Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Me missus says me jizz tastes manky, but I wash meself like. What should I do? – Mark via email

Even if you’ve scrubbed the beejesus out of your willy, semen taste is affected by what you eat. The taste of your sperm can be improved  (now when I say improved, I don’t mean it’s gonna taste like a Mr.Whippy, but it’ll be alright) with a few simple changes to your diet.

Dear Auntie V.

I need some advice. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for over two years, I think she’s beautiful, but when we’re in bed she always turns off all the lights, hides under the sheets, and gets very self conscious, I really only get to feel things I’m never allowed to see them. I always tell her how sexy I think she is, but that doesn’t seem to work. It’s a bit frustrating. What should I do?

Rob.

Hi Rob.

Well as always Auntie V will do her best to help. Ok so for like ever you’ve only dreamed of lying next to one of those air brushed models off the telly, well for like ever she”s always compared herself to them.

Now you might not care that you’re no Vin Diesel (or whoever the kids like these days) but it’s a big thing for women not to all be Megan Fox’s, do you know what I mean?

No matter if she never takes a compliment seriously, don’t stop giving the to her. Pay her compliments when she least expects them, like first in the morning when her hair is a mess and her make up is all over the pillow.  If she’s covered up in a blanket tell her how beautiful her legs are, kiss and caress the areas she’s self conscious about, letting her know you’re more than ok with them.

Now having said that, although she may never be 100% confident with herself, knowing that you love her the way she is, will be more than enough, and you’ll see her become more and more comfortable with you everyday.

Hope I’ve helped.

V.

Ok so we all know it takes a woman a lot longer then a man, to cum. But for some men they only have to look at a vagina and they’ll spooge all over the shop.

Now we don’t judge if it’s Megan Fox’s minge your gawking at, but what about your lovely missus who’s been gagging for a long hard boink fest all day? Ahhhh jaysus the poor thing.

Now there are a lot of factors that contribute to premature ejaculation, stress, physical issues, meganfoxsmingitus, all kinds of things, but did you that even some of the positions you’re using could be the main cause of premature ejaculation.

If there’s lots of rubbing or your bumping and grinding for Ireland a man can cum just like that. To make sex last a bit longer so both parties are satisfied there are some positions that should be kind of avoided, but there are positions that can have ya boinking all night long.

The usual missionary position and basically any forms of that should be avoided if you want to last longer. It’s quite an intimate position and basically you guys end up doing all the work, and that can lead to premature ejaculation. This is a bit of a blessing cause you’re probably bored of plain old missionary and now it’ll give you and your partner a chance to try some new styles.

Now don’t hate Auntie V, but doggy style doesn’t help either. Sorry boys.

Sitting positions can be great for preventing premature ejaculation. Try anything where basically your sitting and your partner is straddling you, maybe you’re on the edge of the bed with your feet on the floor and your partner wraps her arms around your neck and her legs around your waist. This position doesn’t involve thrusting, just both parties moving their hips. I must say it’s thoroughly enjoyable for women, as our g spot is being pressed and our clit is being stimulated at the same time.  For men it’s a lot less work for them, and we know how lazy you can be.

Even better for preventing premature ejaculation, is when you’re lying on your back and your partner mounts you, you do not thrust but she does, you only have to lay back and relax, you’re not doing any work but she doesn’t mind that cause she feels in control. You can make it even better by pulling her closer for kisses or to even cop a feel. This is even better for preventing premature ejaculation because basically there’s no pressure on you to preform. Your can vary any of these positions for even more fun, like reverse cow girl, me like that long time.

Happy Boinking.

V.

Incorporating food play into sex, is not only erotic but it makes sex so much more fun and playful.

Frozen treats are my personal favourites, wanna see what Auntie V can do with a Tangle Twister? Tee hee hee.

Ice cubes can be used for stimulating your lady during oral sex, or if your not man enough to have ice in your mouth for more than ten minutes, take turns rubbing the ice over each others nipples, and rub her clit slowly with it, it’ll send some welcomed chills down her spine.

If you think you can handle it ask her to suck on the ice for a bit before she gives you oral sex, sounds pretty intriguing eh? You know you want too. Even better have your rub the ice on your balls while she’s giving you head, the warmth of her mouth and the cold ice will drive you wild. Trust me.

Even a long make out session with some ice in there can be fun too, and a bitta whaher won’t kill ya.

I’m sure we’ve all used whipped cream during sex, but you can have much more fun with it instead of just spraying a bit on her and going to town. Why not give her the can and let her spray a bit where she wants to be kissed or licked, it’s a fun way to find out what she’s into, and how much of a kinky bitch she can be!

If you want her to return the favour make your cock look uber appealling with the whip cream, maybe throw some chocolate sauce on it too. Wait hang on a minute screw the whip cream just cover it in chocolate and watch as the naughty beast is unleashed, most women love anything covered in chocolate. I know I do.

If she’s not a chocolate lover, then dump her ass! Ha ha ha only messing, maybe try some honey or any dessert sauce you can find.

Try anything with food, and no I don’t mean eating a dinner box off her, and dipping your chips into the curry sauce in her belly button (bet ye just got hard at the thought of that – dirtbirds!)

Most of all have fun with it, and if it gets a bit too messy I’m sure you’d have fun cleaning each other off in the bath. Am I right?

Bon Appetit.

V.

“My girlfriend gives the best head ever, and she wants me to return the favour…HELP” – Darren via email.

Auntie V will do her best.

Ok so oral sex can be one of the most amazing sexual pleasures ever that you can give your lady. And if she’s more than satisfied she’ll return the favour, again and again. So if you’re gonna go down on her, don’t just do it — do it right.

You can’t just give her a quick lick and expect a mind blowing orgasm, and then for her to drop to her knees to thank you, it just doesn’t work like that. If you want her to do her job, you’re gonna have to work to.

While a bit of skill is needed, being aware of her mood and sensations is more important than any amount of tongue strength.

Unlike ye men, us woman don’t have oral sex on the brain 24/7 so make sure she’s in the mood for it before starting anything.

Ease into things, she’s not gonna appreciate you yanking her knickers off and just going to town. The vagina is a very sensitive area, so pay attention to her other body parts and slowly make your way down. When you get there don’t be in a hurry, start out slowly and gradually pick up some speed.

Of course oral sex is intimate, but it becomes so much more intimate when there’s lots of physical connection between you. Don’t just sit there licking, kiss and stroke her thighs, and hold her around her legs. Make sure she’s enjoying herself, and I don’t mean stopping and giving her a “is dat alrigh luv?” listen to her moans and groans, look at her body language, that’ll turn you on too.

Pay attention cause every woman has their own personal preferences when it comes to oral sex. As I said listen to her sounds, and watch her body move as you try different things. She may like lapping and when you insert your tongue, but she could go wild when you use your fingers as well as your tongue. Try lots of different things and see what gets her going, but if you’re trying something new, be gentle at first, if you can sense she doesn’t like something, then stop.

I can’t tell you to lick this way or that way cause every woman is different, you’ll need to find that out yourself. But to make it a great experience, you both need to be feeling it.Make sure she’s comfortable. Don’t act like you’re doing her a favour, if you do your job right, you’ll reap the rewards. Don’t act all disgusted either, the vagina is an amazing thing, you need to appreciate it and think of what it has done for you and what it will do for you.

Most of all, have fun.

V.

We’re an equal opportunities site here at Boob.ie.  We aim to please our male and female readers.  Which is why we just had to share this little list of tips sent into us by Rob via email.

If you’re a girl

1) Get something small if it’s your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it’s got a rounded tip.

2) Put a little water on it.

3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you’re comfortable.

4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.

5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.

6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you’re not focusing on anything)

7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. (I did not have underwear but I was wearing pants and a shirt, loose pants.) Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.

8.) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON’T.

9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your anus and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)

10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.

11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don’t. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.

12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don’t put them in, but just finger it softly.

13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That’s the spot above the hole)

14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn’t feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you’ve bumped a sensitive spot. That’s not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.

15) Once it’s in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don’t take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.

16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.

17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you’re going to want it worse.

18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don’t go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn’t be unless you used something large.

If you’re a boy

1)Read this.

2)Rub penis.

As it’s Boobie Tuesday, Auntie Vibratora has come up with the genius idea that is “Top Titty Tips”. I’m gonna give you lads some helpful pointers on pleasuring your women in the fun bag area.

Now I know most of you are thinking “WTF? I don’t have time to be worrying about her, I’m gonna die of a horn!” but did you know that sexual arousal can increase breast size? And aren’t big boobies better? And even better than that nipples are get all hard and suckable…and believe me if you want her to be sucking on anything you can bet your ass you’re gonna have to return the favour.

Boobies are super sensitive cause they have so many nerve endings, did you know that some women can achieve orgasms just from breast and nipple stimulation? I’ve yet to meet a man that can do that for me, so if any of you guys are up to the challenge, you know where I am.

According to the Kama Sutra some scratching and biting or the breasts and nipples is considered highly erotic, sounds kinky to me, but hey I’m all about the kink.

So I’ve done some research and a bit of experimenting, hey I gotta get mine, and so here are some tips and techniques for you guys to try out. You can thank me later.

A simple breast massage can do so much. Using the whole of your hand cup and caress the breasts. Gently massage them in a circular motion. Get a whole other buzz by incorporating some lube or massage oil, very sexy.

Nipple play can be so hot, but a word of advice lads if it’s your ladies “special time” her nipples can be very tender so what may be very sexual and pleasuring one day could be complete agony for her the next.

Rub the nipples starting with very light strokes, sweep your hand back and forth over them. Using closed fingers gently stroke the nipples. Tease them by giving them a gentle pull with your thumb and forefinger. And roll the nipples gently between your thumb and forefinger like you are turning a dial, if she’s loving it you can gradually add for pressure.

Now for some oral techniques. Run your tongue in a circular motion around the nipple, but  be nice and gentle your not going to town on a 99 here. Use your tongue in the same way you would use your fingers to tease the nipples. Then lightly blow on them, the cool air on the moistened nipples will make them feel all cold and tingly and will help them harden, and make everything so much more pleasurable. Spice thing up even more by adding some flavoured lubricants or even whip cream or chocolate sauce, but a little bit goes a long way, your better half isn’t a knickerbocker glory.

Now if your still all lazy feckers and not intrigued by my tips and tricks, our friends over at Sex-Toys.ie have some gadgets that will do the job for you.

Climax Nipple Gel, a mint flavoured gel that not only tastes good but will heighten nipple sensation. These Heart Shaped Breast Massagers are made from a soft jelly material and feature breast and nipple nubs that stimulate the breast and feel absolutely fantastic. Now being a kinky bitch, but with a lot of class, I would love a pair of these Butterfly Nipple Clamps, they are adjustable, loosing them up for a little pinch and tighten them to make it hurt so good!

But trust me your ladies will appreciate your hard work and effort so much more then some toys and you’ll probably be GREATLY  rewarded in the end.

Have Fun!

Vibratora.

Hello fellas, Auntie Vibratora here again.  I should also give a big up to our lady readers, of which we have quite a few.  I know this because one of our lovely lady readers has written to me with a question.  Unlike other sites with agony aunt’s who have “genuine” and spontaneous” questions from actual readers, I’ll only ever publish an email that is sent to us with a question for me to answer.

And here it is, it comes in from Fiona in Tipperary:

“Dear Boob.ie,

My fella and me have been together for a while and lately he’s been asking me if I’d let him give me a pearl necklace.  I’m obviously flattered, but I’m a little worried.  Y’see we’ve been saving every penny we have for a new place and I’m afraid that if he blows his load on jewellery for me that we’ll be taking a step back instead of forward into our dream house?  How can I tell him that I’d rather follow our dream instead of a neckline full of mother nature’s pearly white drops?

Fiona”

Well Fiona,

You’ve certainly cum come to the right place.  First off, as a lady myself I can say that if you have a man who is prepared to get you a new gaff and some fine jewellery you should hang on to him.  Next you’ll be telling me that he goes down on you and laps at you like a dog drinking from the bog.  If that’s the case, either tie him up in a wardrobe somewhere or send him over to me.

That aside, saving for what you want is important, but why not take a little gift to break the monotony and boredom and receive the nice little present he has planned for you.

Who knows, you might even like it.  It could make you feel all warm and speckled with love.  Plus pearl necklaces never usually end up around your neck anyway.  They can end up lower and hang around the boob area, or depending on how excited your man is to give it to you it might end up just being flung at your face.  Happened me once and boy did I look silly, but the men I was with seemed happy with the result.

Suck it up Fiona, but only after you’ve given your man enough time to appreciate how his gift looks on you.

Glad to help,

Vibratora

x x x

Send your problems or questions to me at [email protected]

“If music be the food of love, play on.” - Bill Shakespeare   

Yes lads, it’s true what they say, there is an art to seduction.  It’s all about timing, mutual attraction, trust and atmosphere.  Your best friend in this situation is of course the content of your music collection.  You need to convey your true personality through the tunes you choose, but keep them true to the moment too… muted drums tuned to the beat of your rocking pelvis might not work so well over a glass of wine when smooth jazz would keep energies electric.  Sure, I’ve unzipped a few flies to the sounds of The Presidents of the United States of America but there are a very few ladies who are as classy as I am.   

To help inspire you, I’ve gathered my experience from many years of daytime hookering and compiled a top ten list of fuckme albums to use when Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy just doesn’t do the job.  I’ve ignored the obvious Barry Whites and Barry Manilows because, well it’s obvious really, cheese is best kept for crackers.   

#10 

Sting – The dream of the Blue Turtles   

There’s something about Sting’s voice that makes most women melt, especially if she’s holding an expensive glass of wine in her hand, or drinking champagne from your shoe.  If you can find a life-size cutout of his face and strap it to your own for the entire date, you’re sure to score even faster.   

Air – Talkie Walkie   

Perfect easy listening that lets you concentrate on the matter at hand, as it were.  This album works even better in the morning while you’re cooking her eggs… if any music can cure a hangover, I’m pretty sure this can.   

 The Doors – L.A. Woman  

Summons Dionysus into your living room and bedroom and soon you’ll both be dancing naked around the settee and mingling fluids like there’s no tomorrow.  Lay off the heroin though, it’s bad for your sperm-count.  

Bob Marley – Catch a Fire  

There’s a bit of Kinky Reggae in all of us, Bob is most definitely not just for stoners.  The king of love and redemption, played soft and low is yer only man for getting the atmosphere to the perfect level of chill.   

Nina Simone – Here Comes the Sun  

The high priestess of soul.  She’ll massage those lyrics into your soul and fill those awkward moments quicker than you can say ‘Did you bring any johnnies?!?’.  This is a cover album so you can impress your missuz by singing along, especially to the fantastic upbeat version of ‘My Way’, or you can get her drunk and watch her make a show of herself and record the evidence to use as blackmail later.  It’s all good.   

Massive Attack – Blue Lines  

Sexual chocolate with just the right beat for when things get sweaty.  Each song has that failsafe heartbeat rhythm with  the odd climatic riff thrown in to help you along.  You just can’t beat the classics.  

#4

Tricky – Maxinquaye   

Staying with lazy Bristol twats, this album needs to make this list if not for ‘Abbaon Fat Track’ alone.  I’ll say no  more… it speaks for itself.   

#3

India Arie – Voyage to India 

R&B for people who don’t necessarily like R&B.  Ms Arie’s smooth tones will hit you in places you didn’t know you had -  throw in a few candles and your bit of fluff is putty.  I recommend leaving the room for the duration of the track  ’Complicated Melody’, where India sings up a storm about her fella.  There’s nothing wrong with a bit of associative  brainwashing for getting you in the right books.   

#2

Enigma – The Platinum Collection 

My own personal favourite based on many years of shaggin’ shenanigans with this music stuck on loop.  Choons that requires no listening effort whatsoever, yet works wonderous charms on your trousersnake.  Yes it stinks of the 80′s, but if it  ain’t broke, don’t fix it.   

#1

John Martyn – Solid Air 

May he rest in peace.  This dude’s voice is smoother than the Häagen-Dazs you’ve just licked from your ladyfriend’s pink parts…   sexy, beautiful, drunken perfection.  His stunning guitar playing and deeply moving earthy voice should be in your music  collection whether you’re in the pulling game or not, and that’s all I have to say about that.