Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Heading out this weekend??

Wanna get in someone’s pants, make sure you’re pants are the bizz!

I’ve found a few pairs that’ll score you some brownie points with the ladies.

If nautical nonsense be something you wish - €16 from Next

Like, Scooob! - €16 from Next

Unleash the metrosexualness - €24 from Next

Dude, retro trunks - €29 Urban Outfitters

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€15.50 from Ann Summers

€15.50 from Ann Summers

You know what they say, humour is the best way into her undies.

At least this way you can make her laugh before you take yours off.

You can thank me later.

Will.

We’re a quare bunch of people, the Irish.  Even though we complain about how fecking cold it is all the time, we’ll still wear t shirts.

I would say I don’t understand it, but I’m one of the worst offenders, so I figured I’d give some suggestions of where to buy your next t shirt.  Some are fashionable, some are funny and there’s even one that costs more than I spend on food in a month.  But hey, I’m trying to reach a wide audience here.

If you wanna unleash your inner rocker, Next have these awesome t-shirts.

€34

€24

€27

€24

We also stumbled upon this uber cool Transformers number.

€209

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If you wanna go all out and treat yourself, Next have started to stock a range of Ed Hardy t-shirts and apparel, we like this one here at boob.ie, I think the lads like the hot chicks on it, I personally dig the crystal stud detailing. You gotta love a bitta bling.

In my search for some of the best t-shirts out there, I came across this site. Hairy Baby Clothing Company, self confessed t-shirt addicts. They were getting tired of seeing t-shirts with American and International themes on them and wondered why there were no cool Irish themed t-shirts for sale anywhere. That’s when Hairy Baby was born. There’s t-shirts are made from the finest organic cotton and they deal with their customers directly so as not to lose that personal touch. They’ve added hoodies and accessories to there collection and you can find some gifts for your women and any little people in your life.

I had such a laugh looking at all their tshirts, and I’ve picked some of my personal favourites.

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All their t-shirts cost about €30 and are available online, and each shirt comes in an array of colours. Score.

Jamrags.com , here’s where you know you’ll find some pretty mad t-shirts.

Jamrags.com is a new website, where they guarantee you’ll find something you like, and probably something you dislike. They call themselves  an offensive t-shirt company, and specialise in creating offensive t-shirts…cotton for cunts. And if you’re a cunt, then they’ll jam one of their rags in your letter box in exchange for precious metals.

Their words…not mine.

They may think they’re “offensive”, we think they’re frickin funny!

All their t-shirts are about €15 euro and are available online, and they send you a lovely free tampon with every order. A nice pressie for the missus eh?

Team one of your new t-shirts with some trendy jeans and a stylish jacket, and you’ll be all set for a night on the town.

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More fashion and grooming tips next week right here in the Boobiedome.

Will.

Men love watches.  I know this because I’m a man.  Mostly.  We’d all love to go into Weirs on Grafton street and go giddier than an Asian teenager on the Hello Kitty homepage at the Rolex bulletproof stand.  But alas, considering that your bank can’t afford to give you an over draft for bus fare, the chances of them financing your wrist candy fetish are fairly fucking slim.

Here’s some watched I’ve found that take my fancy that you might like the look of.  And even if the prices are still a little steep, you can always hint to the missus that you want one for your next birthday, or Tuesday.  Whichever comes first.

Behold:

This Diesel bad boy looks fairly trendy, and that’s all we want in a watch.  If we wanted it to just tell the time, they wouldn’t design it to look trendy.  This makes us want it like a woman wants shoes.

Shoes that we’ll swear we’ll wear always.  Shoes that we’ll swear we won’t have any trouble walking in.  Shoes that we’ll convince the other half that they’ll go with everything.  Maybe not.

But we won’t wear it just once and then fuck it to the back of the wardrobe because it gave us a blister.

Gents Diesel stainless steel quartz black strap watch with black dial with batons. This watch is 50 metres water resistant and comes with a manufacturers 2 year guarantee.

This nice little Diesel piece (DZ1287) will set you back about €80.  Want one.

This is a Police watch.  Not the band with that tree hugging tantric sex having hippy named after a bee’s hoop.

Not the bunch of law enforcers that some rappers would have us fornicate with either.

Police do seriously good watches.  I’ve got two.

And I want this one.  Look at all those dials and tings.  Don’t know what they do or if they even work, but they look so manly.

Gents Police black stainless steel quartz black strap watch with gold coloured dial with day, date, hour and seconds sub-dials. This watch is 100 metres water resistant and comes with a manufacturers 2 year guarantee.

This mantastic Police watch (11425JSB22) will cost you a little over €100.  Dear Santy Clause….

Of course if you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard to be trendy and want a watch that looks good whether you’re just off out for a pint, or in the office, or signing on, then you could do a lot worse than this Seiko.

Classic layout with 12 and 24 hour display and a date dial, and a second hand and a little windy knob.  Is there anything this watch can’t do?

Don’t know.  But it probably can tell the time pretty well otherwise there’ll be a lot of red faces down at the Seiko gaff.

Gents Seiko stainless steel quartz bracelet watch with black dial with numbers, date and fold over clasp with safety. This watch is 50 metres water resistant and comes with a manufacturers 2 year guarantee.

Practical and snazzy, this Seiko watch (SGD449P1) will set you back around €90.

You should be able to find these and more at the usual places, or you could go to this site and enter the codes.  Turns out they’re cheaper than the shops.  Score.

We’re not being preachy here, we’ve all made mistakes in the past.  Like the time we dressed as Casper with a traffic cone on his head from the night before to that fund raiser for racial awareness.  But that was a once off.  We’re talking about seemingly intelligent men wearing things that they really shouldn’t.

So this piece comes with love.  The kind of love that a man can have with another man.  One that involves no emotion because men don’t have feelings.  Ahem, boobs.

Maybe the offender is you, and you just don’t want to admit to it.  But we all know who you are.

Are you the kind of man who wears brown shoes with a black suit, or a blue suit or any suit?  Are you?  With the knot in your tie bigger than your neck.  With your hair moused to within an inch of its life.  Novelty cufflinks in the shape of a dollar sign.  More of last season’s Hugo Boss fragrance than is tastefully acceptable.

The shades just make it worse. No wait, that man purse makes it worse

You talk loud because it drowns out the noise of your small penis.

Everything about you is awful and you’re the reason women hate us.  You’ve got more grooming methods and tips than a retired pedo and you haven’t had consensual sex since you lost your virginity to your half sister.

All of this may have gone un noticed if you hadn’t worn those poxy brown shoes with your poxy black suit.  Poxbottle.

Are you the kind of man who wears one of those trendy cardigan things, are you?  Cardigans are for your grandad, and your granny.  Are you your grandad or granny?  Of course not, not unless you live in Leitrim.  So why want to look like them?  Sure we’ll all get there one day, but why rush it?  And even if you did want to look like your grandad, we’re pretty sure he doesn’t wear skinny jeans to complete the ensemble, now does he?

You probably won’t have noticed how much of a goober you look because the women have been asking for fashion tips from you.  This is not a good thing.

Are you the kind of man who wears flip flops?  Are you?  Are you in the changing rooms at a swimming pool?  No, you’re in the supermarket.  Flip flops are for women who want to tease us with their painted toes.  Not for men who think it’s ok to flaunt about with their great big gross man feet.  You make us sick a little bit in our mouths.

You probably think that it’s perfectly acceptable to wear flip flops as a man but that’s only because you’re wrong.

And don’t think we’re turning on our own here.  Yes men have committed crimes against other men, but women are no angels.

Women who wear leggings.  Why?  You’re not in the gym.  Which confuses us, because when you are in the gym you wear those baggy pants that hide everything.

Women who wear UGG boots.  Are you skiing?  Get ta fuck.

Women who wear fake tan, we’ve been through this before.

I've said enough

Women who wear jeans that are far too small for them.  You look like a sock full of porridge.

What other fashion no no’s have you seen?

Boobs are fun. As men, we love to do all kinds of things with your boobies. We squeeze them, we suck them, we tickle them, we even dress them up and play with them. They provide an endless source of joy and happiness to men everywhere.

Move over kid, it's my turn.

But alas, it was not God’s intention for these delightful female organs to be used as ‘fun cushions’  – that was kind of a bonus really. No, the original intent for the woman’s boob was, of course, to feed her offspring. In Ireland, the Catholic Church took a different view of this  totally natural act, condemning the women who dared to reveal themselves in public for the sake of their hungry child. I won’t go into the (obvious) argument about double standards here. As a result of the Church’s stance, the number of Irish women who breastfed their children has been shockingly low until recent times. Even still, Ireland is well behind many other EU countries when it comes to breastfeeding our young.

Case studies have shown there are many positive effects associated with breastfeeding, including:

• Helps protect babies from infections & illnesses
• Lowers incidences of allegies in babies
• Enhances development & intelligence
• Lowers the risk of breast cancer in mothers

Right on, little man!

There are even a few side effects which are of benefit to us guys:

• Your wife/partner will have bigger boobs
• Your wife/partner gets her pre-baby figure back quicker
• You can sneak a quick look several times a day

With all these benefits and as lovers of all things booblical, we are doing our bit to promote breastfeeding in Ireland through the launch of our new babywear range, some examples of which can be seen below:

The full range of Boob.ie baby clothing will be available to order soon, along with our hilarious t-shirts for breastfeeding mothers. Watch this space, folks.

Ah, the man bag.  We all have one.  The back pack, sports or gym bag.  The briefcase, the laptop bag or the over the shoulder single pouch man bag.

Let’s face it, no matter what shape or form your man bag comes in, it’s still a man bag.

Our fathers even had man bags, they were called “satchels” or something and they were used to carry their schoolbooks and penny apples to school.  I had a man bag once, actually I’ve had a few over the years.  From the single strap back pack to the full on designer Hugo Boss hand stitched leather multi compartmented man bag.  It was a Christmas present that just happened to come at the same time that I got my first car.  Now it sits in my boot, because my car is my man bag.

My Hugo Boss man bag, ain't it pretty?

I actually love my Hugo Boss man bag.  It has a little pouch for my iPod, that actually houses a now out of date Kit Kat Chunky.  It has a zipped pocket just big enough for a portable flash drive, which is actually where I have a handful of parking receipts I forgot to claim back from a job once.  It has enough room to hold a laptop and charger, a Ross O’Carroll Kelly book, a VIP pass to a Leeson Street downstairs wine bar and a mankini.  At least that’s what the designers must have had in mind when they reckoned that someone would pay hundreds for a giant wallet.

It must be, because apart from the Kit Kat and the parking receipts all I have in my man bag is an old copy of FHM, Empire film mag, a wooly hat, and two odd gloves.  What does a man need to carry around with him that he can’t fit in his wallet?  Nothing.

If it can’t fit in your wallet, that’s what the baby jesus gave us pockets for.

And yet, we’ve all at some time fallen victim to the conspiracy that is the man bag phenomenomeonomonenm.

Why is it a conspiracy?

Because women have women bags, more commonly known as handbags.  Even though some of these “hand” bags are big enough to traffic humans in, they’re still considered to be a handy way of carrying around the things that a woman of today needs.

And what would that list of essential items look like?  Take a look inside your woman’s bag right now and have a gander.  Or take a random woman’s bag off her on the bus/train/LUAS without her blowing her rape whistle and you’ll see some or all of the following:

• Lipsticks – 7 assorted colours.  None of which she is currently wearing.
• Cherry flavoured lip balm, just in case she ever does kiss a girl, she’ll want her to like it
• 3 earings that don’t match
• Hair brush/claw/scrunchy thingies
• Nail varnish
• More balled up used tissues than the under mattress of a horny teenage boy
• Someone else’s house keys
• That eye brow pencil that she tore the apartment up looking for
• Various receipts for important things like thongs on sale in La Senza, her Bagel Factory lunch, but not the €200 pair of shoes she promised to return so that she could pay her share of the rent.
• Stain removing wipes, which makes that stain on her blouse all the more suspicious
• Plasters and painkillers
• Spare knickers

Shocking, no?  I was going to mention what I found, something called a “tampon”, but wikipedia just keeps telling me to turn around and forget everything I thought I saw.

Why the spare pair of knickers?  If we carried around a spare pair of y fronts (we’re men of the world remember), the accusations would be flying around like shame at a bukkake party.

Women want us to carry around the man bag so that they can carry even larger bags around and fill them with even more stuff.  Women say that they need to be ready for every instance, fair enough.  Men do too, this is why the Swiss gave us Toblerone’s.  No, wait, I mean Swiss Army Knives.

Mmm, nougatty almondy goodness

Look at that bad boy.  There’s so many tools on that one that you could actually lead an army into victory.

If the army needed a plug rewired or a tiny magnifying glass or a small pebble removed from a horse’s hoof.

Ok, maybe not.  But if it did ever happen you wouldn’t want to be the kind of man who wasn’t ready for the situation, so it’s your manly duty to go and get one of these.

The cost?  At least 3 of your Earthly dole cheques, but that doesn’t matter.  It’s an investment in the future of what could possibly happen one day, but probably not.

It is quite big though.  It might have you sitting lop sided if you put it in your wallet and sat down.  It’d weigh you down and might catch the loose thread in your coat pocket and create a hole that it would fall through.

You know what?  When you go and buy it, go and buy something to carry it around in.  Because it’s something that you’d want on your person without needing to have it in sight all the time.

Maybe a bag of some sort.

Fuck.

[poll id="3"]

Converse shoes are awesome.

Their design is timeless and they have a universal recognition both in appearance and in cultural placement.

Whether in classic black and white, or red and white, you instantly know what they are when you see a pair of them.  What could possibly make them any more incredibly man-tastic?  Flames, bitches.  That’s what.

Love the flames

Yes, you can rub your eyes all you want, but everytime you open them you’ll still be faced with the greatest sight in footwear since the sandal and socks.

I say that because men have unsightly feet and should always have them covered up, even in sandals.  Unlike women who like to tease with a pedicure and painted toes while wearing them.

Yes, the only thing that could make a pair of sandals worn by a sexy pair of women feet at all better would be if they had flames on them.

You know why else they’re awesome to the max?  Because I have a pair of them, that’s why.  I pestered and pestered my woman for a pair of them and then one Christmas morning Santa brought them to me because my woman was going on about “being made a show of” in public.  As if.

Unlike a woman who swoons over a new pair of animal print stilettos and tries to convince you that they’ll go with everything and she’ll wear them everyday and never need another pair of shoes, these bad boys actually deliver.

You can wear them to work, presuming you’re one of the 7 people left with a job.  You can wear it to the dole office, if you want to get your dole cut for making everyone else insanly jealous.  You could wear them to a wedding, tux and all.  You’ll get more bridesmaid boobies than you can shake a shitty stick at.  You could wear them to a funeral and get lots of hot widow tail.

As the priest says:

“Old Jasper would have loved to have been here to witness for himself that magnificent pair of shoes.  Interesting fact, Judas betrayed Jesus because he wanted Jesus’s pair of flame Converse.  Bless you my child.”

Is it possible? They're even more awesome than the first ones

The only thing that could make them better?

How about all black with flames on them?  I know, but try and control your erections for just a minute.

You could be a ninja in shoes like that.  A sweet ass fanny wetting ninja at that.  Samurai or Kill Bills would never come anywhere near you in these shoes.  In fact when battling with some Shaolin Monks who are trying to kung fu your face off, you can just smack them with these ball stompers.  They’d be too busy meditating and trying to get their sandals to combust, so you’d defo get away with it.

Men, you have a duty to fashion.  You don’t want to be worrying about what ever Ronan Keating was pictured wearing in VIP magazine.  You want them to be worrying about what they’ll do when you show up to rock their world in a pair of these.

I’ve been thinking about what could make these any more kick ass, and I don’t think I could do much.  We could put some go faster stripes on them, or a couple of spoilers, but that would be a bit wanky.  Awesome, but wanky.

I have a pair of these and everytime I wear them, other men come up to me in the street and offer me their daughters.  They just want to have these shoes in their house and don’t care that I’ll be doing stuff to their daughters while wearing them.  Because that’s another appropriate time to wear them, during sex.  Sometimes the women will just want to dry hump your foot, but that’s easily dealt with.  Just let them wear them for a minute and they’ll be so slippery that they won’t even mind the discomfort from your massive four incher.  They might even experience the urban myth that is the female orgasm.

Get yourself a pair of these if you can, although you may have to start with a basic pair and work your way up to the maximum level of greatness.

Converse Ireland – Starting at around €50