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You know the story, you get a call from a rich dead uncle’s lawyer and he’s left you his mansion and all his fortune and his trophy wife that he never got his leg over.  All you have to do is spend one night in his mansion with a group of other hopefuls, which is said to be haunted.  Do that, and the house, money and trophy pussy are all yours.

Simple?

Ever seen a movie with that plotline?  Nothing is ever that easy, unless you follow these steps:

Watch your mouth

Say you believe in ghosts and shit and you’ll be the first one to be bumped off in a murder made to look like a suicide at the hands of the bored and maniacal spirit doing the rounds.  Say you believe in none of that shit and you’ll be tormented all night until you’re carted off screaming and kicking like a Scooby Doo villain.

Saunter into that house, get blind drunk and pass out.  You can do that any other night of the week and sleep through anything.  You can do it here.  The something you have to sleep through might just be a spooky ass raping, but let’s face it, there’s no other kind.  Best you’re in a booze coma for it.  Worst case scenario you wake up with a sore head, and sphincter.

Get your place in the pecking order

This is the last place, the place that sees you smile and sigh a sigh of relief as the sun rises on the horizon and you look around at a pile of dead pieces of bodies.  You will make it through the night, but you need to be savvy.

Yeah maybe, but it'll keep your ass alive and you know it

Fuck being racist for a minute, but don’t be the black/asian/mexican or whatever token minority they’ve thrown in with you.  These people will have stereotypical behaviour and will be the first ones hacked to death or chased around by an invisible ghosty with a case of the giddies.  Make sure you’re white, and from a rough background, but someone who doesn’t feel like they’re owed anything.  Actually, just make sure you’re white and not a complete cunt and you should be grand.

Don’t be the nervous cunt.  You’ll piss everyone else off and if the ghosties and ghoulies don’t off you, one of the others will.  And they’ll get away with it too, because they’ll blame the ghost who has been ethnically cleansing the place all night.

Don’t be the slut.  If horror movies tell us anything it’s that virgins live to the end.  Hopefully you’re not a virgin reading this, but once you’re not the uppity spoiled slut bitch you should be grand.  After she’s gobbled the lawyer to try and cheat she’ll try gobbling the ghost, but he’ll have none of it and splatter her all over the walls.

Don’t be the cocky one.  The one strolling around like he’s packing a tree trunk between his legs and calling everyone else “chief”.  He’s next in line after the slut and he’ll blubber like a kid who has just witnessed his puppy get on the business end of a running over the first time a cat jumps out from behind a door.

Don’t be the psychic one.  They’re never psychic.  If they were they’d be able to see a couple of hours in to the future when their intestines are used to spell out their name over the fireplace.  Instead they’ll mince about saying that they can feel a presence that isn’t happy with them being there.

Run ta fuck

Why do people hang around in movies when they see or hear something in the room they’re in?  I’d be out of there like a hot snot and make no mistake.  Run and never look back.  Head to a room further down the hall and wait there for something to happen, then repeat.

Don’t antagonise

You know the cunt who stands there all big and puffed up screaming “C’mon, you wanna piece of me?”.  Yeah, he’s about to have his nuts handed to him.  Leave him there and never shout anything to get up the ghost’s nose.  The only thing to shout is “Get ta ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, ya bastid” as you’re on your toes out of there, leaving a cloud of dust that kind of looks like you a bit.

Fuck de poh-leece

Or in this case, Jesus.  A bible, crucifix, holy water, prayer, priest or anything related will be about as useful as sitting down to have a good read of a leaflet entitled “Coeliac disease and you”.   If you can, try and get hold of a weird little old lady like in Poltergeist with a southern accent.  If nothing else, you can just make her say “Carol Aye-ann” for a giggle.  But if she’s any good, she’ll be taking no crap off the ghost.

No one liners

You’re not in The Expendables, count your blessings.  But in all horror movies there is at least one cunt who blurts out a one liner.  They’re not funny, they’re not clever and they fall into the category of antagonism towards the ghost.  Ghosts hate one liners.  Try to lighten the tension in the air with a quick – “Lots of ghosties and ghoulies around here.  Hope I don’t get grabbed by the ghosties.  Actually fuck that, I hope I don’t get grabbed by the ghoulies” will result in you being impaled on the nearest coat stand.  And rightly so.

Go back to the start

Fuck the rest of it, get twisted and sleep it out.  Why nobody has ever thought of this before is beyond us.  You’ll be hunky dory in the morning and knee deep in free money and minge.