We never tell them properly mind, and when we mess up the timing it makes us look silly, but that’s ok because there’s jelly in the tree.

See what I did there?  Misdirection, I took the audience one way and then changed direction with some surreal humour.

We like to have fun here, it’s what we do.

Here’s some jokes from other people who actually know what they’re doing:

Always wanted to fuck royalty.

I walked into the porn shop this morning I said, “Three of your filthiest porn mags please, mate.”

He said, “Have you got anything in mind?”

I said, “Yes, I’m going to have a wank.”

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said – Watch out, I’m a maneater!

I went up to her and said “Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan.”

She stopped me and angrily said “Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I’ve eaten?! Well I can’t help my size you know!”

I said “Actually no, I wasn’t going to say that at all.”

She looked happier and smiled as she said “Oh yes, what did you want to say then?.”

“That’s not how you spell Manatee.”

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

“Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?” I winked.

“Oh yes, definitely,” she giggled.

“Thanks,” I replied. “You’re making me and the lads a little sick.”

(That’s two fat bird jokes in a row, will we make it a hat trick or leave it alone?  Read on you inquisitive little monkeys)

I fucked a fat chick in an elevator last night.

It was wrong on so many levels.

(Yup, we did)

One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway.

Curious, he decided to go inside and look around. As he approached the counter, the woman behind told him they were doing a special on Voodoo Dolls.

The Pope thought for a few moments and told the woman he would like to buy one. She then informed him he would need to get the hair of the person he would like the doll to represent. He plucked some hair from his head and handed it over the counter. “You want a doll of yourself?” she asked. The Pope nodded and soon left with his doll.

The next day the Pope was visiting the victim of abuse at one of his churches. Producing the doll he said to the child, “Show me on the doll where the naughty priest touched you.”

Say what you want about sad men fucking sex dolls, this would get it before any voodoo doll. Unless it was a Christina Ricci Sex Doll, then shit would get real.

To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

There’s nothing worse than walking in on your mum having a shit…

On your dad.

I walked into work and said to my boss, “Sorry I’m a few minutes late, my sister was raped this morning.”

“Is she alright?” he asked.

I said, “Yeah, not bad at all.”

And on that note, a bit of Baman and Piderman!

Click here to view the embedded video.

I’m having no more of it.Never again will a woman declare that we don’t know where the clitoris or g-spot is, it doesn’t exist or at least one of us would have found it by now.

So when this infographic landed in my inbox I just had to promise to put it up.  As much as our resident sexpert Vibratora reckons she knows about sex, I guarantee that she can’t come up with as many things on a list that us men do wrong in bed.

Women’s lib?  Do me a flavour, it’s time for some payback.

Finally.

(Click it if you need to see it bigger.  That’s what she said.  But after this number of strikes, she should keep comments like that to herself.)

Booya!

VIA

Yes it’s incredibly sexist in parts, or at least you’ll think that if you’re a girl, but I’ll apologise when I get an equally honest and concise retort from a female contributor/reader.

But if you’re the worrying kind, this list might be what’s getting you down in the last few days of your existence.

Shit for dinner again

You’re a simple being, annoying the piss out of anyone trying to have a lie in by flying in their bedroom window and then instantly forgetting how to get back out again, banging into the window over and over again then landing and making the poor sleepy bastard think that you’ve pissed off only to start from scratch.  Why can’t you just catch a break?

You’re out hard working all day to provide for your maggots and wife when you get home to find that there’s another pile of shit on the table for dinner.

Not like you or me when our missus makes dinner or whatever she can muster up and it’s a pile of shit, but an actual pile of shit on a plate.

And the rest of them have already picked the nuts out, leaving you with shit all but shit.

Boo fucking urns.

Having to vomit on your shit dinner to eat it

Did you know that you can’t eat anything until you vomit on it first when you’re a fly?

Om nom nom nom nom

“Get the fuck out of town you crazy fat tit sucking nut job” is what you’d be forgiven for thinking when you hear that for the first time, but it’s true.  As totally whack as it is to think that you have to eat your dinner as a confused bulimic, that’s what flies have to look forward to for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Well, you know what they say – The only thing better than a plate of shit is a plate of shit with sick all over it.

Fuck you Jamie Oliver.

I mean, even I have somewhat of a name for being of the pervy persuasion.  I know, close your mouth, I’m as shocked as you are.  But we wipe the tears of sadness away and we move on with life.Anyway, there’s a lot of people out there with more filth on their hard drives than a single SD card than I have on a pallet of hard drives in storage off the M50.

So don’t go judging me just because I like the odd lesbian midget gangbang bus.  Well I say a bus, but a Micra would do it.

Then I got thinking that it must be awfully depressing to be the laptop/PC of a pervert.  Not everyone gets to be the laptop of a celebrity like Gary Glitter.

Here’s some things you’d hate about being the computer of a pervert.

Full of viruses

Being a pervert means that you treat your internet connection like your winky.  You’ll stick it everywhere without protection.

Unless that means of course that you find a site that specialises in un-monitored chat rooms with lax security, then you’re all over that like the crack whore you got to nosh you off for 75 cents.

Good times, right?

Wrong, before you know it you’ll have more viruses than a third world baby.  There are two kinds of pervert in the world -

1.  The kind who has no anti-virus on his computer whatsoever and ends up bringing it to PC World for a fix in a panic

2.  The kind who is so protected that he employs a wizard to stand by his modem and shake a stick and any possible malicious software that might try to enter

I’m the latter.  My wizard is called Trevor and he’s the bomb.

But imaging you’re the poor computer, always suffering from the shivers more than Michael J Fox bringing his milkshake to the yard and more sniffles than something really sniffly and more of a fever than something really feverish.

I’d not like it one single bit.  Because then you’d have to put up with things like McAfee making you slower than the smelly kid down the back of the class, and Window’s firewall that’s not so much a firewall as it is a crayon drawing of a burned out match.

The life of a pervert’s computer isn’t an easy one.

Sticky

With much masturbation to pregnant amputees in loose stockings comes sticky responsibility.  If you’re sat on a couch surrounded by crumpled tissues, socks for when the tissues run out, the corner of the curtains for when the socks run out and some Windolene and a squigee for cleaning your screen then it’s safe to say you’re owned by a pervert.

You'll look like this except you'll be a computer. A cumputer if you will. See what I did there?

Hate that.

Anyway to help cope with the grief, I decided to cheer myself up with some jokes, and since sharing is caring, I thought I’d share them with all of you. Enjoy!

Warning if you don’t like jokes and can’t handle sick jokes then please move on, we won’t be too hurt.

I was in bed and nudged my wife awake.

“Love, I’ve got a hard-on.”

“Oh, so you thought you’d wake me up for a shag?”

“No, I thought you could fuck off while I have a wank.”

My girlfriend has just told me she is coming off the pill because it is making her fat.

How fucking many was she eating?

Either my Dad has a MASSIVE cock, or my sister has tiny hands.

At last I’ve found a product which totally eliminates the craving for cigarettes.

Heroin

Saw a chameleon today.

So I guess it’s safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon

Dear Genitals,

Thanks for not bleeding every month.
You’re the best.

Sincerely
A Man

“Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro”

Thank you – I can tell you your English result already if you want.

A lot of fans are complaining that the new Spiderman is going to be mixed race.

Of course he bloody is, he’s half man/half spider!

What’s the best thing about being ginger?

You know you weren’t adopted!

You know your porn habit is getting out of hand when you have a wank on your girlfriend, and it feels like you’re cheating on your laptop.

What do black people and dinosaurs have in common?

Not enough.

I don’t like talking dirty during sex.

I don’t want my kids picking up bad language.

It’s a sad day for mankind when you Google ‘Hardcore Domination’ and the results direct you to Call of Duty.

Oh and because I am such a caring guy, here’s a gallery of some very pretty nurse ladies.

*Warning- Offensive subject matter to follow. Don’t read on if you’re easily offended….or can’t read… Cos that’d be a bit pointless… in fact if you can’t read then you don’t even know what I’m writing right now… Unless you have a special carer who reads things out loud for you… but why the hell would you have a carer that watches boob.ie with you? I hope she’s polish and hot… and helps you with some light hand relief on boobie tuesday… in fact give her my number I could do with an assisstant myself… unless it’s a dude… that’d be a bit weird… hang on I’ve lost my train of thought here… oh yeah… sick jokes… here you go… *

What do Ethiopian children do in their sleep?

Starve

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

I’m sorry the above two jokes were far too racist. I actually love black people…

I think everyone should have one.

Did you hear Helen Keller’s dog killed himself?

I mean I would too if MY name was “Nmfhhhhghhhhh”

If Helen Keller was a psychic, would she have a fourth sense?

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

Give her a shovel

Did you hear they’ve found a cure for Cancer?

Suicide

So I was eating my Grandma out the other day. After I got a mouthful of donkey sperm I thought to myself…“So that’s what killed you Grandma!”

What’s faster than a speeding bullet?

Not Norwegian people.

“They tried to make me go to rehab I said…

Nothing cos I’m dead.”

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One’s a superhero… the other’s an instruction!

What’s the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of cocaine fall out a window

What’s one of the worst things about shagging an 8 year old?

Getting blood on your clown costume

Why is it hard to confuse an aborted foetus?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday!

What’s 16 inches long and makes women scream at night?

Cot death

COLLEGEGUY’S ABORTION CLINIC- “YOU RAPE EM, WE SCRAPE EM!”

I’ve just left a tribute outside Amy’s flat… it’s last year’s Christmas tree.

It’s 5 foot tall, dead, and has needles everywhere

Mmm, incest.

Well, I only have brothers, so I won’t be doing the incest, who am I, Jedward?

Nah, if I had a hot sister and a kind of hot mother then I’d be sure to get in there and have them swing off my crystal, if you know what I mean.

Here’s some jokes.

I was in the queue in Tesco and the woman in front was joined by her mum with another basket of shopping.

“Fuck’s sake,” I muttered under my breath, “take all day why don’t you.”

She turned on me. “If that’s all you have to worry about I feel sorry for you. I’m dying of cancer you know!”

“In that case,” I snapped, “you of all people should understand the need to get a fucking move on.”

My wife and I once auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent.

Simon said, “What is your act?”

I said, “Magic.”

He said, “Okay, so what are you both going to do?”

I said, “We are going to make a child disappear into thin air.”

He said, “Have you ever done this before?”

I said, “Yes, once.”

He said, “Okay Gerry and Kate, good luck.”

They say that every man has a deep down sexual desire to fuck their mother.

Must admit,that urn has looked pretty tempting on lonely nights

I dumped my girlfriend this morning and walked out quicker than you can say, “Found a pregnancy test kit in the bathroom cabinet that wasn’t there yesterday.”

A guy was chatting up a girl in the pub. He was using classic chat up lines such as,“hey baby, did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?”

The girl, clearly unimpressed, carries on and reads her book.

“Have you heard the joke about my dick? Don’t worry, its too long.”

The woman finally snaps and says “have you heard the joke about my pussy? Don’t worry, you won’t get it.”

A gay wizard walks into a bar and disappears with a poof.

I went for a self-defence class last night.

The instructor said, “I want you to take me by surprise and attack me”

So when I saw him in Tesco the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Just enjoyed a nice glass of Stella Artois Cidre and it’s really put me in the mood to battre my wife.

A wise man once said, “You’re going to look a right pair of cunts with your frankincense and myrrh when I pull this gold out.”

I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, “Wait a minute…”

Sick of all these disgusting jokes about sex with animals. For the record, bestiality is never a laughing matter.

Unless, of course, you’re fucking a hyena.

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers…

… and stuck my cock in her mouth.

What’s worse than being fingered by Captain Hook?

Being fisted by Wolverine

Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature
Being born with a cock seems to have done the trick for me.

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.”

“No, a straw,” says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already”.

“Dad, how do you feel about abortions?”

“Well, why don’t you ask your sister?”

“But I don’t have a…”

Feels weird to be handcuffed during sex.

I’m more used to being handcuffed a couple of days later.

Me and my mates saw this really fit bird in this club last night. We walked over to her and said, ‘Is E the only letter next to F in the alphabet?’

‘Or G?’ she replied.

And that, your honour, is why it should not count as gang rape.

I was under the impression that everyone had heard that the bird was the word.

That’s right, it’s a Family Guy quote, but we won’t be doing that all through the piece, but last night’s episode of Family Guy on 3e as voted for by the readers just reminded me that it had been a little while since we had a childish giggle at some immature humour.

If you think you’re too mature or serious to laugh at the following jokes, then you’re lying to yourself.  And sure if you’re not, then we guess that these jokes just aren’t everyone’s cup of liquidised dead baby.

Check it.

If I’m honest.. I’m actually a little bit sad that Harry Potter is finally ending. One of my guilty pleasures was popping in the DVD and having a wank over that really fit bird. Hedwig.

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she’s had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”,
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

Emma Watson at the Harry Potter Premier: “Thanks to everyone who came.”

No problem Emma.

I’m the world’s worst rapist.

I was stalking this girl in the park. I had my handkerchief already soaked in chloroform, when suddenly she turned and looked at me. I nonchalantly pretended to blow my nose…….and woke up an hour later slumped over a park bench.

I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour pipes up, “You can clean mine next!”

“Ha ha!” I laughed.

Jesus, it’s bad enough I have to fuck his wife for him.

I want to make a complaint to the News of the World, but I don’t know how.

So I’m just going to leave them a message on my voicemail.

I had Stephen Hawking over for dinner.

All the pervy old bastard did was look to his left at my 10 year old daughter, smiling and drooling.

And the bag of gravy he brought with him tasted fucking horrible.

They say you can’t get away with murder

But I know a couple that McCann…

I was the first in line at the pharmacy and I asked for 50 condoms.

Two girls behind me started giggling, so I took a grim look at them and said:

In fact, I’ll take 52.

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. “We’ll be together soon, my darling…” I said.

“Did you say something?” my wife asked from the next room.

“I’m on the phone to your sister,” I said. “Your drink is ready by the way.”

I was trying to chat up a woman in a noisy club and I shouted to her:

“So, what films do you like?”

“Porn films.” she replied.

“Really? That’s unusual for a woman. I’ll tell you something, I’m obsessed! I wank non-stop to them, I must have seen hundreds.”

She said “I think you’ll find they only made three, but you’re right, that Matt Damon is fucking gorgeous!”

I’m planning a trip to Oxegen, I have to say, I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I’ll no longer be covered.

I watched as my wife sat sobbing on the sofa earlier.

“I need someone to give me a hug,” she said, “and tell me everything is going to be OK.”

“Would you like me to phone your mother then?” I grinned.

“Fuck off, you sick cunt! She’s only been dead 10 minutes.”

Rumour has it that Heather Mills and Gareth Gates are releasing a cover of MC Hammer’s famous hit single.

Hop, stammer time.

Today I said to my wife, ”I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.”

She replied, ”Go on then…”

I proceeded to do so, and she replied, ”That was shit!”

I said, ”Yeah, but he’s dead.”

I was so turned on to see my wife licking her own cunt, I had a wank whilst she moaned and groaned.

I just managed to zip up before the firemen got there to cut her out of the wreckage.

What’s the difference between David Haye and my trousers?

My trousers don’t fall down every 3 minutes.

I thought wanking really did send you blind.

Then I realised my mum’s knickers were still on my head.

I’m going to invent a saying about yoghurts.

Well, more of a fromage phrase.