Been scouring the local newspapers of the country this week and I have to say that they make for a much better read than the mainstream press.
Here are a few of my favourite headlines of the week:
“Granny arrested in mobility scooter drug bust” – Mullingar Mover
Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty
“87 year old Gladice O’Reilly Murphy was jailed last night having been found guilty of drug trafficking. It took the jury 7 minutes to bring in a verdict of guilty on all 257 counts against the great grandmother. She had been doing drug runs in her mobility scooter to and from her supplier and customers.
Gladice admitted in court that her use of medicinal marijuana for her hip had lead her to use it more and more.
She told the prosecution:
“Ya’ll don’t know me an’ my problems, bitch. I’m the biggest supplier of green in the midlands, you can’t keep me down. Shit.”"
She is currently awaiting sentencing, but it’s believed she’ll be sent to a maximum security wing somewhere having told court bailiffs :
“Ya’ll better lock me up and trow away de key cos I’ll fuck ya’ll up”
In a side story, her great grandson won the local supermarket’s finger painting competition. Gladice has been heard to say that little Billy’s painting was “da bomb”.
Indeed.
“Steak gets tar-tarred ” – Dundalk Diddler
“German man, Hans Auf was admitted to hospital this week with chronic body odour and tapeworms. At first doctors were completely stumped as to how the patient could be suffering from so many. The doctor told us….
“He had over 60 different tapeworms in his digestive system. When we took an X-ray it looked like the floor on spaghetti day in the local creche. And as for his smell, it was just that of rotting meat. None of us speaks German and the only English he knows is “3 kilos mince please”. It’s astonishing.”
After a local Garda investigation, mostly brought on by a huge local interest and boredom on the part of the Gardaí, some answers are arising.
When Gardaí entered Hans’ home to collect some personal belongings for his stay in hospital, they noticed a pungent odour, similar to that emanating from Hans, only much much stronger. Following the smell, they entered the bedroom where they found approximately 60kg of minced beef in the shape of a woman on the bed. The Gardaí have been quoted as describing the scene as “a little jarring” because “the woman was on her back, spread eagle with various puncture holes about her person”. 
Upon questioning Hans with the aide of an interpreter and a strong stomach, they discovered that every month Hans would visit his local butcher and ask for 3kg of meat every day until he had enough. Each day constructing another part of his meaty partner.
Hans came to this country after his wife died and said that he missed her terribly. She was the local butcher in his town and she would always smell of meat. “One of ze zings zat attracted me to her in ze first place” is what we imagine he might say as he doesn’t speak English and our editor won’t spring for a translator.
Hans would fornicate with the meat for a period of two weeks, with an average frequency of tri-daily occasions. When the mould would no longer hold its shape and the ratio shifted from being in favour of meat to his own deposits, he would discard it and begin a new one.
Doctors say his tapeworms will be easily treated and they’ve signed him up to an online dating agency.
When we caught up with the butcher who supplied Hans with the meat, all he had to say was, “Well, I just thought he liked my mince”
That he did.
Talk about buying a girl dinner!