Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

We’ve all been sat in that meeting or even out for a pint and had one of these things said to us.  Maybe you’ve uttered these bile inducing phrases yourself, and if you have you know who you are and deserve to be taken out and sold to a cult that worships Jedward.

Behold:

“I’ll call you in the PM” – small pricked wanker.

“I Like” – Unfunny Borat impersonating wanker.

“I’m an alcoholic” – Attention seeking party pooping group therapy wanker.

“A-SAP” – CSI watching wanker.

“Did you see CSI last night?” – No I didn’t you insufferable wanker.

“Let’s have a sing song” – Annoying three chord knowing party ending wanker.

“Going forward” – Responsibility dodging living in fantasy wanker.

“Do you have a minute to talk about….” – Street fundraising no friend having dreadlocked charity robbing wanker.

“Last year while back packing” – Non washing shandy drinking rolly smoking converse wearing dreadlocked wanker who paid for his trip by fund-raising for a charity wanker.

“Let’s touch base” – Just as soon as you’ve stopped touching yourself you self molesting wanker.

“Can you liaise with such and such on that?” – Apprentice wannabe wanking over pictures of Bill Cullen wanker

“I can categorically deny that” – Word of the day using wanker

“OMG”, “LOL”, “WTF” – Keep it for the text messages, you lolcat loving, finger up your bum wanker.

“I’ve like been totally singing/dancing/playing my instrument since I was like a foetus” – Lonely on the inside just wants to be loved by Simon Cowell and then fuck us off on some gormless talent show wanker.

“I’m just mad, I am” – Unfunny loud and most probably ginger wanker.

“Someone think of the children” – Joe Duffy bothering head shop doorway squatting ignoring the real issues of the country wanker.

I’m sure there are more, what have wankers said to you?

Get your lazy knacker arse home and put some clothes on.

It’s a plague that I always thought was just some sort of fad, but no.

I can’t leave my house without seeing groups of young wans in nothing but Penneys pyjamas hanging around bus stops and clogging up the cues in my local shop buying things like Meanies and Coke and Aero bars.

Get your lazy knacker arse home and put some clothes on.

Ok, so maybe nipping to the shop might be ok.  There was a time when you’d see the odd mother running to the shop for milk in the morning for breakfast before the kids went to school, in her dressing gown.  If you lived next door to the newsagent and just wanted to run in for teabags to help cure the Sunday morning hangover, then that might have slipped under the radar.

However, at 4pm in the afternoon buying Red Bull, John Player Blue and Smokey Bacon Tayto does not constitute an emergency, or a once in a while allowance.

Only yesterday I saw a girl in full pyjama fatigues in the bank.  The bank!  That wasn’t an emergency or something that had to be done in a hurry.  Sake.

Get your lazy knacker arse home and put some clothes on.

There are a few times when pyjamas are acceptable:

1. At night
2. In bed
3. In your hotel room
4. In a hospital
5. A pyjama fashion show

There are also a few times when pyjamas are not acceptable:

1. EVERYWHERE ELSE AT EVERY OTHER TIME

Get your lazy knacker arse home and put some clothes on.

We wouldn’t mind as much if you didn’t actually look like you lived in them at all times either way.  Why do these girls look like they just crawled out from under their never been washed sheets with hair greasier than Ronald McDonald’s pubes?  It’s not just the pyjamas either, is it?  It’s like an entire fucking fashion ensemble.

The slippers, the hoodie, and nothing matches.  They resemble a person who was raped by an Arnott’s bargain bin.

Girls, if you’re going to wear pyjamas outside for long periods of time, at least do it properly.

You know what is another word for pyjamas?  Lingerie.

I can’t think of a single straight red blooded male who would complain if you wore lingerie to the bank, or the butcher.  Sure other women might stare and you might just start a fashion trend that was more Hugh Hefner and less Hector Grey.

I can’t describe how pissed off I get when I see a gang of girls in pyjamas.

Get your lazy knacker arse home and put some clothes on.

If you weren’t so relaxed looking I’d assume you had all escaped from a paedophile’s restraints in the middle of the night.

I tell you all, and mark my words, it won’t be long before some poxy fucking fashion design student will put together a line of “Chic py-jamms” that will not only make it acceptable to wear pyjamas in public but will win awards and become some sort of social saviour.  Imagine interviewing someone and they walk in in their pyjamas.  You’ll look at them and ask why they didn’t put any effort into their appearance and they’ll curl their lip, stomp out their fag and declare:

“Wha?  Jaysus, deez are me good Sunday pyjamas.  De stay ah ewe”

And by that time it’ll have gone so far that we will actually feel belittled because we haven’t got our good pyjamas on.

We have to stop this soon, people.  We have to work together.  Next time you see a group of howya’s in pyjamas, strip down to nothing but your boxers and cue up behind them in the Londis.  If they can go to the shop in what they sleep in, then so can you.  This method might be especially effective if you happen to sleep in one of their ma’s.

So girls, for the last time.

Get your lazy knacker arse home and put some clothes on.

What’s hot

Hawt

The weather

Well it’s not exactly hot, but at least it’s not so cold that your nipples want to escape back inside your body to where your balls have gone too.  It won’t be long before the lady folk start wearing shoes without socks, and call us old fashioned, but that’s just fantastic.  And barbecues are just tops.  Choons on the choon machine, cold beers and tons of man meat to chew on.  No, wait…

.

Mannequins

Those minxy little plastic ladies whose eyes follow you around the lingerie department.  It doesn’t matter that we’re in the lingerie department without a woman in our life to speak of, those perma-erect nippled beauties don’t judge us like the security guards do.  Plus we saw a documentary once about a mannequin that came to life.  The only draw back was that it looked like the slapper off Sex and the City.

Dogs

Dogs are great.  They’re so loyal that they’ll die with you when you keel over in the kitchen and the neighbours don’t bother to investigate the smell.  They get so excited when you come in and they bark when they see the postman coming up the driveway.  Plus they chat up bitches by sniffing the holes off them, and they invented doggy style.  They are the dog’s bollox.

Ice cream vans

Nothing brings out our inner child like the tinkle of the ice cream van chime.  For a minute we’re so regressed that we run around trying to find mammy so that we can get 50p for a 99.  Remember screwballs?  Remember ice cream boats?  That multicoloured E numbered syrup?  The excitement and adrenaline of having to get to the van before he drove off leaving you at the kerb ice creamless and with a quivering lip.

The new Reebok ad

They probably work about as well as the manly “pumps” we bought from those nice people on the internet who still use our credit card occasionally, but they do make a good point.  Behold.

What’s not

Nawt

The weather

Yeah sure, it’s getting better but it won’t be long before the gobshites start wearing their rip off Ray Bans while hanging their arm out of their Fiestas with the Backstreet Boys blaring out of their speakers.  Plus just because we get 17 minutes of sunshine a year doesn’t mean that we have to waste a perfectly good piece of steak on a barbecue by charring the b’jaysus out of it so much that even your dog wouldn’t touch it.

Burger vans

If we wanted to give ourselves dysentery then we’d go and lick the bars in the gorilla enclosure at the zoo.  It might taste a bit better, and people wouldn’t judge us as much either.  Plus we wouldn’t be charged money for it.  Ok, so you have to pay to get into the zoo, but licking the bars is free.  Bargain.

Traffic wardens/clampers

Gingers have more soul and friends than these people.  Plus if you had a line up of traffic wardens and clampers and gingers in front of a woman, she might at least hesitate spitting on the ginger before the rest of them.  We once saw a ginger clamper and it just baffled us why he hadn’t topped himself yet.  True story.

Phone sex

Phone sex lines in Ireland just don’t do it.  The ads make it look like you’ll be talking to a hottie in some underwear or nothing but a light white sheet draped over her lady bits.  Wrong, what you’ll get is a surly housewife who just wants to talk to you long enough so that she can pay for her next batch of eclairs.  Plus our phone bill now resembles what we reckon a handjob off of Jessica Alba might cost.  You don’t need to tell us which one we’d prefer to spend the money on.

Nothing is more manly than a head full of useless information.  It’s used to break the silence in an awkward first date with that stripper you convinced that you were hung like Brooks with the wealth of a petrol pissing pixie.  It can be used to spark lively and entertaining man conversation down the pub, and if you have a website dedicated to all things manly you’ll forever be revered as a genius when you publish them and share your manly knowledge and women will want you to touch them in their underwear regions.  Probably.

Some true facts about law from around the world:

It’s against the law to leave your house in Thailand if you’re not wearing underwear.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.

Every Swiss citizen is required by law to have a bomb shelter or access to a bomb shelter.

Until 1967, LSD was legal in California.

It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.

The triangular shape that Toblerone chocolates are packaged in, is protected by law.

A surfer in California once sued another surfer for “stealing his wave.” The case was thrown out because the court was unable to put a price on “pain and suffering” endured by the surfer watching someone else ride “his” wave.

A 27 year old heir to a sausage empire was handed a ticket for €130,000 for driving at 80 km/hr in a 40 km/hr zone. This is because the speeding tickets in Finland are based on how much money a person makes.

In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different colour than butter.

The first person to die in the electric chair was William Kemmler, an axe murderer from New York on August 6, 1890.

In Israel, religious law forbids picking your nose on Sabbath.

Some facts about laws from around the world that we wish were true:

In 1933 in Leitrim homosexuality among sheep was made illegal.  This might explain why it feels even dirtier when you do it.

It is against the law in Uraguay to use the joke “ur a gay”.  It’s actually illegal everywhere as it’s a really bad and juvenile joke.  Tee hee, ur a gay.

In an ancient country a man once planted bird seeds and grew a big giant fuck off turkey that took over the land and ruled with an iron wing.  The country was called Sardine before but the giant bird was so mad and eccentric that he demanded it be called after himself.  So understandibly it’s not illegal to grow birds from bird seed in Turkey, and also if you ask them about it, they’ll act like they’ve never heard of it.   The practice of growing birds was brought back to life by Sesame Street.  That’s not a dude in a suit, and don’t even get us started on Elmo.

Just a short one this week.

It’s really only one tip, but we feel it’s more than overdue here at the Boobiedome.  More and more people are falling victim to this trait that makes them seem like a knob.  Trouble is that the more people who behave like this, the more acceptable it becomes in the first place.

Before we tell you what it is, here’s a few reasons why we think this week’s tip is a valuable public service.

• It is not an extension of yourself
• It is not a penis, a vagina, a pair of boobies or even toes, stop admiring it and stroking it.
• It is no longer a novelty for anyone

Ready for it?

Are you sure?

Here it is.

LEAVE YOUR FUCKING iPhone IN YOUR POCKET UNTIL YOU EITHER RECEIVE A CALL/TEXT OR HAVE TO ENGAGE IN A CALL/TEXT.

I have it on good authority that porn makers are toying with the idea of making iPhone porn.  It will mainly consist of people taking their iPhones out of their pockets every 12 seconds, checking for a message, downloading useless apps, wiping smudges off the screen and stroking the screen to make it move about just because the way it scrolls still gives them a horn.

Well they would make the porn, if they weren’t so busy wanking off their iPhones.

Next week will be a much happier place, we promise.  We’re off to therapy.

We’re still right though.

Oh let me count the ways.

Normal people arrive at the bar and know what they want, and order it.  Wait for it, pay for it and enjoy it.

Then you have the people who arrive at a busy bar, tut and sigh because they’re not served first and keep shouting the immortal words “when you’re ready” at the barman in a tone that suggests it better be well before he’s ready.  Rolled eyes a plenty, waving of money and when the barman eventually gets to them, what do they say?

“Hmm, em ok I’ll have a…. no wait.  Oh I dunno what I’m in the mood for”

This is legal grounds for the barman to then kill this fucker with a swizzle stick.  But it goes on…

“Right, I’ll have a vodka and tonic.  But what kind of vodka do you have?”

“Absolut, Smirnoff, Grey Goose”

“No Kettle One?”

“No”

“Oh for God’s sake, what kind of place is this?”

“Who’s next!”

“No wait, I’ll have a grey goose and tonic.  Schweppes tonic, slimline”

“Fine”

“Oh, can I pay by Laser?”

Which brings me around to my other complaints about cunts who think the bar is just for them.  Just because a bar doesn’t stock the drink you might think is trendy at this particular moment doesn’t mean it’s a shite hole.  The more stock a bar carries, the more money is sitting on the shelf.  And they’d rather have money sitting on the shelf that they’re certain will turn into lovely profits.

I’ve been working in this business for over 15 years and there are drinks that just don’t sell.  Like Campari.  Campari was invented by some metrosexual who didn’t like the taste of stuff that didn’t taste like chimpanzee piss with red food colouring in it.  You’ll never sell any.  But every bar will for some reason have a bottle of it, probably for colour more than anything else.  I worked in a place that had a bottle there for 4 years, never sold a drop.  I gave the bottle to the chef who tried to make some kind of desert or sauce out of it.  I shit you not, the very next day two plonkers walked in who only drink Campari.

Fuck you universe.

Here’s the thing, you’re standing at the bar long enough to tut and sigh and roll your eyes.  Take a look around.  If you don’t see the drink you’re after, chances are it’s not there.  You can ask by all means but don’t throw a fit like a spoilt kid in Willy Wonka’s factory when they say they haven’t got it.  People will regress to when they were 4 and their mother wouldn’t get them sweets at the supermarket checkout.  It’s the most pathetic thing an adult can do.

Payment.  Yes you can pay by card.  If you pay by Laser, get cash back.  It’ll save time and a grumpy barman and other tutting customers every time you return with your flexible only friend.  Paying by credit card?  Set up a tab and leave your card behind the counter.  It’ll be safe, if in doubt set it up with a manager or supervisor.  Won’t work in places like nightclubs, but if you’re paying by card in a nightclub the bouncers might be called over to extract your balls with a rusty spoon.

Ordering.  Don’t shout for a bottle of beer to make the barman think that’s all you want and he can get rid of you, only to reel off a whole order when he brings it to you.  But that said, it’s better than ordering a bottle of beer, getting it, ordering another bottle of beer, getting it, ordering a vodka and coke, getting and then ordering something else.  Give the whole order at once, most of us know what we’re doing and can remember stuff.  It’s our job.  Oh, if you have a large round to get in, order the stout first.  Nothing will piss bar staff off more than making a 10 drink order only to have a Guinness ordered last, you fuckwit.

Closing time.  Oh shit the bar’s closing I better order another 12 drinks.  Do you buy extra bread when the supermarket is closing?  Lodge extra money when the bank is closing?  It’s taken you half an hour to drink each of your drinks all night.  Do you really think staff want to wait around for you to finish a marathon round on your own?  It’s a false investment anyway, licensing laws state that 30 minutes after closing, patrons have to be off the premises.  This is why bouncers don’t give a flying fuck how many drinks you’ve bought or how much you’ve spent on them.  Get out.

Ah, I love Thursdays.

What’s hot

Longer days

Last week we didn’t like the clocks going forward as it deprived us of an hour’s sleep.  Now since we’ve gotten over the jetlag we like that we don’t have to use our headlights at 5 in the afternoon.  Plus the extra sunlight might take that vampire zombie look off of us that we’ve been sporting since Christmas.

Bayonetta

Once again some of us are a little slow to this game, but this is a game about a hot witch who kills angels.  She sucks on lollipops and her clothes disappear when she’s kicking proper ass.  What’s not to love?  Plus the game itself isn’t the most steaming pile of baby vomit ever.  Alright we’ll say it.  We’d love to bayonet her.

Doner Kebabs

The proper ones with half a chopped up little cute lamb covered in chilli and garlic sauce all wrapped up in oven warm bread.  The best thing when you’ve had a feed of beer and even better when you wake up hungry and find the extra one you bought and have it cold for breakfast.

Reading on the toilet

We swear that if libraries had more toilets in them, we’d happily go in there, pick up some WB Yeats and get down to it.  Now we wouldn’t.  Reading The Sun, Front, Loaded and FHM on the porcelain thrown is about as cultured as we get, and because our trousers are already down, we might as well take care of some other business too.  Last time we tried that in the library we got thrown out and put on a register.

The American Office

Reluctantly we got into this as we thought that nothing could top the original, but wouldn’t you know it, it did.  Steve Carell gives tons of cringe worthy moments and the pranks played on Dwight are always priceless.  Shippidy boppidy.

What’s not

No better than half price after Easter eggs?

Gone are the days when we’d go to the supermarket on an Easter Sunday and Monday and find all the left over Easter eggs were down to crazy prices that would make us giddy.  Now, even 6 weeks before Easter and the eggs are cheaper than yer ma.  Our trip to the supermarket on Easter Sunday was met with sad times.  Probably for the best, we got a summons from the court of diabetes.

Ugly feet

The weather is getting a little better and we should be in for a great summer, which is good because the lady folk sometimes like to wear flip flops, sandal type things and anything that will show off their mad pedicuring skills.  There’s nothing lovelier than cute tootsies.  They give us something to look at when the ladies catch us gawping at their chesticles.  Done right it can make us look shy, which the ladies love.  However, bad feet = bad times.  One time we were getting freaky with a lady and decided to go for some kinky toe sucking action until we were interrupted by the question “what are you doing down there?”. Turns out we were nomming a bunion.  The really sick thing was that she was the one who was disgusted.  Sake.

Nice biscuits

Not biscuits that would give the cookie monster a hard on, you know the ones.  Rectangle and plain with the word NICE on them?  My granny even hates these little non nice fuckers and she remembers a time when she used to save her butter vouchers for a packet of decent biscuits.  Give me a chocolate hobnob anyday, or at the very least a chocolate digestive.  Stick those “nice” biscuits right up your hoop.

We’re not the site to get bogged down in the serious issues of life, there’s plenty of other sites around to do that.  But as Editor of this fine site, I decided that this news was just too huge to go unmentioned.

I have a friend who happens to be junior editor in a small local newspaper in Wicklow, he just called me and I can’t believe what he’s just told me.

Here’s what’s just come off the presses:

Click for a bigger view

It goes on:

“As you may be aware, Ireland doesn’t have an abundance of volcanoes, let alone one that we could hollow out and refurbish for our scientist.  Plus a nuclear facility will always have the potential to breakdown and this, in theory could play havoc with the DNA of the scientist’s minions and mutate them.  This is critical as mutated minions seem to be the preferred foot soldiers of evil scientists.”

When pressed by the reporter about why Ireland would need a super evil scientist, the chief CUNT seemed to get flustered and shout:

“Your face!  That’s why!”

Reports are still sketchy and will surely be all over the mainstream news before long.  A lighthouse had to be evacuated for the safety of the resident and a group of teenagers who were knacker drinking on the beach were taken to hospital for observation and stomach pumping after one of them had downed some radioactive water for a dare.  They also had their cider confiscated.

One of the teenagers remarked:

“It’s a load of bollix so it is.  Who are these cunts, taking our drink off us.  They’re panicking because Git drank some of the water, but we’re in Wicklow, all us down here look like lepers with webbed feet as it is, it’s nothing to do with the nuclear water”

A public health warning is currently being drafted up and will be posted on local authority websites shortly.  However, the CUNTS are appealing for anyone who has been exposed to contaminated water to report to their headquarters for testing, saying:

“We need people to come in so that we can examine the full extent of any mutations that may have occurred.  We can promise that we will in no way experiment with anal probes like some people are suggesting.  Also, people should be aware that you can only become infected by being in contact with the water.  You won’t be infected by being bitten.  We’re pretty sure the mutation hasn’t transformed people into flesh eating zombies.  That would be ludicrous.”

They also reckon that there isn’t much to be concerned about:

“Let’s look at it this way, it can only improve their way of life down here.  Remember in Gremlins 2 when one of them drank a brain drink and it made it all clever and sophisticated?  It’ll just be like that.  Imagine if they all started running around singing “New York, New York” in a British accent.  That’d be gas.  But seriously, they’ll have to come to our secret headquarters.  We can’t tell you where it is, but if they find it through the messages we’ve left in the word jumble of the local newspaper, they’ll find it, plus they could win €25.”

Reports are still sketchy, but we were able to secure photographic evidence of some people who were exposed to contaminated water.  We can’t publish it, as it’s quite graphic and some may find it disturbing, but the link below will show you the full extent of the danger.

Be sure to take care, and if we hear anything more about it, we’ll bring it to you as soon as humanly possible.

Discretion (NSFW) and a strong stomach are required before you even consider looking at the horror.

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE

What’s Hot

Boing

Snow:

So it snowed yesterday and it was just awesome.  Thinking that the world was ending like in a crap movie and that we might have to survive by eating our neighbours is brill.  After all there are one or two of our neighbours that we wouldn’t mind eating, survival or not.

Coddle:

What better way to veg out on the couch with the fire going and the birds out in the trees freezing their balls right off than with a big steaming bowl of coddle?  It looks like albino vomit with sausage skin floaters that remind you of your flatmates used condoms floating in the toilet, but it tastes like just like you’d imagine an angel’s minge would.

Jason Statham:

His movies are so terrible they make you want to gouge out your own spleen with a rabid camel, but at the same time they’re so fucking kick ass that you end up jumping around your living room using the cat as nun chucks.  His accent switches from American to English in a matter of syllables but that’s ok, because we can’t decide if we’d rather be James Bond or some American version of James Bond.  We’re not saying he’s hot in a “OMG, I like get so totally moisht when he takes his shirt off and kicks the ever loving shit out of some Russians”, but the semi we have may need some explaining.

Dante’s Inferno:

Click for absofuckingawesomeness

Yes this game has been out for quite a while now, but some of us are only getting around to it now.  Let us tell you this, it has naked chicks in it.  Naked chicks!  One of them is a hot demon chick who can summon demons out of her nipples.  We shit you not.  We think it’s so brilliant that we’ve made up a whole new word to describe the emotion it brings – Absofuckingawesome®©™.

April Fool’s Day:

We don’t need any excuse to switch the contents of the peanut butter jar with the contents of our grannies nappy, but on April Fool’s day we can get away with it scot free.  No judgement, no civil cases, no reason for the victim to get angry, it’s the law.

What’s not

We've gone all floppy

Snow:

Pish off you cold, windy, slushy, pipe freezing, eco nut proving cunt.  we had enough of you over Christmas and we were on our way out to buy tshirts and flip flops to wear on Casual Friday.  Snow is the ginger of weather conditions.  No friends and it makes you shiver when it touches you.

Ads on TV:

Every fifteen minutes?  Every fucking channel at the same fucking time?  I have a dishwasher so I don’t buy Fairy cunting liquid at all.  And as for that cunt on E4 who sings about the phones?  We can’t wait for the day that we see him walking down the street cos when we do, we’ll bail out of our van and beat the crap out of him and sing about it in a four part harmony.  Cunt off.  Whoa-hooohoh.

Cold sores:

“Hey there face, how you doing lately?  Looking fine, yeah you’re hot.  Well I just thought I’d pay a visit and fuck your shit right up.  Tingle, pain, throb, scab, bleed, scab, pick pick pick, but I’ll be back again soon.  Sincerely, Herpes.” Well, that’s what happens when we have some blue waffle* for breakfast.

April Fool’s Day:

Check the contents of the Peanut butter jar before applying to your toast.  You’ll thank us for it.  We never had the luxury of a warning.

*We’re not linking to it.  Google Blue Waffle and click the first link you get, just don’t do it in work.