Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

There are two words in the English language.  These two simple words, when put together in the right order can win any argument and prove to the world that while you are indeed an immature man child, you are brilliant at winning a fight and getting the last word.  Learned in school, or more to the point, the school yard, this put down trumps anything.

Somebody will always go to “yer face” first, and when that happens, just pull this little gem out of your sleeve and watch as they stutter for a comeback.  In fact, it doesn’t even have to be reply to an insult, it can just come out of nowhere when you feel like acting the cunt.

We’ve put together 21 ways to use this timeless classic to your advantage.

Everyday conversation:

1.

“Hello, how are you?”

“How’s yer ma?”

2.

“Do you have the time?”

“It’s time for yer ma”

3.

“What did you get up to last night?”

“Oh, about balls deep, in yer ma”

4.

“What do you want to do later?”

“Yer ma.  Twice.”

5.

“What’s that you’re eating?”

“Yer ma”

Try phone a friend, no matter who you'll call you'll get an accurate answer

So as you can see there’s a lot of room for manoeuvre here.  Immature as it may be, it’ll entertain you no end in mundane everyday mindless chatter.

As we all know, jobs are hard to come by these days, but if you ever even get to the interview stage, these two magical words can earn you brownie points with the interviewer.  If it goes well, you’ll bring the person back to their school days and they’ll smile as you help them reminisce.  Or you can do what we once did and end up back on the dole queue…

Interviews

6.

“Hi, how are you?”

“How’s yer ma?”

“I’m sorry?”

“So was yer ma!”

“Are you alright?”

“Is Yer ma is alright”

“Can we just get on with this please?”

“That’s what yer ma says.”

“I have other people waiting to see me.”

“So does yer ma.”

“Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, then please just leave.”

“That’s what I keep telling yer ma.”

“That’s quite enough.”

“Yer ma never says that. Cos. She’s. A. Slut.”

Humour.

As if this genius way to insult a person wasn’t funny enough, you can use it to further inhance otherwise shitty humour.  Behold…

7.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?  My ma?”

“No, don’t be so juvenile.  G’wan, knock knock”

“Alright then, who’s there?”

“Yer ma.  HA!  Sucker”

“Cunt”

More humour.

I know, right?  How much more stuff can you make brillianter with yer ma?  Hold on to your nuts.

8.

“Knock knock”

“I’m not doing this with you”

“I swear it’s a real joke, c’mon”

“Nope you’re just going to say something about my ma”

“I won’t, promise.”

“Alright”

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Adolf”

“Adolf who?”

“Adolf ball hit me in de mouf and dats why I talk dis way”

“That was shit”

“So’s yer ma”

Riddles.

9.

“What’s black and white and loves cock?”

“Yer ma in a zebra costume”

So there you have it folks, now you can go forth in to the world and let loose the greatest of all put downs and argument winning tools mankind has ever known.

You’re welcome.

We hope you’ll grow to love yer ma as much as we do.

Does anyone know what a critolis is?

Neither do I, but my Chinese girlfriend thinks I should.

I just applied for a job as a babysitter.

When they asked me if I had ever watched kids before, evidently, “from my car” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.

I said, “Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination”.

That showed her.

Isn’t it discrimination that Gingers can only use two lifelines in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.

It’s called the iRon.

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

Feminists say a man’s brain is in his penis.

Well, girls don’t even have a penis.

My girlfriend wanted perfume & jewellery for her birthday but I got her a chocolate egg & a toy instead.

She was kinder surprised.

via Sickipedia

I think the best part about being an only child was playing with all my dead brother’s toys.

After sex most men either go for a shower or just roll over and go to sleep.

Me personally …

… I just grab my shovel and run like fuck.

I took a girl home last night.

I said, “Baby … you look hot”.

She said, “You’d look hot too if you were handcuffed to a radiator”.

My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I told her it’s not what it looks like.

My budgie broke his leg so I used a couple of matches as a splint.

Unfortunately, I’d also lined his cage with sandpaper.

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

“Hello?”

“Hi kiddo,This is Daddy,Is Mummy near the phone?”

‘No, Daddy,She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle John.’

‘But kiddo, you haven’t got an Uncle John.’

‘Yes I have, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mummy, Right now..’

‘Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

”Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

‘I did it, Daddy.”

”And what happened, kiddo?’

‘Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn’t moving at all!”

”Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle John?’

‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

‘Swimming pool? Wait, isn’t this 555-1543?

I went round to MC Hammers’ house last night.

He wouldn’t let me touch anything.

Anal sex.

Gods way of saying “Sorry guys I should have made the vagina tighter!”

Via Sickipedia

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.

“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”

“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”

“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”

“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”

The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”

“Hush up, Fridge,” said the mother.

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”

St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”

The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”

St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.

“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, “Man, I sure wish I could do that”.

The other guy says, “you should probably try petting him first”

What’s blue and fucks grandmothers?

Hypothermia.

What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?

A Whopper with cheese.

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

And finally, a great Cartman clip for the Aristocrats.

NSFW, or anywhere really.

My wife has a rain fetish.  It makes her wet.

I’m seriously worried about my birthday in a few years time.  Apparently at 40 there’s an 80% chance I’ll kill a child.

I’ve just been sent to prison, so I won’t be having sex for a few months.  I hope.

My wife just gave birth for the first time.  I don’t know who to feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own.

My favourite sex position is the Toyota.  I don’t stop no matter how much you scream.

I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.

So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.

I squinted my eyes and shouted, “Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!” But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

The Police

The Police who?

The Metropolitan Police. We’d like to ask you a few questions about a series of sexual attacks on young women in this area could you open the door for us please.

Yeah I didn’t find it particularly funny either.

Looks aren’t everything, but you can’t wank over personality.

I’m a woman, and I’m tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before – “Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you’re ready for the best sex you’ve ever had . xxx”

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I’m brunette, and thirdly he’s away at a conference tonight!

For an easy adrenalin rush, try eating After-Eight mints at around half past seven.

Via Sickipedia

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one  to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State  takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2  cows.
The State takes both and sells you some  milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and  shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State  takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk  away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell  one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy  grows.
You sell them and retire on the income. (Hah!)

What did the dyslexic cow say? Omo? No, he said Moo, because dyslexia doesn't affect the speech you ignoramus.

ROYAL  BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE)  CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your  publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your  brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an  associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a  tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are  transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly  owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven  cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the  company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one  cow to buy a new president of the United  States , leaving you with nine  cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public  then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two  giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica  lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You  sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four  cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has  dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,  because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have  two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an  ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a  clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it  worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you  don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS  CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You  charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE  CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking  them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine  productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real  situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You  worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks  you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one  believes you, so they bomb the cr@p out of you and invade your  country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a  Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go  for a few beers to celebrate.

A LEITRIM CORPORATION
You  have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Who says money can't buy you love? By love, I of course mean sex.

A middle-aged traveller is queuing at the dole office to collect his cheque. As usual, he’s getting dirty looks from those around him and so when he finally gets to the top of the queue, he exclaims to the teller:

“Y’know, I’m pissed off collecting dis dole. I hate all dis waitin’ and queuin for a few bob every week, I want to be out earning me own few quid. I’m looking around, tryin as hard as I can but there’s no jobs going anywhere”

“Well actually”, replied the teller, “there’s a position after becoming available just this morning. It would involve chauffering a wealthy old businessman around in his Bentley, usually just to and from the golf course. Oh, and you also be helping him look after his 18 year old daughter. She refuses to stay in the mansion with him and he hates the thought of her being alone, so you would be expected to share the luxury guesthouse with her seven nights a week. I must warn you though, she’s a horny little minx, a proper sex addict. I’d say you’ll have your hands full in more ways than one! The pay is €1600 per week and you would be free to use the Bentley as your own car in your free time.”

The traveller can’t believe his luck, he’s dumbstruck by what has just been told. He stands there, open-mouthed for a few seconds before stuttering “Wh-wha… r-r-r-really?!”

“No”, came the reply, “but since you started the bullshitting, I figured I’d continue.”

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out… he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy…”

I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1, You come fishing with me and the dog… 2, You give me a BLOW JOB…. or 3, you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING, BLOW JOB, or ASS?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

So I’ve been living outside of Dublin for about two years now and I’ve noticed a few differences, some large some small.

For instance people up here just stop driving without warning and get out of their cars.  They just stop.  Get out and stop.  I was stuck behind a car that did this and I saw a Garda and thought he might move the car on.  Instead, he handed the guy that got out of the car a tenner and asked him to get him smokes while the Garda offered to watch the fucking car.

That’s a pretty big difference where I come from.

The small difference, to me anyway is that everyone has a claim of land somewhere.  For example, we have a stream running through our front garden.  The guy who lives a half a mile down the road owns the ditch it runs through, which is in our garden.

Zoning issues that would confuse Bertie and have Liam Lawlor’s ghost asking questions.

Anyway, nothing we can do about that now.

The weird thing that has been happening over the last while is that at about midnight every night, just after kicking out time at the local pub, there is a woman who appears at the cattle grid at the end of the drive way.

She stumbles, mumbles, drops her beer bottle and proceeds to hike up her skirt hunker down and take a piss right under our post box.

The first night I went out to see what she was up to she moved on before I got to her but turned around to shout something at me.  The accent and slurring made it quite hard to decipher, but I thought that would be the end of it.

The second night it happened I went out to her while she was mid stream and told her quite firmly to move on.  She nearly fell on her arse trying to un crouch herself,  but it was dark and she was pissed so I gave her one of my spare high visibility jackets and told her to be careful on the road.

Once again she shouted abuse and faded into the shadows, as her steaming stream trickled on to the road.

Last night though I had had enough and was waiting for her to arrive, which she did.  Like clockwork, she arrived at the cattle grid with her swaggering steps and half drunk beer.

Shake it more than three times and you're up to something

“Oh, so you’re ahead of me t’nigh are ya?”

“I’ve had enough of you pissing on my drive way”

“Tough shit, I’ve been pishing here since before you were even a thought”

“Maybe, but the amonia levels are shocking, I might need a protective suit just to stand here with you”

That remark went straight over her head and she looked me straight in the eye and wriggled her granny pants to the ground, bunched her skirt around her waist and squatted down to once again mess with the PH balance of my stream.

She never looked away and even with the shiver that ran up her back at the last drop she never broke contact with my eye line.

“There, what are ya gonna do now?”

“I’ll have the Gardaí waiting here tomorrow night, or at the very least a wind breaker.  My shoes are ruined”

“Bollox”

And off she went triumphantly down the road again.

I went to the Garda station this morning and they weren’t very sympathetic.  Apparently there’s nothing I can do.

Squatter’s rights.

"Captain Britain" wasn't quite as successful as his cross-atlantic counterpart

“Your name is on the list”