Two boobs good, four boobs better

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,

“You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”

“What,” the other asks, “green?”

“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”

From John via email

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

“Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea!”

From Brian via email

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.

The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.

At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.

“Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?” she cried.

The doctor replied: “I’m just joking with you! It was stillborn.”

Via anonymous email (Wonder why)

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.

“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”

“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”

“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”

“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”

The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”

“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.

From Barry via email

I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”

Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: “In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”

So I said: “I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”

At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.

So I stood up and said: “Fuck it, come on kids we’re leaving.”

Via Sickipedia

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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: ‘I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!’

From Paul via email

A pirate walks in a bar wearing a steering wheel on his cock.

The bartender asks him, “do you know you have a steering wheel on your cock.”

To which the pirate exclaims, “aargh… its driving me nuts.”

From anon via email

A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend on their bed, crying.

He asks his girlfriend “what’s wrong?”

She looks at him and says in disgust, “I know the truth about you…” she sobs and continues, “I know
you’re a PAEDOPHILE!”

The man walks up to her and hugs her, then he says “Honey, I’m so proud of you ‘pedophile’ is such a big word for a 10 year old.”

Ciara via text

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,

“You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”

“What,” the other asks, “green?”.

“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”

Dave via email

Man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a huge hole in my ass”

The doctors says “drop your pants, bend over and let have a look”. “Fuck me!!” says the doctor ” what could have made a hole as big as that?”

Patient replies I’ve been fucked by an elephant”.

The doctor says “An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous”.

Patient replies “He fingered me first”.

Rob via email

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”

She says, “Smell the rim.”

Sean via email

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of vanilla ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

Via Sickipedia

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When he was alive my Grandad was a disgusting old pervert who abused me.

I’d piss on his grave if I didn’t know it would turn him on.

I’ve been engaged quite a few times, but never had the heart to get married.

There’s been quite a few near Mrs.

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him.

He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it…

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”

What fun that was…

Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother.

She didn’t laugh when I said that she’d probably made a fair few of mine too.

Walked past a restaurant last night and on the window it said – ‘Order anything you want, if we don’t have it, we’ll pay you £500′.

Went in and ordered ‘Giraffes kneecaps on toast’.

A short while later, the waiter returned with a cheque for £500 in my name and said “It’s your lucky day, we’re out of bread”

My wife asked me about the cut on my finger.

“Oh, that,” I said. “I was cutting up some string using the scissors.”

She said, “That was clumsy.”

I said, “Yeah. Anyway, are you looking forward to your sky dive tomorrow?”

If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.

On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.

On the second night, repeat.

On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.

My mate’s getting married next week. I text him yesterday and jokingly asked,

“So then mate, how many bridesmaids will i be shagging on saturday then ”

He replied,

“Sorry mate but the only bridesmaids are Sarah’s 6 year old niece, my 10 year old god daughter and her baby sister!”

Three then.

Typical women.

My girlfriend bores me rigid every night telling me about every intricate detail of her day.

I couldn’t give a fuck about how long you were playing in the sandpit, and yes that’s a shit finger painting.

I scared my girlfriend whilst driving too fast the other day and found her fear quite amusing.

She said, “You won’t be laughing if you crash because then you’ll have a crippled girlfriend.”

I said, “No I wouldn’t, I’d have a crippled ex-girlfriend.”

Whoever said getting your heart broken is the worst feeling ever has never had their finger rip through the toilet paper when wiping their arse.

You a funny guy?  Here to fucking amuse us?  Share it with the world – inbox@boob.ie

This new “in private” browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

First my wife said she’d lost her lipstick, then she couldn’t find her mascara and now she’s looking for her blusher.

I wish she’d mind her fucking makeup.

My wife told me that if I could make her come five times with my tongue then she would let me fuck her up the arse.

I’ve just called her in from the kitchen for the third time and the silly cunt still hasn’t twigged.

Me and the wife’s marriage has been on the rocks ever since we moved into our new lighthouse.

My wife said to me, “I’ve just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight.”

I said, “That’s brilliant news. Let’s celebrate by moving to Australia.”

I love it when the ice cream van starts coming round – I can see what’s on offer for the long summer months.
And which of them can deep throat a Mini Milk.

I stopped at a service station and asked the cashier at the window for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.

Fucking smart arse.

‘Mystery of bullet found in head’

I’m no expert but I think it might have been put there via some sort of gun.

I walked into a shop and bought a bottle of baby oil, a pack of condoms, a bottle of value vodka and a pack of Haribo. The lady said, “Look, I’m sorry but I just can’t serve you that, I’m calling the police.”

I raged at her, “Just because I order these items, doesn’t mean you have to jump to the worst conclusions!”

She calmly replied, “Actually, I’m afraid we do Mr Glitter.”

How does Stephen Hawking close his windows?

Alt + F4

MSN News: “Ethiopia’s oldest living person dies” … on average every 45 minutes.

I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.

She loved me wrong time.

My Asian girlfriend says I grow impressive herbs.

She love me long thyme.

All day I’ve been pretending I’m different types of wood.

I’m board now.

Via email and Sickipedia

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It’s amazing, these people on the bus actually think I’m being thoughtful by letting them off first…

…when I’m really buying some time to hide this unwanted erection.

I travelled to Japan last year and got myself a discount prostitute.

She loved me moderate time.

My wife just ran off with my new best friend.

I have not met him yet, but I can’t wait to shake his hand.

My dog can lick his own balls.

I don’t care how much he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.

BBC News: Nigerian President Umaru Yar’Adua has died after an illness.

I was devastated to hear this. He was supposed to be paying me thirty-four million pounds tomorrow.

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,

“I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”

I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”

Carlsberg don’t do fat, ugly, vulnerable birds who are getting more and more desperate by the second in the realization that they’ll be going home alone tonight, unlike all of her friends,

But I do.

I clicked on a link saying ‘Bald and Barely Legal’ yesterday.  Unzipping and firming up, I waited for the page to load.

It was a Department of Transport website about car tyres.

I was alarming holiday goers on a nudist beach, walking around with an erection.

One woman said; “Won’t you think of the children?”

I said “That’s the fucking problem in the first place.”

I was hanging around a playground yesterday. Apparently I was arousing suspicion.

Stupid name, I know. But she’s got a nice arse.

I’ve started calling my wife “Batwoman”

She’s not superhuman or sexy, she’s just been hanging from the ceiling for a while.

I was teaching my son how to high-five earlier.

….whilst we were spit roasting his sister.

Via Sickipedia

I had sex with a girl called Intel last night.

I fucked her up her bum… bum bum bum bum.

Was flicking through the channels last night when I stumbled upon two things of interest – the Liverpool game and porn.

Faced with this dilemma, I asked the missus which I should watch – the footy or the porn.

She replied “The porn – you know how to play football.”

The bitch.

The Boomerang.

A frisbee for ginger kids.

I can’t see an end.

I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, “Don’t stare at her tits, don’t stare at her tits.”
Then she said, “Don’t stare at whose tits?”

Michael O’Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

“That will be one Euro please.” says the barman.

“That’s a very fair price.” replies O’Leary.

“Would you like a glass with that sir?” asks the barman.

Fans of T.V show Glee have started calling themselves “Gleeks.”

Personally, I prefer the term “Cunts.”

My son has really been pissing me off recently by using American words and phrases.

He calls orange juice, “OJ”, and repeatedly uses words like “awesome” and “bro”.

So, I thought, “Well if he wants to feel American, I’ll help him do it properly.”

So I walked into his school today and shot him and six of his classmates dead.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

And that, your honour, is why I was at the border shooting at illegal immigrants – to deter the rest.

Via Sickipedia

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I can’t wait until it rains!

Free Volvic!

My new girlfriend has a pierced clitoris with a diamond stud in it.

Posh cunt.

My friends invited me to a gay bar last night. When I walked in the music was booming… I couldn’t even think straight!

I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.

It was absolute carnage.

Peter Griffin doesn’t look so stupid now with his volcano insurance!

I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It’s just so wrong.

Anne Frankly, I won’t stand for it.

A girl just walked past me who was so pretty I forgot to look at her tits.

Sky News: “Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice.”

I believe the technical term is “water”.

Watching the Weakest Link with my flat mates, when one of them says “See if Anne Robinson was 60 years younger, I wouldn’t say no.”

I said, “She’s only about 65 though” and he replied “Exactly.”

I really need to move.

I broke up with my girlfriend today, she asked me if its really over. I told her it couldn’t be more over if she started singing.

What do you get if you put the head of a horse on the body of Leona Lewis?

Leona Lewis.

My Grandad never talks about his time fighting in WWII.

He was shot by a German sniper in 1943 and died instantly.

If I had a euro for everytime someone said I didn’t pay attention I have absolutely no fucking idea how much I’d have at all.

My friend asked me the other day “Mate, does your penis touch your belly button?”

I told him my belly button doesn’t wanna talk about it.

My wife forced me to have gay sex last night.

Scented candles, heated massage oils, you know the kind of thing.

Via Sickipedia

To all new iPad owners.

When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although I’ve never heard the wife moan.

What did the confused Magnesium Oxide say?

OMg

I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

I went to the doctor’s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my cock tastes funny…”

Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn’t choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angel’s gained a little weight since we started going out.

My wife said she wanted to be treated to a facial for her birthday, seems our definitions of that word differ.

Katie Price has been quoted as saying: “My death might be a Diana moment”

Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too.

What’s blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia.

What else is blue and fucks old people?

Me in my lucky blue jumper.

I went to pick up my photos today.

The bloke said, “Sorry Sir, we can’t give them to you, they’re not fully developed.”

I panicked and said, “Those are my nieces, it’s not what you think.”

What do you call a bloke who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A barman.

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

Kate McCann:

“I live in fear of the dreaded knock at the door”

No need to worry about that Kate,

You keep fucking leaving them open.

Who cares if my grandkids aren’t gonna see a polar bear?

I didn’t see a dinosaur.

A policeman knocked on my door last night.

He said, “I’ve just had a sexual complaint from your daughter”.

I said, “Well, you’re clearly doing something wrong…try 2 fingers up her arse”.

Via Sickipedia.

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman – or a new car.

Geri Halliwell has said in an interview that, “Victoria Beckham is like Marmite”.

I can see what she means; I’d happily stick a knife in her.

A policeman pulled me over last night and said, “I would like to give you a breath test.”

I said, “I’m bound to fail it officer, I don’t know a fucking thing about breath.”

I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, “Wait a minute…”

My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits.

I nearly choked on my toenail.

Kleenex man size: Because cum is thicker than snot.

My wife told me on Thursday that she wanted to give me a deep throat blowjob.

“Really!?”

“No,” she replied, “April Fogarbnsrgabsjg….”

That’ll teach her to try to be funny…

Whiteboards are remarkable

I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral – All together now “Don’t stop bereaving!”

My wife bought some jeggings.

I said, “What are they then?”.

She said, “They’re a cross between jeans and leggings”.

I said, “Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt”.

My wife just told me that in 9 months I will have a little surprise!

Oooooh, I can’t wait for Santa to come now…I hope it’s an Xbox.

Apparently, Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to play pranks on people.

He loves Twickenham.

This morning I placed some speakers 1.6km from my house and had a wank into a microphone….

You could hear me coming a mile away.

Via Sickipedia

I accidentally took a dump in the swimming pool at Duncan Bannatyne’s house.

And for that reason, I’m out.

My girlfriend has just text me to say that I can have as much sex tonight as I want.

I can’t wait to see her face when I walk in at 3am stinking of fanny.

Just seen the headline: “Man loses child pornography case”.

That’s not the sort of thing you want to leave on the train, is it?

Someone just walked over my wife’s grave.

Then again, I suppose I should just start calling it the patio like everyone else!

I got out of the shower and my wife said, “Ooo look, it’s like a penis … only smaller”.

I said, “Ooo look, it’s like my secretary … only fatter and less flexible”.

My wife said to me, “I’m fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave.”

I said, “You pack them.”

Walked into HMV and the assistant said “Good morning”.

I said, “You too”.

He said, “Second aisle, first shelf on the left”.

Funny fucker.

Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank.

Apparently when your Missus says “awww, does that baby not make you broody?”, replying “no, horny” is a sure fire

way to get you dumped.

I like my women how i like my lightbulbs…..

Easily turned on, not too bright, and hung from my ceiling with electrical cable.

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.

Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

I know that you shouldn’t have a favourite child, but only one of my daughters does anal, so it’s no contest.

Ever tried anal sex?

It’s fucking shit!

Via Sickipedia