Two boobs good, four boobs better

Ease up on the product. Even if the bottle says to use like half a gallon, don’t! Start out working through a penny size amount in shorter hair and then add a small amount more for longer hair.

Spread your product over your hands before applying, this will help with even distribution. It’s ok not to use your brush or comb and to just use your hands to style your hair.

If you’re hairs thinning a bit on top, simply blow drying it can give the appearance of a fuller head of hair. Use some mousse or hair spray to style and hold the style in place.

Washing your hair the night before can help you achieve the Robert Pattinson bed head look. Simply wash your hair, give  it a quick simple styling, and go to bed. That’s it, plus it’ll give you a couple of extra minutes in the morning to sleep in. Score!

If you have long hair, yeah sure it can be quite cool but that doesn’t mean it has to always get in the way. Invest in some black hair ties and try some different up styles.

When it comes to shorter hairstyles, it can be easy to over do it on hairspray, gel, mousse, and other products. You’re hair shouldn’t crunch, even short hair should have some movement. Stick to good quality products that aren’t sticky and that don’t flake.

For a fab hair product we here at Boob.ie are digging Goth Juice by our friends at Lush. It’s great for fluffy flyaway hair, and gives a medium hold on your hair, so you’ll still have movement and no crunchiness.

Happy Styling.

Will.

Now, I don’t mean the big hair and cheesy one liners.

I know what you’re thinking, why would a man of your age and handsomeness need grooming products like the ones I’m talking about here.  Well, you can put them to use for times when you need them, but they weren’t really meant for, and they do the trick.

I was given a gift of two new products from Avon to try out, designed especially for men. The QuadraFX Anti-Ageing Moisturising Face Cream with SPF15 and the QuadraFX Anti-Ageing Moisturising Eye Cream. At first I was a bit hurt to be giving anti-ageing products but as a serious product junkie I was more than willing to give them a go.

With the anti-ageing cream face cream it claims to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles after one week, and make your skin feel younger and firmer, and your pores visibly minimised. I didn’t notice a difference with fine lines, or pores. However I did find it a nice light moisturiser, it was easy to use and soaked in well. I did find the smell quite off putting, a very kind of chemically smell, but I got used to it after a couple of days. I wouldn’t recommend this if you’re looking for a product for lines and wrinkles, but it’s all right to use for a daily sun screen. It’s normally €10.50 for 50ml but Avon are currently selling it for €5.25, I’d say grab one for your holidays, it’s small and handy and you’ll need the SPF 15. I wouldn’t spend any more than the €5.25 cause I’m sure you could get a nice smell sun screen in Boots for that.

The anti-ageing eye cream is formulated to help eliminate dark circles and fine wrinkles around the eyes, it says it  also helps minimise puffiness and improves the look of crow’s feet. I preferred this so much more than the face cream, but yet again didn’t do much for fine wrinkles but worked amazingly on puffiness and dark circles. It has a nice thick texture but soaks in easily. This is the bees knees for those mornings when ya wake up with a hooer of a hangover and can hardly open your eyes, and you know you have to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for work in ten minutes. I used up my tube of this in no time, am hooked on it. It’s normally €7.50 for 15ml but Avon are selling it for €3.75 at the mo so stock up, I know I am. Again I’m not recommending this for lines and wrinkles but it works wonders on puffiness and dark circles.

So there you have it, even though we’re all young and studly, there’s more than one use for these so called anti ageing products.

Your missus or your ma will have an Avon catalogue lying around, and if not you go online and find a local rep.

Will

I’m here to help, boys.

I did a piece a few days ago about shaving.  I have to say that head shaving never occurred to me, but it is a grooming option that some take to hand.

Will Knott asked the following question:

“Is the routine for shaving your head any different from that of shaving your face? And any suggestions on razor burn?”

So Will (great name by the way!), here is my answer.

Again I would recommend shaving your head at the end of a hot shower which softens the hair, cleans your skin and opens the pores.  Apply your foaming shave gel generously applying it in the same direction as you hair growth pattern, this will make it easier to shave. Leave the foam on your head for a couple minutes so as to soften the hair that little bit more. And remember for the closest, smoothest shave make sure you’re razor blade is sharp, sharp, sharp.

When you’re shaving don’t be in a hurry to get it done, shave slowly and with the grain, this will help minimize cuts, ingrown hairs and razor burn. Don’t press down to hard on your razor, you don’t wanna hack at your head, let the blades to their job, and keep rinsing the razor off.  Remember to pay close attention to the areas around your ears and at the base of your neck.

When you’re finished, rinse off lightly any excess foam with warm water, now double check to see if you have missed any spots. If you have apply a little more foaming gel and shave. When the whole surface of your head is super smooth rinse off thoroughly with cool water, this will close your pores, again preventing ingrown hairs.

Apply a generous amount of after shave balm or oil for that extra shiny head, how very Bruce Willis you’ll be. This will also prevent razor burn.

Aveda

When it comes to aftershave products, especially for your head I’d steer clear of anything with alcohol, use products for sensitive skin. Like shaving your face, you have to do all the upkeep, like exfoliating. Aveda do a men’s exfoliating shampoo for about €20 (Aveda.com or your nearest department store) this will keep your head smooth and shiny and prevent any ingrown hairs.

If you only completely shave your head every now and again, as opposed to shaving your face almost daily, I’d recommend a light hair serum for your stubble. John Frieda’s Original Formula Hair Serum, would be one of my greatest recommendations for hair.

John Frieda

You can find it in your nearest pharmacy or grocery store for about €10. It has quite a thick texture so a little bit goes a long way.

So there you have it, hope that helps in your quest for a better bonce.

Thanks to Will Knott for the question, and if any one else has any questions about grooming or fashion, you know where I am.

Will.

Considering the day that’s in it, you’ve probably got the mother of all hangovers.  Paddy’s day will do that do you.

We sympathise here at Boob.ie because we know if you did things right yesterday you should be feeling at least some of the following:

• Bright lights will hurt.  To Gremlins, South African diamond slaves and Fritzl spawn, the morning sunlight might sting a bit.  Gettafuck.  Try opening the curtains before remembering to keep your eyes shut and they’ll be burned right out of your head faster than you can scream “Dear God, I’ve got retina cancer”.
• Your head will throb.  Like you’ve taken more of a pounding than Jordan’s vagine.  That’s a lot.
• You’ll have a funny taste in your mouth.  Funny strange, not funny ha ha.  Not that we’d know what it would taste like to teabag a Silverback Gorilla, but that’s what that taste is in your mouth.  Might have something to do with the garlic chilli cheese taco dinner box you had last night, which leads us onto your…
• Stomach.  Blinking causes you to dry wretch.  Actual moving will moisten that wretch up good and proper until you’ve pebble dashed all the surfaces around you.  It might look like garlic chilli cheese taco dinner box in reverse, but it smells like Benylin cough syrup.  That might have something to do with the round of jagerbomb strip Buckeroo you played last night and lost.
• The shakes.  So bad you consider Googling what Michael J Fox does to control his.
• The shits.  I know that’s crass, but there’s no other way to describe what happens when your body starts to evacuate through your rectum.  After wards you’ll feel as if you were rimmed by a thirsty camel.

Shut up ta fuck.

So what do we do to get rid of these horrible symptoms and begin to function as a normal human being again?  Luckily we’ve been around the block a few times.  Here are our gems of wisdom…

Do nothing.

It’s your God given right as a man to crawl your way from the toilet bowl to the couch and not move.  At all.  This gives you time for your second God given right as a man – feel sorry for yourself.  This gives your body time to get over the abuse from the night before.  Mugs of tea and cold Lucozade must be served by your significant other, even if they have a hangover.  It’s never as bad as yours, trust us on this.  And if they don’t take care of you in your hour of need, then you must leave their shit in black bags on the door step on your way out for a curer.

Have a fry.

Ah, there’s nothing like the Irish tradition of testing your body’s limits with alcohol abuse and then attempting to repair it with more abuse.  The full works of sausages, bacon, pudding, tomato, beans, mushrooms and runny eggs will do the trick.  Actually it won’t do fuck all.  At the very least it will make you vomit out your apendix proving that you’ve nothing else to throw up and making it safe to move again.

Hair of the dog.

Instead of going home at all, just kip in the doorway of the pub you fell out of.  When the doors open again, crawl your way back in and order a Bloody Mary.  The tomato juice will help balance out the acids in your stomach, helping you on your way to feeling normal again.  The Tobasco and Worchestershire will just take the shitty tomato juice taste off the tomato juice and the vodka is just a bonus.

Plink Plink Fizz.

Yup, the Alka Seltzer or the Andrews Liver Salts that everyone has in their house somewhere.  This is probably the best thing to do in all seriousness.  Alcohol causes dehydration, which is what gives you the headache and other shitty symptoms.  The fizzy slightly weird tasting solutions replace the salts that help hydration, and the water you need to take them with does the rest.  Team it up with a couple of Nurofen and Robert’s your Father’s brother.

Time travel.

Find yourself a mad white haired scientist, probably on Gumtree or Bendunne.com, and have him build you a time machine.  Then go back and stop yourself from coming up with a drinking game that involves playing Roxanne by The Police and throwing back a Goldschlager every time her name is sung.  If you time it correctly you’ll be able to visit yourself at the exact time that you convinced your conscience and your better judgement that making up the game “Whoever doesn’t finish their two Fat Frogs in under a minute is a gay burlesque rent boy” was not just a great idea, but will be remembered by history.  At least that way you won’t wake up face down in a urinal with no recollection of why there’s a condom between your bum cheeks.

Ew, there's probably old cigarette ends in that

The usual.

Who are we kidding?  You’re going to call in sick to work and sit on the couch in your duvet with nothing but closed curtains and remote controls around you.  Inbetween texts to equally hungover friends saying that you’ll never drink again, you’ll secretly be waiting for the right moment to reply with “Curer?  Ten minutes?  See you there, bring the Buckeroo”.

Never drink again?  Don’t be a silly sausage.

Before we start, I’m Will and I’ll be here every Wednesday to give you tips on fashion and grooming to help you look your best.  It won’t be all like the high end magazines who assume we have money to wipe our hoops with, I’ll be giving you tips that you can not only afford, but that are actually useful.  I’ll not write about anything I haven’t actually tried out myself.

So without further a doodoo:

The Perfect Shave:

I would say achieving the perfect shave is as hard as giving a woman an orgasm, but we all know women don’t have orgasms. Which is what all the girls tell me, that doesn’t tell me much about you lot.

But trust me, it’s not as difficult as it seems, and once you get into a routine of doing it, it won’t seem as time consuming as you think.

First off, what you need for the perfect shave -

A deep cleansing face wash.  (Avon’s “Deep Clean Face Wash” for men is savage and a steal at less than €5)  And don’t ask where you’re going to get that, your girlfriend, wife or mother will either have access to an Avon catalogue and rep, just ask.  They’ll giggle and think you’re less of a man, but we know it’s manly!

A foaming shave gel. A little goes a long way with foaming gels, and if trying a new brand always go for the ranges aimed at sensitive skin.

A Sharp Razor.  After spending millions on every brand of razor known to man, I recommend Gillette Fusion, you can’t go wrong.

An after shave balm. For the smooth like a babies bottom face, and also helps keeps those red bumps away.

An Exfoliator, this gets rid of dead skin cells and opens up your hair follicles to prevent ingrown hairs.

So this is what you do. While your having your steaming hot shower, give your face a good cleansing with your face wash.  The heat off the shower helps open your pores and soften your facial hair to make it easier to shave.

When you get out, apply your foam liberally to you face, and shave off. I can’t stress enough how important a sharp blade is on your razor, you’re skin will be even smoother and your less likely to nik yourself cause you won’t be hacking at your beard trying to shave it off.

Rinse off any leftover foam with some cool water, this will also close your pores.

Apply a generous amount of after shave balm. Mmmmmm so soft and smooth yeah?

Now you have to remember to exfoliate the next day, or even before you go to bed. This will get rid of any dead skin cells and prevent ingrown hairs.

Now if you’re the type of guy that maybe shaves once a week and likes a nice neat stubble, the new Babyliss i-trim is your only man.

Santa brought me one of these bad boys for Christmas and I love it.  Interchangeable heads for either beard trimming or shaving.  It can be adjusted to trim the hair from anywhere from .5mm to 15mm.  And if you’re just running out the door and want a quick once over, the shaving head comes in very handy.  Of course it doesn’t get as close as a wet shave, electric razors never do, but it’ll tidy you up.  Giving you the look that you’ve shaved, but still allowing you to have the trendy stubble that all women love to get burned with!

I can’t recommend this enough, you can either style your beard, goatee or whatever or just maintain your designer stubble.

Rechargeable, adjustable and a must have bit of man gear.

You’ll pick one up for less than €70, Argos is probably your best bet.  Sounds a bit steep, but it’s worth it.  Trust me.

But whatever way you choose to shave, I’d still recommend keeping up with the cleansing and moisturising and maybe exfoliate every other day, even if it sounds like a whole load of girlie gay shit to be doing, it’ll make for more comfortable shaves down the line.

That’ll do pig, for now.

I’ll be back soon with more tips and advice, if you’ve any questions or suggestions of your own, share them with us!

Will.

WARNING!

There follows a public service announcement from Boob.ie.  There is a lot of foul language, but we think it’s justified.

As you were.

This one is for the ladies. Women have no problem telling men what they should wear, how to style their hair and what kind of grooming products are trendy this week. Here is my turn at telling women just how shitty they look when actually they think they look the dogs bollocks.

You don’t look the dogs bollocks, you look like a pair of dogs bollocks. Bollocks that have been licked to submission. Bollocks that have been scraped across a living room carpet to satisfy an itchy dog’s balloon knot.

Some women think that by wearing fake tan they will automatically be transformed into looking like this insufferable cunt:

She doesn't look good. At all.

You just look like a cunt. Like a dried up, smelly never been used crusty nun’s cunt.

Women who wear fake tan look ridiculous, end of story. I have never seen a woman who wore fake tan and had such a convincing job done of it that someone would be heard to say: “Wow, have you been away in a hot sunny place for a month? Because you’re tan is amazing.”

You don’t. Every body instantly knows that you paid money to look like a sun dried pumpkin, worse still, you don’t smell like a sun dried pumpkin, rather like a pumpkin that was shat into by a hobo with diarrhea and a heavy dose of worms. I don’t know why worms would make it smell any worse, but lets face it, they couldn’t fucking help the situation.

It’s not only that, but the shit that you put on yourself actually looks terrible. Not only does every sad bitch who wears it, wears too much of it, but they never put it on properly. It goes streaky, streaky like an old page three that was used by a hobo with worms to wipe his arse after a particularly messy session. The most hideous thing of all are the knuckles and toes, when they’re bent in any way, you’re secret is blown. If the tan was natural, it wouldn’t have missed your fucking knuckles and toes. Or your elbows for that matter.

If you do this because you think it makes you more attractive, it doesn’t. If you think it makes you sexier, it doesn’t. I went into Ulster Bank on College Green two weeks ago through the Suffolk Street entrance, and there sitting at the new accounts desk was a girl that looked like somebody had scientifically found a way to animate an orange. She looked disgusting, and to exacerbate my feelings about fake tan, when I did a double take just to make sure I was seeing correctly, she caught me and thought I was checking her out. This obviously secured her thinking that she had succeeded in making herself irresistible to all men. My girlfriend used to use fake tan, until she learned of my feelings about the shit. Her and every other woman in existence is much better looking and desirable without it.
If you have ever been wearing high heels and had men turn around to see the woman wearing them, you will know how easily we can be affected by our impressions of what we have yet to see. We heard the heels and imagined that a hot chick was wearing them, if we see a horrible looking Jodie Marsh wannabe who is not only trying to keep her balance in shoes that were made for a porn star to bend over in, but is smeared in what looks like chimpanzee shit after a bad banana, we instantly could care less about your deep throat abilities. Ok, so that last bit is untrue, but what I’m trying to say is that you look like a cheap slapper.

I still would though

Don’t do it. The only way you could turn a man off more is by telling him that the reason you suck cock so well is because you used to have one. That and the fact that when you did, it was bigger than his, and it didn’t have that funny looking spot on it, that leaked a clear watery puss that smelled strangely like gone off toffee with the consistency of runny eggs. You know when an egg isn’t cooked all the way and the white is as runny as the yolk and it kind of looks like snot? Like that.

Have I made myself clear?

And as for any man who thinks he’s comforatable enough with his sexuality to sport a man tan, think again.

You look like a tool.  You smell like a tool and the only pussy you’ll ever see again will be on the Hello Kitty poster hanging on your wall.

Case in point

Please forward this to anyone you know who wears the stuff. Together we can put an end to it.

Together we can make the world a better place.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Boob.ie.

You’re welcome.

Now with new Skidguard® protection!

At some point as children we were all taught how to wipe our own bums. This training, whilst essential, was never really that intensive and the majority of parents were satisfied once the child was doing it by themselves, regardless of their poo-removal success rate. As children grow, so too does the importance of cleaning their butts properly, just ask anyone who spent some time as the “smelly kid” in their youth. No one likes the after-taste of crusty crap residue in their underwear.

With a lack of authoritative guidance on the issue, different people invariably devised their own techniques for minimising brown streaks in their pants. Some techniques work better in certain situations, so rather than using a one-size-fits-all arse cleaning strategy, we’ve devised for you a list of the common types of craps along with their most successful turd-tackling techniques.

1. The Loaf

Generally speaking, the loaf does not require a major clean up operation as it’s large size stretches the rectum nice and wide and it’s compacted formation means very little residue will rub off the inner cheeks as it exits. Toilet roll alone should be enough to conquer this clean up but if you find yourself dealing with a little more shit than expected, wet the toilet roll before wiping or, better yet, use some baby wipes if they are to hand.

2.  The Soft Snake

The soft snake can be either relatively easy or very, very hard to remove, depending on how you push it out. The soft snake, as it’s name suggests, is quite squishy and will leave a sticky residue on any surface it touches. Pushing slowly gives you more control over the shit, thereby preventing unwanted breakage but will result in additional rubbing on the inner cheeks. On the other hand, pushing hard will minimise rubbing but may lead to a sudden breakage in the snake, thereby running the risk of leaving a memoir dangling from your shit-hole. This can be frighteningly difficult to remove, depending on the adhesion rating of your turd.  Straight-up wiping is not advised as this will merely spread the shit up your crack and onto your cheeks. Twenty minutes, seven flushes and three rolls of toilet paper later you’ll emerge from the bathroom with a pain in your arm from wiping and a red-raw hole. Instead, try wrapping your hand in toilet roll and picking off the culprit whilst you are still seated. This should do the trick and leave you with a standard clean up op.

3. The A-bomb

Sometimes you may feel an extremely urgent need to hit the can accompanied by sharp pains in the lower abdomen. This is usually a sure sign that you are about to expel an A-bomb and care must be taken to reach a toilet… any toilet, as soon as is humanly possible. If there are no toilets nearby you must find a secluded location to do your business as holding onto the A-bomb can severely damage your intestines and cause all sorts of internal bleeding. At least that’s what it feels like. You’ll know the A-bomb by its distinct “my ass just vomited profusely” feeling you get and also the sound of gushing scutter hitting the bowl. Despite the initial mess created by this unfortunate act, the clean up can be relatively simple, owing to the fact that 75-90% of the emission is in liquid form. The key here to to stay seated on the toilet whilst you flush, standing up too early can cause some shit-drippings down your legs. After the first flush, gently remove your arse from the toilet and lift up the seat. Stick your arse back down, as far as possible into the bowl, and flush again. Repeat as required.  This action will remove all of the residue leaving you with a wet, but spanking (clean), arse. Just be careful whose towel you use to dry it…

4. The Double Whammy

This tricky little fecker often catches you by surprise, just as soon as you’ve wiped up and put your trousers back on, BOOM! There’s that feeling once again. Repeat trouser removal, sit back down and squeeze out the sequel. The clean up process largely depends on the poo-type (as above) however, pre-emptive measures can alleviate some, if not all, of the hard work. By applying a small amount of Vaseline* to your rectum after having a shit, you are taking out an insurance policy against occurrences like the Double Whammy or its more serious variant, the Mini-Series.

*Other oil and water-based lubricants, such as K-Y Jelly, should work equally well. Although it might result in some funny looks from those who share your toilet.

If you have any poo-tips or techniques not mentioned here, please share your insight with our readers by commenting below. Thank you.