What’s hot:

Singing shit in shops

What the...? but, what is...? What the fuckery is this thing?

Nothing says “I’m an annoying little cunt” like running through the decorations department and setting off all the singing and dancing santas and rudolfs and snowmen and handicapped dudes in wheelchairs.

Ok, so that dude was already singing and collecting for charity before we went over and squeezed his belly, but it was fun all the same.

Guaranteed to fuck some people off, but if you’ve any luck you’ll have worked towards wasting all the batteries so that it ruins someone’s utterly already shit Christmas.

Selection boxes:

Wait, hang on just a titty fucking minute, you mean that I can get all of these chocolate bars I never buy usually in one handy dispensing shitty themed box with a snowman to colour in on the back?

Sold.

Lesbians in photoshoots themed to be all Christmassy

I mean, what says Christmas more than two or more hot chicks ating the crackers off of each other under some mistletoe?  Not too much, let me tell you.

God hates the filthy gays, but he loves the lesbians which is why he’s reserved space just for us on the Lesbian Cloud when we die.  Right next to the Feelings Corner where we can go to talk about what’s really going on.  Because in heaven you don’t have to be afraid.

Plus Lesbian Angels are horny as fuck.

See Fig 1-3

Fig 1 - Awesome

Fig 2 - Awesomer

Fig 3 - Awesomest. You should look up the rest of the pics in this set, they'll make you want to choke yourself to death to get to the lesbian cloud. Well, choke something at least.

Sitting on Santa’s Lap

Too old to sit on Santa’s lap?  Nope, not if you get your mate to go up to the grumpy elf and say that you’re dying of full blown AIDS and Jimmy Saville died so he can’t fix it for you to not have full blown AIDS so the least he can do is let you see Santa before you die of full blown AIDS all over the kids in the queue.

Then when you’re on his knee, look him in the eye, tell him he’s not the real Santa and shout “No I won’t touch you there”.  Even if you’re the biggest kid he’s ever had on his lap (and with today’s obesity that’s a slim chance), he can’t break character.  If he does he’ll be fired and will beat the elf some more.

Not that that’s a bad thing, those elfy bastards need to be taken down a peg or two.

Oh, and don’t forget to ask for a surprise and an Atari when you’re on his knee.  And to ask him if that’s a candy cane in his pocket, or if he’s happy to see you because it feels like an erect penis.

In fairness, he's just a Santa.

What’s Hot

Pushpops

When I was a kid and this ad came on, it created a kind of wild hysteria that rivalled that of the Beatles and Elvis combined.

“Holy fucking shitballs, a piece of hard sugar full of E numbers in a brightly branded plastic casing?  Go fuck yourself, that’s not true?

Oh and it has a catchy song that makes the product stick in your head?  You’re fucking with me, right?”

No, but what we didn’t realise at the time was that there was a 30 second commercial full of kids sucking phallic shaped objects way to enthusiastically.

Oh, and in a (probably) accidental hilarious corporate racism, they give the black kid the chance to big up the tropical flavours.

What isn’t hot about this is that when the local shop got in a measly box of them, they sold out in a shot and I had to wait another week to get my lips around a push pop.

Good stuff though.  And now I can buy one without fear of being stampeded in the shops.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Getting your hair cut

I have a friend who’s a barber, and you’ll know this from going to them.  No matter if it’s the local guy who’s been doing it since he was in school.  The cheap place in town that does it for €1 and a packet of Love Hearts or your local friendly Sam’s, all barbers only have one move.

Short, back and sides.

I dare you to ask for anything out of the ordinary, it’ll fuck them up while they google it on their iPhones and have a conference over by the steriliser.

But aside from that, each and every barber shop in the country has the token hot chick.  She’ll flirt and make you feel like her special guy as she lightly and playfully rests her hard nipples in your ear.

Until she tells you it’s €12, you hand her a €20 and she smiles and says she’ll have to owe you the change because everyone’s been paying with twenties.

“Don’t worry about it, you keep it have a drink tonight on me.  Sure maybe I’ll see you around”

“Can’t, sorry I’m staying in tonight and letting my shitty boyfriend do me up the bum while I lez it up with my hot cousin”.

Bitch.

Still, that ear/nipple action will keep you through the afternoon.

Nicola Roberts

You'll think we did stuff to this pic to make her look wretched, but actually it's one of the first ones in Google images. We did shit.

Yeah, we just put her in the voting for the next Sexy Starlets because she was part of Girls Aloud, but we never expected her to get anywhere.  Actually I’ve always had a soft spot for the ginger one, but I have to admit that she does have a certain zombie quality to her.  Ah well at least if I ever did get to slip her one I’d know that it was for my brains and not for my rippling good looks.

Finding money in clothes you haven’t worn in a while

What’s better than laying off the shite for a while and fitting back into those jeans that haven’t fit you in ages?

No we haven’t robbed a transcript from Loose Women, but I’ll tell you what.

Finding a €50 in the pocket that you forgot you had.  Now before you scream “You cunt, it’s well for some people that they can forget they have fifties lying around the place”, hear me out.

The reason it was in there was because you were a fat bastard on the way back from the bakery/chip shop/lonely fat bastard porn shop and you waddled into your apartment giddy with excitement at your new purchases.

By the time you’d wanked yourself into oblivion and eaten the rest of your apartment, the tracksuit came out and those jeans became a fond memory.

Now you can fit into them and you’ve got some funds to pleasure the ladies with.

Samuel L Jackson

We all know that Sam is the king of all that is cool, it’s a given.  Someone, who like Morgan Freeman could recite the phonebook and we’d find it entertaining and engaging.

Well, maybe not the phone book, but how about a children’s book?

Not sold?

How about a children’s book full of the word FUCK?

Brilliant.

Click here to view the embedded video.

What’s not

Duke Nukem Forever

Hail to the King? Right, will do. You just let us know when he gets here. Fucker.

12 years in the making.  You’d think after 12 years someone would tell them they were making a pile of stinking donkey spunk.  The graphics are out of date, the enemies are an equal combination of boring and frustrating as fuck, the weapons are shite and there isn’t nearly as many naked lesbian ladies as we were expecting.

And that’s just the single player.  The multiplayer is more disappointing than a penis sporting Kate Upton.

We’d have waited another 12 years just to be sure it didn’t make us feel violated.

There hasn’t been so much hype around a shitty game since THQ buggered us with Homefront.

LA Noire

All of the above, except worse.

The graphics are the best thing about this game, but it was 3 discs of a snoozefest.

Press Y if she’s lying or some shit.

How the fuck do I know?  This shit is so heavily scripted that it matters not how I answer.  How Rockstar went from GTA to this is a travesty.  Red Dead Redemption wasn’t brilliant either lads.  I sense a GTA reboot in the works.

Toys in cereal boxes

Remember when you were a kid, right around the Pushpop era, and you could pick any cereal box off a supermarket shelf and it’d have a toy in it?  Yeah, that was awesome.

Until some snotty little shitebags decided to ignore paying attention to what went into their mouths and ate the toys along with the cereal and choked to death.  I say good riddance.  Because now when you buy cereal you get tokens for books.

Books?  Fucking books?  Cunt right off with your books, we have the back of the cereal boxes to read, and even then I’m sure we can get that on the Kindle.  So stuff your books up your honey monster.

Kellogg's Bike Spoke Reflectors were the shiz, I had them all. We all did. Not any more though.

Oh and if you’re a parent reading this whose child choked to death on a bike spoke reflector, well then count yourself lucky.  That’s natural selection right there.  It also proves there is no God, just incase you were asking why he took your baby.

If there is a God, he took your baby because it was too shit dumb not to eat a pointy, hurty piece of plastic and do the rest of us out of cool shit.

Crash Repairs

“Jaysis mate, I dunno you could be looking at about €2,500 for that.”

“It’s just a mirror and a scrape!”

“Yup, well count yourself lucky you didn’t take the indicator panel out too”

“But yer man down the road said it could be done for about €150 for the lot”

“Oh right, well I suppose I could do it for that then, I mean I’d be making a loss, but just to get the business like”

Cunts.

Lots that’s hot and lots that’s not so hot.

We don’t know where we come up with the names for these things, but sometimes genius just can’t be explained.

What’s hot

Investments

No not the kind that leaves bankers rich and you in a cardboard gaff with wall to wall corrugation.  The kind of investment of staving off all other males and their advances on the two hot chicks at the party who have said they like to kiss each other “for shock value”.  We couldn’t give a flying donkey spunk why they do it.  Adding WKD and Captain Morgan to your list of investments for the evening and you’ll have a spank bank that other men will give their left nut to see for themselves.

Sexy dream time

It’s not your fault that you dream of those sexy girls doing sexy things to each other.  It is your fault that you haven’t had a wet dream since you were 12 because you’ve wanked your balls into nothing more than dust filled peanut shells.  So when you do have a sexy time dream, you try to make the most of it.  Your missus was going to wash the sheets anyway, right?

Ice cream meets pavement

We may have mentioned this one before, but there’s no other event in this world that will make you feel giddy with joy than seeing a toddler lose their 99 to the pavement.  There’s also not a high speed camera in existence that can catch the moment that utter enjoyment transforms into world shattering loss.  Your eyes catch it though, and in glorious slow motion.  The ensuing screeching and bawling that would normally grate your soul are like sweet music to your ears.

Mette Lindberg

Can’t place the name?  She’s the lead singer of The Asteroids Galaxy Tour and if you haven’t heard of them, they’re the ones performing in the new Heineken ad with the dude having a face off against a ninja.

Of course we told you all about her well before Heineken picked them up.  She’s proper sexy, with a cooky voice that has never suited a band’s music more.

It’s only a matter of time before she’s splashed all across the pages of a lads mag.

We’ve asked her to do a shoot but the mixed sounds of giggling and heavy breathing must have put her off when we called.

Ah well.

Being bare arse naked

Lying on your balcony or in your garden taking in the rays and even getting an all over tan because you’ve shaved your happy trail off with her lady Gillette because she’s blunted your razors on her manky pits.  Even just walking around behind closed doors in the nip is magnificent.  Not to be tried in the local playground, no matter what the weather is like.  You could catch a chill.  And a dirty look or two.

What’s not

Nicotine Cola

Wake up in the morning with a head on you like Worzel Gummidge’s arse.  Staggering downstairs you reach for the nearest liquid to hand, your trusty can of carbonated saviour.  Two gulps in to that warm flat left over from the night before you realise that it’s the can your mate put his fag out in when your missus complained about the stink.  Any ability you had at preventing your hangover vomiting goes out the window, literally.

Shaving

Well excuse me, society but I’ve rather become used to looking like a hobo’s undercarriage.  I’m for re-writing the rules for interviews and social etiquette.  Men’s razor’s should be used for one thing only – the balding up of wimmin’s pink bits.  Let’s face it, by the time the ladies have finished with our blades they’re fuck all use for anything, let alone going near our pretty little faces.

Plus I don’t want to shave again just in case that pervert with no friends from the Gillette ad bursts in with his “WOO how’s it going buddy?  How’s your shave?”

It was going grand until you walked in with your camera crew that I know is there to catch you trying to slip your hand under my towel so that you can put me on your new streaming site under the title of “Changing room shaving men sluts 2″.

I’m not having it.

Sexy dream time ending

So you’re in the middle of your first wet dream in over a decade and just as the ladies are moistening themselves up, they look you in the eye and purr ”Why don’t you…. why don’t you…. why don’t you….” Only to be woken up by your better half shouting at your drooling erect form on the couch shouting ”Why don’t you ever take the rubbish out, you fat sad loser?”. Fuck.  Sake.

You can try going back to sleep to pick up where you left off, but your head will be too messed up so you’ve more chance of dreaming about having a stinky threesome in the back of a rubbish truck with two big hairy men with tattoos.

Confusion

Being more turned on by the rubbish truck threesome than you were with the threesome with you and the toe sucking redheads.

What’s hot

Girls in summer wear

Nothing makes us want to drive or walk around more than the knowledge that the girls are going to be out in their tight little tops for the boob lovers.  The tight jeans, leggings and short shorts for the leg and bum lovers and their sandals and flip flops for feet lovers.

If only we could walk around in our crotchless man pants in a world where women were hard on lovers it’d be a great world.

Easter Eggs

It’s ok to take stuff from your mammy, especially when it’s selection boxes at Christmas and Easter Eggs at, erm Easter.

“Which egg do you want this year son?”

“I want a Wispa and a Yorkie Monster Truck egg ma”

It’s the least she can do for giving you the chance to allow her to do your washing.

Beer Gardens

The weather is getting good again and even if it’s just for one or two slow drinks on a lazy Sunday after noon, there’s nothing like a quiet beer garden.

Sure you could go for a busy one to ogle the women in their flip flops, but you run the risk of dealing with screaming kids because their brilliant parents have brought them to a pub.  Worth it though when one gets stung by a wasp and blows up like a cunt.

Barbecues

When you’ve finished laughing like a prick at the wasp stung little bastards, and scored yourself a little tipsy minx who doesn’t mind dribble on her toes, take her back to your place for a barbecue.

It’s just an excuse to get her even more drunk so that you can poison her with a half cooked sausage and cop a feel of her big toe while you’re holding her hair back over your toilet.

Score!

What’s not

Petrol

Right, so there was a price increase in last year’s budget, but am I the only one who noticed that in the week of anticipation of an increase that there was another separate increase across the board?

€1.51 for a litre of petrol?

It won’t be long before it’s cheaper to power your car on crack cocaine.  In fact if I was a dealer I’d set myself up next to a school with a little tuck shop.  It won’t be long before I’ve a 32 dealer forecourt, a hot and cold deli and a car wash operated by a one armed Hungarian.

Fuck you Oil companies.

Olivia Lee

She’s not dirty.

She’s not sexy.

And if she’s what’s considered funny then I officially give up.  I’ve had teeth pulled that were more fun to experience than her show.

I’m no Lee Evans or Alan Partridge or a fat kid crying because his ice cream fell and he didn’t even get a lick, but I know what funny is.  It’s not her.

Instead of it being called “Dirty Sexy Funny”, it should be called “Not dirty, but it sounds kind of racy if I say it is, not sexy but incredibly average looking and as funny as cat aids of the cock.”

Granted it’s not as catchy, but at least it’s not misleading.

Ice Cream ads

Fuck off HB, seriously.

The random acts of happiness is a good idea for a campaign, it is.  It’s ruined however by your trying to make us believe that they’re some kind of actual spontaneous fly on the wall type of thing.

Bollox, they’ve been planned, scripted with extras and actors hired through casting agencies on a LUAS that was booked for an afternoon.

Oh and anyone who studied advertising in a single class in secondary school will tell you that the one where those ice cream throwing gobshites who assault an office has been kitted out in the HB red.  Most office cubicle walls are dull blue or grey.  Not fucking bright red to coincide with a poxy over paid campaign by some over paid cunts in a marketing office who reckon these will be the next big viral thing.

It won’t.

Fuck off HB, seriously.

Unless you want to bring back the Golly Bar and the Freaky Foot.  In which case, all will be forgiven.

What’s hot

Hot chicks in hot weather wearing tiny clothes

We already looked at this during the week and it’s true.  No sooner has the sun come out than the girls are out in skirts, shorts, tiny tops and the occasional absent bra with peekaboo nips brought on by a chili breeze and lack of cardigan to cover up.

Ok, so you're not likely to see Jessica Alba minus her bra anytime soon on a stroll, but still

The Sopranos

It’s started recently from the beginning on Sky Atlantic HD and it’s brilliant.  Even if you saw it all when it first did the rounds, never saw it before or just want a refresher it’s just the dog’s.  If I’m honest I’m only watching if for the “spit roast scene” that I once heard some mates talking about.  I don’t know when it is, so it’ll be a nice surprise when it, erm, comes around.

Online gaming banter

It never gets old to hear a grown man complain that “you’re a sad camping virgin”, classic.  Yeah well I still owned your ass with a kill death ratio of 30:1.  28 of those kills were off you when you kept coming back to me for more.  You should have done nothing and left me there like the other 7 players did.  Then I would have ended up with a ratio of 3:1 and my dogs wouldn’t have gotten the game winning kill by gargling your balls.

Still when you get a voice message afterwards saying “You fucking cunt, I’m going to own you and rape you and you will wish you were never born”, it’s a little un nerving.  And confusing as it comes with a friend request.

Brilliant.

Homefront

When you’ve had enough of 10 year olds playing an 18′s game and telling you they’re about to rape you, then get rid of the COD game and grab a copy of Homefront.

The online mulitplayer beats the shitty shit out of COD.  I will literally be playing this for years.

What’s not

THQ/Kaos

Don’t know who they are?  If you have a copy of Homefront you do.  Bit of a weird one, but Homefront is a brilliant game.  When it works.

When it doesn’t (and it hasn’t for the last week or so since release) it’s a laggy, horrible piece of shit.  And while they say they’re fixing it, they get awfully quiet about it.

Still, there was a ray of light at the end of the tunnel last night as some of the problems seem to be fixed.  Doesn’t mean they should start sucking each other off just yet though.  Get your fingers out.

Ugly mothers

Should really be in the what’s hot section because when you’re starting to see a new girl and she’s hot, but in a “don’t really know why” kind of category of hot, but better than you’ve had before they can offer closure.

What do I mean by that?

Well, you know how you look like your dad, or uncle or milkman or whoever it was that filled yer ma?

Well that new girl you have looks like her mother, or at least she will do one day.  So if your girl’s mother looks like a melted welly, or something from a Rick Baker school of what not to do, then that’s what you’ll be sticking your mickey into in 30 years time.

Mothers, like a time machine of how looks fade.

So should be in the what’s hot section for their ability to show you what you’re getting into but instead they’re in the what’s not, because instead of just letting you have your fun until you figure it out for yourself they ensure that you’ll never get an erection while in the presence of their naked daughter again.

Of course you could just do the mother and see what she’s like in the sack.  Bedroom skills as well as looks are passed down through the generations.  At least according to the documentaries porn we watch.

Stinky piss

Really?  I haven’t had Sugar Puffs in about 3 years.  And why is it glowing?  Oh wait, probably something to do with that Japanese radioactive refugee who I let gobble me off because she thought I was an immigration official.

She didn’t ask, so I didn’t correct her.

Crappy News headlines

You know the slow news days that happen every now and again.  You know it’s bad when the news spends 90 seconds of a 5 minute news update on how we can’t have things like soy sauce for a while because they’ve put a ban on some Japanese imports.

What’s next?  News headlines telling us that….

• Ross O’Carroll Kelly isn’t funny?
• Twink is old and hungry for more souls?
• Ginger people are people too?
• Ben Dunne is only in business and out of jail because he pays more people off than Ben Dunne?  Wait….

No one gives a shite.  Unless your business is soley supplying Japanese Soy Sauce to people, then you’re kind of fucked.

Cat fights

Nothing makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside than stepping out of the restaurant you brought your lady to on Valentine’s night in Athlone than seeing two female members of the local travelling persuasion knocking seven shades of shite out of each other without as much as a fleeting care that their tits are flopping about all over the place.

Even with bloody noses and sovereign rings, it still conjures up mental images of the kind of catfight we all really want to see.

Girl Gamers

Nothing is more appealing to a man than a woman who can kick his arse.  Of course you can pay for a dominatrix to do that for you, but she won’t even let you wank while she does it unless you pay extra and agree on a safety word before hand.

But online, and playing with girls?  First off, hearing their angelic voices call you a snivelling cunt over the broadband is enough to have you sporting more wood than a horny wood chuck.  But when they hand you your own arse on a silver platter.  Well you could just marry them and have their babies.

Check more of them out HERE.

Finding money in clothes you haven’t worn in ages

Nothing clean to wear, so you dig around the pile of clothes on the bedroom floor and grab the first thing that you can.  It’s a pair of jeans that you haven’t worn in about 6 months.  No time to worry about your amazing lack of personal hygeine, these bad boys have a €50 in the pocket.

The gods are smiling on you today.  You could put it away or even splurge it down the pub.  But this is just the €50 you need to put that legal wank/safety word into place.

Serene Branson

By now you’ll have surely seen the video of American reporter Serene Branson, we linked to it days ago on our links page.  If you haven’t here it is.  Rumours are still going around that it was a stroke live on air, or that she had some kind of seizure.

We reckon it was just one of those moments when you get flustered and your mouth tells your brain to do one and then you don’t know what to do with yourself.  But she went with it anyway like the trooper she is and poor her we were all there to see it forever.  And ever.

And some clever dick has autotuned a song out of it.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s a pity she didn’t make it onto our list for the reason of actually being hot.  But we don’t watch American outside coverage of the Grammy’s every day, so…..

Biscuit dunking

Whether it’s a rich tea or sucking the chocolate up through a Kit Kat, we’ve all got our favourite.  Although be careful.

A single Kit Kat finger is fine, try it with a chunky and you’ll look like you’re sucking off your mug.

What’s Not

The Election

We’re truly bored now.  But with Fine Gael looking like they could get in on their own and them being on the telly this morning saying that they’re going to cut even more money off the dole over the next three years, do you really want them in ?  And if they bring Labour with them which will mean that the unions get richer and more powerful than they already are, do you really want them in?

Of course you could go with the Greens who get going when the going gets tough or back with Fianna Fail who have developed a taste for electorate buggery.

But you could always defend a history you don’t fully understand, hate the English and vote Sinn Fein.

Oh joy.

Never mind an Obama style “Yes We Can!”.

How about an Irish “We’re still fucked”?

Eurosong

Really?  Jedward?

Did Dustin not embarrass us enough back when he did it?  There are under developed Eastern European countries that can’t even afford paper to write a song on that are laughing at us and will do so on the night of the contest.

This is why democracy doesn’t work.  And also why people with children shouldn’t be allowed to parent the kids themselves.

“Mammy, can I vote for Jedward again?”

“How many times is that now, sweetheart?”

“Only 17, but if they don’t win it’ll be totally rubbish.com”

“Ok, one more then”

Cunts.

Could be worse, our own J-Lo could be talking to Jennifer over a bottle of wine once in a lifetime or some shit.

.com

Right, let’s nip this in the bud right here.  If something is shite, say it’s shite.  You don’t need to say it’s shite.com.  If something tickles your winkle then say it’s brilliant, or awesome.  Not awesome.com.

Where the fuck did it come from and how did it catch on?  I’ve heard grown men saying it in adult conversations and it makes me want to kick them.

Kick them right in their stupidcan’tcomeupwithanoriginalwaytoexpressthemselvesfaces.com.

Anyone who speaks like this is a complete cuntnugget.com.

Jennifer Garner

She looks like a melted welly stretched over a pelvis.  And yet, well it would be mean to go on with this.

Nuff said.

Romantic Comedies

The inspiration for the Jennifer Garner comment.  Plus how does Ashton Kutcher keep getting work?  Why is there never a single actual comedic scene or comment in these “comedies”?

We’ve had enough already.  The scripts could be written by a retarded mannequin.  And yet women lap this shit up.  We get it.  Boy meets girl, girl isn’t interested then girl is interested but boy isn’t then something happens that bonds the two of them together forever.

Fuck right off.

And take Ashton Kutcher with you.

Our weekly dose of what’s yanking our crank and cranking our yank lately…..

What’s hot….

Easter Eggs

Who cares that as soon as selection boxes came off the shelves in January that the first Easter Eggs went up?  We do, that’s who.

You should feel guilty buying them, after all you’re too old for Easter Eggs now and the only people buying them this early are sad pedo losers stocking up for some sort of weird Easter apocalypse.

So when you go to the checkout with an Easter Egg before Easter Saturday and the girl at the counter gives you the same knowing look she gives virgins when they buy a copy of Cosmopolitan for their “girlfriend” and a tube of handcream.

She knows like the rest of us that you’re going home to eat that bad boy like Oprah on a Trocaire fast.

And that’s ok, because you don’t care.  In fact, her knowing will make your handcream and Cosmo wank all the more filthy later on.

Proper Greeting Cards

Never mind the sentiments of “Congratulations on your exam results” bollox.  People respond to honesty.  So next time that bloke turns up in the pub to shuffle into your group of manly mates and order a milky cocktail only when it’s not his round, just slip this card into his jacket pocket when he shuffles off to the jacks with the ladies….

Working for Boob.ie

Aside from being on the country’s most popular website for men and being in the awesomest team of bestest friends forever you get to go to photoshoots with the hot chicks who advertise Lynx deodorant.

Which is where our Paddy is this morning.

You get to look scruffy, not wash for a while and yet you still get to have your picture taken with hot chicks who you’re sure aren’t just there because they’re being paid to be.  Or maybe you’re used to that…..

Boxsets

Sad are the people who get sucked into a telly series over the course of the best part of a decade.  The cliffhanging episodes that you have to wait for answers for.  The season finale’s that leave you on the edge of your seat and wondering for months what’s going to happen next.

Wait til it’s all over then grab yourself the complete boxset, camp on the couch for a month and knock it out as quick as you can.  Brilliant.

Never mind that your mind will be taken over by the writers of the show and your subconscious will have you convinced that a polar bear is your best mate while you drive around in a VW camper van trying to rescue the world from a weird cloud of black smoke.

Then it’s over and your insides feel empty and the real world beckons and it’s shite again.  Ah well, at least you didn’t waste 6 years of your life on it.

What’s not

KFC ads

Who.  The.  Fuck.  Do.  You.  Think.  You.  Are.  Fooling?

I can’t find the one of that skinny little fucker who is trying to convince us that he’s a chef who prepares the chicken.  Yeah right.

When’s the last time you walked into a KFC and saw anyone dressed as a chef?  Oh, so you prepare it all fresh do you?  Do you bollox.

If you haven’t seen this one yet you’d think it was an add for some poncy supermarket.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Trained chefs?  Yeah right, but let’s put that lie aside for a minute and address the greasy floors and “restaurants” that stink of piss.  Actually let’s not bother, they don’t either.

Cactuseseseses

Oh, you know what would be a great idea?  A bit of greenery around the place to brighten it up a bit.

Proper plants – nope, they’ll die when we don’t water them.

Flowers – nope, we haven’t got anything to apologise for and we’re not Elton John.

A cactus – a drop of water and it’s grand for a year.  Sorted.

Until you take the little stabby bastard out of the little plastic carry case and it fucks your shit right up.  I got one of those needles stuck under my finger nail last week and my soul still wants to cry a little bit.  I can’t go near my coffee table now.

Oh and you can’t even call them cactuses, or cactus’s.  You have to call them Cacti.

Gay.

Not being able to understand the locals

“rightsoyougodowntotheroundaboutanddon’tgorightyouwant togostraightthroughand thenovertothe field on the right and thengopastthatbecausethat’snot the one youwant either.  If you hit the trailer on the right you’ve gone too far.”

“Right, so what time is it?”

Lesbians

This one should be in the “what’s hot” section, but hang on…

Sure the ones in the documentaries who all look stunning and smell nice and are open to male contribution don’t actually exist.  I hate to tell you that the documentaries with titles like “No man’s land 27 – Pruney fingers” and “Licky Love 6 – The Echo of the Wizard’s Sleeve” are all fake.

In reality lesbians are women who don’t want your manly offerings and will send you from stranger to the “friend zone” quicker than it takes the butch ones to lose a wide on in a bukkake convention.

It has nothing to do with us asking until we cry if we can watch them and their girlfriend get down to wet each other’s chins and getting shot down with restraining orders.

Still, they do make good documentaries.  And pictures like this one….

Snow

It’s still here.  It’s the longest that the snow has ever lasted as long as we can remember and it means that we get lots more moments to see people slip, fall try and get up without looking like a drunk new born zebra.  Fills us with so much joy.  Oh, and at the risk of sounding like a pesky nazi supremacist, but stuff looks prettier in white.

Beating girls on Xbox

You can’t beat them in real life, or so our mammies tell us.  Plus it makes it harder to get them to put our junk in their mouths if we do it.  Or it makes it easier.  Don’t know.  Must ask Barry the Basher next time we’re down the pub.  He’s a character.  Always starting his sentences with “Me fucking dinner was cold again last night”.

But beating them on Xbox is a whole different thing.  Women are all the same, but here you can get revenge.  Laugh at my small willy, will you?  Spend all our money on shoes and menstrual cycles, will you?  (That’s what they spend money on, right?)  Well take this for a tea baggin in Call of Duty beyotch.

Even if she beats you, you can still win by calling her a big lesbo.

When the screaming baby on the bus stops being a little cunt

Jaysus, but is there no sanctuary in the world anymore?  Even with earphones in, that screaming little ginger baby with the mother who, quite rightly is pretending that she isn’t the one with the ginger child is piercing your soul.

But after the longest 15 minutes in history, there is silence.  No more devil spawn screeching that makes you want to rip its throat out and ram it up its arse.

Silence, beautiful beautiful silence.  All is well in the world again and you feel like you can take on any challenge.  Apart from raising a horrible ginger baby, like that poor woman has to do.  And knowing that you’re not stuck with that fate makes you all warm and fuzzy inside all over again.

Remembering the words to a song that you haven’t heard in ages

Tried this on the Facebook page and only secured a patial win.  But remembering the words to Kris Kros’ Jump when it’s on the radio makes you feel like a champion and a genius.  And old.  But a genius!

Snow

We never had snow when we were kids.  We’d have to make slush balls to throw at passing cars and buses.  Which was a danger in itself as you’d have to dodge the cars and buses to try and gather enough slush to make said slush balls.  That was some nasty cold, slushy non snowball having childhood right there, dawg.

Now we have enough of this shit to sell to a poor drowning polar bear who’s up shit creak with out an iceberg for a paddle.  Or something.

Plus, years of throwing slush balls has meant that we now have the arm to skull the local kids with a well placed nose snow ball smash that will make their face look like a strawberry slush puppie and make you feel like a man regaining his childhood in a safe, non creepy Michael Jackson kind of way.

Ivy Snow

Never heard of her?

Fuck, we hadn’t either then we went searching for snow boobs.  And BAM!  We had an icicle in our pants.

We haven’t done a whole lot of actual research into her, but Google images shows up some promising results.  It doesn’t matter that she has more tattoos than a Hells Angel’s left bollock, we like her a lot.  She’ll be featured as a Girl of the Internet very soon….

Snow Boobs

Like building a snowman, only a woman version of a snowman.  A snow woman so to speak.  Only without a face, body, legs, personality and with boobs and little snowy nipples.

Quality.  Check out our Facebook page for details on how to win a competition for a picture of your finest pair of snow boobs.

The Toy Show

Yeah, it happened ages ago now, but with this and the snow it was enough to make us forget about the shite that’s going on at the moment and remember what it was like to be a kid and look forward to Christmas.  Plus whatever you think about Ryan Tubridy, he was infinitely better than Pat Kunting Kenny.  Great piece of programming.  Pity about all the kids in it though.

Cold side of the pillow

No matter how cold it is outside the apartment/house or even the duvet, nothing is more satisfying than the cold side of the pillow.  Turning that bad boy over and laying your ugly face down on it reminds you that it may be Baltic outside, but it’s toasty in your bed.

What’s not

Bailout

Yes we’re fucked.  Yes we’re Europe’s bitch.  Yes even Iceland and Greece are laughing at us.  Yes our leaders are gormless deceitful cunts who are the example to the world of the kind of people never to elect to power.  Yes we’ll be repaying the loan for so long that Africa’s history books will look down on us with pity.  I’ve forgotten my uplifting point….

Snow

Know why we didn’t have snow when we were younger?  Because it’s a pain in the hole, that’s why.  We used to laugh at other countries who had troubles with snow and ice and slush and frozen water pipes and slipping on footpaths in front of the local hot chicks and looking like a cunt.

Get ta fuck.  Although it is good for snow boobs.

People who expect free drinks

“Here, barman!  I’ve been coming in here all year, where’s me Christmas drink?”

Get ta fuck you horrible non entitlement to a free drink having wank stain.  Do you call up the ESB and demand free electricity?  Call up Brennans and say you’re entitled to free bread?  Your butcher and ask where your free steak is?

No.  So stop being a wanker.

Computer viruses

They’re everywhere.  Ones that can’t be removed by anti-virus software.  Ones that come in through Facebook and make every one think you’re a porn fiend and a degenerate.  There’s no other event in the world that can make a man regret looking at porn than your computer crashing and some virus giving you the finger.

There was no way I was bringing my laptop to get fixed by a pro.  Remember what happened to Gary Glitter?  They wouldn’t honour his warranty or anything.

That’s how they get ya!

That's hot

What’s hot

Black Ops

Still playing it.  There’s so much to do, so little time.

Some people whinging that it’s not as good as MW2.  Yeah, it was never going to be.  But it’s still a worthy investment until MW3 comes out.  Oh, and there’s nothing wrong with a little camping.

Football Tennis

We don’t need to go into this anymore, but one of our lads and his mates are off to the fucking WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS to represent this poor land.

Check it HERE and HERE

Monopoly

Our resident designer, admin and graphic guru, Ham Solo got bored with listening to all the shite about the economy and decided to make up a version of Monopoly.

We reckon it’d be a winner.  A great stocking stuffer for the children of bankers.  Or a suppository for their parents.

Roses/Quality Street

€6 a tin for a big fuck off tin?  Why aren’t they this cheap all year round?  Oh and if you write to one of the companies making them complaining that you didn’t get enough hazelnut in caramel ones, they send you a big sorry letter and a voucher for a free tin!

The country is fucked, but we have cheap sweets.  It’s all right really.

The Walking Dead

If you still haven’t caught up with this, you should.  It’s proper good.  They haven’t even explained why the world is a big zombiefest, and chances are they probably won’t until the stories run a bit dry.  Looks a bit clever, so here’s hoping it doesn’t forget how to be clever and disappear up its own hole like LOST did.

That's not

What’s not

Shitty internet connections

“Oh, we can offer you up to 20mb broadband!”

Except it’s not offered in our area and the standard broadband you CAN offer is “up to 8mb” which really just means that you have some excuses to back yourself up when we call to tell you to stick this shitty connection up your bollix.  There’s a shanty town in Brazil somewhere with better broadband than I’m having to put up with right now.

I don’t need to name anyone, they’re all the same.

And that Wimax cunt can cunt right off too.

The EMF

Apparently these people came to Ireland this week?  Why were we not told of a reunion?  We fucking love this song.  Honestly, sometimes we think that this whole economy thing is taking away from us having a good time.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Missing the toilet in the dark

Sure, who cares when you’re actually still half asleep and all you want to do is have a piss and get back to dreaming about Charlotte Church talking dirty to you in that delightful filthy accent while you suck her toes.  Actually, she’s sucking your toes now, the filthy bitch.  No wait, that’s just splash back from the poor aim in the dark and you’ve pissed all over your toes.

You would worry, get pissed off, wake up enough to clean it so that it doesn’t stink the place out, but Charlotte’s still sucking and has invited Emma Bunton into the mix.  If they don’t care, why should you?

10pm off licence closing time

Ok, so this has been in place for a couple of years now, but seriously.  It’s not often I want to go to the offy.  But when I do I want to make sure it’s open passed a 9 year old’s bed time.  Fuck sake.

Oh, and a kind word to supermarket staff.  If you see someone with a basket that contains alcohol and it’s nearing 10pm, do the decent thing and either work faster, get another checkout open or at least tell them that by the time they get to you, it’ll be too late to purchase it.

Cunts.

Waiting until we get up to you and greeting us with a snotty “no alcohol after 10″ will result in the world’s biggest hissy fit and unanswered strongly worded email ever.

Trust us.