Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

So after waiting seventeen days (three hours, realistically) for the Twisted Metal Beta to download and install, I booted that son of a bitch up and now, here are my thoughts on what happened next…

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 Saying “This Game Would Make a Great Movie”

Some games were already great movies...

You’re wrong. For the following reasons:

#1 – Games are (and always should be) about gameplay FIRST story SECOND

While games like Mass Effect 3, Bioshock and Red Dead Redemption have good writing and plotting, their primary purpose is that of interactive entertainment. This is the one thing that many people fail to get through their skulls: games and movies are both equally valid, non mutually-exclusive types of entertainment, that serve entirely different purposes.

Take Shadow of The Colossus, for example. That game has an incredible story and fantastic atmosphere, without actually using more than a few sentences of spoken dialogue. A heartbreaking portrait of the trials we must endure for the love of another person (or horse).  The Hollywood version would have Jake Gylenhall wisecracking while fighting atop a 80 foot tall CGI Grompus’ beard.

Even a better Hollywood adaptation like Silent Hill cant hold a candle to the game in terms of storytelling and tension. Some things are just best left alone, peeps.

#2 – Hollywood has fucked us on this one before

Ever seen Super Mario Brothers? Hitman? Doom? Anything made by Uwe Boll?

Case dismissed.

“Boosting”

You know who you are you pathetic, small-penised little weasels.

Using Headsets for Online Gaming

I’ve played the crap out of 2 Multiplayer games recently. Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, which is like eating a delicious Ice Cream Sundae, and Modern Warfare 3, which is like eating too much chinese food and feeling kind of sick. However much I enjoyed both the sublime stalking of Revelations and the twitchily addicitive Modern Warfare, both caused me to lose my faith in humanity at times.

No doubt some poetic discourse is underway...

For some reason, there are people out there who like trolling. For the uninitiated, trolling is winding people up over the internet – and is absolutely despicable except for around some of the time when it’s fucking hilarious (or rather, the reaction to it is). Trolls are no strangers to the gaming world where they will sing irritating, out-of-tune songs into their headset, call you every possible variation of sexual/ethnic/colloquial slur, and even start laughing manically when on a particularly good run. These people should be put on some sort of list that has men in black suits come to their house and sterilise them, and then immediately deliver a Muay Thai knee right to the delicate bridge of their respective noses.

But the worst… the WORST guys are the ones who do the creepy, mouth-breathy thing into the mic, or – jesus help me – the ones who have a radio playing faintly in the background with just enough volume that, by the time it reaches your end of the internet, it’s an dissonant mess of audio-artifacting that even Guantanamo Bay wouldn’t inflict on its guests. One of the people who recently made my hit list was a guy who played Assassin’s Creed with a kid on his lap, he didn’t say a word for the entire session but yet my ears were privvy to the gurgles and crying of his probably ugly child throughout the match. Yes, yes I know you can mute people – but when you find yourself doing it pre-emptively before every match, something’s gotta give.

(above) a very rare exception

Christ I hate headsets… If you aren’t playing co-ordination heavy team based games with friends, I really don’t see the point. Just in case you think you do, I’m here to hit you with some cold, hard truth: No one cares what you have to say. Which brings me neatly to…

Xbox vs Playstation arguments

We like opinions, they’re the stuff of interesting conversations. In fact, you may have noticed that this article is based entirely on opinion rather than, say, being grounded in hard hitting journalism, but hopefully I’m getting through to some of you out there. Those of you who disagree can always start a flame war in the comments below!

via The MetaPicture

Actually, that’s kinda my point… What the rest of the internet seems to think is that “opinion” is exchangeable with “fact” when undergoing the fruitless task of changing someone’s mind. Nothing makes my heart sink when some actual discourse immediately takes backseat to “Xbox rullllllz fags!” and “PS3 is the shit, yo, Imma play me the fuck outta Drake and you queers cnt ply lolz!!!!1!”.

Well ye can rest your minds about it, because the fact of the matter is that the majority of games of this generation have no discernible differences between Xbox 360 and PS3 versions, because said games are made by third parties, who naturally want to reach as wide an audience as possible, and thus must develop games to play equally well across both platforms. Bar the features of the consoles, such as Sony’s BluRay player, free online play and identity theft vs Microsoft’s clearly superior controller design, marginally better (but paid) online support and epic hardware faults, there ain’t a whole lot different about gaming itself apart from a few exclusive titles. Of course, one could always consider Kinect and Playstation Move, but until they are used for something genuinely exciting then they don’t qualify. The next generation is bound to bring some more radical hardware changes, and perhaps there will be a more marked difference in what experiences they can bring. Then the arguments, however retarded, may actually hold some weight.

The Wii is a different story, as it was a case of revolutionary technology that was great for business, but a little bit short sighted in terms of longevity and hardware quality. The new Wii-U looks interesting though…

Whinging

Go on, CRY! Like Activision give a flying fuck.

I was expecting Modern Warfare 3 to be a heap of stinking wombat shit by what people have said and written about it, but it is a perfectly functional, well-designed game with the usual standard of popcorn campaign and twitchy multiplayer. We got exactly what we paid for – and those of you that felt that your dreams were not fully realised by the inevitably samey product have no-one to blame but yourselves for not being happy. AND I bet you’ll still buy the overpriced map pack, you sheep!

Gamers never learn, you see. Instead of rushing out to pick up our pre-order on the first day, maybe it’d be good to do a little research every once in a while. Instead of forking out €10-20 on a piece of DLC, maybe take a look at some of the smaller indie games available on PSN or XBLA, or try something new. All i’m saying is that if we don’t start learning to say “no” every once in a while, then we can get ready for the exact same Call of Duty and FIFA titles being released year after year. At premium. With little improvements.

This may seem incredibly rich coming from us here – and it is! We’re no strangers to calling bullshit when a game is flawed or a company does something to screw over gamers, but that’s kinda why we’re here. Our humble team write because we love games, and we endeavour to channel our several combined decades of videogaming and writing experience into something which can both entertain, stimulate and educate.

That’s not whinging folks, that’s called whinging from a homemade soap box.

Please let us know what you think gamers (or, indeed, journalists) should cease doing in the comments below.

The juggernaut that is Mass Effect 3 is set to launch on 6th March, and you can bet your asses we’ll be first in line to scoop up a copy of the game which will see Sheppard through his final conflict with the evil Reapers. We’re massive fans of the series, and there was such a marked improvement between ME1 and ME2 that we cant wait to get our teeth stuck into the final part of the trilogy, which promises improved combat, cinematic moments on a scale hitherto unseen, and more important decisions that ever.

The trailer shows off the voice cast of the game, which includes old favourites from previous games like Martin “Emilio’s My Favourite” Sheen and Keith “I didn’t take it out for air” David. We’re not so sure about the new additions to the cast, though, as the only new faces seem to be gaming journalist Jessica Chobot and Freddie Prinze Jr… Yes, that guy from the early 00′s you thought was in a boy band at some stage…

Yes... That's right folks. Wing Commander's unforgettable Freddie Prinze Jr

Well, if any developer can get a good performance out of the man (and in fairness, it doesn’t look all that bad), it’s Bioware. Of special note is that, between all the deer-in-the-headlights press release nonsense the actors are spouting in the video, that veteran voice actor Jennifer Hale (female Sheppard) says that this game’s writing is some of the best she’s ever don. While Jennifer has appeared in her fair share of Hideo Kojima games, we must admit this is pretty good endorsement, and definitely sticks out amongst the fast edits of marketable phrases from the other actors – so let’s hope she’s right!

Oh and Keith David’s shirt is fuckin’ sweet….

If you’re like me, you’ll be looking forward to a new Tomb Raider game.

If you’re not like me then we can’t save you.  Or maybe we can, stick around.

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Excellent gaming site Kotaku.com has been reporting about the next console from Microsoft, nicknamed the “Xbox 720″ by the gaming press. The details are attributed rather vaguely to game industry “sources”, although the buzzing all seem fairly realistic.

It makes toasties and gives blowjobs too...

• The new console will use BluRay technology, or something very similar, to pack as much as 50gb of data onto a disc. It will be interesting to see if Microsoft will cave to include BluRay tech, as Sony is one of the 19 companies which own/develop the technology

• There is a possibility that used games will not be able to be played on the new console (possibly through some sort of serial activation system á la PC games?)

• The system will introduce Kinect 2, which aims to bring Microsoft’s impressive but yet-to-be-applied-meaningfully Kinect further.

• The machine will be 6-8 times more powerful than the current Xbox.

• Launch date is being estimated as late 2013-2014.

This is all very speculative at this point, but you can be sure that we’ll keep you covered on details as they unfold. It’s been quite a while since consoles advanced a generation and, well, have a look at footage from GTA: Vice City or the original Halo compared to Batman: Arkham City or Uncharted 3. Could we be in for things like this being the standard of gameplay visuals?

Video via IGN
Pic by Jonah 365
Source: Kotaku.com

You’re almost certainly sick of hearing Griff and I go on about our undying love for the excellent Resident Evil 4, the rerelease of which still kicked the shit out of most of its “AAA” counterparts in 2011. Either that or you’re sick to death of hearing me talk about how Resident Evil 5 was as much of an improvement to the franchise as a rickety tiger enclosure is to the safety of a small primary schoolyard.

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We’ve been very excited about the upcoming release of THQ’s UFC Undisputed 3, and we have even more reason now that a generous demo has landed featuring top fighters Jon “Bones” Jones, Anderson Silva, Wanderlei Silva (no relation) and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson.

This game may be the only time we see this man lose...

*Pic via MMA Junkie

It’s very rare for such a meaty demo (albeit with a 1 round time limit) to hit our consoles, and it definitely gives a good taste for the combat to come – which features classic “pro” controls along with simplified options for beginners. Since our last report we’ve heard news about the improved career mode, which has ditched the thoroughly irritating stat decreases for a more streamlined approach. It’s shaping up to be quite the game when it launches on Xbox 360 and PS3 on Valentines Day – What better way to celebrate the day of commercialised love by engaging in brutal hand to hand combat with a loved one?

Check out the Career Mode trailer below to hear Rampage Jackson wax lyrical about his time in the UFC. That could be you come February 14th, only without all the, y’know, raining and hard work and money and stuff.

Ohhh… And the legendary Bas Rutten will be appearing as a commentator on the Pride matches.

Xbox Live is a wonderful source of games. How many times have you been too bored to watch TV or play a game but not bored enough to go outside and interact with real people? I’m going to go ahead and guess that the answer is “a lot”. Now, how many of those times did you you just throw on something you downloaded from the games marketplace on Xbox? I’m willing to bet it was more than half. That’s because XBLA and PSN are changing the way we play games.

You don’t have to go out and spend fifty quid on a AAA release only to find that you can finish it before dinner (I’m looking at you, Call Of Duty). Now you can just turn on your console and pay less than a tenner for a game that would have cost all of your birthday money when you were a kid and would have been leaps and bounds ahead of the technology curve of the time.

I only wish I could go back in time to my eight year old, Commodore 64 playing self and show him a trailer for Splosion Man. The new memories being forced into my head would be worth it just to watch his (My) face light up when he (I) sees it, even if it does make him (Me. You get it) shit his pants and question his sanity.  So lets take a look now at the top 5 XBLA games out there at the moment.

Disclaimer: I know there are a lot of last gen games available on XBLA right now, but none of them will make this list. I’m sticking to games with an arcade feel to them, so don’t get upset when Resident Evil 4 doesn’t show up.

Shadow Complex

There's just something so...Communist about it, isn't there?

First off, you have to like Nolan North to like this one. He gives his trademark performance of spouting one liners to no one in particular as he stumbles around aimlessly slaughtering his enemies and getting shit done. Luckily for me, I love that stuff. I did grow up watching Die Hard, after all. But if that isn’t your cup of tea you’ll probably get annoyed by this one pretty quickly.

What makes this really worth a play, though, is its similarity to the Metroid series. Metroid 2: The Return Of Samus is right up there on my list of favorite games of all time and Shadow Complex has done a great job of reminding me of it.

My Gameboy went through thousands of batteries because of this.

What makes that all the more weird is that there hasn’t been a side scrolling, true to the original Metroid game since the Gameboy Advance and that’s just criminal.

But enough about Metroid. If I use the word any more it’s going to lose all meaning. Shadow Complex follows the adventures of blah blah blah. It really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it’s a side scrolling action shooter with elements of stealth and a heavy emphasis on exploration, weapon and ability upgrades and kicking scientists like you were a Spartan.

That is, while giving zero shits.

If you thought there was going to be a “THIS. IS. SPARTAAAA!!!!” joke then shame on you. I’m very disappointed. But you know what isn’t disappointing? Shadow Complex. If you don’t play this through at least twice then you’ve made a terrible purchase and this game obviously wasn’t for you in the first place. For the rest of you; Enjoy.

Trials HD

Don't let the Douchey picture fool you. This game is a great laugh.

Ever been drunk? Ever had a friend? Or two friends? Then this is the game for you. With it’s tricky handling and difficult stages it offers plenty of challenges while the horrible, gruesome deaths the bikes poor rider is subjected to will keep you laughing while you play. For example, you can blow him up.

He's in there somewhere.

 Set him on fire.

He'll be fine as long as he doesn't slow down.

Or just smack him into walls, spikes and all manner of other horribly final objects.

Which was surprisingly hard to find a picture of, so here's this.

It’s a great game to throw on if you have a few people over, especially if you have a few beers. The steep difficulty curve means plenty of challenge and, by the time you get past the harder stages you’ll be good enough to go back and try for the gold medal in the easier ones. For the gamers out there who absolutely must finish every last part of the game, Trials HD is perfect. New stages are added periodically and the UGC is surprisingly good. It’s almost like the game that keeps on giving.

Remember that Christmas when Santa brought you your very first Atari? Well I don’t cause the fat bastard basically brought me the Tesco Value Brand version of an Atari, which was probably called the Shitari…but it’s alright I’m over it now, I swear.

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