Two boobs good, four boobs better

How much of a cool name would that be for a new game?

I reckon it’d be about one of the following:

• Death’s pinky ring that he uses to fuck people up
• A giant red ring with an uzi and a bad attitude
• Your sphincter after a few too many scoops and a questionable taco cheese chips

Alas, it’s not a game I’m reviewing, but the new Xbox 360 slim.

Having returned home from Thorpe Park with Paddy and our respective better halves (More about that soon), I sat down to have a nice relaxing game of Modern Warfare 2.  Knowing full well I’d have my ass handed to me yet again, I’ve become quite accustomed to being more than somewhat average at a game I’ve been playing for well over a year now.

I pushed the button on the wireless controller to start up the Xbox.  Actually on a side note, since I bought my Xbox second hand and without an instruction manual I never knew that you could start and shut down the console with the wireless controller.  This was the happiest day of my life up to that point as it meant I could be a complete and utter lazy fat bastard and never leave the couch.  Finally a proper excuse for my nappy.

With the button pressed, I stuck on my headset, which is only used to recieve such gems as

• Fuck me, you’re shit
• Shoot him, SHOOT HIM!  FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK!  Go home.

and the ever simple but completely effective

• cunt

All given with venom that only a fat 11 year old American kid can muster.

Changing the channel to the correct one, I’m met with a black screen.

Looking at the Xbox, I’m met with three flashing red lights where only one green one should be.

This my friends, for those of you like me who didn’t know, is Xbox cancer.

My first reaction was to do what all tech support people tell you to do.  I switched off and back on again.

Nothing but red.

I Googled the problem and was told that it could be a power problem.

I followed instructions to plug everything out and plug it back in again.

Nothing but red.

The other possibility?

My Xbox had died.  A hardware problem apparently.  One that could be fixed by sending it to Microsoft, or taking it apart and having at it myself.

Well first off, I wasn’t covered by any kind of guarantee and secondly I haven’t the patience to try digging around inside something I didn’t understand.  I get enough of that when I go to bed with the missus.

So what to do?

Panic – check

Feel sad that I’d not get to play MW2 badly again – check

Wonder what I’d do with my life from that point on – check

Put a plan together – check

I knew that there was a new Xbox on offer, in fact there were two.  One a 4GB one and a 250GB one.  Both boast super quite operation, built in hard drive, built in WiFi, Kinnect Ready and with a free headset and wireless controller.

But in these tough economic times ( I know, all who use those words are cunts) how is one to afford a new Xbox?  Simple.  With a trip to somewhere like Gamestop one can easily do such a thing.

So I took all the accessories I had accumulated over the last year in the form of wireless controllers, WiFi receiver, headset, games, and countless DVD’s that I just stare at while complaining that there’s nothing on the TV.  So armed with my Tesco bags full of swag, I made my way to Gamestop.

Turns out I was sitting on nearly €160 worth of crap that they were willing to take off of me for store credit, so I sprung the extra €100 for a new 250GB Xbox Slim.

What can I say?

It’s a snazzy bit of kit but when I heard about it a while ago I thought, and typed something along these lines…

“Who’s going to waste their money on a new machine with all that stuff when we’ve already gotten every thing sold separately?”

Well lads, the answer is which ever poor fucker hasn’t got a warranty on his dead Xbox.  I have to admit, it’s a pretty machine, but that’s not what we go for in a console.  At least not for long anyway.

Sure when you take it out of the box and it’s shinier than the shiny demon Tenacious D sang about.  And when you think you have to push an eject button to get your MW2 disc in, all you actually have to do is swipe your finger over a sensor type dealy you feel like you’re on the Enterprise.

It is also as quiet as they say, not the foundation rumbling hoor of a thing that the old white boxes are, and  mine was.

With the hard drive built in, there isn’t even an option to clip on a secondary one to the top of the housing.  But there are USB connections to connect other types of hard drive and other pieces of kit.

The WiFi receiver is also built in and is a much better receiver than even the latest wireless one sold for older models.

The lads from Boob.ie went along and tested the Kinnect thingy that’s about to assault every Christmas list, so this new machine is compatible with that.  Having not tested it yet myself though I don’t know if I’ll be rushing out to buy it.  And here’s why.

They could have included a built in wireless receiver ages ago.  Same with a built in Hard drive, the swishy finger eject button thing, the quiet operation of it all.  But they didn’t.

They could have included the High Definition cables needed if you have an LCD or Plasma TV to hook it up to, but they didn’t.  They still don’t by the way, so if you do trade in everything you have for a new one, hang on to your Hi-def connections.

It’s not going to be long before the entire Kinnect kit comes with all new Xbox’s as standard.  And by the time that happens, it’ll be time to replace the old bird again so it’ll be ok.

Until then though, all this machine has done, aside from give me back the ability to get humiliated by every one else online, is make me realise that I’ve been financially raped by Microsoft.  We all have, from various Windows systems that promise to be better than the last.  (Although I have to reluctantly admit that Windows 7 has yet to give me problems) And such a dizzying range of video games systems for “every type of gamer”.

Get ta fuck.

There’s one type of gamer.  A gamer.

Give us all the same system with the same big giant hard drive and if we use it we use it.  If we don’t we don’t.

All in all, if you really love your new Xboxes and gadgets you’ll probably run out and grab one.  But if you’re thinking it’s going to change your life, then don’t.  Because it won’t.

It’s just a shiny new Xbox with a connecting port for something that you won’t use because you know someone with a Wii.

If however you have an Xbox that has just died of red ringed nastiness then you could do worse than just trading up like I did and de-junk your living room at the same time.

(Incidentally TheDunne’s Xbox died at the very same time mine did.  I don’t know why you’d find that interesting, but we did)

And here’s a tip for all the Microsoft Product Development big wigs that I know are reading.  Whatever the next generation of Xbox is, you better have all the bells and whistles on it upon release instead of drip feeding us the shit over a few years.

If not, you’ll be on the business end of my very own brand of flashing red ring courtesy of my chilli coated dildo on a broom handle.

Soothing sour cream rub will be sold later as an add on.

New Xbox slim’s will set you back

• €200 for a 4GB (Why?)
• €250 for a 250GB

Depending on where you get them you’ll get a game or two thrown in for good measure too.

Giggidy giggidy goo...

Firstly let me begin by saying that not all articles I write will be about Apple or the iPhone, it just so happened that as I was looking for techy news Apple decided to announce the Irish release date for their hotly anticipated iPhone 4. See? Just a coincidence…honest. Now, anymore snooping from you and I’ll be forced to take ‘measures.’

Apple’s newest version of their ‘gadget of the century’ will arrive on our shores on (drum roll please) the 30th of July. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

As current iPhone owners will realise, acquiring an iPhone in the past involved either submitting to o2′s ridiculous contract options, or getting one off a fella who swears ‘it fell off the back of a lorry.’

The times they are a changing, however, as o2 have had their exclusivity as dealers of the iPhone revoked and without a moment to spare Vodafone and Three have jumped in, whipped out their cocks and are now trying to prove that ‘theirs’ is ‘just as big as o2′s.’They are still playing it safe too though and none of the aforementioned companies have announced a price. If we look at the patterns over the last few years then it’s safe to say that the cheapest priced iPhone will be accompanied by the most expensive contract and vice versa. Currently with o2 the cheapest monthly contract of €40 will let you have the phone for about €200, and it is even possible to get the phone for free if you can afford €100 monthly bills. If you want to buy the phone on prepay, then get ready to fork out somewhere around €600/700, not exactly what you would call an appealing price tag.

Apparently Apple will also be selling the phone sim-free and unlocked from their own online store, but again be ready to pay out an extortionate amount of money. They will, however, be providing free phone covers for ALL customers due to the amount of bad press this whole antennae debacle has brought them. The covers will allegedly cut down the amount of dropped calls caused by this issue.

As more details arrive in I’ll be posting updates so keep your eye out for more information. In the meantime, if you want to pre-book an iPhone 4 with Vodafone or Three you can do so here and here respectively. Just don’t keep going on to your mates about how you’re going to be one of the first people in the country with the new iPhone, no amount of apps will stop them beating the living bejaysus out of you for it.

Oh, and I almost forgot, just in case you haven’t heard about any of the new features on Apple’s latest smartphone it has:

• Rear and forward facing cameras (rear facing camera also has flash)
• FaceTime video calling (though this will be about as popular as video calling has ever been, as in not at all).
• 32 or 64GB models available.
• Highest resolution screen of any phone…ever. Fact.
• HD Video recording so those videos of you and your drunk friends will no longer be blurry beyond recognition.

So there you have it folks, whether you’re a tech-head who has all the latest gear, or a stubborn bogger still using a Nokia 3210, I predict a lot of people being converted to the iPhone with this release.

As usual any questions or comments can be put in the box below.

Howdy folks, I’m new here and I’ll be going by the name Hardwired.  I’ll try to bring you updates, news, reviews and other stuff around anything that operates from a socket or batteries.  Well, apart from the stuff that Vibratora recommends that is!

Here’s just a quick piece to start me off…

Unless you’ve been living under a Mary Harney sized rock for the past while, you have undoubtedly heard about Apple’s forthcoming brand new iPhone 4 (complete with a recession inspired money saving system that cuts off your calls at random intervals, or at least thats probably how Steve Jobs will justify it). To accompany this new hardware release, Apple have also developed a brand new operating system for their mobile devices, titled iOS4 to comply with Apple’s general running theme of marketing to iHipsters and iDiots.

Not actual iPhone 4g. Don't be silly

The iPhone 4 has a mouth wateringly large amount of sexy new features (HD screen, multi-tasking etc) but the release of iOS4 has given current iPhone owners the chance to experience some of the new bits and bobs before the release of the new hardware model. Obviously, some of the features are limited, and the amount that are depends on whether you have – the 3G or the 3GS.

For example, the 3G won’t run multi-tasking, due to RAM limitations, however it also appears the 3G can’t handle the immense power required to put a wallpaper on the homescreen. This may seem like a minor flaw, but believe me, when your 3GS owning friend shows you his newly designed homescreen ornamented with a background picture of Megan Fox covered by a piece of fabric that is actually smaller than the phone itself, it grates a little.

I’m sure you’ve probably guessed by now that I’ve been using iOS4 on a 3G, and you’d be right (give yourself a pat on the back, cause no one else gives a shit about your self esteem), but I’ve also tried it on a 3GS and I’ve got to admit, it works pretty damn well.

The multi-tasking is slick and effortless, accessed by double pressing the home button to view a pop up toolbar type menu at the bottom of the screen, and the addition of a screen orientation lock is a sign that Apple are finally beginning to see the use for some non-flashy basic features for once. Folders are another great addition that really shouldn’t have taken this long to make it to the OS, simply drag one app on top of another and it will create a folder, automatically named based on the category of the apps, incredibly simple yet very clever.

But to be honest, I’ve had enough of kissing Steve Jobs’ arse for one article, and the overall experience I have had using the new OS on the 3G has been glitchier than an autistic Aphex Twin who forgot to take his medication. My “phone” refuses to send texts, maintain calls, and just operate really, turning my iPhone into just an “i”. Now I’m not a naive person, I have no doubt that Apple were aware their shiny new OS wouldn’t be smooth on the 3G, and that this in turn would make people want to upgrade to the iPhone 4, this is pretty typical of a company whose evilness is matched only by a puppy slaughtering festival in Nuremburg.

For all my complaining about the OS “bricking” my phone and effectively turning it into an expensive paperweight, I should mention that the update is free so at least it didn’t cost me any money for Apple to ruin my life. It’s kinda like getting a prostitute for free only to find out she has HIV, I mean sure it’s free, but it’s just…dodgy.

Well, that’s my Boob.ie cherry popped!

If you’ve any questions or comments, drop them below and I’ll get back to you!

Sorry if this goes on for a bit, but if you’re looking around for a new phone and want to save a few sheckles, this might help.  Coming from personal experience and some snooping around, here’s some tips for buying a new/second hand phone.

Last week I did a bit about how the iPhone is the subject of more fakes than a laugh tournament on the LUAS green line through Sandyford.

You make me cheap phones long time. Wait, that's racist.

The thing is though, it’s not just the iPhone that is subject to rip offs.  Any popular model and make of phone can be replicated, and they are.  It’s not even big companies who do this, well not massively big.  In fact, with nothing more than a small loan from the credit union and an email to a factory owner in China, you could be on your way to making your own electronic rip offs.

With more and more people cancelling their contracts with the major providers and opting for the pay as you go options, the sale of sim free phones is more popular than ever.  Sure you can buy a second hand phone and get it unlocked, but there are drawbacks.  First off, you’re taking the chance of buying something with no guarantee, which if you have luck like me will bite you in the sack quicker than granny’s terrier.  Plus, if you buy a second hand phone and need to get it unlocked you’ll have a few options.

You can go online and pay for an unlock code.

There are more stories than I can link to of people handing over credit card details for unlock codes and getting a code that doesn’t work, if anything at all.  A few of these have also been the victim of further credit card scams.  So it’s just not worth it.

You can go to a phone shop and get it unlocked.

You know the kind of shop.  They sell every phone under the sun, accessories for them and of course the unlocking services are where they make their bread and butter.  The thing is, there are one or two of these places that can take advantage of a situation if they think it’s worth it to them.  There are a couple of forums I’ve come across where a phone shop owner in Dublin was accused of scamming people.  He then goes on to accuse other shops of doing worse, but never denies any scamming himself.  One forum is (forum.gsmhosting.com) and you need to sign up to be a member and see the thread.  I’ve signed up three days ago and still waiting for my login details.  There are more places to see the scams, but I’ll give you a run down of the biggest ones and the ones to watch out for.

Phone swap

The phone swap isn’t too common in Ireland, but it does go on.  Basically you hand your phone in, you’re told to come back in half an hour as they’re “very busy”.  While you’re gone they take your phone and check that everything is working as it should be and they’ll unlock it.  They’ll also swap it for one of the fakes they have lying around and hand that back to you when you come back, with your genuine in their window for sale, or on ebay.  And because most of these places deal in cash only and rarely give receipts, you’ve fuck all come back by the time you realise it.  Well of course you have some comeback, but you’ll not have much joy.

I’m not bad mouthing all phone unlocking joints, but these are some of the possible scams popping up.

Data theft

There’s zero chance of this happening if you’re just getting a phone unlocked, as you won’t have been able to use it.  But if you bring your phone to be repaired, make sure there’s nothing on it.  Nothing.  First off, make sure your contacts are saved to sim, and not to phone memory.  Most people wouldn’t care as long as the number is there somewhere.  But how many of you have some kind of important details saved as a random name in your phone book?  A friend of mine had her ATM pin saved as Henry, because she still had her Ulster Bank Henry Hippo account number.  Aside from that, if you have a smart phone and browse online, or download your emails, some info will be kept on your phone.  And inbetween your inane tweeting and Facebooking, you’ve obviously checked your bank balance online while out to see how much more drinking time you’ve left.

All of these details can be sponged off your phone.  And if it’s one of the places that accepts plastic for payment, they’ll get giddy if you hand over your card to pay for the repairs.

I’m not saying you should stay away from these shops, there are more people trying to make an honest living than the fuckers trying to scam you.  And unfortunately in these tough times, the scammers will always make more money than the honest ones, as they’ll usually be much cheaper.

Whenever a new piece of technology hits the market that sells more units than crack you can be sure that some company somewhere will rip that technology off and release it for their own.  Apple’s last ten years or so have seen more replicas and rip offs than a pound shop’s sweetie bin.

Of course the world is still wrapped up in iFever©®™ (Back off Jobs) and the rip offs of the iPhone are aplenty.

Here’s a couple:

The Meizu M8

Meizu M8 can be called the most famous iPhone clone – it made a huge buzz in the Internet and even today it draws much attention. It almost completely copies the Apple design and features – this helped Meizu to gain popularity using the world’s craziness about the iPhone and its launch. Meizu company was frequently banned from participating in many official events, all because of this similarity between Apple and Meizu gadgets. Many Chinese fakes have design that is copied from iPhone, however very few of them can stand even close to the original in terms of hardware. Meizu M8 is a very interesting and unusual replica, which comes very close to the iPhone and even, in some cases, overcomes it. Meizu M8 supports one of the main features of original iPhone – Multi Touch, so this technology is not exclusive to Apple anymore. Inside it carries 667 MHz ARM CPU, 256 MB of internal and 8 / 16 GB of flash memory, has 3.4 inched LCD with 720 x 480 pixel resolution, 3.2 megapixel camera with autofocus – all of these specs make Apple device look less powerful than its Chinese opponent. It operates on Meizu OS, which is based on a Windows CE 6.0. Wireless interfaces are also full-scale supported: device has Bluetooth 2.0 and Wi-Fi. Last but not least, Meizu M8 has light and motion sensor that can detect the phone’s position and the amount of light that surrounds it – for backlight adjustments or other purposes.

So anyway, a rip off should be cheaper.  Shouldn’t it?

It is, but not by much.  Sure you can get a free iPhone if you sign up with the right provider and get a not too cheap plan.  But buy and unlocked iPhone for use with your own number and you’ll wonder if you couldn’t sort the recession out with the same amount.  You can buy cheaper ones on line and in the classifieds, but they’re still a little steep for our liking.

Blame supply and demand for that.  The Meizu M8 however isn’t as cheap as a rip off should be.  Their website has no listed prices, but a bit of snooping and we found one on eBay for about €350.  For that amount of money you might as well spring and get the original.  Especially since the millions of available of apps for the original probably won’t work on this.

Still though, nice to have an alternative next time someone waves their wank stained iPhone in your face declaring that “it just works”.

The HiPhone

Not every Chinese manufacturer is inventive enough to make an interesting copy, like Meizu. Majority of them are simple and cheap touchscreen cell phones, which was made to look like an iPhone. This one belongs to second group. While all icons and graphics are made to be like on the iPhone, appearance is the only thing that is in common between these devices. Copy use QVGA touchscreen with no multi-touch at all, has microSD card support and stereo speakers. It even has Java support, which is a rare thing in the Chinese rip-offs. The only thing that is interesting enough to have is multiple SIM card support, so you can have 2 SIM cards simultaneously working. 1.3 megapixel camera can shoot photos and record video in MP4 format, quality is poor as expected. Wireless abilities are very poor, list of supported functions include only GPRS and Bluetooth, nothing about Wi-Fi or 3G. 1200 mAh battery is replaceable, spare one is included. Conclusions – another piece of garbage, which was meant to confuse customers and to play on the popularity of Apple’s device. Avoid it at all costs.

We couldn’t find one of these online to buy, well not second hand anyway.  Which is the best testament to how crap this thing is.  You can buy them new, but don’t bother.

So I suppose that we should stick with the original if that’s the phone we want.  I might be able to get one when I get out of my current shitty contract, or when I can sue Apple in the future for releasing a new product they’ll fool us into thinking we need called the iFever©®™.  That’s gonna make me so fucking rich, I’ll set up a company and rip off the iFever©®™.  Or their legal team will have me disappeared.

Next week, we’ll have a review of buying phones outside of the main retailers and online.  It’ll be worth a look and might even save a few tears, and even more money.

Stay tuned.

I should have waited.

When I went to Vodafone saying I wanted to end my contract because they hadn’t gotten their finger out and given their customers the iPhone, they promised the sun, moon and stars.

They increased the minutes and texts in my package, with a data package and invited me to view their line of “smart” phones in store.  So I did.

I browsed and annoyed the staff until the girl in the shop showed me the phone she was personally using at the time – the Samsung M1 Vodafone Smart Handset.

“It’s got email, internet browser, all the bells and whistles of an iPhone.  Sure I use it myself and it’s brilliant.”

So I took it.  The fact that I was getting it free on their cheapest package and it had a retail price of over €500 at the time, I should have been warned and listened to my better judgement.

I’m one of those people who just calls and texts from his phone.  With the new data package they’d given me I would have been using it for emails and occassional browsing.  I don’t social network on the phone and even with their snazzy new 360 service replacing their Vodafone Live! I wouldn’t be using it much.  Still, I’d like all of the functions on my phone to work.

Long story short, here are the problems with the phone

• It’s incredibly slow, even straight out of the box.  Taking up to three minutes to get going when you turn it on.
• The apps (available through the 360 store) are nothing to shout about.  The Facebook app is just about adequate and the Twitter app lets you sign in, but no matter how you try you can’t tweet with it.
• Once you’ve gone through the painful process of setting up email accounts, it’ll retrieve every single email you’ve ever sent, received or deleted.  No doubt your free data package per month will be a thing of the past once it’s done this.
• You can’t set up privately hosted emails.  I’ve an old, really old Sony phone I can do that on.  Surely a smart phone should do it in it’s sleep.
• You can transfer info and file from your PC to the phone but not the other way around.  The reason for this is beyond me.
• The screen locks up when you’re connected to a call and no matter how many times you run your finger over the glider to un lock it, nothing.  This makes calling automated services even more frustrating than they already are.

I recently went through the hassle of directing all my email accounts to my Gmail account just so that I could get them on the phone.  When emails from the last 12 months came flooding in, I put a stop to it.  I then logged out of 360 and deleted the account from the phone.  Then I went through the difficult process of deleting the emails from all of the hidden folders in the phone.

Yet I still have an indicator on the screen telling me I have new emails.  All folders empty but the phone is still thinking I’m ignoring my mails.

Back to the shop today and the girl who persuaded me to get the phone in the first place was playing with her new shiny Vodafone iPhone.

She couldn’t tell me what to do with the annoying stubborn icon and notifications.

“Might have to send it away”

Send it away for a screen icon?  Not so much the smart phone you told me it was.

Sure I can do a factory reset, but doing that wipes some of the software off of it and I shouldn’t have to do that anyway.

Vodafone staff don’t know how to use these phones and it’s the only phone I’ve ever bought that doesn’t come with a manual in the box.  You can download it, but even then it doesn’t give much insight into the problems you’ll suffer with it.

At the end of the day, if you’re in the market for one of these fancy new smart type phones and haven’t already got one, go with numbers and get an iPhone.

As much as I’m against being an iPhone sheep, I’ve yet to hear a person who has one say anything massively against it.

In the meantime, I’m stuck with a sub functioning paper weight that no one knows how to use.  I actually might guess that it’s not the Samsung itself, but the over thought and badly designed Vodafone software that runs it.

Listen to your instincts.

That’s what I should have done.

It’s called the tLight.  And the company who makes it, M&C call it the most talented light.

The website goes on about reducing carbon footprints by using LED lights and wah wah wah.  What really impresses us is that it acts as a power supply for your notebook and iPhone.

No matter what make your notebook is, there’s an adapter attachment for it.  And if you’re still sceptical, here’s a list of the notebooks it supports:

IBM/LENOVO/HP/DELL
SONY/FUJISTU/SAMSUNG
ASUS/COMPAQ/AOPEN
HP/NEC/TOSHIBA
ACER/DELTA/COMPAQ
BENQ/SONY/SHARP

How’s that for a slice of fried gold?

And the chargers are more than compatible with your laptop because it has a charger with short-circuit, thermal-, over-voltage/current protection.  Whatever that means.  At a guess it won’t blow your shit up.

There’s also some USB charger connections for the main mobile phone manufacturers.

Aside from all of that, it’s also compatible with all iPods and iPhones.

So as well as all the cool kit and kaboodle, it’s a desk light too that’ll give you up to 50,000 hours of light from a single bulb.

And it looks pretty tidy too.

For those of you who are a bit fashion concious it comes in a choice of 8 colours, but we reckon you can’t go wrong with the Chrome or Nickel finish.

It’s priced on their website at $89USD, so that’ll set you back about €70, with shipping on top of that.

But for the amount of stuff it does, we reckon it’s a snip.

For more information on specs etc, check out the WEBSITE.  We’re off to order one.

Didn’t win the Euromillions last night.

But don’t worry, even if I did win I’d still hang around the best site in Ireland for men right here at the Boobiedome.  For about a minute while I gloated and then hightailed it out of here quicker than a cat with a banger up its arse.

But I’ve just bought what I’m assured is the winning ticket for tonight’s Lotto.  Sure it’s not as much as the Euromillions and I’d still be poorer than a bailed out banker, but I’d finally have enough dough to kit out my home cinema just the way I’ve always dreamed.

Failing winning the Lotto like I’m going to do later, you could always have your own cinema too.  You could maybe do a sponsored bungy jump for your sick granny who died two years ago.  You could cash in your student grant and give your landlord the finger.  You might be homeless but it’d still be more comfortable than the damp riddled germ box you pay for at the moment.

Whatever way you cut it, you have to find a way to get this stuff.  Even if it involves robbing a bank.  We’ve all seen enough movies to know how to do it and get away with it.  Anyway you’re not really stealing from the bank, they’ll just put in another requisition to the government and it’ll be replaced in a jiffy.

We’re not focusing on the actual TV, DVD and surround sound, one trip to Harvey Norman with your bulging wallet will sort that out.  We’re talking about what makes the whole thing worth bringing your mates around to make them sick entertain them.

Behold, the ultimate home cinema experience.

With this movie theatre popcorn maker you’ll no longer have to settle for the stale popcorn they shovel out of a bin liner.  Fresh, warm popcorn.  Nyom.  Plus you can have the fake butter stuff they used to put on it before somebody slipped on it and sued a cinema group.  Filthy compo seeking fake injury making up heathens.

Besides you can’t have a proper home cinema experience without popcorn.  You can even get proper sized bags that won’t have you needing liposuction after them.

Last time I asked for a large popcorn in a cinema it was served in a hollowed out section of removed Mary Hearny stomach.  The small portion was served in a whale’s scrotum.  That’s how large the large was.

Around €400 from HERE

Maybe Nachos are your bag.  Fake cheese sauce stuff and pickled jalapeños.  All served up in a flimsy plastic tray.

Crunchy enough to annoy the shite out of everyone within a 2 mile radius.

Fuck them, it’s your cinema.

Tasty warm, cheesy, spicy nachos.

Plus you can live safe in the knowledge that the cheese gloop hasn’t got spit in it from the 40 year old serving you.  He hates himself, and you.

Around €340 from HERE

Remember Slush Puppies?  No?

I’m old enough to remember Slush Puppies and they’re much better than the shitty slushy things you can get every where.

Back in the day when the question “What’s your favourite flavour?” was answered with a colour.  Because we had colours and E numbers.  No fruit extract and juice content.  Pussies.

Slushy machine from around €70 from HERE

If slushies aren’t your thing, you can chill your favourite drinks in here.  Judging from the photos you can chill a massive 14 drinks.

Whether it’s cola or some other popcorn friendly soft drink, it’ll be nicely cooled in this stylish man fridge.

You know what else is good to have with a movie?

BEER!  Chill some barley bad boys up and kick back.

Mini chiller from around €210 HERE

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Finally, the chairs.

No more will you have to sit in burgundy velvet chairs that give you deep vein thrombosis and a numb bumb.

Nor will you have to shift and move everytime that annoying fucker arrives in after the film has started.  They know the times the films start at, just as much as you do.  Yet they arrive in to make an entrance and declare to everyone that they’re proud of their tiny knob.  Nope, these are the future of home relaxation.  That’s not a PR blurb from the people who sell it, it’s all me.  These are my future.

Check out some of the specs of these lovlies:

• Single or multiple seater versions
• Motorized wall-a-way incliner
• Beverage cooler/warmer system
• Anti slip footrest
• Storage boxes
• Spring cell core
• Massage and lumbar heating system
• Scotchguarded for protection

Reclining home cinema loungers, set of three from around €3,850 HERE

This will complete your cinema experience and leave you with no friends.  Fuck them, they’re jealous.

Besides, now you can buy new friends.

We’re only going to feature one gadget in this instalment, for two reasons.  One it’s a great one, and two it’s a little extravagant.  But if you’ve been saving a little bit and think you deserve a treat, then this is right down your alley.

The Vuzix Wrap 230

These are shades that you can wear indoors without the guilty feeling that you’re looking like a massive gland like Bono.  Or some fashion concious metrosexual (Sorry Will!) who thinks that girls don’t know he’s just eyeing up their chesticles.  Actually, that’s the only reason for wearing shades anywhere as direct sunlight doesn’t affect the most manly of men.

No, these shades are actually the latest piece of entertainment technology available to the normal dude.

The Vuzix Wrap 230 connects to almost any video device for a virtual 46-inch display as seen from 10 feet. Watch your favorite 2D and 3D movies wherever you go – in style. The glasses themselves are really cool looking so you won’t feel out of place as you travel on a bus, train or even on a plane.

Well we don’t know about that, but wearing them in your living room or bedroom, or even on your throne of solitude is definitely the way of the future.

Vuzix’ Wrap 230 video eyewear connects to all NTSC or PAL audio/video devices with video-out capabilities and composite video-out connections. Optional adaptors allow you to connect to an even broader assortment of audio video devices, even desktop and laptop computers. No other eyewear offers an equal, with the styling, performance, versatility and value found in the Vuzix Wrap 230 video eyewear.
Works with any video device.
The Wrap 230 video eyewear is designed to connect to all audio/video devices with video-out capabilities.

Supported devices include:
• Apple® iPod® / iPhone® / iPod touch® media players
• Portable DVD players
• Cellular phones with video out
• All composite video devices
• Digital cameras
• Camcorders
• PC and Laptops with VGA port*
* Requires optional Wrap VGA Adapter

Features:
• Onscreen display for video display adjustment
• Adjustable brightness, contrast, hue and color saturation
• Works with 2D and common 3D video formats including side-by-side and multiple anaglyph formats
• NTSC and PAL compatible
• Six hours use with 2 AA alkaline batteries
• Compatible with NiMH rechargeable batteries
• Includes Wrap Multi-connect Port for optional adapters offering expanded input source compatibility
• Wearable over many prescription eyeglasses
• Independent +2 to -5 diopter focus adjustment
• Adjustable, hypoallergenic nosepiece • Ultra-thin cabling
• Includes Wrap Mini-port Connector for optional capability expansion accessories

Specifications:
• Equivalent to a 46-inch screen as viewed from ten feet (approximately 3 m)
• Twin high-resolution 320 x 240 LCD displays
• 60Hz progressive scan update rate
• Ultra-low video distortion • 22 degree diagonal field of view
• 24-bit true color (16 million colors)
• Weighs less than three ounces (85 grams)

So for all of that you’re surely thinking, “Get ta fuck, Maxi do you think we’re made of money? ” No, who is?  But for that kind of kit and if gadgets are your thing, then the price might not sound too bad.

The Vuzix Wrap 230 is available from The Gadget Store at €179.00.

Like I’ve already said, if you’ve been saving for something and gadgets are your thing, this is for you.  Meanwhile the rest of us will be hating you for having that kind of disposable income.

Fucker.

Being all growed up in the real world sucks donkey balls, it’s no secret.  Bills and work (or lack of), college and exams and realising that you’re balding at the age of 23 and you die a little inside with each hair that clogs up your shower drain.  Remember a simpler time when your biggest worry was where your next Wham bar was coming from?

We do, and we want to relive that simpler time just when we can.  Unfortunately we look suspect when we go to our local sweet shop and stock up on Wham bars and Black Jack sweets just when the schools are finished.  It was just coincidence, but the shop keeper was having none of it.

No matter, we can buy sweets online and as for looking at school girls, the internet has pretty much got that covered too.

But what happens when you’re hopped up on sugar and bouncing around the furniture so that you don’t fall into the imaginary lava on the floor?  You’re going to need some stuff to distract you until you crash and nap with your thumb up your ass in your mouth.

Here are some things we’ve found on line that are just up that street.  They’ll fuel some childhood memories, and if you have one all men will want one too.

De ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne, Batman! Yeah.

This retro Batman alarm clock will look the shit on your bed side table.  Now I know what some of you are thinking – “Why would we get that when we have a totally cool alarm app on the iPhone that sounds like the Joker who asks us why we’re being so serious?”

Well, some of us can remember a time before mobile phones.  Nothing brings us back to a simpler time when we were abruptly awoken from a potentially awesome wet dream about our best mate’s ma by a ringing so aggressive that it would scare the shit out of you and rob you of your morning wood in one unrivalled move.

Get this cool piece of kit from HERE.  For about €15.

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Jeeves, acquire me a wench

Tired of wanting sex and not having a way to alert the ladies?  A problem that you’ll no longer have with this genius and well thought out invention.

It’s just like a bell, but made just for ringing when you’ve got a boner.

Of course you either have to have a lady who is willing to touch your winky in the first place in order for your plan to come together.  Plus she might have to lose that chip on her shoulder about being beckoned whenever you see a Gillette lady shaver ad on the tele.

Get this guaranteed to improve your sex life tool from HERE.  For about €6.

Ah, that's the spot.

A good idea for when Jeeves is off getting your lady friend prepped for a portion is that you get that itch under control.

Sure you probably should have gone to the doctor when it started itching last week, but then you wouldn’t have a good reason to use this magnificent ball scratcher.

Plus when you’ve loved your lady for the industry standard 4 minutes she’ll be properly wooed and will invite you to meet her parents. This is usually a time when scratching your man berries is frowned upon.

Fear not.  When dessert is being served, and you feel the familiar tingle of the ball itch, break this bad boy out and go to town.  It’s elegant carry case and stainless steel finish will not only allow you to scratch shame free, but other people will want to use it too.

Get this essential utensil HERE.  From about €12.