Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Men are plucking, preening, scrubbing and exfoliating.  Metrosexualness has gone too far.  I am here to remind men how to be men.

Poxy Gok Wan and other useless tossbags have some men convinced that they have to go all sensitive to their looks and shit.  And that’s not all.  With more of us being subjected to day time TV than ever before we have to watch tips on how to become more in touch with our feminine side.

Men, grow a pair and be men!

Here are some pointers on how to get some of your balls back:

1.  Thou shalt not covet thy bitch’s face cream

There is a time and place for face and cream to be united in a glorious moment.  I’ll give you a clue, it doesn’t involve your face or her cream.

2.  Thou shalt not wear pink (2a, or call it Salmon)

Next step is voice training so that you'll at least sound like a woman when they lob your manhood off

3.  Thou shalt never wax or shave body hair

Regular shaving and charity waxing are acceptable if there is a chance of a sticky dicky at the end of it.  Other wise, you’re on a one way street to manginaville, population – you.

4.  Thou shalt never get a manicure

My mother used to tell me that if I bit my nails that worms would grow in my belly.  My older cousin Barry used to tell me that if I got a manicure that I’d turn into a girl and desire penis.  I’ll let you figure out the scarier option.

Tuck in. It's what's for dinner.

5.  Thou shalt not think anything is “cute”

You may think things are the following:

• Lickable
• Fuckable
• Motorboatable
• Incestable
• Jailbaitable
• Analable

Never cute.  Unless you see a hot chick walking a puppy.  Then call it cute and wait for the impending blow job.

6.  Thou shall love the red heads

Oh go on then

Get ta fuck away from me with that

7.  Thou shall masturbate at every opportunity

Even if your conscience tells you that you shouldn’t, you should.  Trust us on this.

8.  Thou shall watch copious amounts of porn

Just like crystal meth, jaffa cakes and toe sucking you can just never have enough porn.  Be careful though or you’ll become desensitized to it.  I can’t even get a semi off a jaffa cake anymore.

9.  Thou shall ignore the needs of others, at all times

Yeah you do, now give yourself a hug you deserve it

10.  Thou shalt never hug, ever

Hugs are for girls, have a wank instead. You'll feel better anyway.