Kicking it off, is one of the simplest, but best ideas for a photo series ever.

Photographer Johann Bona has released a new photo series entitled “Girls on my Floor.” It’s exactly what it sounds like – girls on the floor.  The most Ronseal photo series ever.

And I have to say that it’s fooking hot.

From someone who looks at boobs all week (trust me, it can get a little trying) I love it when a new way of doing it comes along.

Check it out, girls on the floor.  Simples.

Via

And we’re only getting started…

Everything from the Playboy Bunny Handbook to a new UK girl group who look like trannies that want you to fuck them.

Seriously.

But to start us off, we have a little bit from Miley Cyrus.

At her boyfriend’s birthday party where there was a cake made in the shape of a big black dick, she was pictured pretending to get the whole thing in her mouth.

Ok, so it’s the smutty side of us blowing this out of proportion.

But whatever way you look at it, it’s Miley Cyrus trying to fit a big black cock in her mouth.

Daddy would be so proud.

Oh, and by the smutty side of the internet, I’m referring to TMZ.  Doing journalism proud every day.

Ah well, we bet it’s not long before her lawyers try to get rid of an actual sex tape of Miley chowing down on actual dick.

I’ll be honest though, if she does to real dick what she’s done to the head of that one, you can have her.

Moving on…

Well there yiz are now.  I’ve loads of sexy stories to give you today because despite the SOPA and PIPA thing that’s been going on, it hasn’t stopped the internet.  Even if it went ahead it wouldn’t have stopped the filth on the net.

Here’s some of the more fun filth we found this week…

I had a motorcycle once.  I was bad ass.

Well as bad ass as someone can be on a 49cc Suzuki, but the women wanted me.  Dangerous things though, well proper bikes are anyway, you’ve more chance of crashing a bike than you have of getting a wet mickey off of Scarlett Johansson.  And I don’t like those odds.

Doesn’t stop some blokes though, and when a Southern California man broke his dick after a brutal motorcycle crash, he did what we do best in this part of the world: he sued the shit out of somebody.

Back in 2007, Matthew Wall was a newlywed badass riding his motorcycle to work when a shuttle bus decided to turn left right in front of him, abruptly stopping his forward momentum. While his helmet and leathers protected his brain and skin from damage, the sheer force of the impact crushed his pelvis. The aftermath of this injury was nerve damage and a loss of one and a half inches of pure dick.

Much like our disgusted looking buddy here, we can’t imagine having to lose well over 60% of our manhood.

Imagine how much charm and personality you’d have to create to compensate for that much of a loss.

Say what you will and listen to all the crap that women tell you about size not mattering, it matters properly.

I’m telling you, go search for a porn with a bloke/legend by the name of Mandingo.  Then observe the sheer look of fear on his co-star’s/dick pocket’s face when he reveals his monster dick from across the room.

Then go search for porn “men with tiny dicks”, and watch how they laugh.  That’s not acting purely because these girls couldn’t act their way out of a Fair City long pause.  They’re real reactions.

It makes it worse when the guy with the “tiny dick” actually has a couple of inches on you.

More proof?  The poor fucker’s wife dumped him after the accident.

So it’s no wonder that this Wall fella sued.

He got $7.5m too, so wasn’t really a bad day at all.  It won’t buy him happiness or a bigger mickey, but with the interest alone, he could hire some half decent hookers with half decent acting skills not to laugh at it while they give him a hand job with their thumbs and fore fingers.

Via

In fact, I’ll bet since the invention of the smartphone with wifi and 3G, giving yourself a treat in work stats have risen by about 400,000%.

I don’t deny that we may have contributed to such a result.

Anyway, you know how we hate women’s magazines here.  We don’t hold them with high regard for informative material.  The sort of magazines that will tell their readers how to bag a husband and how to cheat on them 8 pages later.  Not that we’re on a moral high ground, but if you’re going to have 4 pages of fat free recipes and preaching of how you have to start your diet now or they’ll be hosing you down to keep you alive if you even think about going near a beach, don’t have another 4 pages calling celebs anorexic.

So when Glamour magazine came out with a survey (Keep an eye out for our own honest sex survey coming soon) where men apparently answered completely honestly about where they wank.

Now, I’ve buttered the corn in a few places and in work too, so I’m not denying that it goes on.  In fact if you hadn’t planned on doing it in work today you’re either unemployed or have already done it.

According to the survey, 31% of men have burped the worm in the workplace.  Some may find it shocking that the figure is so high.  I find it shocking that 69% of men are lying cunts.

I’ve yet to do while driving yet though.  And according to the survey, 24% of men have mangled their midget in transit.  I find that impressive.  Sure it may be more dangerous than driving four times over the limit while taking a conference call, but imagine the rush.

I’d really like to know what the percentage of women wrinkling their fingers in work is, because it’s not like they don’t do it too!

I tell ya, when Vibratora kicks off this sex survey you’d better be honest, because I’m calling shenanigans on this Glamour one.

Go on, tell us where the strangest place you’ve ever gone fishin was.

Some sites like Askmen.com and Esquire will tell you that a real man has to make well thought out decisions in life and focus look at that usb stick that’s been on my desk for the last two weeks but now for some reason it’s the most important thing ever but not as important as custard.

I call bollox.

Let’s get down to the real reasons why it’s great to be a man.  Sure you can make decisions, but you can also assert your masculinity by naming your penis.

Sometimes we think it’d be good to be a woman, what with the boobs and lesbian thing and all.  But all the other stuff?  Nah, we like being able to park a Yaris like it wasn’t a fucking Panzer and chocolate doesn’t turn us from a snarling dragon to a purring kitty cat.

So here, the only definitive guide you’ll ever need to being a man.  Women you can pay attention here too, because when your man starts acting proper manly you’ve no excuse for nagging at him, he’s just being a man and making the most of what god gave him.

1.  Get the same job as a woman but get paid more.  This is particularly true for men whose profession involves having prostate glands and being able to hold a rational thought while bleeding.  That’s a bit sexist, isn’t it?

I’m sorry.  I’m sure with medical science the way it is these days that women can have prostate glands too.

2.  Get a new haircut, don’t want to end it all when no one notices.  Unlike women and Hercules, our powers don’t actually stem from our beaurriful, sometimes thinning locks.  We could go to the gayest friendliest of hairdressers, spend hundreds on it and then lash a swimming cap on it straight after for a length or two.

3.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Are you approaching the time when you should be getting married? Spend one day planning it and you’re done.  Invite the people you want to buy dinner for, because that’s what it boils down to.  You’re buying dinner for people.

Dress?  Ebay.

Venue?  Somewhere with a late bar.

Invites?  Facebook event.  You can time it, invite who you want and control the numbers.  Don’t want to have to invite that uncle who would have touched you if you were left with him unsupervised?  Fuck it, he’s not your friend on Facebook, leave him well alone.

All the other shite can be done with a few phone calls.  Ever watch “Don’t tell the bride”?  The blokes do in 4 weeks what women want to spend years doing.

4.  Hot wax never goes near your pubic area.  Unless it’s for kinky reasons.  But to wax off hair to make it look tidier?  What the fuck is it down there, a tidy towns competition?

5.  Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.  Unless it’s a force to be reckoned with like my money maker.  I don’t know how many interviewers’ hearts I’ve broken simply by backing out of a room instead of leaving in the traditional manner.

6.  Wrinkles add character.  Sorry ladies, but Botox is French for “Women will actually buy this shit, it’s crazy”.

7.  You never have to fake an orgasm.  Unless it’s with a fat chick who cries after she orgasms.

8.  You can open all your own jars.

9.  If another dude turns up at a party wearing the exact same thing, it might just be a sign from the universe that you are in fact BFF”s.  Only time when a high-five is permitted also.

10.  Colours are colours.  Just like what strips of plasticine use to look like.

For example.  Red is red.

Red is not maroon, auburn, burgundy, wine, brick, carmine or any other wanky name.

And in the interest of fairness and to stop the feminists beating us up with their worn out dildos, here’s some reasons why it’s better to be a woman:

1.  You’re first in line off the sinking Titanic.

2.  If you’re dumb, it’s cute.

3.  You can wear our clothes and you look good.  Men look ridiculous in women’s clothes.  Sometimes.

4.  Men die first.  But that gives us more time on the lesbian cloud in heaven before you turn up to ruin it.

5.  Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central female character in a video game.  That’s not a reason, I just don’t get it.

QT Ellis is an Australian Jazz Ballet dancer/singer and she’s got her own Youtube channel.  It just features her dancing around and looking all freaky like she’s trying to distract you while the cult elders come and kidnap your children.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yeah, we would too.

But she’d probably eat your soul for afters.

Moving swiftly on…

After all, we’ve got a few female writers, and a few male writers and they all seem to get along fine and leave each other to do their own thing, but no more!

Rebecca Loos. Google "David Beckham with boobs" and this is what comes up. Even photoshopped and shit, she looks better than Victoria Beckham on her best photoshopped day.

I’m pitting every one against each other, because when it gets down to it we don’t like each other.

Men only like women because they’re pretty and smell nice and have boobs. Kind of like David Beckham with boobs.

Women only like men because we have penises. (Note to self, finish that piece on why strap ons are a real threat to our very existence)

We can’t live together. If you do, you put up with the crap so that it becomes part of your routine.

Or you snap after a month, kill your partner and bury her under neath her wardrobe that’s full of shoes still with the tags on.

But I digress.

This is simply to highlight each sex’s shortcomings from the opposite point of view so that we may better ourselves and each other.

That’s all.

It’s in no way designed to have a passive aggressive jab at that bitch you live with.

First up, myself and Kitty from Red Lemonade will start as randomly as the series will plan to continue –

The Ritual of the Shower.

I could do the male ritual, but that’s no fun.

So here’s, from a man’s point of view –

How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place each item in its own sanctioned laundry basket. See man’s clothes on the laundry area of the floor. Tutt audibly.

Despite the fact that you’re going to be naked in about 7 seconds and you’re only moving about 12 feet, put on a giant dressing gown.

Chocolate or poop? Probably just the latest female beauty body scrub. Nutella with sand in it.

If you see himself along the way, be sure to cover up any exposed areas. He’s seen you naked a million times, but on the way to the shower is off limits.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, grin when you think of how much power your boobs and giney have over your man. Then manufacture the notion that you have wrinkles, cellulite, grey hair and put a plan together that would make a Bridget Jones montage cringe.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, arse cloth, one of those things that looks like mesh on a string and a pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins and a secret blend of herbs and spices. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and you look like you’ve just been taken out of a hole in someone’s basement.

Rinse conditioner off. Shave your armpits and legs. Be sure as always, to time this with the exact day that himself has bought new blades for his Pro Fusion that he was looking forward to using but will now slice his jugular upon contact.

Take the shower cleaning spray bottle out of its place and leave it somewhere that it can be seen to try and guilt himself into cleaning it after himself. It’s a bum move, he’ll just think you did it and not bother.

Get the biggest, driest and fluffiest towel from a fabric softener commercial set you could steal and pat yourself dry.

Get a bigger one and wrap it around your head.

Leave both wringing wet towels on the radiator/towel rack for him to use. Tell him they’re clean and that he shouldn’t be such a bitch just because he wants a dry towel after his shower too.

Return to the bedroom wearing the same long dressing gown as before, and the Peru sized towel on your head, a pair of his socks (probably the pink wooly ones you got him for Christmas that he wasn’t going to wear anyway, but that’s not the point) and slippers.

Same rule as before applies about covering up every square inch of skin.

You’re not a free show after all.

I could get into the post shower ritual, but you’ve all got things to be doing. I won’t keep you for another two hours.

Let’s see what kind of exaggerated nonsense Kitty has made up because she realises I’m right about everything anyway….

]]> http://boob.ie/2012/01/men-and-women-in-the-shower/feed/ 0 http://boob.ie/2012/01/a-woman-with-two-vaginas/ http://boob.ie/2012/01/a-woman-with-two-vaginas/#comments Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:30:47 +0000 Maxi http://boob.ie/?p=42742 First off, we don’t watch a lot of day time telly round these parts.

Well maybe some of us do while we “babysit” our own kids, but apart from that, daytime tv is usually shite.

It’s that reason that we had this tip off emailed to us.

So obviously some of you are watching daytime tv.  Read us instead, dammit!

Anyhoo, onto the headline that got you here because you’re a pervert with one thing on your mind.

Hazel Jones, 27, is a normal girl only with one small difference…she has two “fully-formed” vaginas.

Jones suffers from uterus didelphys, a condition that “occurs when a barrier between two tubes that form the uterus fails to break down during development, leaving two internal channels.” In short, she’s got two fully functional sets of ladyparts. She even claims that she lost her virginity twice.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I guarantee that it’s only a matter of time before the Pornhub network contacts this woman to do some nasty shit.  Or at the very least she’ll get a job sitting beside a naked Angel Long on Television X in between programs trying not to look ashamed of herself.

Or the lads mags will jump on and have her posing with stuffed cats, maybe two of them.  Y’know, double pussies.  Or two squeezy pots of honey.  Y’know, honey pots – double pussies.  Or  two vibrators because of her two vaginas.

How original.

Oh wait, Bizarre have already done that.

(Click for big)

So the interview on ITV daytime telly has done more for her than a shoot in a magazine that specialises in the weird and erm, well, bizarre.

Never mind all that malarkey, I’d have just cast her in a new Bodyform telly ad with the shouty singer chick doing it in harmony.

Click here to view the embedded video.

You’re at your desk at work and you’ve either let one rip, or the usual offender has dropped an air biscuit so potent that you can taste it.

Or, you’re sat on the couch with your laptop/smartphone and you decide to let one go yourself in the comfort of your own house.  The dog may get up and move, but fuck him, it’s not like he’s never cleared a room before.

All normal.  Not the stuff we usually talk about, but we can all relate nonetheless.  Agree?

The following guy has started a movement where he asks people (namely females) if he can sniff their farts.

While you may find that in itself a bit weird, I find it even more weird that he finds women that will let him do it.

I can’t even find a woman to admit that she farts in the first place.

I’m calling shenanigans and genius on this in equal measure.  Not only has this dude got an obvious fetish, but he’s made it socially acceptable and internet friendly enough to get it up everywhere.

If I don’t get a positive reply from Brown Thomas allowing me to set up a toe sucking booth in their designer shoe concessions I’m gonna call discrimination.

Via

Then you’re addicted to porn.

Doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay or confused or just too horny for your poor libido and just want to keep abusing yourself despite your mickey having more blisters and a leper in a burn unit.

There are trillions of men each day who start their routine with a surf of their favourite porn site.  Then to crack one off in the toilet in work on the wifi with your smartphone.  Then again before you go home.  Then surfing on the bus on the way home to see what you’ll be whacking it to when you get home before she comes in.  Then chucking some custard before she does actually get in.

The fact that porn sites are in the top 10 most visited sites in the world would suggest that I’m not in fact lying at all.

You’re a wanker.

Here’s 5 signs that you can cross off your check list just in case you don’t believe me:

You blow your budget on your load.

What’s the most expensive wank you’ve ever had?  Ever actually fallen for one of those Live Jasmine ads and gotten some live webcam time with an Eastern European model with yellow fag fingers who looks like she’s checking her emails instead of coaxing you to spunksi?

Or perhaps you’ve been on your own after a few pints and found yourself pressing the red button for some Television X only to find out that it’s soft porn and won’t do anything for your brewer’s droopy.

Or maybe you’ve got a story that can top my most expensive wank ever.

I doubt it though.

It’s having a bad affect on your career.

Much like your Polish neighbour who came over an accomplished architect and ended up sweeping the floor of the local meat processing plant, you’re working below your qualified level.  But rather than it being as a means to an end so that you can still live a good life of humble labour and dignified independence, it’s just to feed your wank happy habit.

You’ve got a PhD in Irish Literature and History but instead you’re signing up to FAS for a job as a Domino’s pizza delivery man just in case one night you happen to deliver to a group of silly drunk teenage girls who won’t have the money to pay you so you’ll have to settle for a fourway instead.

You’re Masters in Business means that you should be on the board of a massive company as the young go getter about to change the world.  Instead you buy a second hand VW Caddy van, stick UPC on the side of it and randomly call around to houses saying that you’re there to fix the cable.  The housewife will answer the door in her dressing gown that has accidentally fallen open and you can see her heaving bountiful bosom and her minge.  You’ll fix her cable and because her husband handles the finances, she’ll have to fix yours in place of monetary compensation.

Being an actual rocket scientist you should be working for NASA or the Russians or Koreans or who ever is hiring.  Instead, you scan the classifieds for jobs like a school teacher who picks on the prettiest girls, who also happen to be the stupidest, the hottest and the ones who have a need to please their daddies so hard that they’ll let you coat their chins for a promise that you won’t send them home with a bad report card.

Or you’ll actually apply to the lads who make Fucked in Ireland, volunteering to fuck one of the girls from Sheriff Street while a bloke from norf Landaaan wanks in the corner and eggs you on while he films it.

Still, it’s better than working in marketing.