WARNING!
There follows a public service announcement from Boob.ie. There is a lot of foul language, but we think it’s justified.
As you were.
This one is for the ladies. Women have no problem telling men what they should wear, how to style their hair and what kind of grooming products are trendy this week. Here is my turn at telling women just how shitty they look when actually they think they look the dogs bollocks.
You don’t look the dogs bollocks, you look like a pair of dogs bollocks. Bollocks that have been licked to submission. Bollocks that have been scraped across a living room carpet to satisfy an itchy dog’s balloon knot.
Some women think that by wearing fake tan they will automatically be transformed into looking like this insufferable cunt:
She doesn't look good. At all.
You just look like a cunt. Like a dried up, smelly never been used crusty nun’s cunt.
Women who wear fake tan look ridiculous, end of story. I have never seen a woman who wore fake tan and had such a convincing job done of it that someone would be heard to say: “Wow, have you been away in a hot sunny place for a month? Because you’re tan is amazing.”
You don’t. Every body instantly knows that you paid money to look like a sun dried pumpkin, worse still, you don’t smell like a sun dried pumpkin, rather like a pumpkin that was shat into by a hobo with diarrhea and a heavy dose of worms. I don’t know why worms would make it smell any worse, but lets face it, they couldn’t fucking help the situation.
It’s not only that, but the shit that you put on yourself actually looks terrible. Not only does every sad bitch who wears it, wears too much of it, but they never put it on properly. It goes streaky, streaky like an old page three that was used by a hobo with worms to wipe his arse after a particularly messy session. The most hideous thing of all are the knuckles and toes, when they’re bent in any way, you’re secret is blown. If the tan was natural, it wouldn’t have missed your fucking knuckles and toes. Or your elbows for that matter.
If you do this because you think it makes you more attractive, it doesn’t. If you think it makes you sexier, it doesn’t. I went into Ulster Bank on College Green two weeks ago through the Suffolk Street entrance, and there sitting at the new accounts desk was a girl that looked like somebody had scientifically found a way to animate an orange. She looked disgusting, and to exacerbate my feelings about fake tan, when I did a double take just to make sure I was seeing correctly, she caught me and thought I was checking her out. This obviously secured her thinking that she had succeeded in making herself irresistible to all men. My girlfriend used to use fake tan, until she learned of my feelings about the shit. Her and every other woman in existence is much better looking and desirable without it.
If you have ever been wearing high heels and had men turn around to see the woman wearing them, you will know how easily we can be affected by our impressions of what we have yet to see. We heard the heels and imagined that a hot chick was wearing them, if we see a horrible looking Jodie Marsh wannabe who is not only trying to keep her balance in shoes that were made for a porn star to bend over in, but is smeared in what looks like chimpanzee shit after a bad banana, we instantly could care less about your deep throat abilities. Ok, so that last bit is untrue, but what I’m trying to say is that you look like a cheap slapper.
I still would though
Don’t do it. The only way you could turn a man off more is by telling him that the reason you suck cock so well is because you used to have one. That and the fact that when you did, it was bigger than his, and it didn’t have that funny looking spot on it, that leaked a clear watery puss that smelled strangely like gone off toffee with the consistency of runny eggs. You know when an egg isn’t cooked all the way and the white is as runny as the yolk and it kind of looks like snot? Like that.
Have I made myself clear?
And as for any man who thinks he’s comforatable enough with his sexuality to sport a man tan, think again.
You look like a tool. You smell like a tool and the only pussy you’ll ever see again will be on the Hello Kitty poster hanging on your wall.
Case in point
Please forward this to anyone you know who wears the stuff. Together we can put an end to it.
Together we can make the world a better place.
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Boob.ie.
You’re welcome.
