With us all going health crazy in the New Year and spending our hard earned wages on over priced gym memberships I’ve made a list of Gym Bag Essentials that’ll help you look as good as you feel after your crazy workout. Just lash them all in your man bag, they’ll make you feel great and maybe even give you the confidence to chat up that busty blonde that was panting on the treadmill next to you.

First up and a pretty important one…Flip Flops

Fungal infections from manky shower rooms are not hot.

2-in-1 Hair and Body Wash

You can find one anywhere, and it’ll save you carrying around so many bottles. One with citrus notes will keep you feeling energised and refreshed.

Deep Cleansing Face Wash

After a hard workout, your pores are loaded with acne-inducing oil. Your post workout glow shouldn’t include spots. Use an oil-free wash to remove dirt, oil and dead skin. One that has aloe vera to sooth your skin and salicylic acid to prevent sweaty breakouts would be great.

Deodorant

We all know you need deodorant before and after you work out, but don’t go for any random, cheap deodorant. Opt for a super strength one with Eucalyptus or Tea Tree for a cooling effect.

Gym Bag Optional Extras

Hand Sanitizers and/or Sanitizing Wipes

Cause that filth merchant using the weights before you looks and smells like he hasn’t washed his hands or body in about a million years, and Coughy McPhlegm is hawking up crap all over the cross trainer.

Plasters

For those basterding blisters cause we’re so hardcore!

Muscle Rub / Pain Relieving Gel

For when you’ve twisted the wrong way during yoga or if you pull a hammy or something in the groin area….ouch! Grab some of that Nurofen pain relieving gel or some Deep Heat, I personally like Wiccy Magic Muscles from Lush as it does the job, smells manly and is less messy.  It has essential oils in it like cinnamon oil to warm the skin and peppermint to get the blood flowing. The oils sink in to the skin and start to give a relaxing warming sensation. It also has aduki beans that work and knead into the tired tissues and start to smooth out those knots. Any of these will help speed up recovery and have you back in top form for your next work out.

So basically cold weather makes your skin cold, this then means it will produce less oil, causing it to get all dry and flaky. This goes for your hair and lips too, jeez you’ll be dryer than a lesbian at a bukkake party.

Here are the some must haves that you’ll need to keep your skin all smooth and pretty manly. I’m not gonna promote any particular brands cause in the cold winter any products are better than no products.

First and foremost you’ll most definitely need a thick and creamy moisturiser. If the air is dry, your skin is dry. Lash loads on your face and neck in the morning and before you go to bed.

Since the cold weather already strips your skin of the essential oils it need, it’s best to swap your normal face wash for one with a moisturizer in it. Find one that’s designed to clean your pores out without drying out your skin even more

An exfoliator, if you don’t get rid of the dry, dead, flaky skin, you’re only wasting your moisturiser on it.  Exfoliate once if not twice a week.

Real soap strips your skin of its natural oils, use a moisturizing shower gel instead.

Be sure to replenish the moisture from your body, lost in your hot showers with a light body lotion. Apply it as soon as you dry off, or even better have a nice lady friend rub you down.

If you prefer a clean shaven look instead of some sexy stubble add even more moisture to your skin by using a shaving gel rich in aloe or cocoa butter to not only soften and moisturise, but to protect your skin from nicks, and razor burn.

Dry skin ages faster, it’s a proven fact, and if you do as I tell you and take care of your face you’ll stay youthful and wrinkle free forever! But even if you have the smoothest line free skin, your hands will always tell your age.

Frequent hand washing and exposure to the elements makes your hands more susceptible to dryness. You need to special attention to your hands, think of all the good things they do for you.

Try a hand cream with shea butter and vitamin b, it’ll provide maximum moisture. Also a hand cream with honey or almond extract will ease any pain caused by cracks and dryness.

Why not buy a small tube and lash some on underneath your fancy cashmere gloves, then just store it in your man bag. Too gay? No???

The ladies were shown photos of men’s faces altered to display different degrees of hairiness, and then they were asked to rate the looks based on different traits like masculinity, aggressiveness, attractiveness, and maturity.

Overall the girls rated light stubble as the most attractive, and that a man with it would be their ideal partner.

This doesn’t mean that you should ditch all the beard trimmers and grooming products and go all Santa-esque for Christmas because although full beards scored highest in masculinity and aggressiveness, they bottomed out as the least attractive.

The psychologists who conducted the study believe light stubble on men gives the ladies everything they desire, a strong, mature look that’s not overly masculine.

Light stubble gives us men a sharp appearance no matter what we wear. It accentuates the features and angles of our gorgeous faces.

To achieve the perfect Clooney like stubble you’ll need to create a line where the skin of your neck meets your chin, this is where you want the stubble to start. Use a beard trimmer to almost blend the line, you don’t want it to look too defined, you want your stubble it to look as natural as possible.

Light stubble is the perfect balance between rough and sleek. If you keep it neat and maintained you’ll have the perfect designer stubble that all chicks love to get burned with!

Sadly no amount of fancy products or manly stubble will ever make any of us look like George Clooney or Jason Statham, booerns…

If ladies’ bums were Cindy Crawford our bum holes would be her mole. Moley moley moley.

Anyway back to Toilet Yoga. What is Toilet Yoga? I hear you ask.

Toilet Yoga is a movement, because sometimes sh*t doesn’t happen!

The whole Toilet Yoga thing started off as a sim­ple con­cept…  People (people?? I think they mean boys) need to poop. Poop isn’t com­ing out. Man stretches, turns, reaches and twists. Poop comes out.  

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww knacker mankbags!

The people behind “the movement” don’t claim to be doc­tors or yoga prac­ti­tion­ers, but say they know a thing or two about reliev­ing your­self and wanna share their knowledge with the world.

The book con­tains fifteen yoga poses that work in var­i­ous sit­u­a­tions and loca­tions. The guide walks you through the move­ments so you can walk through yours (or sit). Depend­ing on your skill level, you may choose to start at a one bowl on our rat­ing scale, or if you’re feel­ing adven­tur­ous, move up to a three or four bowl move. As you progress through their teach­ings, you’ll be con­fi­dent that you can safely han­dle a five bowl manoeuvre.

*Vibratora begins to wonder how she went from writing about sex positions to poo positions*

*Vibratora realises she needs to get her kink back on*

You can order your very own copy of  Toilet Yoga now, here, and in time for Christmas too! Bet your Da would love a copy, he’s well filthy!

You can even get your swag on with some Toilet Yoga t-shirts too.

Check out the whole shabang, here, and you can join the Toilet Yoga Movement on the Facebook too, here.

That’s all the filth from me today folks, I’ll have something more dirrrrrty and less dirty for you soon.

*Vibratora arranges a “meeting” with a bi-curious busty blonde then grabs the steal wool and bleach and heads to the shower*

Here’s my list of home remedies that every man should know.

There’s been many a time when I’ve ran out of some fancy product and have had to go rooting around for a cheap sollution, and trust me, these work.

Milk for Razor Burn/Shaving Rash

Soak a clean face cloth in some cold milk and gently pat the affected areas. The coolness will help reduce swelling, and the lactic acid in the milk has anti-inflammatory properties. Rinse off by splashing cool water on your face.

Honey for Cuts and Scrapes (only cause you’re a wussy and can’t handle the pain/blood)

Honey will stop the bleeding, stop bacteria spreading, and soothe the area.

Garlic for Aches and Pain

Two cloves of garlic puréed into a glass of milk twice a day does wonders for aches and muscular pain. It tastes manky but is as effective (if not better) as painkillers.  Actually lads I’ll happily massages those muscles for you.

Essential Oils for Hair Loss

Equal parts of lavender, almond and sesame oil, massaged onto your scalp can help prevent premature hair loss, and the massaging of the oils works the hair follicles to help speed up hair growth. Do this once every one to two weeks, it’ll also make your hair soft and silky, that’ll make all the bitches so jealous!

Olive Oil for Dry Skin

Olive oil is quite similar to your own skins natural oils. Your skin can become dry from anything from harsh soap to cold weather. Put a few drops of olive oil onto clean hands and rub it into your skin. This will soften your skin and form a protective moisture barrier. Well moisturised skin will also mean less wrinkles. Score!

Tea Tree Oil for Spots

This is my MUST HAVE must have! Lash it onto spots before you go to bed and they’ll be gone the next morning. Just shut up and trust me.

Baking Soda for Smelly Shoes

Sprinkling some baking soda in your manky shoes every now and again will neutralize bad odours. Remember to shake out the excess baking soda before you wear your shoes.

Cider Vinegar for Smelly Pits

Sometimes your trusty can of Lynx just won’t cut it! Sweat isn’t what makes you smelly its actually bacteria, ya feckin knacker!

Dip your face cloth into cider vinegar and rub it under your arms. The acidity will kill all that gross bacteria dead!  Don’t worry about smelling like a chipper, the strong scent of vinegar goes away pretty quickly, but still does the job. Stick on some roll on deodorant on top if you’re a bit self conscious.

See how I made this post sexy for all you heteros, how sweet am I? (Girls…..Yuck!)

I was thinking, what do these boys know, and what should they know? Then I was thinking surely we need some up to date sexy tips and tricks.

So here goes it, listen up, take note and thank me later.

A woman’s sensitivity changes the more arroused she gets. So experiment, don’t just concentrate on one area, move around and use codes with each other like “up” or “down” and vary the pressure, this can be quite a sexy tease too.

Lads, during sex, ye tend to focus on just getting the job done. Now before you start bitching and moaning I’ll put in terms that you’ll understand, imagine asking her for some “hand fun” and all she literally does is wrap her hand around it and wait, do you like that? Her mind will start to wander and fantasising will lead to distraction and basically you’ll never get the job done. Things as simple as kissing, naughty talk or some sexy whispers can help speed up the process. Dirrty talk always works for me.

It’s always been thought that the man takes the lead during sex, yeah right I’d like to see that happen!  Well for you normal non-nympho folks why not let her control the pace and intensity. The more fun it is for her the better you’ll be rewarded.

Different touches and different pressue equal different results. How to put this in a way you’ll understand, her different bits down there are basically all connected so touching one might arrouse the others, make sense? Have you checked out the area between her clitoris and vagina, located near the entrance to her urethra.I’ll stop where I am cause most of you don’t even know where the clitoris is, but for those of you who do, try rubbing this area with your finger using soft circular motions, it’s pretty damn hot!

If you’ve waited so that you can both climax together, slowing down and pulling back when she’s close and then resuming can enhance orgasm. It’s all about the suspence, and this will drive her wild and your orgasm will be crazy good!

Yes, yes I know I rock.

Kisses xx

To know exactly how to survive Oxegen, or any big music festival for that matter, Maxi and AwesomeSean have come together (oo-er missus) to bring you a proper and experienced guide to surviving everything that can be thrown at you.

Do not bring good clothes as they will either get beer, puke, blood or all of the above on them. Sure there’ll be people there who will be treating the event like a poxy fashion show, but just turn up with a one day supply of clothes.  By the end of the first day you can collect all the stuff that people have lost or forgotten about like a smelly magpie hobo.  Or just turn up in a mankini and be done with it.  The stares will only last until you’ve been accepted as the festival mascot and the men get you drunk and the wimmin pleasure you with their drunk best mate.

See some bands you have never heard of. They could become one of your favourites. Unless you’re at Slane ’98 and Macy Gray swaggers onto the stage only to be booed off so that she fucks the mic into the crowd in a huff and storm off.  She was no one’s favourite that day.  True story.

Don’t bring lager, everyone knows lager is horrible when it’s warm. If you are going to bring lager then bring Heineken, they have Heineken cold room that you can bring your cans to be cooled.  We doubt they’ll chill your cans of Dutch Gold or Tuborg though.

Put everything in black plastic bags to waterproof them. Even your sleeping bag when you are asleep in case water gets in.  Just think of yourself as a giant knob and wetness as festival herpes.  You don’t want to get herpes, do you?  Rubber yourself up.

When you get there and have everything set up, put a change of clothes in a black bag and tie it up. DO NOT use these until the last day when you’re going home. The last thing you want is to take the long journey home cold, wet and dirty.  Or failing that, just stroke someone else’s bag of dry swag and you’ll be sorted.  Worst case scenario is that you end up going home in some inner city girls’ good day time pyjamas.  And sure she’s got loads of them anyway.

But on the off chance that they can, we like to be prepared, and in turn make sure that you dear reader are prepared also.

It’s not every day that a woman gives herself the privilege to have us poke around like a blind kid looking for a purple Smartie, but when she does decide to treat herself, we’ll be ready.

Know your woman

Well, we won’t get into this really, you don’t actually have to know her.  It’s actually better if you don’t know her name.  It’s like when you see that stray around the estate.  It’s a sad looking thing, and you throw it a scrap every now and again.  It wags its tail when he sees you, but you don’t get attached because you don’t know its name.

Then one day you call it Scrappy.  You’re now emotionally involved.

Now some of you may think that I’m being incredibly chauvinistic and comparing women to dogs, but that’s not the case at all.

Besides, if you set out to pleasure the dog and failed, you’d question your abilities.  But those fuckers will wag their tail at anything.

Nuff said.

Get fore playing

Fore play is something that women will make you agree to.  You can try to refuse but you’ll be faced with sighs of frustration and comments like “Jaysis I’m drier than a nun at a gloryhole, spit on your finger or something first”.

Now there are some grey areas in the law surrounding sexual assault, but we have it on good authority from Rapey Trev that if you shout “SURPRISE” first, then it’s safe.  For you.

But that might not work with the average wimmin.  So instead we suggest asking her about her day.  Careful though, it’s going to be boring and drawn out and will contain tons of “she said”, “and then I went”, “so then she goes”, and our favourite “she’s a fat insufferable cunt anyway”.

Might sound interesting, but once you nod from time to time and say something like “OMG, you’re so right” she’ll never notice that you’re actually playing Angry Birds.  She’ll also be so impressed and shocked in equal measure that you seem to be listening that you’ll be able to hear her knickers getting moist.

Some women like to have their ears nibbled and their necks kissed, this is because they watch things like Twilight and want to be ravaged by a nerdy pasty vampire teenager.  Yeah, well we want to do the blue chick from X-Men and have her turn into Kate Upton or the blue chick from Avatar, or at the very least stay as she is and get all freaky on our man bits.  But that’s not going to happen.

So you could waste valuable energy on doing that, or you could just play her a trailer for a new Twilight film.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Sorted.

Not likely.

What women don’t realise however is that there’s a fine art to Beating the Bishop. We don’t just go at it hammer and thongs until we grunt and spurt out our precious love juice… we are committed to experimentation, and are constantly finding different ways to change our oil. Here is our list of the various ways men like to spread their seed into the world…..