“No Thanks. … Just Sniffing.”
“I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.”
“Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.”
“No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.”
“Me Ma will love this!”
“Will you model this for me???”
“Does this come in children’s sizes?”
“Oh no, I’ll never fit into that.”
“€50?? Are you joking? She’s just gonna end up NAKED anyway!”
“You’ll never get your fat ass into that dear.”
V.
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
‘Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.’
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn’t help but wonder…
What the hell does ‘ternative’ mean?
There’s one thing Katie Price hasn’t fucked that we’d love to see her do.
Off.
“iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful.” My laptop developed an eating disorder because of that advert.
Getting a tactical nuke on Call of Duty is the best feeling in life.
Much better than having sex.
Probably.
I came home drunk last night, crept up the stairs, slowly got into bed and then started to rub my wife’s cock.
That’s when I thought, ‘I don’t even live at number 15′.
My girlfriend found my porn collection the other day. Sobbingly she said, “The worst thing is, none of these women even look like me!”
To which I replied, “Well of course not, you’ve got all your limbs.”
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
I said, “Okay, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
Via Sickipeda
Can be heard muttering "Fuck Morgan Spurlock" every 4 minutes.
Go faster. Faa-aa-aa-aa-aaster!
A truck driver is heading down the motorway when he sees a hitch hiker, it’s pissing rain so he decides to pick him up. With the hitch hiker on board, the truck driver turns and asks him if he wants to see something cool.
“Sure”, says the hitch hiker and with that the driver snaps his finger and a monkey appears from the back of the cab.
With that, the driver smacks the monkey on the head and the monkey proceeds to give him a blowjob.
“Fancy getting in on some of this?” asks the driver.
“Ok”, says the hitch hiker.
“Just don’t hit me so hard”
From Dave via email
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says,
“Here, I got this here cheque to lodge and I’ll be fucked if I am going to wait in this poxy fucking queue and longer.”
“Please”, says the woman. “I won’t have that kind of language in this bank.”
“Well excuse me, but this fucking cheque isn’t making me any fucking interest with you yapping away about my fucking language.”
“Sir, I don’t have to take this abuse” she says.
“Well then let’s get the fucking manager okay? I mean what kind of fucking shit is this I have to take from you?”
The manager is summoned, and says “What seems to be the problem?”
The woman says, “This man is using vulgar language and I won’t stand for it.”
The man says “Hey all I’m trying to do in this fucking bank, for fuck”s sake is deposit this fucking cheque for 15 million fucking euro.”
The manager looks at the cheque and then at the man and says “And this fucking bitch won’t help you?”
From Laura via email
I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, “I think my boobs are too small, I’m going to get a boob job.”
“Hmm,” I replied, “my hands are too small… what do you think I should do?”
“Do you want a hand job?”
She’s a keeper.
Aoife via email
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, ” Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
Chris via email
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
“Okay,” I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never gonna give you Up.”
Sean via email
Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: “I had sex last night, did you?”
Woman 2: “Yes.”
Woman 1: “Was it good?”
Woman 2: “No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?”
Woman 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!”
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: “You wanted sex last night, how was it?”
Husband 2: “Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?”
Husband 1: “It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!”
Via Sickipedia
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Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
“You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
“What,” the other asks, “green?”
“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”
From John via email
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
“Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea!”
From Brian via email
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.
The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”
Via anonymous email (Wonder why)
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
From Barry via email
I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”
So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”
Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: “In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”
So I said: “I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”
At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.
So I stood up and said: “Fuck it, come on kids we’re leaving.”
Via Sickipedia
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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: ‘I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!’
From Paul via email
A pirate walks in a bar wearing a steering wheel on his cock.
The bartender asks him, “do you know you have a steering wheel on your cock.”
To which the pirate exclaims, “aargh… its driving me nuts.”
From anon via email
A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend on their bed, crying.
He asks his girlfriend “what’s wrong?”
She looks at him and says in disgust, “I know the truth about you…” she sobs and continues, “I know
you’re a PAEDOPHILE!”
The man walks up to her and hugs her, then he says “Honey, I’m so proud of you ‘pedophile’ is such a big word for a 10 year old.”
Ciara via text
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
“You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
“What,” the other asks, “green?”.
“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”
Dave via email
Man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a huge hole in my ass”
The doctors says “drop your pants, bend over and let have a look”. “Fuck me!!” says the doctor ” what could have made a hole as big as that?”
Patient replies I’ve been fucked by an elephant”.
The doctor says “An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous”.
Patient replies “He fingered me first”.
Rob via email
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”
She says, “Smell the rim.”
Sean via email
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of vanilla ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.
Via Sickipedia
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Its Summer, “the sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them – as is my understanding…” and we all know there’s nothing better than relaxing with a bottle or two….except when its 8am and you’ve just woken up! After about an hours sleep, I was gently awoken at 8am by my mother announcing that there was a package for me. Excited, if not a bit confused, I pulled myself out of bed and read the label on this suspicious postal present:
A little too neat for the postman...
“Hmm, seems a bit strange”, I thought to myself, “Fuck it, at least it’s not another depressing bank statement.” So I slowly peeled back the opening of package to find a warm bottle of ‘Rachmaninoff Vodka Ice’ staring back at me…
Disrespect...complete with straw!
I had just been ICED and as it turned out, so had about 5 other of my friends!
As defined by the almighty Wikipedia:
“Icing is a drinking game in which an individual or a group of individuals coerce another into drinking a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. Participants are encouraged to come up with elaborate ways to present the Smirnoff Ice to their targets by hiding bottles in inconspicuous locations. Humor, irony, and humiliation are also highly encouraged.”
Its a cruel, cruel game that started in America with two simple rules:
The cheap bastards didn’t even have the decency to use an actual Smirnoff Ice…but an Icing is an Icing. I got down on one knee in my front room and downed it like the whore I am. I’m not a huge fan of alcopops or drinking at 8am…but a game is a game, and I’m not losing.
IT’S ON!
If you ever get Iced, you can blame these people and your dickhead friends. Remember to take a picture, this is a game after all…someone has to win! I can see this getting out of hand very quickly.
Send your pics to: inbox@boob.ie
When he was alive my Grandad was a disgusting old pervert who abused me.
I’d piss on his grave if I didn’t know it would turn him on.
I’ve been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.
There’s been quite a few near Mrs.
I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him.
He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it…
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”
What fun that was…
Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother.
She didn’t laugh when I said that she’d probably made a fair few of mine too.
Walked past a restaurant last night and on the window it said – ‘Order anything you want, if we don’t have it, we’ll pay you £500′.
Went in and ordered ‘Giraffes kneecaps on toast’.
A short while later, the waiter returned with a cheque for £500 in my name and said “It’s your lucky day, we’re out of bread”
My wife asked me about the cut on my finger.
“Oh, that,” I said. “I was cutting up some string using the scissors.”
She said, “That was clumsy.”
I said, “Yeah. Anyway, are you looking forward to your sky dive tomorrow?”
If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.
My mate’s getting married next week. I text him yesterday and jokingly asked,
“So then mate, how many bridesmaids will i be shagging on saturday then 
”
He replied,
“Sorry mate but the only bridesmaids are Sarah’s 6 year old niece, my 10 year old god daughter and her baby sister!”
Three then.
Typical women.
My girlfriend bores me rigid every night telling me about every intricate detail of her day.
I couldn’t give a fuck about how long you were playing in the sandpit, and yes that’s a shit finger painting.
I scared my girlfriend whilst driving too fast the other day and found her fear quite amusing.
She said, “You won’t be laughing if you crash because then you’ll have a crippled girlfriend.”
I said, “No I wouldn’t, I’d have a crippled ex-girlfriend.”
Whoever said getting your heart broken is the worst feeling ever has never had their finger rip through the toilet paper when wiping their arse.
You a funny guy? Here to fucking amuse us? Share it with the world – inbox@boob.ie
This new “in private” browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.
I was watching porn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
First my wife said she’d lost her lipstick, then she couldn’t find her mascara and now she’s looking for her blusher.
I wish she’d mind her fucking makeup.
My wife told me that if I could make her come five times with my tongue then she would let me fuck her up the arse.
I’ve just called her in from the kitchen for the third time and the silly cunt still hasn’t twigged.
Me and the wife’s marriage has been on the rocks ever since we moved into our new lighthouse.
My wife said to me, “I’ve just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight.”
I said, “That’s brilliant news. Let’s celebrate by moving to Australia.”
I love it when the ice cream van starts coming round – I can see what’s on offer for the long summer months.
And which of them can deep throat a Mini Milk.
I stopped at a service station and asked the cashier at the window for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.
Fucking smart arse.
‘Mystery of bullet found in head’
I’m no expert but I think it might have been put there via some sort of gun.
I walked into a shop and bought a bottle of baby oil, a pack of condoms, a bottle of value vodka and a pack of Haribo. The lady said, “Look, I’m sorry but I just can’t serve you that, I’m calling the police.”
I raged at her, “Just because I order these items, doesn’t mean you have to jump to the worst conclusions!”
She calmly replied, “Actually, I’m afraid we do Mr Glitter.”
How does Stephen Hawking close his windows?
Alt + F4
MSN News: “Ethiopia’s oldest living person dies” … on average every 45 minutes.
I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.
She loved me wrong time.
My Asian girlfriend says I grow impressive herbs.
She love me long thyme.
All day I’ve been pretending I’m different types of wood.
I’m board now.
Via email and Sickipedia
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It’s amazing, these people on the bus actually think I’m being thoughtful by letting them off first…
…when I’m really buying some time to hide this unwanted erection.
I travelled to Japan last year and got myself a discount prostitute.
She loved me moderate time.
My wife just ran off with my new best friend.
I have not met him yet, but I can’t wait to shake his hand.
My dog can lick his own balls.
I don’t care how much he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.
BBC News: Nigerian President Umaru Yar’Adua has died after an illness.
I was devastated to hear this. He was supposed to be paying me thirty-four million pounds tomorrow.
In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,
“I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”
I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”
Carlsberg don’t do fat, ugly, vulnerable birds who are getting more and more desperate by the second in the realization that they’ll be going home alone tonight, unlike all of her friends,
But I do.
I clicked on a link saying ‘Bald and Barely Legal’ yesterday. Unzipping and firming up, I waited for the page to load.
It was a Department of Transport website about car tyres.
I was alarming holiday goers on a nudist beach, walking around with an erection.
One woman said; “Won’t you think of the children?”
I said “That’s the fucking problem in the first place.”
I was hanging around a playground yesterday. Apparently I was arousing suspicion.
Stupid name, I know. But she’s got a nice arse.
I’ve started calling my wife “Batwoman”
She’s not superhuman or sexy, she’s just been hanging from the ceiling for a while.
I was teaching my son how to high-five earlier.
….whilst we were spit roasting his sister.
Via Sickipedia
I had sex with a girl called Intel last night.
I fucked her up her bum… bum bum bum bum.
Was flicking through the channels last night when I stumbled upon two things of interest – the Liverpool game and porn.
Faced with this dilemma, I asked the missus which I should watch – the footy or the porn.
She replied “The porn – you know how to play football.”
The bitch.
The Boomerang.
A frisbee for ginger kids.
I can’t see an end.
I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore.
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, “Don’t stare at her tits, don’t stare at her tits.”
Then she said, “Don’t stare at whose tits?”
Michael O’Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
“That will be one Euro please.” says the barman.
“That’s a very fair price.” replies O’Leary.
“Would you like a glass with that sir?” asks the barman.
Fans of T.V show Glee have started calling themselves “Gleeks.”
Personally, I prefer the term “Cunts.”
My son has really been pissing me off recently by using American words and phrases.
He calls orange juice, “OJ”, and repeatedly uses words like “awesome” and “bro”.
So, I thought, “Well if he wants to feel American, I’ll help him do it properly.”
So I walked into his school today and shot him and six of his classmates dead.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
And that, your honour, is why I was at the border shooting at illegal immigrants – to deter the rest.
Via Sickipedia
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