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We could tell you how to light fires and make shelter out of your own shite and some coconuts, but

• We don’t know how to
• It’d just be a copy and paste from Ray Mears blog
• If you’ve seen Castaway you’ll already know that all you need is some ice skates, a dead pilot and a volleyball to get you back on your feet.

Instead, we reckon that you’d be bored right out of your man tits in between trying to catch fish and shit like a bear.  So we’ve put together a list of things that will keep you busy through out your time on that island.

Yeah it's grand but it's a little draughty

Build some sandcastles

Unless you’ve been shipwrecked in Blackpool chances are you’re surrounded by sand.  What else are you going to do?  By the time you come to terms with the fact that you’ll probably die there, you’ll have learned how to construct everything out of sand.  In no time at all you’ll have evolved from a make shift hut, to a full on duplex.

Then you’ll have somewhere to plug in your kettle and boil your own piss so that you finally have something to drink.

Write a list of stuff that you wish you had

Wish you had a Swiss Army Knife?  Write that down.  Wish you had a box of matches instead of having to rub fucking sticks together?  Jot that down too.  Add in how you’d like some bog roll, a cup of tea, a packet of Tayto and your Xbox, but write it down in the sand.  This will serve no other reason than to make your life more miserable.  Then when the tide comes along and washes your sad little wish list away, start again.  Only this time add a pen and paper to your list.

Then have a bit of a cry as you wipe your ass with your hand in the sea again.

Masturbate until the cows come home

When was the last time you had a marathon session a la self on the beach?  If you’ve answered “Last weekend behind the Mr Whippy van” then you can die a happy and fulfilled man.  For the rest of us, we stroll around nekkid because there’s fuck all people to see us and when the mood of impending and everlasting loneliness takes us, we just take ourselves.

With the wind on your nuts and the surf between your toes, sure you might as well have a go.  Let’s face it those cows are never coming home.

Then when you’ve finished, add an internet connection to your sand wish list.

And some hand cream.

Train a monkey butler

This depends on there being a single monkey on the island.  If there is, it should pose a few questions.

• Where did this single monkey come from?
• Why is there just one monkey here?
• How can I train this bastid to be my butler?

You should ask him if he’s the only one on the island.  If he just throws his shit at you, you’ll have to break his spirit and then train him to catch you dinner.  If he answers you, he’s too intelligent and will probably make you his bitch.  Just go with it, it’ll pass the time.

If he wants to make you his butler, go for it.  You’ve fuck all else to do and it’ll look good on your CV when you get back to the world instead of just “Sat on me hole on an island waiting to be rescued.  2004 – present”.

Fuck the Little Mermaid

You know she’s out there and you know she’s up for it.  If you stand around with your knob flapping in the water long enough she’ll see sense and beach herself on the shore for you to have a go.

Either that or a shark will nom your cock off.

He who dares.