Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Disclaimer:  This can’t actually be done.  Women can’t actually orgasm.

So you’ve done the unthinkable – you’ve managed to make a woman think that you’re not a complete wanker and gotten her back to your place for some anal.

Well slow down there soldier, before you dive right into some quality bung burgling, you have to woo your woman.  Wooing your woman is the medical term that means “do it right and you’ll get some balloon knot”.  It’s Latin or something.

So the best way to woo a woman is to give her something called an orgasm.

Second Disclaimer:  Really, it’s not real, don’t worry.  Your woman will still have to give you anal whether you give her one of these fake “orgasms”.

So here are our tried and tested tips and tricks for giving your lady an orgasm.  No laughing now….

Research done by women or someone tells us that unlike men, women are not as aroused by simply looking at pornography as we are.  So try not to leave those lesbian midget magazines hanging around.

Instead, stimulate her sense of smell.

Women being women, the best way to do this would be to have had cooked her a lovely meal and have your lair room smelling clean.  Now we know that neither of these things are either plausible or possible so the best way to recreate this illusion is squeeze half a bottle of washing up liquid (lemon scented) into a Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle and leave it under the bed.  The hot water will let off steam and the steam will smell of both lemony fresh goodness and also trick her brain into thinking she had enjoyed a complete gourmet meal.  Fucking genius!

Her sense of taste and sight are a little trickier.

We all know that penises taste disgusting, errr…I mean, we all can assume that penises taste disgusting, so the best way to remedy that situation is to dip your penis into a bottle of Listerine.  BEWARE!  It stings a little.  Well ok, it stings a lot but it will guarantee that the next part works.

Now that your todger is smelling minty fresh, it is a well known medical fact that women find it impossible to NOT put mint in their mouths.  It’s the way that their brains are hardwired.  So you will be guaranteed at least 5 minutes of oral pleasure for yourself.  “5 MINUTES” I hear you collectively shout, “WE WON’T LAST 5 MINUTES”.  Uncle Paddy has thought this through, dear reader.  The pain from the Listerine dunking will offset the lovely noshing you are getting and you will look like a stamina-king.  After the 5 minutes, the pain should have subsided and then it’s time to put the next part of the plan into action.

After 5 minutes of oral love, you should be ready to splooge.  Now it’s important that you aim correctly here.  Instead of your usual target area of boobs/back/belly it is important that you aim your penis not further than 5 cm from her eye and then jettison your creamy ribbons of love directly into the eyeball.  Ensure that you have enough left in the tank to cover the other eye too.  This method of depriving the sight is much more romantic than the usual silk blindfold technique that you see in the films.  Nothing turns a woman on more than feeling your love in their eyes.