How much of a cool name would that be for a new game?
I reckon it’d be about one of the following:
- Death’s pinky ring that he uses to fuck people up
- A giant red ring with an uzi and a bad attitude
- Your sphincter after a few too many scoops and a questionable taco cheese chips
Alas, it’s not a game I’m reviewing, but the new Xbox 360 slim.
Having returned home from Thorpe Park with Paddy and our respective better halves (More about that soon), I sat down to have a nice relaxing game of Modern Warfare 2. Knowing full well I’d have my ass handed to me yet again, I’ve become quite accustomed to being more than somewhat average at a game I’ve been playing for well over a year now.
I pushed the button on the wireless controller to start up the Xbox. Actually on a side note, since I bought my Xbox second hand and without an instruction manual I never knew that you could start and shut down the console with the wireless controller. This was the happiest day of my life up to that point as it meant I could be a complete and utter lazy fat bastard and never leave the couch. Finally a proper excuse for my nappy.
With the button pressed, I stuck on my headset, which is only used to recieve such gems as
- Fuck me, you’re shit
- Shoot him, SHOOT HIM! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK! Go home.
and the ever simple but completely effective
- cunt
All given with venom that only a fat 11 year old American kid can muster.
Changing the channel to the correct one, I’m met with a black screen.
Looking at the Xbox, I’m met with three flashing red lights where only one green one should be.
This my friends, for those of you like me who didn’t know, is Xbox cancer.
My first reaction was to do what all tech support people tell you to do. I switched off and back on again.
Nothing but red.
I Googled the problem and was told that it could be a power problem.
I followed instructions to plug everything out and plug it back in again.
Nothing but red.
The other possibility?
My Xbox had died. A hardware problem apparently. One that could be fixed by sending it to Microsoft, or taking it apart and having at it myself.
Well first off, I wasn’t covered by any kind of guarantee and secondly I haven’t the patience to try digging around inside something I didn’t understand. I get enough of that when I go to bed with the missus.
So what to do?
Panic – check
Feel sad that I’d not get to play MW2 badly again – check
Wonder what I’d do with my life from that point on – check
Put a plan together – check
I knew that there was a new Xbox on offer, in fact there were two. One a 4GB one and a 250GB one. Both boast super quite operation, built in hard drive, built in WiFi, Kinnect Ready and with a free headset and wireless controller.
But in these tough economic times ( I know, all who use those words are cunts) how is one to afford a new Xbox? Simple. With a trip to somewhere like Gamestop one can easily do such a thing.
So I took all the accessories I had accumulated over the last year in the form of wireless controllers, WiFi receiver, headset, games, and countless DVD’s that I just stare at while complaining that there’s nothing on the TV. So armed with my Tesco bags full of swag, I made my way to Gamestop.
Turns out I was sitting on nearly €160 worth of crap that they were willing to take off of me for store credit, so I sprung the extra €100 for a new 250GB Xbox Slim.
What can I say?
It’s a snazzy bit of kit but when I heard about it a while ago I thought, and typed something along these lines…
“Who’s going to waste their money on a new machine with all that stuff when we’ve already gotten every thing sold separately?”
Well lads, the answer is which ever poor fucker hasn’t got a warranty on his dead Xbox. I have to admit, it’s a pretty machine, but that’s not what we go for in a console. At least not for long anyway.
Sure when you take it out of the box and it’s shinier than the shiny demon Tenacious D sang about. And when you think you have to push an eject button to get your MW2 disc in, all you actually have to do is swipe your finger over a sensor type dealy you feel like you’re on the Enterprise.
It is also as quiet as they say, not the foundation rumbling hoor of a thing that the old white boxes are, and mine was.
With the hard drive built in, there isn’t even an option to clip on a secondary one to the top of the housing. But there are USB connections to connect other types of hard drive and other pieces of kit.
The WiFi receiver is also built in and is a much better receiver than even the latest wireless one sold for older models.
The lads from Boob.ie went along and tested the Kinnect thingy that’s about to assault every Christmas list, so this new machine is compatible with that. Having not tested it yet myself though I don’t know if I’ll be rushing out to buy it. And here’s why.
They could have included a built in wireless receiver ages ago. Same with a built in Hard drive, the swishy finger eject button thing, the quiet operation of it all. But they didn’t.
They could have included the High Definition cables needed if you have an LCD or Plasma TV to hook it up to, but they didn’t. They still don’t by the way, so if you do trade in everything you have for a new one, hang on to your Hi-def connections.
It’s not going to be long before the entire Kinnect kit comes with all new Xbox’s as standard. And by the time that happens, it’ll be time to replace the old bird again so it’ll be ok.
Until then though, all this machine has done, aside from give me back the ability to get humiliated by every one else online, is make me realise that I’ve been financially raped by Microsoft. We all have, from various Windows systems that promise to be better than the last. (Although I have to reluctantly admit that Windows 7 has yet to give me problems) And such a dizzying range of video games systems for “every type of gamer”.
Get ta fuck.
There’s one type of gamer. A gamer.
Give us all the same system with the same big giant hard drive and if we use it we use it. If we don’t we don’t.
All in all, if you really love your new Xboxes and gadgets you’ll probably run out and grab one. But if you’re thinking it’s going to change your life, then don’t. Because it won’t.
It’s just a shiny new Xbox with a connecting port for something that you won’t use because you know someone with a Wii.
If however you have an Xbox that has just died of red ringed nastiness then you could do worse than just trading up like I did and de-junk your living room at the same time.
(Incidentally TheDunne’s Xbox died at the very same time mine did. I don’t know why you’d find that interesting, but we did)
And here’s a tip for all the Microsoft Product Development big wigs that I know are reading. Whatever the next generation of Xbox is, you better have all the bells and whistles on it upon release instead of drip feeding us the shit over a few years.
If not, you’ll be on the business end of my very own brand of flashing red ring courtesy of my chilli coated dildo on a broom handle.
Soothing sour cream rub will be sold later as an add on.
New Xbox slim’s will set you back
- €200 for a 4GB (Why?)
- €250 for a 250GB
Depending on where you get them you’ll get a game or two thrown in for good measure too.
Nice article man! Were you able to transfer the stuff from your old hard drive? Save games and stuff. I’d almost consider upgrading if I had the cash, what with the built in wireless and hard drive space(my hard drive is a 20 gig from back in the dark ages). I’d be gutted to lose the saves from my favourite games. I know achievements and stuff are synced online but…?
No I wasn’t because it’s pretty much fucked. Although as I say that an ad appears above this article to fix the problem at home.
You can however, transfer all of your saves to an external hard drive of a pc or laptop. There’s a few google searches that come up. Saving that you can just hook the two boxes up and do a transfer, as far as I know.
I went from a 20GB old style like yourself, so I’d recommend finding a way to transfer your files and then trading up.
Trading all your old kit (as it’s all built in on the new one) should give you upwards of €100 depending on what you have.
Top that with getting rid of games you don’t play anymore, and whatever DVD’s you don’t watch anymore and you almost feel like you’re robbing them.