Two Boobs Good, Four Boobs Better!

Just a short one this week.

It’s really only one tip, but we feel it’s more than overdue here at the Boobiedome.  More and more people are falling victim to this trait that makes them seem like a knob.  Trouble is that the more people who behave like this, the more acceptable it becomes in the first place.

Before we tell you what it is, here’s a few reasons why we think this week’s tip is a valuable public service.

• It is not an extension of yourself
• It is not a penis, a vagina, a pair of boobies or even toes, stop admiring it and stroking it.
• It is no longer a novelty for anyone

Ready for it?

Are you sure?

Here it is.

LEAVE YOUR FUCKING iPhone IN YOUR POCKET UNTIL YOU EITHER RECEIVE A CALL/TEXT OR HAVE TO ENGAGE IN A CALL/TEXT.

I have it on good authority that porn makers are toying with the idea of making iPhone porn.  It will mainly consist of people taking their iPhones out of their pockets every 12 seconds, checking for a message, downloading useless apps, wiping smudges off the screen and stroking the screen to make it move about just because the way it scrolls still gives them a horn.

Well they would make the porn, if they weren’t so busy wanking off their iPhones.

Next week will be a much happier place, we promise.  We’re off to therapy.

We’re still right though.

Oh let me count the ways.

Normal people arrive at the bar and know what they want, and order it.  Wait for it, pay for it and enjoy it.

Then you have the people who arrive at a busy bar, tut and sigh because they’re not served first and keep shouting the immortal words “when you’re ready” at the barman in a tone that suggests it better be well before he’s ready.  Rolled eyes a plenty, waving of money and when the barman eventually gets to them, what do they say?

“Hmm, em ok I’ll have a…. no wait.  Oh I dunno what I’m in the mood for”

This is legal grounds for the barman to then kill this fucker with a swizzle stick.  But it goes on…

“Right, I’ll have a vodka and tonic.  But what kind of vodka do you have?”

“Absolut, Smirnoff, Grey Goose”

“No Kettle One?”

“No”

“Oh for God’s sake, what kind of place is this?”

“Who’s next!”

“No wait, I’ll have a grey goose and tonic.  Schweppes tonic, slimline”

“Fine”

“Oh, can I pay by Laser?”

Which brings me around to my other complaints about cunts who think the bar is just for them.  Just because a bar doesn’t stock the drink you might think is trendy at this particular moment doesn’t mean it’s a shite hole.  The more stock a bar carries, the more money is sitting on the shelf.  And they’d rather have money sitting on the shelf that they’re certain will turn into lovely profits.

I’ve been working in this business for over 15 years and there are drinks that just don’t sell.  Like Campari.  Campari was invented by some metrosexual who didn’t like the taste of stuff that didn’t taste like chimpanzee piss with red food colouring in it.  You’ll never sell any.  But every bar will for some reason have a bottle of it, probably for colour more than anything else.  I worked in a place that had a bottle there for 4 years, never sold a drop.  I gave the bottle to the chef who tried to make some kind of desert or sauce out of it.  I shit you not, the very next day two plonkers walked in who only drink Campari.

Fuck you universe.

Here’s the thing, you’re standing at the bar long enough to tut and sigh and roll your eyes.  Take a look around.  If you don’t see the drink you’re after, chances are it’s not there.  You can ask by all means but don’t throw a fit like a spoilt kid in Willy Wonka’s factory when they say they haven’t got it.  People will regress to when they were 4 and their mother wouldn’t get them sweets at the supermarket checkout.  It’s the most pathetic thing an adult can do.

Payment.  Yes you can pay by card.  If you pay by Laser, get cash back.  It’ll save time and a grumpy barman and other tutting customers every time you return with your flexible only friend.  Paying by credit card?  Set up a tab and leave your card behind the counter.  It’ll be safe, if in doubt set it up with a manager or supervisor.  Won’t work in places like nightclubs, but if you’re paying by card in a nightclub the bouncers might be called over to extract your balls with a rusty spoon.

Ordering.  Don’t shout for a bottle of beer to make the barman think that’s all you want and he can get rid of you, only to reel off a whole order when he brings it to you.  But that said, it’s better than ordering a bottle of beer, getting it, ordering another bottle of beer, getting it, ordering a vodka and coke, getting and then ordering something else.  Give the whole order at once, most of us know what we’re doing and can remember stuff.  It’s our job.  Oh, if you have a large round to get in, order the stout first.  Nothing will piss bar staff off more than making a 10 drink order only to have a Guinness ordered last, you fuckwit.

Closing time.  Oh shit the bar’s closing I better order another 12 drinks.  Do you buy extra bread when the supermarket is closing?  Lodge extra money when the bank is closing?  It’s taken you half an hour to drink each of your drinks all night.  Do you really think staff want to wait around for you to finish a marathon round on your own?  It’s a false investment anyway, licensing laws state that 30 minutes after closing, patrons have to be off the premises.  This is why bouncers don’t give a flying fuck how many drinks you’ve bought or how much you’ve spent on them.  Get out.

Ah, I love Thursdays.

Nothing is more manly than a head full of useless information.  It’s used to break the silence in an awkward first date with that Page 3 model you convinced that you were hung like an INXS frontman with the wealth of an Anglo Irish Bank golf ball supplier.  It can be used to spark lively and entertaining man conversation down the pub, and if you have a website dedicated to all things manly you’ll forever be revered as a genius when you publish them and share your manly knowledge and women will want you to touch them in their underwear regions.  Probably.

Some true facts about the Snail.

Snails cannot hear.

The Kauri snail is carnivorous and cannibalistic. Its diet consists of earthworms, insects, insect larvae and snails.

The Ghana Tiger Snail is the largest land snail and can grow up to 30cm.

Some sea snails have modified mouth parts called toxoglossan radula. It’s a harpoon like weapon used for injecting a deadly venom into their victims… including people!

The venom of a Cone Snail is now being harvested for it’s pain killing yet non-addictive qualities. It is 1000 times more efficient in pain relief than morphine and may one day replace it.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

A snail can crawl across a razor blade without getting hurt! This is possible because they excrete a slime that protects them.

Most snails are hermaphrodites, meaning they have both female and male reproductive organs.

Snails eat with a rasping mouth called a “radula,” which has thousands of teeth.

Some sea snails produce sulphuric acid, the most potent of acids, which they use for dissolving the shells of the clams on which they feed.

Some facts about the Snail that we wish were true.

Discovered in 1976, the largest land snail recorded weighed in at 2 lbs and was 15″ long.  I have one just like it as a pet and it looks so cute and tiny next to my naked massive peni – no I can’t finish that in good faith.

Snails are hermaphrodites and have an eye for crazy fashion and an ear for catchy pop tunes.  Lady Gaga doesn’t seem so original anymore, does she?

For a clean fish tank include Astraea Conehead Snails. They are reef tank safe and devour algae at an incredible rate, spending all of its time consuming algae from the rocks and glass.  Although they do have a habit of wearing little snaily French maid outfits and distracting the other fish from doing their fishly duties.  But since we can’t figure out what duties fish might have apart from forgetting shit every seven seconds, so maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

French researchers discovered that the digestive secretions of the garden snail are effective against stomach ulcer. 10 mg of this powder led to a decrease by 42 % of the human stomach acidity.  You can use this or Gavison, both feel like a fireman came in your mouth.

The French eat snails because they believe by eating them they consume the souls of the snail and gain weird spiritual powers.  This of course isn’t true as most snails are ginger and therefore don’t have souls.

More manly facts next Sunday.

That time of the year is upon us yet again.  The count down to Easter Sunday.  We were sad when the baby jesus’ birthday came and went so fast, but we’re happy that we get to celebrate the time he went on the mother of all benders and woke up in a cave.

Kind of like our mate Johnny.

But some people would make us give stuff up before we celebrate this joyous occasion.  Some call it Lent, we call it “Aw man, why can’t I have the stuff I usually want?”

It’s traditionally a religious sacrifice or some noise, but nowadays most people use it as an excuse to lose the weight after Christmas by giving up chocolate.  Won’t do much good as Lent ends on Easter Sunday when you stuff your hungry hole with more chocolate  than is strapped to the back of a secret over eaters toilet bowl.

You might want to give up smoking, but then you wouldn’t look cool and sophisticated and you’d lose that gorgeous ashtray smell that chicks find alluring.

No, forget the normal stuff, here’s what men should be giving up for lent:

Oops, sorry love

Pissing on the toilet seat – You know the drill.  You wait until the last minute before darting to the jacks and fumbling to find your winky monster before unleashing the fury.  You’ve no time to input co-ordinates, you just shoot from the hip.  Before you know it you’re at the business end of a world class hissy fit because she’s “sick and tired of sitting in your piss”. Yeah right, princess.  We would give it up, but on the other hand, that would be changing who we are.

Internet porn/habitual wanking – Yeah.  Ok.

The Xbox – So you’ve spent more time on the thing than you have doing anything else.  You’ve fallen in love with the pixelated honeys that you control with your thumbs and forgotten that you have a real life girlfriend, with real boobs and every thing.  She’ll soon get so pissed off with it that she’ll run off with your brother.  But whatever, your fake girlfriend doesn’t mind mopping up the toilet seat before she uses it.  The Xbox stays.

Showering – We’re pretty much on board with this already.  We only shower because of that “personal awareness” thing they made us sit through in work.  That and the fact that you say we won’t get a gobble until we do something about the congealing.  Plus we’d be doing our bit for the environment by saving water.  There’s always a shower in a can anyway.

Awesome driving – We’ll just stop being considerate and safe on the roads.  We could start putting on make up while we drive.  We could take a fortnight to parallel park badly.  That sounds incredibly sexist.  I apologise.  It must be my time of the month.

What are you giving up for the countdown to chocolate gorge day?

The most punchable faces known to Radge. I have been accused of being an irritable and intolerant person at the best of times, and the following ‘celebrities’ do nothing to help my reputation. Or my blood pressure. Honourable mentions go to Craig Bellamy, Andrew Maxwell and Brian Cowen.

Come and share in my rage…

This fucker, this broken jaw sounding cunt from Mock The Week.

Continuing the panel show theme, it’s Phill Me Full Of Angry Jupitus.

Kevin Gildea. I’d make pulp of his pixie pucker.

Colin Warnock sees me coming, carrying my stick of justice.

No. Just no, Glenda. Well, maybe if you lowered those fucking eyebrows, you dose of cunt.

Gary Neville.

Here is a man who has made a career out of looking like he’s trying not to shit himself.

Heat.

Hello!

OK!

Closer.

Us men know all about these magazines.  Why?  Because women love them.  Not all of them, mind.  Let’s not tar them all with the same brush.  But you’ve surely been sat on the bus next to someone who is glued to the pages of these shameful rags.

You’ve also probably been sat beside a woman in work during lunch or coffee break and heard the squeak:

“Oh my Gawd, Jennifer Aniston is single again?”

Now, the only reason that would interest a man in the room would be if said Jennifer was naked and crying for a hug over by the water cooler.  Other wise, get ta fuck.  I mean who in their right mind would dump Jennifer Aniston?  I would do so much terrible stuff to her, but all in the name of undying love of course.

Why do women crave celebrity gossip so much?

A lot of people would say that this very website (awesome as it is) and lads mags exploit and degrade women.  Pah.  I ask you, which is more degrading?  A model who has not only consensually given her permission to be photographed for publishing purposes, or a “celebrity” that has crawled out of a taxi with no knickers on to be plastered all over the cover of some shite gossip rag?  Models get their pictures taken for a living, like it or not.  A celebrity coming out of hospital after suffering a miscarriage would more than likely feel a lot more exploited and violated than a model for the sake of unit sales or web site traffic.

Anyway, I’ve never understood the whole thing behind the need for celebrity gossip, or the magazines that make it up.  But it’s become a part of our culture at this stage, so we have to deal with it.  Instead of rolling your eyes and wanting to roll up the mag and beat someone with it, we’ve put together a list of suggestions on how to deal with the situation.

It’s not as simple as just ignoring it, it never is.

Here’s a few likely examples of what you might hear from a woman when she’s reading her favourite mag or that butt plug known as Perez Hilton, and what to reply for your own amusement:

I really really wish I was making this one up

She says:

“Oh my gawd, did you hear that Miley Cyrus’ sister is coming out with a range of lingerie for children?  That’s so sick”

You say:

“Do you have to have children to buy it?”

Result:

She’ll never speak to you again while reading a gossip mag, or ever again for that matter.  You may also have to answer some awkward questions with the HR team.  Not ideal.

She says:

“Oh my gawd, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up.  It must be true, it’s in the News of the World AND Heat”

You say:

“That’s because Jennifer Aniston put a curse on Angelina that whenever Brad went near her vajayjay it would start rapping MC Hammer.  That’s enough to turn any man off”

Result:

Due to the lack of action the the good Hammer has given the world in the last 20 years, you might have to explain who he is.  Too much effort.

Jordan, before she looked like a blow up doll on crystal meth

She says:

“Oh my gawd, Jordan is getting married again.”

You say:

“Who’s Jordan?”

Result:

She will instantly combust in a ball of flames at how unbelievable it is that you don’t know who Jordan is.  Of course you do, but since her Page 3 days when she actually looked like a person, you’ve lost all interest.  We all have.  Have a fire extinguisher ready.

She says:

“Oh my gawd, Paris Hilton has a new perfume out, I have to get it”

You say:

“It’s made of dead kitten’s souls, and it has more calories than a slice of fried Kirstie Alley, but if you’re into that kind of thing”

Result:

She’ll scoff and call you a childish name, before checking Wikipedia and Perez Hilton to see if it’s true.  Even if by some fluke it is true, she’ll still buy it.  A result for the horrible evil world of the Hiltons.

She says:

“Oh my gawd, blah blah blah

You say:

“I’m going for a wank”

Result:

Say it every time she’s at a gossip mag and sooner or later through behaviour modification, she’ll soon associate you tugging your plum with her reading those crappy mags and telling you every mind numbing non fact inside.  Everybody wins.

What I found the other day while looking for shock absorbers! ebay

Men love boobs.  We love them so much that we purposely lay about getting no exercise and eating our body weight in Creme Eggs just so that we’ll grow our own.  We tried growing our own vagines once, but it didn’t work.  A sheeps vagine is nice too though, according to our friend Dino in Trim.  We don’t have any sheep, but we did once wrap a warm jar of liver up in an Aran Jumper, and that worked quite nicely.

I’m rambling though.

Boobs are a wonderful creation.  Givers of life and joy.  Men like boobs.  Little boobs, big boobs.  A wise man once said that boobs are like Coke or Pepsi.  We might state a preference, but really we’ll take whatever is on tap.

Indeed.

However, there are some boobs that we wouldn’t touch even if we were stuck on a desert island with a volleyball for company.  Frankly I’d rather get busy with Wilson and raise a family of ping pong balls than see any of these ever again.

Surely you agree:

Maybe if she shaved the goatee

That bra is so tacky

Nipple rings. They seem like a good idea at the time

She's got boobs under those midgets

I've a sneaky suspicion I've seen them in person

Is that a him or a she?

Or am I just being too shallow?