Two boobs good, four boobs better

A truck driver is heading down the motorway when he sees a hitch hiker, it’s pissing rain so he decides to pick him up.  With the hitch hiker on board, the truck driver turns and asks him if he wants to see something cool.

“Sure”, says the hitch hiker and with that the driver snaps his finger and a monkey appears from the back of the cab.

With that, the driver smacks the monkey on the head and the monkey proceeds to give him a blowjob.

“Fancy getting in on some of this?” asks the driver.

“Ok”, says the hitch hiker.

“Just don’t hit me so hard”

From Dave via email

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says,

“Here, I got this here cheque to lodge and I’ll be fucked if I am going to wait in this poxy fucking queue and longer.”

“Please”, says the woman. “I won’t have that kind of language in this bank.”

“Well excuse me, but this fucking cheque isn’t making me any fucking interest with you yapping away about my fucking language.”

“Sir, I don’t have to take this abuse” she says.

“Well then let’s get the fucking manager okay? I mean what kind of fucking shit is this I have to take from you?”

The manager is summoned, and says “What seems to be the problem?”

The woman says, “This man is using vulgar language and I won’t stand for it.”

The man says “Hey all I’m trying to do in this fucking bank, for fuck”s sake is deposit this fucking cheque for 15 million fucking euro.”

The manager looks at the cheque and then at the man and says “And this fucking bitch won’t help you?”

From Laura via email

I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, “I think my boobs are too small, I’m going to get a boob job.”

“Hmm,” I replied, “my hands are too small… what do you think I should do?”

“Do you want a hand job?”

She’s a keeper.

Aoife via email

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, ” Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Chris via email

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.

“Okay,” I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never gonna give you Up.”

Sean via email

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: “I had sex last night, did you?”

Woman 2: “Yes.”

Woman 1: “Was it good?”

Woman 2: “No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?”

Woman 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!”

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: “You wanted sex last night, how was it?”

Husband 2: “Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?”

Husband 1: “It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!”

Via Sickipedia

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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: ‘I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!’

From Paul via email

A pirate walks in a bar wearing a steering wheel on his cock.

The bartender asks him, “do you know you have a steering wheel on your cock.”

To which the pirate exclaims, “aargh… its driving me nuts.”

From anon via email

A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend on their bed, crying.

He asks his girlfriend “what’s wrong?”

She looks at him and says in disgust, “I know the truth about you…” she sobs and continues, “I know
you’re a PAEDOPHILE!”

The man walks up to her and hugs her, then he says “Honey, I’m so proud of you ‘pedophile’ is such a big word for a 10 year old.”

Ciara via text

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,

“You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”

“What,” the other asks, “green?”.

“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”

Dave via email

Man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a huge hole in my ass”

The doctors says “drop your pants, bend over and let have a look”. “Fuck me!!” says the doctor ” what could have made a hole as big as that?”

Patient replies I’ve been fucked by an elephant”.

The doctor says “An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous”.

Patient replies “He fingered me first”.

Rob via email

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”

She says, “Smell the rim.”

Sean via email

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of vanilla ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

Via Sickipedia

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This new “in private” browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

First my wife said she’d lost her lipstick, then she couldn’t find her mascara and now she’s looking for her blusher.

I wish she’d mind her fucking makeup.

My wife told me that if I could make her come five times with my tongue then she would let me fuck her up the arse.

I’ve just called her in from the kitchen for the third time and the silly cunt still hasn’t twigged.

Me and the wife’s marriage has been on the rocks ever since we moved into our new lighthouse.

My wife said to me, “I’ve just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight.”

I said, “That’s brilliant news. Let’s celebrate by moving to Australia.”

I love it when the ice cream van starts coming round – I can see what’s on offer for the long summer months.
And which of them can deep throat a Mini Milk.

I stopped at a service station and asked the cashier at the window for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.

Fucking smart arse.

‘Mystery of bullet found in head’

I’m no expert but I think it might have been put there via some sort of gun.

I walked into a shop and bought a bottle of baby oil, a pack of condoms, a bottle of value vodka and a pack of Haribo. The lady said, “Look, I’m sorry but I just can’t serve you that, I’m calling the police.”

I raged at her, “Just because I order these items, doesn’t mean you have to jump to the worst conclusions!”

She calmly replied, “Actually, I’m afraid we do Mr Glitter.”

How does Stephen Hawking close his windows?

Alt + F4

MSN News: “Ethiopia’s oldest living person dies” … on average every 45 minutes.

I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.

She loved me wrong time.

My Asian girlfriend says I grow impressive herbs.

She love me long thyme.

All day I’ve been pretending I’m different types of wood.

I’m board now.

Via email and Sickipedia

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I had sex with a girl called Intel last night.

I fucked her up her bum… bum bum bum bum.

Was flicking through the channels last night when I stumbled upon two things of interest – the Liverpool game and porn.

Faced with this dilemma, I asked the missus which I should watch – the footy or the porn.

She replied “The porn – you know how to play football.”

The bitch.

The Boomerang.

A frisbee for ginger kids.

I can’t see an end.

I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, “Don’t stare at her tits, don’t stare at her tits.”
Then she said, “Don’t stare at whose tits?”

Michael O’Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

“That will be one Euro please.” says the barman.

“That’s a very fair price.” replies O’Leary.

“Would you like a glass with that sir?” asks the barman.

Fans of T.V show Glee have started calling themselves “Gleeks.”

Personally, I prefer the term “Cunts.”

My son has really been pissing me off recently by using American words and phrases.

He calls orange juice, “OJ”, and repeatedly uses words like “awesome” and “bro”.

So, I thought, “Well if he wants to feel American, I’ll help him do it properly.”

So I walked into his school today and shot him and six of his classmates dead.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

And that, your honour, is why I was at the border shooting at illegal immigrants – to deter the rest.

Via Sickipedia

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I can’t wait until it rains!

Free Volvic!

My new girlfriend has a pierced clitoris with a diamond stud in it.

Posh cunt.

My friends invited me to a gay bar last night. When I walked in the music was booming… I couldn’t even think straight!

I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.

It was absolute carnage.

Peter Griffin doesn’t look so stupid now with his volcano insurance!

I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It’s just so wrong.

Anne Frankly, I won’t stand for it.

A girl just walked past me who was so pretty I forgot to look at her tits.

Sky News: “Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice.”

I believe the technical term is “water”.

Watching the Weakest Link with my flat mates, when one of them says “See if Anne Robinson was 60 years younger, I wouldn’t say no.”

I said, “She’s only about 65 though” and he replied “Exactly.”

I really need to move.

I broke up with my girlfriend today, she asked me if its really over. I told her it couldn’t be more over if she started singing.

What do you get if you put the head of a horse on the body of Leona Lewis?

Leona Lewis.

My Grandad never talks about his time fighting in WWII.

He was shot by a German sniper in 1943 and died instantly.

If I had a euro for everytime someone said I didn’t pay attention I have absolutely no fucking idea how much I’d have at all.

My friend asked me the other day “Mate, does your penis touch your belly button?”

I told him my belly button doesn’t wanna talk about it.

My wife forced me to have gay sex last night.

Scented candles, heated massage oils, you know the kind of thing.

Via Sickipedia

To all new iPad owners.

When you masturbate in front of your new device, make sure to put some porn on its screen to avoid embarrassment.

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although I’ve never heard the wife moan.

What did the confused Magnesium Oxide say?

OMg

I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

I went to the doctor’s the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my cock tastes funny…”

Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn’t choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angel’s gained a little weight since we started going out.

My wife said she wanted to be treated to a facial for her birthday, seems our definitions of that word differ.

Katie Price has been quoted as saying: “My death might be a Diana moment”

Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too.

What’s blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia.

What else is blue and fucks old people?

Me in my lucky blue jumper.

I went to pick up my photos today.

The bloke said, “Sorry Sir, we can’t give them to you, they’re not fully developed.”

I panicked and said, “Those are my nieces, it’s not what you think.”

What do you call a bloke who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub?

A barman.

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

Kate McCann:

“I live in fear of the dreaded knock at the door”

No need to worry about that Kate,

You keep fucking leaving them open.

Who cares if my grandkids aren’t gonna see a polar bear?

I didn’t see a dinosaur.

A policeman knocked on my door last night.

He said, “I’ve just had a sexual complaint from your daughter”.

I said, “Well, you’re clearly doing something wrong…try 2 fingers up her arse”.

Via Sickipedia.

There are two words in the English language.  These two simple words, when put together in the right order can win any argument and prove to the world that while you are indeed an immature man child, you are brilliant at winning a fight and getting the last word.  Learned in school, or more to the point, the school yard, this put down trumps anything.

Somebody will always go to “yer face” first, and when that happens, just pull this little gem out of your sleeve and watch as they stutter for a comeback.  In fact, it doesn’t even have to be reply to an insult, it can just come out of nowhere when you feel like acting the cunt.

We’ve put together 21 ways to use this timeless classic to your advantage.

Everyday conversation:

1.

“Hello, how are you?”

“How’s yer ma?”

2.

“Do you have the time?”

“It’s time for yer ma”

3.

“What did you get up to last night?”

“Oh, about balls deep, in yer ma”

4.

“What do you want to do later?”

“Yer ma.  Twice.”

5.

“What’s that you’re eating?”

“Yer ma”

Try phone a friend, no matter who you'll call you'll get an accurate answer

So as you can see there’s a lot of room for manoeuvre here.  Immature as it may be, it’ll entertain you no end in mundane everyday mindless chatter.

As we all know, jobs are hard to come by these days, but if you ever even get to the interview stage, these two magical words can earn you brownie points with the interviewer.  If it goes well, you’ll bring the person back to their school days and they’ll smile as you help them reminisce.  Or you can do what we once did and end up back on the dole queue…

Interviews

6.

“Hi, how are you?”

“How’s yer ma?”

“I’m sorry?”

“So was yer ma!”

“Are you alright?”

“Is Yer ma is alright”

“Can we just get on with this please?”

“That’s what yer ma says.”

“I have other people waiting to see me.”

“So does yer ma.”

“Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, then please just leave.”

“That’s what I keep telling yer ma.”

“That’s quite enough.”

“Yer ma never says that. Cos. She’s. A. Slut.”

Humour.

As if this genius way to insult a person wasn’t funny enough, you can use it to further inhance otherwise shitty humour.  Behold…

7.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?  My ma?”

“No, don’t be so juvenile.  G’wan, knock knock”

“Alright then, who’s there?”

“Yer ma.  HA!  Sucker”

“Cunt”

More humour.

I know, right?  How much more stuff can you make brillianter with yer ma?  Hold on to your nuts.

8.

“Knock knock”

“I’m not doing this with you”

“I swear it’s a real joke, c’mon”

“Nope you’re just going to say something about my ma”

“I won’t, promise.”

“Alright”

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Adolf”

“Adolf who?”

“Adolf ball hit me in de mouf and dats why I talk dis way”

“That was shit”

“So’s yer ma”

Riddles.

9.

“What’s black and white and loves cock?”

“Yer ma in a zebra costume”

So there you have it folks, now you can go forth in to the world and let loose the greatest of all put downs and argument winning tools mankind has ever known.

You’re welcome.

We hope you’ll grow to love yer ma as much as we do.

Who says money can't buy you love? By love, I of course mean sex.

A middle-aged traveller is queuing at the dole office to collect his cheque. As usual, he’s getting dirty looks from those around him and so when he finally gets to the top of the queue, he exclaims to the teller:

“Y’know, I’m pissed off collecting dis dole. I hate all dis waitin’ and queuin for a few bob every week, I want to be out earning me own few quid. I’m looking around, tryin as hard as I can but there’s no jobs going anywhere”

“Well actually”, replied the teller, “there’s a position after becoming available just this morning. It would involve chauffering a wealthy old businessman around in his Bentley, usually just to and from the golf course. Oh, and you also be helping him look after his 18 year old daughter. She refuses to stay in the mansion with him and he hates the thought of her being alone, so you would be expected to share the luxury guesthouse with her seven nights a week. I must warn you though, she’s a horny little minx, a proper sex addict. I’d say you’ll have your hands full in more ways than one! The pay is €1600 per week and you would be free to use the Bentley as your own car in your free time.”

The traveller can’t believe his luck, he’s dumbstruck by what has just been told. He stands there, open-mouthed for a few seconds before stuttering “Wh-wha… r-r-r-really?!”

“No”, came the reply, “but since you started the bullshitting, I figured I’d continue.”

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out… he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy…”

I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1, You come fishing with me and the dog… 2, You give me a BLOW JOB…. or 3, you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING, BLOW JOB, or ASS?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”