Two boobs good, four boobs better

It seems that one, or even two instalments of this weren’t enough.  Everyday we witness more and more men behaving in more and more unmanly ways.

I think it’s everyone’s civic duty to print these lists out and carry them around to happy slap the next silly cunt with.  Together we can stop this behaviour

Thou shall have a bottle opener on a key chain

OI! Men's Health! Noooooooo!

Men’s Health reckon that a man should never carry one.  But they have pictures of dudes on their covers, so we’ll take whatever they say with a dumpster full of salt and a double check that we still have our testicles.

What’s more manly than being ready to open a beer at every, EVERY opportunity that arises.  Beer solves every problem in the world.  Apart from alcoholism, but the jury is out on that one.  The only thing that holds back the epicness of beer time is when we hear the words, “Anyone got an opener?”.

Of course the only thing manlier is to open the beer with a cigarette lighter, or your teeth.

Personally, I’ve trained my beard to open beer bottles, so I trump all you motherfuckers.

Thou shall christen thy self

Give yourself a nickname.  What’s cooler than demanding that everyone calls you Buster McThunderstick?  Or being one of those seasoned old dogs holding up the local bar with names like “Aul Flower” and “A little bit rapey John”.

Sure when you were a kid others would give you a nickname based on your looks or behaviour.  Which would explain why I was called “gonna be a virgin till his late 20′s Maxi” and my best friend was called “doesn’t know he’s gay yet Martin”.

Now you can have complete control over what people call you.  Unless you’re already known as a cunt.  Then you’re pretty much fucked.

This lovely picture of Jessica Jane Clement's only purpose is to show Men's Health what they're doing wrong. Ok, so it serves more than that....

Thou shall lie to children

Children don’t know any better, they have dreams and bless them, they look up to adults.  Lie to them and tell them that they can be whatever they want to be.  A fireman, a wrestler, an actor or a rock star.  Do it safe in the knowledge that Firemen don’t get paid, wrestlers get into lycra onesies and rub up against other men, actors are all waiters and most Irish rock stars end up doing cover versions in pubs in exchange for the slops from the drinks trays.

Then he’ll end up in an office wanting to staple his nuts to the desk just to see if he can still feel anything.

Circle of life and all that.

Thou shalt never tut and sigh

What are you?  A bitch?  If you’re in a queue that hasn’t moved and you can see no acceptable reason why it shouldn’t have moved by now, then be a man and do something.  In raised, but non aggressive voice ask the cunts in charge of the queue what the cunting hold up is, or something.  But standing there, shuffling from one foot to the other, sighing, tutting and looking at your watch makes it look like you have an appointment to get your vagina tightened and don’t want to miss it.

Man up.  Next you’ll be giving out that your UGG boots are scuffed up and your back combed hair hasn’t got enough volume.  And unless you’re giving Katy Perry a generous hoofing, you shouldn’t be complaining about any of that.

Thou shalt never own a small yappy dog

These are for hotel heiresses with no tits, a drug problem and a sex tape.  They’re also for little old dears who take them to the post office and leave the poor little fucker tied up outside for the local delinquents to molest.

You’re a man, if you need or want a dog, get one with a rough sounding name like a Rottweiller, German Shepherd or Bigbollix.  Then name it something like Bruno, King or Fuck me.

So when you’re out walking it and it gets off the leash you can do the thing of calling your dog like

“Heeeee-oooooooooorrrrrrrrrr Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuno!”

Or when a fuckwit burglar hops your wall it’ll be greeted by your manly pooch and shout “Fuck me!”.  Then you can’t be done.

Legal fact.

Probably.

You know the story, you get a call from a rich dead uncle’s lawyer and he’s left you his mansion and all his fortune and his trophy wife that he never got his leg over.  All you have to do is spend one night in his mansion with a group of other hopefuls, which is said to be haunted.  Do that, and the house, money and trophy pussy are all yours.

Simple?

Ever seen a movie with that plotline?  Nothing is ever that easy, unless you follow these steps:

Watch your mouth

Say you believe in ghosts and shit and you’ll be the first one to be bumped off in a murder made to look like a suicide at the hands of the bored and maniacal spirit doing the rounds.  Say you believe in none of that shit and you’ll be tormented all night until you’re carted off screaming and kicking like a Scooby Doo villain.

Saunter into that house, get blind drunk and pass out.  You can do that any other night of the week and sleep through anything.  You can do it here.  The something you have to sleep through might just be a spooky ass raping, but let’s face it, there’s no other kind.  Best you’re in a booze coma for it.  Worst case scenario you wake up with a sore head, and sphincter.

Get your place in the pecking order

This is the last place, the place that sees you smile and sigh a sigh of relief as the sun rises on the horizon and you look around at a pile of dead pieces of bodies.  You will make it through the night, but you need to be savvy.

Yeah maybe, but it'll keep your ass alive and you know it

Fuck being racist for a minute, but don’t be the black/asian/mexican or whatever token minority they’ve thrown in with you.  These people will have stereotypical behaviour and will be the first ones hacked to death or chased around by an invisible ghosty with a case of the giddies.  Make sure you’re white, and from a rough background, but someone who doesn’t feel like they’re owed anything.  Actually, just make sure you’re white and not a complete cunt and you should be grand.

Don’t be the nervous cunt.  You’ll piss everyone else off and if the ghosties and ghoulies don’t off you, one of the others will.  And they’ll get away with it too, because they’ll blame the ghost who has been ethnically cleansing the place all night.

Don’t be the slut.  If horror movies tell us anything it’s that virgins live to the end.  Hopefully you’re not a virgin reading this, but once you’re not the uppity spoiled slut bitch you should be grand.  After she’s gobbled the lawyer to try and cheat she’ll try gobbling the ghost, but he’ll have none of it and splatter her all over the walls.

Don’t be the cocky one.  The one strolling around like he’s packing a tree trunk between his legs and calling everyone else “chief”.  He’s next in line after the slut and he’ll blubber like a kid who has just witnessed his puppy get on the business end of a running over the first time a cat jumps out from behind a door.

Don’t be the psychic one.  They’re never psychic.  If they were they’d be able to see a couple of hours in to the future when their intestines are used to spell out their name over the fireplace.  Instead they’ll mince about saying that they can feel a presence that isn’t happy with them being there.

Run ta fuck

Why do people hang around in movies when they see or hear something in the room they’re in?  I’d be out of there like a hot snot and make no mistake.  Run and never look back.  Head to a room further down the hall and wait there for something to happen, then repeat.

Don’t antagonise

You know the cunt who stands there all big and puffed up screaming “C’mon, you wanna piece of me?”.  Yeah, he’s about to have his nuts handed to him.  Leave him there and never shout anything to get up the ghost’s nose.  The only thing to shout is “Get ta ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, ya bastid” as you’re on your toes out of there, leaving a cloud of dust that kind of looks like you a bit.

Fuck de poh-leece

Or in this case, Jesus.  A bible, crucifix, holy water, prayer, priest or anything related will be about as useful as sitting down to have a good read of a leaflet entitled “Coeliac disease and you”.   If you can, try and get hold of a weird little old lady like in Poltergeist with a southern accent.  If nothing else, you can just make her say “Carol Aye-ann” for a giggle.  But if she’s any good, she’ll be taking no crap off the ghost.

No one liners

You’re not in The Expendables, count your blessings.  But in all horror movies there is at least one cunt who blurts out a one liner.  They’re not funny, they’re not clever and they fall into the category of antagonism towards the ghost.  Ghosts hate one liners.  Try to lighten the tension in the air with a quick – “Lots of ghosties and ghoulies around here.  Hope I don’t get grabbed by the ghosties.  Actually fuck that, I hope I don’t get grabbed by the ghoulies” will result in you being impaled on the nearest coat stand.  And rightly so.

Go back to the start

Fuck the rest of it, get twisted and sleep it out.  Why nobody has ever thought of this before is beyond us.  You’ll be hunky dory in the morning and knee deep in free money and minge.

We get some emails.  Not tons, but our inbox doesn’t have dust settling on it.

Every now and again we’ll get an email or two telling us what they think of the site, what it needs more of, and what it needs less of.  This is great, and we genuinely love to hear it.

Sometimes we get people asking if they can contribute on the site as they have a good idea for a series or whatever.

And other times we’ll get the most random emails from people who we reckon should be under some sort of supervision.  Like this one that we just had to share.

It came in from an anonymous free email account with no name or other detail on it, apart from this…..

“had a dream last night.  you know the sort, the kind where you’re naked.  accept I wasn’t naked, everyone else was and the weirdest and sickest thing about the whole ordeal was that I was at a fat camp.  I didn’t know what to do with myself so I spent the entire dream, which was the longest dream ever by the way, trying to find clothes or blankets to cover all these fat people up.  I didn’t find anything.

Right so long story short, all these fat people started having sex together and it was like a movie I once watched on video when my parents were out for the day where all the people just kind of melted together.  I’ll never forget it, it was called Society and freaked the b’jesus out of me.

This one?

Before I knew what was having sex with them too.  Well trying to at least, but they wouldn’t have me.  there I was this buff piece of beefcake and not a single one of these larger ladies would even touch me.  i felt so rejected but then one of them took me aside and explained that it was because i was so well endowed.  I’d been scaring all the ladies with my tree trunkiness.

That made me feel better about myself so I woke up happy.

Then I was sad again because i remembered that I actually have a tiny one.

Ah well, at least it can’t get any smaller, right?”

*** *** ***

We don’t even know what to say.  The person who wrote this is either a tormented genius or just tormented.  We had to share it anyway.

If you have something to share and want to frighten us, make us laugh, freak us out or just plain confuse us, you know where to send it.

inbox@boob.ie

Now this may be a little out there, but it’s not uncommon for men to become pregnant.

In fact, it’s such an epidemic that I won’t even put you through the usual intro.  Instead we’ll just jump straight in to it.

Just say “no”

Bless, we're all suckers for a bad girl

We all know the story all too well.  We’re sitting on our own in a bar with our boyfriends, not planning on getting involved with a lady.  Then someone will catch our eye.  Someone tall, dark and ever so slightly unshaven and on the mysterious side of dangerous.  They’ll approach us and offer to buy us a drink.  We’ll try not to act interested, but really we’re moist with anticipation.

After a few Cosmopolitans two many, we’ll let our guard down after they’ve kissed us passionately in the back of the Jo Maxi and before we know it, we’re on her doorstep.

Our heads will tell us no, but our hearts will be screaming YES in harmony with our winkies.

Laid down in front of their open log fire on a bear skin rug, they’ll light the candles, turn on some Mariah circa early 90′s and pour some Prosecco.

Running their fingers through our hair, they’ll look us in the eye and take us right there.

It’s at this moment that you’ll be at your most vulnerable.  Women love nothing more than to get off without a condom.  They love blowing their womanly sauce inside your manly tomb.  Makes them feel like a big woman.  Also they say that condoms make sex more pleasurable, but us men all know that nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact when a woman insists on using a condom, it makes us feel loved and respected and all of this points to a more fulfilling male orgasm.  That’s if you can find a woman who cares about giving you an orgasm in the first place, but that’s for another day.

So when she’s looking into your soul with those eyes and saying things like “Ah Jaysus, don’t make me wear one of them, it’s my birthday and all!”, just say NO!

Say no to sex without a condom, it’s the only way to avoid an unwanted man pregnancy.

Too late

Ok, so you had a weak moment and allowed that damaged woman who can be saved, to empty her lady balls inside you.  Don’t beat yourself up, it happens, plus she’ll probably beat you and say you walked into a door when she finds out anyway.  It’s 6 days later and you’re already getting morning sickness.  This is because men don’t fuck around when it comes to spitting out a baby.

None of this 9 months shit dragging it out.  We can go from getting splooged in to shitting one out in about a fortnight.

Your man breasts will become swollen and tender and your penis will develop varicose veins.  Might sound scary, but actually they make your cock look even bigger than it already is.  Awesome.  In fact, this is the one reason to get pregnant on purpose.  Tell the woman that each time you have sex with her it’ll grow your penis.

But all in all, you’ll probably feel the baby kick after about day 8.  It’ll feel like a bout of the shits after the night before, but a little freakier.

Preparation

So you’ve been to the doctor and he’s given you your options.  Sure you can keep it and hope that the mother will want to be a part of the child’s life.  Or as my father used to say, wish into one hand and shit into the other and see which one fills up first.

Yeah! Still want a baby?

So you could try and “take care of it”.  Male abortion is legal, but frowned upon.  This is because you need to untwist a coat hanger and ram it up your japseye.  Really want to do that?  Nope, even if when you actually give birth your cock will end up looking like a cartoon novelty cigar that blew up.  That’s right, you give birth out of your knob.

So if you don’t want to clean out your own pipes, you should do something to prepare yourself.  Try masturbating more often.  And when doing so, instead of putting a finger up your bum like we all do(?), shove that finger in your pee hole.

This will stretch it out good and proper and help to prevent stretching.

The Birth

Feet in the stirrups, you’re wondering what women bitch about when they go into labour.  Sure it’s a little uncomfortable, like mild gas, but nothing too serious.  Sometimes you’ll give birth out of your bum, but this is rare as the medical phrase goes, “Up the bum and no babies”.

Chances are, as we’ve said that you’ll have to squeeze it out of your pee pee.

Take a deep breath and push like when you have a boner in a pair of jeans.  It won’t feel as totally awesome, but it’ll be over in about 4 minutes.

I should have mentioned this before but if you were hoping for a son, but had sex with a woman, then it won’t happen.  Boys come from men, girls come from women.  Fact.

The After Birth

No, not that gross stuff that is sometimes used to pass off a still born twin, what happens after it’s all over.

You’ve got your new baby so all you have to do is stick some Elastiplast on the cut on your knob, take a Nurofen and get back to work.

The longer road of getting the mother to become involved in your life after this will be a long one.  After all, she’s probably got kids all over the place.  Some that she doesn’t even know about.  So good luck with that.

Naming

Don’t call your child something trendy like “Jord-Anne” or “Chardonnay” or “Dave”.  This just makes you look like a cunt.

Men are plucking, preening, scrubbing and exfoliating.  Metrosexualness has gone too far.  I am here to remind men how to be men.

Poxy Gok Wan and other useless tossbags have some men convinced that they have to go all sensitive to their looks and shit.  And that’s not all.  With more of us being subjected to day time TV than ever before we have to watch tips on how to become more in touch with our feminine side.

Men, grow a pair and be men!

Here are some pointers on how to get some of your balls back:

1.  Thou shalt not covet thy bitch’s face cream

There is a time and place for face and cream to be united in a glorious moment.  I’ll give you a clue, it doesn’t involve your face or her cream.

2.  Thou shalt not wear pink (2a, or call it Salmon)

Next step is voice training so that you'll at least sound like a woman when they lob your manhood off

3.  Thou shalt never wax or shave body hair

Regular shaving and charity waxing are acceptable if there is a chance of a sticky dicky at the end of it.  Other wise, you’re on a one way street to manginaville, population – you.

4.  Thou shalt never get a manicure

My mother used to tell me that if I bit my nails that worms would grow in my belly.  My older cousin Barry used to tell me that if I got a manicure that I’d turn into a girl and desire penis.  I’ll let you figure out the scarier option.

Tuck in. It's what's for dinner.

5.  Thou shalt not think anything is “cute”

You may think things are the following:

• Lickable
• Fuckable
• Motorboatable
• Incestable
• Jailbaitable
• Analable

Never cute.  Unless you see a hot chick walking a puppy.  Then call it cute and wait for the impending blow job.

6.  Thou shall love the red heads

Oh go on then

Get ta fuck away from me with that

7.  Thou shall masturbate at every opportunity

Even if your conscience tells you that you shouldn’t, you should.  Trust us on this.

8.  Thou shall watch copious amounts of porn

Just like crystal meth, jaffa cakes and toe sucking you can just never have enough porn.  Be careful though or you’ll become desensitized to it.  I can’t even get a semi off a jaffa cake anymore.

9.  Thou shall ignore the needs of others, at all times

Yeah you do, now give yourself a hug you deserve it

10.  Thou shalt never hug, ever

Hugs are for girls, have a wank instead. You'll feel better anyway.

Tricky one this week, but then again it might not be.

Considering that you’re reading an website aimed at grown ups only, chances are you’re a grown up.  And as we all know, pedo’s don’t particularly like grown ups.

Anyway, here we go…

Don’t be hot jailbait

Even for the most strictest of unpedo’s you’ll be testing our limits with names like Hermoine and Hannah Montanna and S Club Juniors The Saturdays.

Be a grown up

This will be the biggest deterrent against the pedo.  Have the ability to grow pubic hair?  Understand why he’s trying to touch you?  Yeah, he’s not getting jollies off of you.  You’re safe for now.

However, be careful not to embrace your inner child too much, this gives you child like qualities and makes you attractive to the pedo and he may try to substitute their need for baldness with your shaven haven.

Also, if you embrace your inner child too much you risk becoming a pedo yourself, and that’s a rickety bridge of risk.  From what I hear, it’s a moorish habit altogether.

Act your age

It’s ok to want to watch cartoons every now and again, but be careful of the company you’re in.  If you’re in a friend’s house and the kids have the channel on, sure go ahead and watch them too.  Have a giggle while Spongebob delves deeper into homosexuality.

But if you’re passing by a TV shop window and Spongebob is on and you stop to giggle, you’ll have swarms of pedo’s around you offering you pick n mix and cd’s of popular music.

When in public, always say that cartoons are for kids.  Most people will agree, the pedo will probably say something like “mmm kids”.  So stay away from him, or report him.  Which ever will cause you less hassle.

Don’t be a midget/dwarf

If you’re one of these you’ll look like a child from time to time.  Depending on where you buy your clothes or how far away you are from someone looking at you.

Plus if you’re kidnapped because the pedo is over excited and confuses you with a child, he’ll only be disappointed when he gets you naked and posing in his sister’s knickers.  We all know that when we were growing up that it was always worse for an adult to be disappointed instead of angry with you.

Do you really want to see that look on their face?

Don’t go to a Gary Glitter/Gary Glitter tribute gig

We can’t imagine Gary performing much these days, unless it’s a Cambodian birthday party in between jelly and ice cream and pinning the tail on the donkey, but still.  Be weary.  We also can’t imagine there being too many Gary Glitter tribute acts out there so you should be safe enough on this one.  I mean, what would they be called?

“D’ya wanna be in my van?”

That’s all I have, but it does the job.

Fat and Ginger, he's safe as fuck.

No one likes looking at fat children, not even their own parents.  Sure it makes you an easy target for the novice pedo, but he’ll just try to get you with sweets and crisps and that will just exacerbate everyone’s problem.  Sooner or later all pedo’s tire of fat kids and they’ll have that disappointed look in their eyes again.

Just like your ma.

Of course the down side to being a fat kid is that you’ll probably grow up to be a fat adult and you still won’t get touched.

Accept lifts from strangers

Pedo’s love the chase.  All our lives we’ve been told never to accept lifts from strangers, and this is what the pedo expects to hear when he rolls up in his Opel.  Climb right in and be chatty on the journey to his house.  He’ll be so freaked out that it’s a sting operation that he’ll bring you straight to your front door unharmed and still with your innocence intact.  You’ll even get to keep the iPod shuffle he offered you for some “help with his problem”.  Score.

So there you have it, if you follow these steps you should avoid being taken and sold to some traffickers for the price of a packet of fags.

Also, on a side note, if anyone works in a school and thinks my tips could be a valuable addition to the curriculum, don’t hesitate to get in touch!

Well all good publications have a supplement on Sundays.  This isn’t a publication though, and that’s fair enough compadre, but still a good read of a Sunday isn’t a bad way to go.

I go by the name of Sebastiano, my friends call me Seb and the ladies call me the moist maker but you can all call me Sebastiano, dig?

I’ve got fuck all to do with my time ever since my old man had to up sticks and move to the states.  He had a cushy job in a bank and it all went tits up.  Now that “the people” own the bank, he said he’d rather die than become a civil servant and who can blame him?  I’ll be fecked before I get a job full stop.  So I get the dole, which does me for beer vouchers of a Friday night and the aul fella sends home a few bob whenever I need want it.

One thing this uber shagtastic site is missing is a gossip column.  I pride myself on knowing all the gossip, if there’s one thing pussy loves more than my massive member it’s gossip.

I was the only one at the junior disco down at the rugby club to get a stinky finger when all the other lads were busy flicking each other in the arses with towels.  It was with this chiquita by the name of Jasmine and she was a hot little bit of stuff.  I was 14 at the time and she was about the same.  All it took for me to get inside her Agent Provocateurs was a little bit of gossip about the local slut, who went by the name of Chardonnay after her mother’s love of the vino.

Long story short, Chardonnay had been getting a bit of a name for noshing fellas off in the jacks for nothing more than a can of Kopparberg.  So armed with some juicy stuff she could spread around like the chronic crabs she has in this day and age, she noshed me off in the jacks for nothing more than a can of Kopparberg.

Anywhoo, I’ve acquired mesmelf a knack for the gossip.  I would apply to work on a gossip show like Xposé, but I prefer munching on cunt to being a cunt.

So without further a do a chairde, I’ll lash on with this week’s bit.

Turns out that Robbie Williams got married.  Now before you turn off, stick with me.  Robbie Williams has been responsible for getting me so much minge it’s unreal.  Back when Take That broke up, I got my first Frencher off a girl who was inconsolable about the fact that she’d never get to see the Robster on stage again.

When he was called the fat dancer from Take That by Noel from Oasis, another girl, suffering from Bulimia and empathising with Robbie gave me a blowjob down the back of the UCI.  She swallowed, but I doubt it stayed down very long.

When Angels went massive I was awash with flange.  I actually once ended up chatting up an older lady in a local spot.  We were in the cloak room and she was so much taller than me that I was gobbling on her nipples while the two of us were standing straight up.  Trouble was the next Monday morning in school and she was patrolling the yard in little break.

Now that he’s getting married I’m balls deep in so many vagines that my bedroom is starting to smell like Captain Birdseye’s Beard.

Twister from Mattel, Helen Keller sold seperately

So he got married yesterday to some bird that none of us ever heard of, but probably will once she realises that he’s more fucked up than a game of Twister with Helen Keller and gayer than a game of Twister with Alan Carr and Graham Norton round at Barrymore’s gaff.

Gay? Moi? Only when the rehab stories don't work.

Not that I’m calling him a Paul McCartney, but if yer wan turns out to have a gimpy leg, I’ll wet myself with excitement at the amount of wet excitement that’ll get me with the ladies.

I swear, the only other place to get that much pussy is at a funeral.  When the having no hits since he sacked his songwriting partner cunt finally does us all a favour and shuffles off this planet, my knob might just fall right off with over use.

Anyway, I would go on about it, but word on the iPhone is that the lads are on the way out to Rumms for a few Heinsters so I’ll have to scarper.

In the meantime compadres I’ll be on the look out for more gossip that you couldn’t give two fucks about, but it gets me action and now that I have a regular column in the country’s best site for men I might just be able to secure that mother/daughter threesome I’ve been chasing.

Having said that, Jasmine still does stuff for cider and her mother is looking awfully tasty these days.

Keep it country!

Seb.

You should have read the bible like your granny told you to.  Instead of flicking to the end to see whodunnnit and thinking you were being clever.

That crazy dude in Temple Bar who shouts about the end of the world coming will be laughing loudest when it does.  Some people say that the bees and jelly fish all know when it’s coming, which is super convenient since we all know how to communicate with the cunts.

Anyway, when it does come around, you’ll be well prepared thanks to our survival tips.

Recognise

The end of the world will come with some tell tale signs:

• It’ll rain a lot
• It’ll be fierce windy
• It’ll probably snow
• There’s a good chance of hail
• It’ll all happen at once

Granted if you’re in Ireland at the time it’ll be a tad difficult to tell whether anything is happening or not, given that our weather likes to fuck with us at the best of times.  There are some other ways to tell.

First off the clouds will get all dark and swirly like in a movie.  The ground will open up and all sorts of demons and nasties will be coming out of it.  The sky will get all red and your mickey will fall off.

Be prepared

You have to be ready.  Angels are on their way to judge and tell you whether or not your ass is going passed the pearly gates.  But it’ll take a while, like a queue on signing day in the dole office or at the tax office, or any poxy government office.

So you’ll need a few things to make life bearable in the meantime:

• Wellies – there’s gonna be lots of rain and lots of mud.
• Bog roll – you’re gonna have to shit.
• A rain coat – it’s gonna keep raining.
• Aromatherapy candles. Great when the going gets apocalyptic.
• Tooth picks – great for tiny fires that won’t rage out of control.
• A name tag – you might get caught in the bonce with some falling rocks or something and forget who you are.  Make sure you write your actual name and not something funny like “Father Jack” or “Yer ma”.  You’ll just fuck yourself up when you wake up with amnesia.
• A pet – namely a dog.  If films have told us anything it’s that dogs survive everything.  Have one nearby and you’ll survive by association.
• A volley ball called Wilson – To give you someone to talk to and keep you sane.
• A compass. However hard the Four Horsemen think they are, they still aren’t going to knock the polar north out of kilter. They may be destructive little cunts – but they’re not all that and a bag of potato chips.
• A pack of cards – You can always play solitare to stave off the boredom or challenge the grim reaper to a game of Old Maid and win your existence back.

Hide

Most people will be panicking and running amok.  This does no one any good.  Sure you can loot Harvey Normans of their flat screens and laptops, but it’ll do you fuck all use.  You won’t be able to sell them and your theft will ensure your passage straight to hell.

Find yourself a place to hide and wait for everyone else to kill and panic themselves to death.

But you have to be careful about this.

Pick somewhere solid to hide, like a tank.  With the end of the world about to eat us all up, the army were probably trying to rescue poor old people somewhere and then got the fuck out of dodge while the getting was good.  Claim that bad boy and hold up.  Of course if it’s an Irish Army tank it probably means it’s a WW1 surplus tank from the Mongolians and not worth a fuck.  But it’s better than the garden shed you’re shivering in.  Almost.

You’ve survived!

Yeah, pat yourself on the back.  You’re the only human left alive and now you’ve to repopulate the planet with your dog with nothing but a volley ball and lots of bog roll for foreplay.

Still, could be worse.

Just make sure you have a female dog to do it with, other wise your efforts to populate the planet won’t work and you’ll be getting all gay with a dog.

Gingers, a bit bitey

You know what the most terrifying thing in the world is?  It’s a rabid Ginger coming straight at you in a full moon, that’s what.

Happened me once and I still void my bowels when I think of it.

Gingers usually only bite in self defence, so be careful the next time you and your vigilante mates decide to stick one on the business end of a good old fashioned pitch fork and torch turf out.

Occasionally though, they will take it upon themselves to go and make it their business to go around biting people for the fun of it to freak them out.

Here’s how to survive a bite from a ginger:

Be careful

A ginger’s natural habitat is in dark places away from direct sunlight.  If you see someone acting all weird around sunlight, don’t be fooled, it’s not Dracula, Michael Jackson or a Gremlin.  It’s a ginger.

Gingers are also noticeable by their bright orange hair, freckles and disregard for people who actually have souls.  The prefer the night time and usually prey on tourists who don’t know the area very well.

John Landis was actually going to make An American Ginger in London, but didn’t because it would have been far too scary for an audience to see a normie change into a ginger on screen.  Plus, we already hate Americans enough without giving us an actual reason.

They’re tricky

They don't mind leaving teeth in their victims

These little cunts are trickier than a pedo with a pocket full of jellies.  They’ll try to convince you that they’re human just like you and have feelings and souls and that they don’t have the evil gingervitis venom coursing through their veins.  Then just when you’re coming around to the idea that they might be ok to have around for a cuppa, BAM!  You’ve got freckles.

But how did they bite you without them noticing?  Some gingers have evolved the ability to mind bite you.  This came about because more and more people were keeping their distance from gingers.  It means that they can just think about biting you, and you’ve been bitten.  You may think you’re fucked, but hold on.

Reaction

Once bitten you have to act fast.  A single bite from a ginger can deliver as much as 500 cc’s of venom.  If bitten on the ankle or thumb you can expect to have about 2 hours to get to a hospital before you’re turned into a ginger.  And we all know there’s no point going to a hospital once it’s happened as you won’t be allowed in.  If bitten on the face, which is the preferred target for those dirty ginger bastards, you can expect to be a fully fledged no soul having low pain threshold having sun allergic freak in about 15 minutes.

You’ll need to get to a hospital fast, in order for them to administer the anti-venom.  No don’t be sure that you can just tell them you were bitten by a ginger.  There are many species of ginger and they’ll need to know which one bit you.

Just like with a snake bite, kill the ginger and take it with you.  This will be relatively easy to do as when a ginger bites someone it also orgasms in it’s pants and falls asleep.  So club that motherfucker over the head with a toilet cistern cover and drag his ass to the hospital with you.

Don’t panic

This may sound trite, but don’t panic.  The more you panic the faster the venom pumps around your blood and fucks you up.  Stay calm.  Rubbing holy water may delay the facts, but the ginger venom will eventually win over the holy water.  It does this be shouting at the top of its voice “I have no God!  He hath forsaken me yonks ago!”. You can’t blame the holy water for just giving up and leaving.  It’s what you’d do.

Self treatment

The poison may be sucked out of the punctured area, but you don’t want to do it.  Ginger venom tastes more bitter than the spunk of Gary Glitter, yo.  The thing is that who ever sucks the poison out risks becoming a ginger themselves.  So you can either find a person you don’t like, or your ex.  Let them suck that gingerguice right out of you and chuckle to yourself.

Or you can get the ultimate revenge and get another ginger to suck it out.  Let’s look at this option for a bit:

Pros:

• They’ll happily suck the venom out as it means actual consensual human contact
• Once they’ve ingested the competitive ginger venom, they’ll go into shock and melt like a cheese toasty.
• One less ginger in the world
• You’re home free

Cons:

• You have to consent to letting a ginger touch you
• You have to let it put it’s filthy mouth on your open wound
• It will probably make moaning and groaning noises as it nurses a semi from the experience
• You’ll have been gummed by two gingers in the one day

It’s not much of a choice I know, but still.

Now for all you ladies who visit us here, and we know you do, let us just highlight how serious the Man Flu is.  It is a terrible affliction that can turn the manliest of men into a snivelling wreak.  It’s also the only time a man is allowed by law to act like a 4 year old girl with a grazed knee.  And rightly so.

The Man flu is a scary time for any man.  The poor lad will feel all achy and shivery with bigger snot bubbles than the token smelly kid at school.

It’s also dangerous.  The Man Flu kills over 12 billion men each year and there is no known cure on the market, but there are things that can help you endure this most terrifying of times.

Here’s our guide to surviving the Man Flu:

Identify

Is it just a case of the sniffles?  Is it a hangover from 14 pints of cheap shite that you’re really blaming on whatever ethnic take away you got on the way home?  Or is it something more sinister?

You’ll have all the normal symptoms that ordinary flu sufferers get: aches, shivers, runny nose, sore throat, dodgy stomach.  But with the man flu, all of these symptoms are magnified to such proportions that you will feel like nothing will do accept the care of your mammy.

If you get a whine in your voice while you sob on the couch and ask for things to be brought to you, then you’re sick.  If they’re not brought to you quickly enough by your lady friend and you bitch that your mammy would have brought them quicker, then you’ve got the man flu.

Provisions

Every house should have a man flu kit, just like a nuclear bunker survival kit of the 60′s.  Make sure your woman has the following, because trust me, you’ll need each and every one of them:

• Duvet and pillows ready to convert the couch into couchbed.
• Your favourite childhood stuffed animal, because it’s the only thing that will truly understand what you’re going through.  It’s still covered in vomit and snot from your last life threatening bout of man flu.
• Remote controls.  For everything.
• Extra batteries just in case the remotes stop working.  Ever seen a man’s lip quiver when he can’t change the station?  You will if he has the man flu, he has enough to deal with as it is.
• Xbox controller and headset.  Nothing empowers the immune system like racking up a perfect score.
• 7up, flat.
• Lucozade, cold.
• Strepsils, Lockets, Soothers in all available flavours to suit your mood.
• Cough medicine.  Anything that makes you drowsy so that you can take some nappy naps.
• Copious amounts of tissues.  Some for blowing into, some for twisting into little nose plugs and some for wanking into.  We’re on a couch all day, what else are we going to do?
• Bucket for the vomit.  We shouldn’t eat anything, but our mammies used to give their big strong boys ice cream and biscuits when we were ill.  Then we’d hock it all up in the bucket (mostly) and she’d call us her little man for getting it all up.
• Ice cream, it’s going to happen, so deal with it.

But more importantly:

• A sympathetic woman

Which brings us onto..

Be strong

Your immune system is under attack, but your ego and self worth will also get a cunting when your lady friend tells you that you’re being “over dramatic”, and “like a little girl”, or the one that hurts the most, “A big gay vagina”.  That may come from you using her tampons to clog your runny nose, but it still hurts.

Don’t listen to her.  Women think they have it rough with child birth and periods, what ever a period is, but they’re not men.  They don’t get man flu.

They’ll tell you to grow up and get off the couch and do silly things like go to work, shower or stop wanking.  Yeah right, just take not of her bitchy comments for the next time she gets cramps or can’t walk in the high heels she just had to wear to the pub.  Revenge is a dish best served cold.  Just like the pool of sick you forgot to tell her about on her side of the bed.

Medication

You’re a man, so cold and flu remedies will only work in man sized amounts.  You’ll need about 417 Uniflu tablets to take care of the man flu.  That’s 417 taken 4 times a day.

You’ll also need a large cinema sized cup full of Benylin, with a straw.

Actually if you’re an enterprising kind of fella, just fill a bowl with the tablets and splash on the Benylin and munch those bad boys down like Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.  It’ll save time, and you’ll probably sleep until lunch, 2013.  By that time the man flu should have left your body and you can go back to normal.

Or just call up the local nurse recruitment office and ask them for their sexiest, sluttiest member.  She’ll look after you and won’t be phased by your chr0nic masturbation.  She’ll even find it adorable.

A doctor may tell you to drink lots of water and take vitamin C, but that’s just not the case.  What would they know?*

Recovery

It takes about a month to get over the man flu, so by the time you’re better your woman may be complaining that she’s feeling under the weather.  Poor diddums.

She’ll bitch and moan that you gave her the flu, but she’s a woman.  If she got the man flu she’d be dead before she knew it.  She’s just got a case of the sniffles.  Don’t be fooled, she still has to make you sandwiches and stuff.

You don’t want to risk making your own food and getting faint in the kitchen and passing out only to be found three days later with the neighbours cat eating your face off.

Give her a couple of paracetamol and send her to the shops for more batteries for your Xbox controller.

Do not go back to work too soon, if you have a male boss, he’ll understand.  He doesn’t want you dying on his time, plus he certainly doesn’t want your germs.  If you have a female boss she won’t believe you, so you’ll have to switch your excuse for being off work to “women’s problems”.

Be sure to hang up before she can say “Women’s problems?  What the fu-”

Look after yourself, because without your mammy around you could find yourself at the pearly gates with thousands of other men whose women didn’t do their jobs right.

*** *** ***

*They actually know a lot.  Don’t eat medication like Cocopops.  You’ll probably die, or have to go to hospital where you’ll come out from with an actual illness.