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Whether you’re a one time smoking hot Jodie Foster trying to make a career for herself in the FBI or some crazy German dude who wants to have his nuts nibbled by a crazy nut nibbling cannibal, never say we weren’t there for you.

Cannibal’s are a crafty bunch, always trying to eat some part of you.  No more.  In case you find yourself in a situation where you think there may be a cannibal present, here’s a handy list of tips and tricks to keep yourself from being lunch.

Preparation

It’s hard to know really which kind of meat cannibals like.  Look at it this way, some of us pick the fat off of a piece of bacon, others just chomp that bad boy down.  I imagine it’s much like that for cannibals.  Some like a bit of gristle and other don’t.  So just pay attention to which kind of people your resident cannibal prefers and become the opposite.  If you’re unfortunate enough to be caught in the street by an opportunistic cannibal, then just pray that he gets high cholesterol from eating your fat arse.

Be aware

Are there any doctors around?  Don’t trust these fools, they’re the ones who are most likely to be cannibals in the first place.  Hannibal Lector was a doctor and he chopped people up good and proper.  And Dr Dre?  I’m not down with the hip hop posse, but I remember a song where he said he eats fools like me for breakfast.  Don’t chance it.

Best thing to do is pretend that someone is having a heart attack, scream out “Is there a doctor in the house?”. When one comes rushing, tell him to fuck right off.  Congratulations, you’ve got his number.

Arm yourself

Literally.  It’s about survival of the fittest here.  Rip someone’s arm right off them.  Someone weak like a small child, or someone in a wheel chair.  Or a child in a wheelchair.  They’d be handy enough to get the better of.  Don’t try and get the hand they operate their little joystick with.  That’s probably their strong one and they’ll fight you for it.  If I had to choose between a panicked wheelchair kid and a cannibal, I’ll choose the cannibal.

Then when the cannibals come a munching, you can either beat them off with it or throw it at them to give yourself time to run and rip another child’s arm off.

By the way, we don’t mean beat them off in a sexual way, it’s a child’s hand you sick puppy.

The moment of attack

Say it’ll never happen to you, we all do.  But I had a mate who refused to buy cannibal insurance, and the very next day he was lying by the pool at his holiday hotel.  The towel boy came up and ate his big toe right off.  Right off, no warning or nothing.  With no insurance to cover him, my mate is now on the look out for a big toe on the black market.  Which I think would be weird looking because he’s white.

The best thing to do it to be vigilant.  Cannibals always give themselves away by licking their lips right before shaking some salt and pepper on your ass.  When I say ass, I mean it in the gangsta sense of your entire person.  If he shakes salt and pepper on your actual arse, he might be some sort of sexual deviant.  You won’t want to mess with him.  If you see this, run away.  Or ask if they want to fuck, this might just be their way of coming on to you and we wouldn’t want to do you out of some action.

Of course it could be a clever ploy to get you naked and expose more flesh, so best just to run.

Ah well, it still makes me smile when my mate Gimpy McFootjob tries to wear flip flops.

Eat lots of weird shit

I ate his liver with some mushy peas and a can of scrumpy

I remember watching a Gordon Ramsey programme, or Jamie Oliver or someone who fed a pig cider so that it would make the meat taste all cidery.  He said it worked with the pig, so let’s have a look at some things you could eat while paranoid of a cannibal attack to stop you tasting so lovely…..

• Abrakebabra
• Dirty nappy Wellington – like Beef Wellington only with a dirty nappy instead
• The back end of a hobo
• Supermacs
• Anything with Goat’s cheese in it, that shit is rank
• Twink

Eating any of the above will turn you into a bitter husk filled with shite.

The attack itself

Let’s just imagine the worst, you’ve done everything in your power to prevent it, but one slips through your defences and noms your eyelids and foreskin.  I don’t know why he’d (or she’d) pick those two, for some reason they just came to mind.

You can join a support group for Survivors of Cannibals.  This should cheer you up when you hear stories like my mate with the missing toe and other people with missing bits.  I bet there’ll even be just a head there recalling better days when he had a body.

Be careful though, I once stumbled into a Survivors of Incest support group.  The stories they told got me hornier than a Rhino in mating season.  You don’t want that happening around cannibals.  They’ll just see it as more of you to eat.  On the plus side, they probably won’t cry as much if you openly masturbate during confessional time.