Nothing is more manly than a head full of useless information. It’s used to break the silence in an awkward first date with that young lithe dancer who you convinced that you were hung like a snitch in 50′s mafia and wealthier than Michael O’Leary’s personal Taxi chauffeur. It can be used to spark lively and entertaining man conversation down the pub, and if you have a website dedicated to all things manly you’ll forever be revered as a genius when you publish them and share your manly knowledge and women will want you to touch them in their underwear regions. Probably.
It’s a special one this week, having spent most of the weekend travelling to and around London, I think it’s very fitting to feature the airline that we all love to hate, but also love to give our money to.
Ryanair.
Here are a few things that Ryanair say (roughly) and what they mean (actually)
I think we photoshopped out the wrong cock
1. “With our cheap flights we have allowed people to fly who never would have afforded it otherwise”
“So with the money you’ve saved on a plane fare, we can now rape you for baggage charges. Not only that but when you get on board we’ll try to sell you everything. We once found a wallet that had been dropped by some poor cunt, so we called for him on the microphone and gave it back to him in exchange for our “wallet handling fee”. He thought it was a bit steep at €180, but it wasn’t too much of an inc0nvenience as that’s what he had in there to begin with.”
2. “You can’t expect first class service for our prices”
“Our staff can turn around a plane at the airport in about 12 seconds, if they don’t we beat them with a wet Aer Lingus uniform. Would you be able to smile at the sort of bottom feeding cunts we get on planes every day? Doubt it, now sit the fuck down or we’ll set the wet uniform on you and charge you €35 for the pleasure”
3. “Our staff are some of the happiest in the industry”
“You never see them that way because this is a work camp, not a happy camp. They’re concentrating so they can’t be happy while the concentrate. We would liken our work day to that of a concentration camp, but Hitler and South Park own the rights to the name and the joke”
4. “We don’t have flight attendants, pilots and airport staff. We have a diverse family”
“… of humourless cunts. They have to do everything and our business model asks so much from our staff that they don’t have time to realise that they’re under paid. Of course now if anyone complains we’ll fuck them out quicker than a volcano ash compensation application form.”
5. “I love working for Ryanair”
“… are they listening? I always wanted to work in the glamorous world of the air stewardess. Now we’re just called staff, the bloke who cleans the sick out of the toilets gets more respect and every time I see blue and yellow seats I want to vomit and self harm. I dream of working for Virgin or British Airways, but I’ve been with Ryanair for 7 years now and if I left tomorrow I’d only be accepted as a vomit cleaner for the other airlines. Still, more respect. And I wouldn’t feel my skin crawling as much”
6. “Complain all you want, we get you there faster and cheaper”
“Faster because we don’t actually get you there, but 30 miles from wherever “there” is. Then you’ll be fucked out in the farthest gate in the farthest terminal they have. Cheaper because if you haven’t brought any luggage and breathe in the way we direct you too it might actually work out cheaper. Remember though that when you land you’ll have to get trains, buses, taxis to wherever you actually want to get to. So it’ll seem cheaper in the short term. Kind of like a cheap prostitute. Sure it’ll get the job done, but you’ll end up in the clap clinic after it wondering why you keep going back”
7. “We hope you enjoy your flight”
“Cos if you do, that’ll be another €47 please. Although to date, we’ve yet to collect a single €47 “enjoyment fee”"
8. “Sometimes I just want to open the door mid flight and watch as everyone gets sucked out into oblivion and my life’s pain will end”
“No, seriously.”
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