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White Castle was one slop shop that I had been looking forward to. Ever since I saw “Harold & Kumar Get The Munchies”, I’ve wanted one of those tasty little burgers. They made those bite-sized bastards out to be some kind of magical, meat based solution to all of life’s problems. I had ‘high’ hopes for White Castle, come on…little burgers, how could they not be delicious?!

My journey to White Castle wasn’t as exciting as Harold & Kumars (I spent most of my time bent over, counting my toes to keep my mind off a hangover)…but it was a shorter trip, so I have one up on them there. After a short walk from the subway I could see the White Castle flag blowing gracefully in the wind just a few meters down the road…seductively beckoning me over. I was in for a little bit of a let down though as when I rounded the corner I was met with a slightly underwhelming sight. I wasn’t expecting a bleedin’ draw bridge or moat or anything like that, but when you hear the word “castle”, you get a certain image in your head. As in most cases, what was in my head failed to match what was in front of my eyes. The best way I can describe a White Castle building is that it looks like a prison themed petrol station.

Look! That Methadone clinic sells burgers!!

When I got inside I noticed the staff were hidden behind thick glass and security locked doors, which which had me kind of on edge. There’s something about the necessity for high security in a fast food place that doesn’t instill me with confidence, but I suppose that’s the point of a castle…security!

I had a look at the menu and found two very disturbing inclusions. The first one was chicken rings. I’m well aware that chicken in fast food places isn’t exactly know for its quality, but the fact that they blended chicken molded into rings disturbed me. The other one was what they dubbed the “Crave Case” which is a box with 30 burgers in it. I’d say if you even attempted to finish one of those you would fall to bits in stages: 8 burgers: getting sick, 15 burgers: legs go numb, 20 burgers: stroke,  25 burgers: diabetes. If you did managed to finish all 30 burgers you’d probably go blind and your feet would fall off.

I eventually ordered what they call a “Saver Sack” (yeh I know, sounds a bit testicley) which was three little burger things, fries (crinkle cut…posh bastards) and a giant refillable drink. Being pretty hungover (seems to be a common theme with me and fast food), seeing how they prepared the food turned my stomach a bit. They break the burgers off from a giant mold and cook them for about ten seconds either side. Then they blast it with a ketchup gun (Americans love guns) and smother it to death in that cheese you get with nachos in the cinema. After they finished abusing my food with sauce, I grabbed my meal and headed to a table.

One 'G' away from an accurate name

I took the first little individually packaged burger out and had a look at it before I started gnawing away. The burger itself is no thicker than a €2 coin and the bun is so shiny with greasy I could nearly see my own chubby face staring back at me (and no one wants that looking at them while they eat). Anyway, I started eating. First impressions? Pretty alright! There’s not really anything that stands out about the burgers besides the fact that they almost dissolve in your mouth when you bite them. (Brilliant, saves me the hassle of chewing!!). It sounds horrible, but they were okay. The crinkle cut chips were nice, nothing has topped Burger Kings chips for me, but White Castles came in a close second. The great thing as well is that all that food only came too a piss cheap $3. Even if it all tasted like shit (which it didn’t)…you’re barely wasting any money on it. Bonus!

Before I was finished my meal I was treated to another White Castle experience…the homeless. The low prices create a kind of ‘moth to a flame’ situation, the moth in this case is homeless (as are most moths come to think of it). Just before I was about to tuck into my last burger some homeless lad walked in and strolled right over to me, slammed his police report on the table and started rambling on about something. What I got from his elegantly told tale was that he was wrongly convicted of mugging some lady and the police arrested him and bet him in jail. To prove to me he wasn’t lying, he showed me his bloody mangled knees (exactly what i wanted to see while eating) and his shattered eyebrow (which he offered me a feel of…I declined) and continued ranting about the police. I ended up giving him my last burger to go away which he happily accepted and went on his way, but not before giving me one of the stickiest handshakes ever. I can see why they needed so much security…they must get some amount of weirdos in there during the day.

The Homeless: pioneers of the secret sticky handsake

Despite that though, I did enjoy White Castle. There’s nothing special about the food apart from the size, its just very average…one thing I will say about it though is that it is highly addictive (probably another reason the homeless are all over the gaf). Even now I still crave those palm sized beef cakes. The place itself is a good spot to hangout in if you’ve ever wanted to know what prison is like but you’re too much of a pussy to stab someone or smuggle drugs.

I’d say White Castle would be a great place to bring a girl out for a meal. Look at it this way…if you bring her to White Castle you can simultaneously lower her expectations and get her used to putting small meaty things in her mouth. Win, win!