Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

So as you all know by now I’m very much into the kink, and last week I told you about my slight masturbation obsession.

Today Auntie V is going to tell you about her first sex toy experience.

Now it wasn’t like I’d never heard of sex toys or vibrators, I just never had one because I got on perfectly fine with two, maybe three, maybe four fingers.

All my girl friends always talked about their dildos and Rampant Rabbits, so curiosity got the better of me, I had to invest in one. At the time Rampant Rabbits didn’t come cheap so I scrimped and saved, I cut back on certain necessities like vodka and lube, finally I had enough money saved.

I bought my Rabbit, it was purple and apparently 6.5 inches of pleasure, if the shop had bigger I would’ve bought it.

When I got home, I ran myself a bath. I slowly stripped off in front of my mirror, I was wet just thinking about my new toy. I hoped I was setting myself up for a fall.

I relaxed in the bath, rubbed the bar of soap over my breasts, lathered up over my hard nipples. I laid back and opened my legs, one leg over each side of the bath. A lady has to keep a clean shop doesn’t she?

I rubbed the soap over my smooth wet pussy. The warm water surrounding my body felt so good, I let out a soft moan.

Screw this I needed to come, fast.

I’m glad I have a winky, and not a woo hoo.  Boys have winkies and girls have woo hoo’s.

Why am I so glad I have a winky?  Because I get to wank my winkie while looking at pictures of pretty women.  And I get to practice what it would be like if I ever got to put my winky into their woo hoo.

Occasionally I like to wonder what it’s like to be a lady with a woo hoo, but for now I’ll settle with what the baby jebus gave me.  And while I’m settling, I’ll put it to good use and increase my catalogue of womens whose woo hoo’s I’d like to sink my winky into.

There are a few reasons that we chose Isla Fisher for induction into our weekly wank bank.

1.

She’s a hot redhead.  Red heads are hot, gingers are not.  We’ve talked about this before, but if you need a refresher, check it.

2.

Her middle name is “Lang”, which sounds like a dirty word for penis.  So I imagine that I could get one or two dirty jokes out of it by saying that of course I’d get a go on  her.  After all, her middle name is cock.  It might need a bit of work.

3.

She’s tiny, only 5ft3.  I could do some serious damage to a woman of that petite stature.  I mean with a standard size woman, all I hear is “You in yet?”.  But with a woman that short and petite I reckon she’d have a bit of trouble accommodating my 4 inch pleasure truncheon.

Of course word on the street that her actual husband Sasha whatshisface is hung like a donkey, but that’s far too much for my Isla.

Jaysus, the damage he could do.

I’d never get any friction.

I’d have to settle for some hot foot action.

That’s right, my name is Maxi and I have a foot fetish.

“Hello Maxi”

Thanks fellow perverts.

I could suck on her dinky toes while she diddled herself imagining that she could still fit my 4 inch monster for some sexy time.

You’d suck on her toes too.  Just check them out.

Nyom nom nom nom.

I mean if this was 20 0r 30 years ago, I might have included someone like Goldie Hawn in the weekly wank bank.

But it’s not and while she may be a handsome woman, I just couldn’t picture myself nibbling her toes.

But she does have two nyomable daughters in the form of Kate Hudson and Keri Russell.

That’s next week sorted so….

In the meantime, join me in celebration of Isla Fisher.

Subsequently, you can follow Isla Fishers toes on Twitter – HERE

Typing with one hand isn’t always easy, but sometimes it just has to be done.  So instead of my fairly respectable 30 words a minute while looking at the keyboard and 20 while not looking, I shall probably be finished this post about 6 hours later than planned.

And as for the unscheduled wank breaks, forget about it.

Ladies and Gentlemen get ready to hee-haw with the wrinkled mee-maw and butter the corn this week to the next sperm receptacle on my wish list:

Christina Ricci

I’m gonna say a few things about the spunktastic Ms Ricci that you may think a little out of line, even for me.  But I can say these things because I am older than her by only a few weeks.  I grew up watching her grow up, so she’s always been hot to me, for my whole life and her whole life.  She’s my girl next door and we’ve never even been in the same country at the same time.  So let’s get these things out of the way.

She was hot in Casper.

She was smokin’ in The Addams Family.

But she was the first girl to give me a tingle in my winky when she was in the film with Cher and Winona Ryder.

And by the time she got to Black Snake Moan, she was letting men do things to her that were right out of my wet dreams.

Right, that’s that out of the way.

I don’t know what I wouldn’t do to this chick.  If you were to walk into the room I’d had her in and shine a black light it’d look like a sex pest had been finger painting with man emulsion.

I wouldn’t care if she pulled out a cock.  Well I would, but only if it was bigger than mine.  She could do what ever she wanted to me.  I’d hand her a fucking menu for her to tick off her preferences:

1.  Churn my ass until you get butter milk (reach around optional)

2.  Give me a Lucozade enema

3.  Hook my nipples up to a car battery and my scrotum to an iPod that has James Blunt on repeat

4.  Violate me with your toes while making me violate Twink with mine

5.  Make me listen to the Ray Foley show and tazer my bell end when I fail to point out anything vaguely humorous or entertaining

I’d lap her up until I was flicking her fillings with my tongue of pleasurability.  From that moment on it would be known as The Squealmaker®.  So renowned would it become that workshops and books would be produced the world over making me rich beyond the dreams of a Health Minister.

She’d be sad when our marathon session ended, but that would just be due to temporary dehydration.  For all you slow people down the back, that would be because she’d have used up her bodily fluids on the pesky sexual delights I was dishing out.  For the really slow people down the far back, it means I left her slipping around in the puddles of memories she’ll forever wish she could recapture.

Fuck it, she gushed so much the downstairs neighbours ceiling started to drip.

Well now I’ve got friction burn on my cock and the start of some pretty serious looking palm blisters, so before they pop and bring me back to the reality of me sitting here with my pants around my ankles, I better leave this internet café before the feds show up.

One more time, Ms Christina Ricci.

Fuck the po-leece.  I can go another round….

I’m not a religious person, but if I was I’d get on my knees, push the open flied priest that came out of nowhere out of the way and thank the sweet baby jesus and his 12 homies for the luscious Emma Bunton.

Back when I was but a teenager, the Spice Girls came along but there was just one that stood out as one that not only had true girl power.  And as we all know the true meaning of girl power is to induce 1000 cc’s of boner.  Stat.

Now, this is what she looked like while she was in the Spice Girls, as Baby Spice.

Part of me wanted to go for the older woman of Ginger Spice, but she would have taken my soul.  Granted all the Spice Girls were and still are older women to me, but Emma Bunton made me want to use those pigtails as reigns and wonder whether or not I was going to be up for statutory afterwards.

It wouldn’t have mattered, because she was the older woman.  She could teach me a thing or two.  She could show me the naughty things she picked over the years by banging the Spice roadies.  She could take me through her slide show of lesbian tour dancer strip twister parties.  She could be a total spunk slut mistress in my bedroom and a lady in the kitchen.  She’d be baking cupcakes and then we’d get frisky because all she’d be wearing would be a short little waist apron that wouldn’t cover anything.  She’d lick my beater clean and I’d finger her bowl for all the gooey goodness.  Then she’d beg me to ice her muffin and I’d cover it liberally with my very own brand of baby spice.

Then she grew up and had a shite solo career, but that just meant that there were more videos for her to gradually wear less clothes to increase record sales.  When really all she’d be increasing is, well you know where I’m going with that.

I love it when she lays in an everyday pose on a fluffy carpet and comfy coitus chair just as some one shouts “Cheese!”. I don’t know, maybe it’s a pain in the whole.  Everytime your puerile immature and smutty blogging bit on the side is on the way over and you put on your pure crotchless black dress and sit in front of your coitus chair, a fucking paparazzi shows up.  Paparazzi bastids.

I could go on about all the things I’d like to do to Emma Bunton, but I’d be here all day because only some of them involve her being co-operative or awake.  Now, over the next few weeks you may find yourself a little concerned about my choices of ladies in this section, and I invite criticism.

But until that day, I stand before you a man asking for your trust.

This picture should guarantee it….

Now if that doesn’t make you want to fiddle your flesh flute, or for the women, butter up your whisker biscuit, then I don’t know what will.

In fact I think I’ll go and burp the worm right now.

Til next week…

First off, women have wank banks too, so when our fearless leader Maxi started this series I figured I’d jump in and show you silly little boys what a real wank bank should consist of.

So I’m sure you’ve been badgered into watching Sex And City at least once in your life. You’ll know the characters as The Ginge, The Slut, The Horse, and The Other One.  Well for obvious reasons you wouldn’t squirt out some love goo to a ginge and definitely not to a horse, a slut….yeah maybe…but the other one, the sweet, innocent, feminine one with that glint her eye, the glint that screams “kinky bitch” – yeah you know you would. I know I would…ahem…have.

Ok so yeah she’s 45, but damn she’s hot. I know all you younger man have some sort of older woman fantasy, don’t deny it.

She’s single and child free so you know she’s not damaged down there by evil spawn. Score!

Now tell me lads that you would not tap this.

Apparently the older Ms.Davis was involved in a sex tape scandal. I knew she had it in her. If she’s done a sex tape, I wonder what else she’d be up for? Should I give her a call? Maybe dust off the strap-on?

I once heard Glenda Gilson saying that Kristin had loadsa wrinkles, yeah well at least she doesn’t look like a filthy tranny like you! I wonder what you’ll look like when you’re 45 Glenda??  I’m thinkin maybe Dr. Frank-N-Furter but with grey hair.

I think she’s hot and as a straight woman, man I can honestly say I wouldn’t kick her out of bed. She’s definitely wankalicious in my books.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some kitty tickling to do.

Here’s to a wanktastic week.

V.

In a new installment that shall happen once a week, as determined by the title, I answer the huge amount of 1 email who asked me about the contents of my wank bank.

We all have a wank bank.

Women may deny they have one, but they have one.  Men update theirs more frequently than they care to mention.  In fact, the concept of Top of the Pops on the BBC years ago was born from the charting of a man’s wank bank.  It was more commercially viable as a music chart, plus with the full bush culture of the 70′s, the wank banks needed to be trimmed a bit.  Leaving it again to the music of popular culture to put a top 40 together.

Now as I understand it from my research, women’s wank banks consist of completely unattainable and mythical phenomena such as romance, feelings and clitoriseseses.  It doesn’t matter what the man looks like as long as he has a sense of humour, according to Cosmopolitan.

This explains why Frankie Boyle is fighting off the calendar models with a shitty leper and Colin Farrell settled down in a 3 bed semi and the good woman complete with 2.4 children.

I don’t buy it, so I’m going to be honest and give a weekly account of which loverly ladies are inspiring me to batter my sausage.

This week I have been mostly wanking to….

Anna Faris

Look at her there all wanktastic.

Look at her there with that sly sexy this straw could be your pee pee if you play your cards right look.  Oh if I had a euro for everytime I mistook that look and ended up on a register I might just have enough to pay the legal fees.

Look at her there in all her ripped dress and champagne with that hazy far away look in her eye.  Reminds me of the time I kidnapped this moderately popular actress and despite her being helpless under the cocktail of internet ordered drugs, I ripped her dress to make it look like she did it in a frenzy of cock lust because she was lusting after my cock and then I took pictures of her on a bed next to a champagne bottle so that if things were to go wrong and I had to answer questions the next morning about the corpse that my penis was still inside that it would look like an overdose of cock lust and champagne.  Good times.

See that?

She should be looking at the camera, but instead she’s gazing off at me.  I’m at the barbecue cooking up one of her favourite sausages.  By that I mean I’m in nothing but a “Suck the cook” wipe clean apron while I wrap a lukewarm rib eye steak around my member as I stroke it and mouth the words “you’re next”.  Then I’ll make a joke about wanting to stick my hot dog in her bun and we’ll laugh like we’ve just wise cracked having just solved a Scooby Doo mystery.

Now she’s being coy and pretending that she’s misplaced all her clothes and has nothing to wear only that strategically placed bed sheet.  More fool her though.  Last time she played coy and accidentally naked at the same time she woke up in a hotel room in Singapore with me and her ladyboy lookalike.  The funny thing was that no matter how we tried to explain it, we just couldn’t explain that weird taste in her mouth.

Do you see that picture?  Do you see it with your eyeballs?

Holy.  Fucking.  Emptyballs.  Batman.

Does spunk on a keyboard void your warranty?