Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

It’s no secret that I loathe U magazine and everything it “stands” for.

I’ve gone over this many times and I will continue to do so until the people who print the magazine finally die of a fiery vagina.I mean c’mon ladies.

And I know that ladies come here and read the stuff we have on here, well I can’t blame you really.  After all, it’s a mammoth task to release a shitty PR and ad mag every fortnight that takes any intelligent person 3 minutes flat to read.  So in between bouts of having your intelligence raped it must be nice to come somewhere that doesn’t make you think that the Irish “celebrities” they “write” about are actually interesting.

It must also be refreshing to come somewhere that doesn’t try and sell you shit you don’t need in the hope that they’ll get free shit themselves.

It makes my balls boil with anger.  Weird anger.  The kind of anger that you can only understand if you’ve ever heard a child scream in a supermarket and wanted to shake it like a cunt until it bled from the ears and then died quivering.

See?

That’s a very vivid and unnecessary description of how to kill a child and it’s all U’s fault.

I had better channel this anger properly.  Here’s my top 5 things you’d hate if you worked for U Magazine.  Actually it’s my list of things I’d hate if I worked for U Magazine, and all the nasty but hilarious things I’ve ever written about them will surely ensure that this never ever happens.

1.  You will lose the respect of all your friends

Sure they’ll still be your friends, but they won’t respect you.  Just like when a parent looks at you having caught you masturbating in to your sister’s knickers, they won’t be angry, just disappointed.  And utterly disgusted.  I mean sure, you hear about blokes masturbating into their sister’s knickers and working for U magazine all the time, you just never think it’ll be anyone close to you.

That look of disappointment, immediately followed by avoidance of eye contact for as long as they know you is a sure sign that you’ve done bad.  You have, and you deserve to have your nose rubbed in it like a Jack Russell who has pissed on the carpet.

Think of the carpet as your career and the U as the piss.  Horrible, slightly more yellow than it should be and a little bit Sugar Puffy in smell, piss.

Remember that bloke a few years back who wrote a book about how to bugger kids and Amazon got in trouble for selling it until they took it down?  Yeah, well he has friends.  Know why?  Because his book wasn’t called U magazine.

Ouch?

I’m not even warmed up yet.

Gives you less friends than a raging pedo

2.  You’ll begin to believe that their cover stories are stories

Who cares is Victoria Beckham is pregnant again?  She’s a broom with fake tits and the personality of a used wank hanky.

Now if the headline read “Victoria’s minge itches because there’s no way David didn’t do that Rebecca Loos one and there’s no way he isn’t doing more women now.  Or dudes, are we the only ones who think he’s gayer than Dale Winton giving Graham Norton a reach around? Turn to page 6 to find out!!”, we could be interested.

Then you’ll turn to page 6 to find a massive picture of Victoria spread across a double page spread with a little 96 word “story” that says “She’s got an itchy minge.  Could mean that she’s going to come into money.  Isn’t that what an itchy minge means?  Or is that itchy hand?  I had an itchy hand once, I was wearing a purple cardigan and it made me spill my Maltesers but I didn’t really have Maltesers because if Edel finds out I did she’ll totally rat me out in Weight Watchers on Thursday.  Oh, and a source close to the Beckhams reckon that David isn’t gay and that Victoria’s boobs are totes real.  We knew that, we really love the Becks!“

No that didn’t make sense, but it also doesn’t make sense that they get to release a fortnightly magazine full of this crap.

Must be hard filling it with stuff that obviously hasn’t just popped into their heads.

Poor dears.

Now I”m getting warmed up.