So it’s the time of year when you’re back to college to secure a future in a career that either
- You think you’ll enjoy
- You think you’ll get a job in
- You’ll make a lot of money at
- Get a lot of pussy by association
- All of the above
Well I’ve got sour news for you Jack, it ain’t that sweet.
In my humble opinion you don’t even need to go to college. I have two separate qualifications under my belt, both completely unrelated. As a sound engineer and a chef with pieces of paper to prove that I can do what I say I can do, the only work I can get is supervising the grill at Maccy D’s and taking turns with the drive thru manager to change the stations on the radio.
Ah well.
We were going to do a piece about this advising you of which courses to choose during the summer, but we figured we’d wait until you’d made your choices and then laugh at you for it.
Plus, they don’t do a course in nipple tweaking for lingerie models and redhead toe sucking. Just doesn’t happen.
So instead we’re going to look at different course each week, and if you’re currently “studying” for one of them, here’s what you’ll have to look forward to.*
This week…
History
Who studies it
- People who like old shit, talking about old shit, reading about old shit, like having no friends and a desire to hang onto their virginities.
- People with every episode of Time Team on VHS. (They’re students without Sky or a DVD player)
- People who have been in the same student accommodation for so long that they see it as their kingdom to rule over and punish the newbie students by making them their bitches.
What you’ll learn
- Stuff happened a long time ago to people you never knew
- If you go on an archaeological dig you’ll find bits of terracotta pot and fossilised dog shit
- People used to speak Latin, now they don’t
- Even people in medieval times had sex, which is interesting because you haven’t. And never will. Unless it’s with an equally sad on the inside philosophy student
- You’re getting no pussy
How long it’ll last
- Forever. Everything that happens becomes history. Like the time I once saw a girl in a college that will remain nameless, but rhymes with Maynooth, give blow jobs in exchange for pints of Fosters. She went down in history, but chances are you won’t be studying her. Doctors at the local clap clinic did though. They named an STI after her. I don’t know what little Pamydia is doing these days, but I hear she’s the media.
Jobs you think you’ll get after it
- An archaeologist digging up flower pots and dog shit. You’ll be particularly hated by builders who will have to call you in if they find a rat skull. They’ll have to pay you and they can’t lay a brick until you say so. This makes you a cunt.
- A history professor. You’ll probably hang around Trinity so long that the lecturer will let you piggy back on his lectures and eventually just let you at it while he gets gobbled in the jacks. Then when he gets sacked for fingering the foreign student and setting up a website to show the videos of it, you can just take the job. This means that not only have you spent the last 6 years studying what some dead cunts have done, but now you teach it to other cunts. This makes you a cunt.
- A history teacher. Kind of like the professor in college, but you’re in a secondary school that has the last history teacher buried under the PE hall’s wooden floor. You will have to also teach Geography and Music to make yourself a total cunt.
- Indiana Jones. Don’t be such a silly cunt.
Jobs you’ll actually get
- You could get the lecturers job, but you’ll still be living in the same student digs you were 6 years ago. And you won’t move out because all the newbie students that come to stay are your bitches and the room reeks of your feet and self loathing so much that the landlord can’t give it away to anyone else. You’ll stay at that job until you’re found dead having tried to stick your willy into a mummy on loan from a museum and it had a curse on it and the curse made you die.
- That’s about it. Anyone who hires a person who’s qualified in history is a bigger cunt than someone studying history.
Sorry if we’ve alienated anyone here, but we reckon we may have saved some people. If you didn’t think you were a cunt before, you do now.
*If you don’t drop out or get kicked off for screwing the lecturers daughter and niece simultaneously in the SU jacks.























