Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

A little while ago, myself and Hardwired went to take a look at Kinect, Microsoft’s new Xbox 360 peripheral. The idea is simple – you “are the controller”. There are no handheld motion sensors, no plastic attachments – just you and the Kinect camera, which senses colour, movement and shapes. There’s a built-in microsphone which can recognise voice commands, and the camera will learn to recognise your face.

The technology itself is very cool, but a quick glance around the room and my heart sank a little. There was nothing to be seen but cutesy, shallow, family-orientated games. Kinect, along with Playstation Move, represents a completely transparent attempt to get a chunk of Nintendo’s Wii market. Understandable, but futile. Nintendo already have a track record and reputation to beat the band, and the catalogue of games is already there. They’ve also gone and unveiled a genuinely exciting piece of hardware with their 3DS, an update to the phenomenally popular DS that promises 3D visuals (without glasses) and outstanding graphics for a handheld. At this demo, the Microsoft reps were tight lipped about any details not shown directly on the floor, so we have no idea if the game library will eventually accommodate different tastes.

Yep... You will look like a complete tool playing this. It even photographs you and uploads the pictures to Facebook. No, really!

However, it’s clear that I’m not the target market. By the marketing and small number of titles on show,  kids and casual gamers are really the audience Microsoft are going for, so I put my prejudice aside for a moment, and tried the games with an open mind. Playing Kinect is initially a fun and unique experience, one unlike any other. Our first game, Kinect Adventures, is a bundle of mini games mostly built around collecting tokens and racing your mate. It was fun to duck and jump while our sprite onscreen matched our actions. But after trying a few other games, the novelty wore off… And I think that Kinect is really going to have to up the stakes in the software department if it’s actually going to make an impression in the hearts and minds of gamers.

My issue with the Kinect system is the same as my issue with the Wii; by making motion controls an integral part of the gaming experience, you are in fact taking the player out of the experience even more. With some rare exceptions, using motion controls or gimmicky peripherals is always going to feel about as immersing as playing guitar on a tennis racket. Kinect removes the plastic toys, but still manages to power games that feel just as airy and unreal as other motion controlled titles – at least that’s how I felt after my short time with it.  One thing iss for sure though; if every home in the world had one, there would be a lot less fat kids. I broke sweat a few times playing the games, which require you to jump, duck, jog on the spot etc.

This is also the reason I think that Kinect is liable to get up the snots of more people than not. Kids love the Wii because unlike us fat, lazy, permanently hungover and lethargic adults, they like to run around. Kinect is not something that a kid can play if the parents just want peace and quiet, as there will certainly be a lot of noise as the games require you to jump around quite a bit. Great if you can throw the sprogs into an isolation chamber for a bit, but I can see Mammy and Daddy wanting to lamp little Tommy through a window as he embarks on his third hour of epileptic flailing. If it is a party game atmosphere with adults, the system crosses that fine line of Guitar Hero/Rock Band/Wii Sports involvement to the point where I reckon you will get about half an hour before everyone says “fuck this” and sits down again, wheezing into their cans of Bavaria.

Dance central. Surprisingly fun homosexuality simulator.

Another disadvantage over the Wii is the fact that, for all intents and purposes, you have to be standing directly in front of your television for the thing to work. That was fine on the roomy demo floor that we got to try it on, but most family homes have the telly tucked away in the corner. I can already imagine the potential nightmares of moving furniture, accidentally breaking the coffee table by jumping into it, spilling drinks all over the floor. I’m not being a grumpy auld fart here, but I can foresee problems setting up the Kinect sensor with appropriate floorspace in every place i’ve ever lived. As the guy who always kicks over the beer, this is a concern.

Pricing of Kinect is already a huge hubbub about the interwebs. Basically, you’re looking at a cool €249.99 euro for a new Xbox Slim, which despite being ‘Kinect Ready’, does not come with Kinect. The peripheral itself costs €149.99 , so you’re looking at the guts of €400 if you wants to play Kinect*. If you already own an Xbox, then Kinnect costs just shy of the 200 odd euro that could land you a Nintendo Wii, which already has a collection of critically acclaimed family games (Guitar Hero, Super Mario Galaxy, Wii Sports, Okami, Legend of Zelda) and mature titles (House of The Dead: Overkill, Madworld, Manhunt 2). Further to the pricing issue, Microsoft’s nickel and dime policies (and regular readers will know I am not a fan) were in full play as it was revealed that Kinectimals, the slightly creepy pet simulator, comes with one animal to play with. If you want, say, a tiger cub to go along with your lion cub, you have to fork out for a plush toy with a bar code which will unlock the content. The marketing department definitely has the nagging brat target audience figured out, but it seems a bit rich to me to ask for €49.99 for Kinectimals and have to fork out more for different pets.

Still though, Kinect does offer a unique gaming experience. The sad part is that often people seem to confuse this with genuine innovation. As unique as it is to control a game without a traditional controller, the games are all mega-simple. Kinect’s software doesn’t actually offer anything is the way of gameplay evolution the same way that Nintendo did with, say, Mario Galaxy. I can see application for Kinect in games like Heavy Rain, House of The Dead, Buzz, Flower. But in some ways it’s ever more limited than the Wii because the only way to get a sense of “Movement” is to run on the spot like a big twonk, restricting any actions you do to the limits of your (mostly) on rails sprite. In fact, most casual games like Guitar Hero, Red Steel, Wii golf/Bowling/Kayaking/Street Walking, Mario Kart etc RELY on the peripheral to lend coherency and context to what you’re doing.

This little fucker lives on nothing but cold, hard cash

One area that Kinect has a lot of potential, and here is where pricing is the biggest issue, is in its capacity as a controller for media. At the demo we were able to call up media files with the wave of a hand. You can then fast forward, stop, play and shuffle your music with simple gestures. Customisable voice commands will also be available but were not demoed. Imagine saying “Xbox – Engage” in your best Picard and having your Xbox turn on – Sweet! The media controlling also works well – feeling a bit like Tom Cruise’s twiddling in Minority Report or Uber-Pimp Timbaaland in the Ayo Technology Video. Add in a web browsing capability and you have serious room for fun and giddiness here.

I left the demonstartion feeling a little strange. I knew I had fun, but the fun was incredibly fleeting. Kinect is a great toy, offering a unique way to play games, but it doesn’t, or at least hasn’t, changed the games themselves in any significant way. It lacks the addictive factor of other peripherals too, and in the hour or two I spent playing it I didn’t leave wanting more. The use of Kinect as a media controller is very very cool, but I doubt many will consider it worth the money. Along with Playstation Move, Kinect smells desperate and, crucially, redundant. I hope I’m wrong, and developers squeeze some exciting new life from the hardware, but I fear we’re entering the era of the gimmick.

Microsoft Kinect launches in Europe in November 2010 (Date TBA) for €149.99.

*Kinect will be bundled in a special deal with the 4GB Xbox 360 Slim for €299.99

All launch games will have an RRP of €49.99