Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Tis the season for lots of Tricks and definitely for lots of Treats.

Here are some festive games that I thought might make your Halloween night a bit more fun. They can be played by just you and your lover or in groups.

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Nothing is more manly than a head full of useless information.  It’s used to break the silence in an awkward first date with that young lithe dancer who you convinced that you were hung like Super Donkey and wealthier than the creator of the Super Donkey comics who have just sold the film rights to a Hollywood studio for a huge budget trilogy.  Yeah the first one will be good, but then the second one will try to be too clever and lose some of its audience.  The third one will try to fix it, but the story will be over complicated, there’ll be too many bad guys and the audience will have moved on by then.  It can be used to spark lively and entertaining man conversation down the pub, and if you have a website dedicated to all things manly you’ll forever be revered as a genius when you publish them and share your manly knowledge and women will want you to touch them in their underwear regions.  Probably.

It’s been a few weeks since the last Man Facts, but that’s just because I didn’t do one.

Here are some true facts about Hallowe’en…..

• Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire, share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes.
• Jack o’ Lanterns originated here in Ireland where people placed candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away spirits and ghosts on the Samhain holiday.
• The ancient Celts thought that spirits and ghosts roamed the countryside on Halloween night. They began wearing masks and costumes to avoid being recognized as human.
• Pumpkins also come in white, blue and green.
• The Ouija Board ended up outselling the game of Monopoly in its first full year at Salem. Over two million copies of the Ouija Board were shipped.
• The original “Halloween” film was made in only 21 days in 1978 on a very limited budget.
• Halloween is on October 31st, the last day of the Celtic calendar. It was originally a pagan holiday, honoring the dead. Holloween was referred to as All Hallows Eve and dates back to over 2000 years ago.
• The first Ouija board was patented in 1891 by Charles Kennard. The word “ouija” comes from the French word ouiand the German word ja, both meaning yes.
• It wouldn’t be Hallowe’en without a SAW movie, although it will be next year as this year’s SAW 3D is the last one planned.  Last year’s SAW movie was going to be made in 3D, but the producers figured that the whole 3D thing was a fad that would pass.
• So far, the SAW movie franchise has cost at least $47m to make, but has grossed over $740m worldwide.  So you can understand why they keep making them.

Here are some facts we wish were true about Hallowe’en…..

• Whatever costume you head out in tonight, you’ll be the only original and creative genius in it.  Like last year’s Zombie Michael Jackson’s and Heath Ledger’s Joker.  Why not go out as a pale D4 kid with too much product in his hair?  You’ll look just like every other fucker out there who looks like a Twilight cunt.
• Going out as Harry Potter will guarantee that you get a slutty version of Hermione to play with your wand.  Actually your rotten luck will mean that some greasy ginger fucker will get the slut and you’ll be left at home on your own crying into your sad, too small for you school uniform.  ”Sola masturbari” you’ll cry as your mouse moves to click on Pornhub.
• Our handy tips on which slutty costume to look out for to get you slutty hallowe’en action is gospel.

Let’s face it, if you didn’t already know about this here fantastic site, you’re only here inbetween marathon wanking bouts of internet abuse.

We all do it, and for the unfortunate unpractised few, the risk of being caught with your pants down, belt around your throat and a look on your face that’s a cross between shock, fright and disappointment because now you’ll have to wait to finish off.

Some of us are more versed in self abuse, having to hone our skills in the bottom bunk without waking our younger brothers or preventing them from sleeping in the first place, before the convenience of the internet.

Nowadays when a man is seen in front of a computer screen people will assume that you’re looking at porn and about to go to wankcon 5 any minute.

Best to have a list of excuses ready should the mood take you…..

• Da?  Well if you’re gonna stand there at least do what uncle Dave does and take yours out too.
• It’s not what it looks like.  I’m not doing this because I’m some sort of sexual deviant, someone emailed me pictures of Hermoine being spit roasted by Harry and Ron and the mood just took me.
• My penis was choking and I was trying to perform the heimlich manoeuvre.  Actually we could lose it, you need to perform some CPR.
• Calm down Ma, you’re only upset because I woke you up this time
• No, I always look at the Google homepage with my hand in my pants
• Oh, hey sis!  You’re probably wondering where your dildo is…..
• Oh right, so you can breast feed in a restaurant because “it’s completely natural”?  Masturbation is natural too!  So what if it’s the kid’s section in McDonald’s?  Fucking grey areas.
• It’s not what it looks like.  I was eating a peanut butter sandwich when an earwig went up my trouser leg.  I jumped up, pulled my trousers down and dropped my sandwich, which landed on my crotch as I had also accidentally pulled down my boxers.  The dog, being a very intuitive being, knew that I was stressed wanted to calm me down and that’s when he started licking my balls – killing two birds with one stone.  So it may have looked like I was pulling myself off while the dog lapped at my nuts, but really I was just keeping out of the way, because he tends to nip.  He doesn’t mean to of course, but he gets a little over enthusiastic.  He loves peanut butter after all.
• Smell my fingers
• No, I’m not looking at pictures of little boys, don’t be sick.  They’re girls.  Although with their hair slicked back like that I can see how at a glance a misunderstanding could arise.
• Thank fuck my hand is getting really tired, here grab this for me

And, not forgetting our lady readers, here’s a list of things for you to say if you’re caught giving yourself a wrinkly finger….

• Oh my god, how long where you watching me?  I’m so embarrassed.  But I’m just so horny waiting for my bi-sexual red headed girl friend to come home from her job at the lesbian factory that I couldn’t wait.  Perhaps I could pleasure you orally until she returns, upon which time we’d love to make a durty sex sandwich out of you.

Glad we could help

Men don’t know anything about horoscopes.  If we did we’d be worried about how the sun aligned with the 3 moon of Jupiter last Monday and made it rain and got our washing what we just put out on the line all wet.

Still real men don’t care for such things, and we don’t care about wearing wet underwear.  Sure it’s good enough for yer ma, wha?

The only men who care about horoscopes tend to be the men who wish they had a vagina instead of a penis and tweet about how  much they’re digging Damien Rice lately.

For the rest of us it’s a mystery why wimmin and vagina coveting men have such interest in things like this.  So in this long since attended to series, we look at the past monthly horoscopes and give you the actual meanings of the readings with our in-house bullshit translator.

Then you can see if they came true or not…..

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All Hail Burt!

We’ve teamed up with our buddys over at the uber awesome Burt’s Shirts to bring you a wicked competition.

We love Burt’s Shirts here at Boob.ie they make us LOL lots and lots.

Burt was the guy who started the whole business of funny shirts.  He was fed up with dull and ordinary clothing so he decided he should try and liven things up a little by branding a few cheeky one-liners across his chest. When he wasn’t catching squirrels in his top hat he would be in his shed attempting to print witticisms onto his favourite shirts. At the time many pretended not to appreciate Burt’s shirts but they made him laugh and that’s all that mattered.

Burt’s shirts are perfect for any occasion, dress one up with a snazzy jacket for a night out,  thrown one on to go down to the pub and they’re great just for general everyday wear. You know you’re bound to make someone laugh, and funny shirts will always get the ladies attention.

Here are a few of our faves.

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Now for the competition.

Ok so head on over to Burt’s Shirts and have a nose around their tops, then answer this……

What is the definition of a “Bonkbuster”??

The competition will run until next Boobie Tuesday, 2nd November at midnight and names will be drawn from a hat.

The first winner chosen will win a voucher to use on Burt’s Shirts worth €50 to spend however they see fit.

Two runners up will receive a tshirt of their choosing each.

Drop me the answer to [email protected].

Who’s workin for ya?

Will

Oh be sure to check out Burts on Facebook here, and follow them on Twitter here, for any news and updates.

*First prize is a voucherdiscount code worth €50 that can be redeemed in a single transaction on the sponsor’s website.  Any unused balanced remaining after checking out and finalising the sale cannot be redeemed at a later date and/or carried over to a future transaction.

Winners chosen at random.

Editor’s decision is final.

We’ve all done it, every single one of us…yeah, even you! What am I talking about you ask? Crime! That’s what…you scumbag. Don’t sit there and pretend to yourself that you’re a well-wishing, innocent, contributing member of society. Just because you haven’t slashed the tires of a wheelchair user or beat the head off blind person because he looked at you cross-eyed…doesn’t mean you haven’t committed a crime.

I’m talking petty crimes, misdemeanors, crimes you commit on an almost instinctual level. I’m talking about most of the stupid crap you get up to when you’re drunk, like redirecting traffic in the village by rearranging construction cones or seeing how much pick n’ mix you can eat out of the containers in the cinema lobby before being asked to leave.

We’re all guilty of something! And we here at Boob.ie would like to offer you something…a place of amnesty, a place without judgment, a place for you to get it all off your chest for the amusement of others. The funniest violations get published each week, so lets take a look at the latest list of offenses you’ve sent in to us this week…

*****

“I had a slice of Baileys cheese cake and drove…I’m fucking a monster!!“

- Anonymous

What you'd expect a free flat screen would look like

“I was working for a big UK company and after 9 months of having a bonus dangled in front of me, I finally got my hands on it. My telly was due for a replacement, so off to Go random electrical supplier GO! I went looking for a big fancy flat screen. Once inside I spotted the one I wanted and even though they had kept me waiting, the bonus was more than I was expecting so I could get a massive 42 inch monster of an LCD TV! The first ever telly I’d owned and bought myself. I also got a new DVD player, some HDMI cables that were all fancy at the time and the missus fancied a new kettle and toaster. After bargaining with the sales bloke, the whole lot came in at little under €1100. Off to the checkout we went. As my Laser card was being put through the machine there was a promo running with all purchases over a certain amount. If you bought a scratch card type thing for €30 you could win a prize guaranteed to be at least €60 in value. Fuck it, why not?

As the sale was already going through, I picked a card, and paid for it with cash.  Scratched it off and as would be expected I got €60 worth of money off purchase vouchers.  Fuck it, that’s why not.

Anyway, with the car loaded up we went home and hooked up our new gadgets.It was so clear and big it made me horny. A couple of days later, I was checking my bank account, as you do. The money for my purchases had indeed left my account, but it had also been refunded. In full. Call my bank to confirm – “Yes sir, they seem to have refunded the money. It is not a bank error.” Sweet. Call the store – “Yes sir, on the day you purchased your items our system created an error where all customers were accidentally charged twice. We have refunded a single payment to rectify this. Our apologies.” Call the bank – “No sir, they only took one payment and refunded it straight back.” Sweet. Call solicitor mate – “Have you got a receipt? Then technically you’ve paid for it in the eyes of the law.” Double sweet. Call bank, cancel card and order new one.

Cue call from panicked store manager explaining their mistake and requesting permission to put the sale through again. I told them to get ta fuck that I had a receipt to show I’d paid in full. I think she started to cry, but I can’t remember. I was far too giddy with my new TV and at getting to spend my bonus all over again.”

- Maxi

Laugh now, but they did the same in 1939 and said it would never happen.  Next thing we knew, Poland had been rezoned as Germany 4.  Then they came in snatching up the jews like there was no tomorrow.

Let it not happen again.

With our handy tips for surviving the next Nazi invasion you’ll be safe.

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*For the seven people left alive who have yet to see any of the films mentioned below, there’s a load of spoilers*

There are tons of actors, singers, band, whatever that are completely overrated.  So hyped up by the media, critics and their peers by way of awards and appreciation.

Of course most of them are great at what they do, or at least they were once or twice and that’s why they get awards, and more movie work.

There’s no actor who has ever been awarded for every piece of work they do, because no one is that good.

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I’m not the usual Press Start writer, as you all know.  I tend to stay in the Modern Warfare corner, venturing out every now and again to try something different, find it’s nothing like Modern Warfare, bitch about it and head back to Xbox Live to play some more Modern Warfare.

And it was during one of these bouts of MW2 solitude that I heard one of my online buds talking about how “some bastard had turtles on”.

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