t mind digging around down there while noshing you off. Fair enough, having never let a lady do that to me I will yet again have to take your word that it is the bee’s knees.
Admit to it and we’ll never find it funny when you tell us to smell your finger.
Fuck it, we’ll never shake your hand again.
And next time your missus playfully asks us to lick whipped cream off her finger when she’s eating an eclair she can get ta fuck aswell.
2. Admit to crying during a movie
Can you appreciate the emotional struggle that Tony Stark feels between his need to right the wrongs of his family’s contribution to war and his compulsion to not give a shit? Fair enough.
Do you understand why Rocky feels like he’s never good enough? True dat.
Have a bit of a whimper when Will Smith dies at the end of Seven Pounds or when one gay cowboy can’t quit the other one? Then congratulations, you’re a vagina.
Do not pass go, do not collect a pair of testicles, go directly to jail with your vagina and stay there. We’ll come and get you when people pretending to be sad for a living doesn’t make you blubb like a little girl with a grazed knee.
3. Be afraid of anything
We’re not afraid of spiders, we just want women to feel less silly.
We’re not afraid of ghosts because ghosts are awesome in everyway and they can watch ladies get naked and do things to themselves.
We’re not afraid of commitment, we commit to a new video game every 4 – 6 weeks.
We’re not afraid of anything. Fact.
His name is actually "The situation". Cunt.
4. Call oneself a “playa”
No you’re not. You’re a cunt. If you’ve got more fake tan on your shaved chest than one of Jordan’s nipples you can get ta fuck.
If you get highlights in your hair then you’re a cunt.
If you aspire to look and behave like some cunt off “The Hills” or “Jersey Shore” and give yourself a name like “The Situation”, then you’re a cunt.
You may get lots of pussy, but you want them to stick their finger up your bum while you cry during a movie and shave your chest.
Cunt.
5. Replace actual swear words with child friendly alternatives
Do not replace the following with the following:
Sugar for shit (this also goes for when making tea)
Feck for fuck
Mothertrucker for motherfucker
Oh Brother for Get ta fuck
Front bottom for cunt
Swear like a man when necessary. It’ll get you more action because ladies love a man with a mouth like a sailor. Fact.
6. Fuck with another man’s automobile
7. Send a strongly worded email
“Dear somebody who I felt has wronged me in someway,
I feel that you have wronged me in some way and my rights as a human being with a vagina have been violated. Should you not rectify this post haste I will be forced never to give you my business ever again and I may just call Joe Duffy because he understands me.
Sincerely,
Some vagina”
Do yourself a favour and pick up the phone and fuck the person out of it. Better yet, go in face to face and see if the cunt still thinks he can fuck you around.
8. Keep drinking
Know your limit. The limit is “Jaysus, but Dave is hilarious. He had a few last night and kept us entertained with stories of how he lost his virginity to the cleaning lady in college”.
Going over it involves “Jayus, but Dave is a cunt. He had too many and ended up trying to chat my mother up because she reminded him of his long lost love in college. Then when she rejected him he cried in the corner and called us all cunts. He woke up on a building site this morning”
9. Use your belt for other than instructed
Your belt is for holding up your trousers, not for clipping the following onto:
- Your phone
- Your sunglasses
- Your Zippo lighter
You might as well hang your virginity off your belt, because you’ll need to do something with it when it grows back from lack of your penis in a vagina.
10. Pierce any part of your body
- We forget which ear is the “gay” ear. So best just to avoid it, unless you want to signal it.
- Nipple – for strippers and porn “actresses” who hope that a piercing will distract from their dead eyes. Which one do you want to be?
- Eyebrow – you might as well self harm with a compass the way the troubled kid in school did. If you burst a biro too you can give yourself a gnarly looking tattoo. Replace “gnarly” with “tacky prison”.
- Anywhere on the face – Unless your bestest friends forever include a midget, a bearded lady and some Siamese twins, you’re a cunt.
- Genitals – Why do you hate yourself so much?
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