There are men that are so epic that every man, at least once, wishes he could be him for a day.

I’m gonna share my list with you, so let’s get going before you get distracted by a picture of a juicy set of boobs, just remember the boobs will still be there, but then again this piece will also still be here, ok go wan go look at the boobs and get back here quick!

Ok your back; let’s get this list on, like Oscar Pistorius puts on his legs, one at a time.

Clint Eastwood: This man oozes manliness, if he was any manlier his man gravity would create a black hole that would devour every vagina in the universe.

Clint is the only man who can make looking like a shaved ball sack cool and “well do ya, punk?” a threat and not a bad camp chat up line.

Although Clint is a great actor and a hardcore bad ass he is an incredibly talented director and composer, you heard me ladies, he writes and performs beautiful music. Clint should be an inspiration to men everywhere; he shows us we can be grumpy and rough while also having a beautiful, yet manly, spirit.

Bruce Lee: I don’t think anything needs to be said here, a picture of him would be enough.

Bruce is one super cool kick ass man. We all know Bruce lee was epic, his abs alone could kick my ass around the Great Wall of China, but he was an incredible philosopher and profound thinker. His philosophy was not just about fighting, it could be applied to life, “don’t get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; you put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; you put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend!” Come on, when was the last time any of you had a thought this deep and profound? The deepest thing most men think about is a vagina.

In fact, in southern New Guinea there is a tribe of virgin bisexual women who will give you access to their lady pieces in exchange for some useless information.

I was there only last Wednesday and when I told them that the lifespan of the average fruit fly is 22 hours, they freaked out and put various parts of me into various parts of them.

It was a glorious time.

Although it was a bit tiring, as I had the Guinness Book of Records app open on the oul smartphone.

I read somewhere this week that Facebook became 8 years old.  So it’s no where near old enough for me to make dirty jokes about poking it or anything.

Ah well, here’s some facts about Facebook.  Use them wisely.

1 in every 13 people on Earth is on Facebook.

In 20 minutes 1,000,000 links are shared on Facebook.

In 20 minutes 1,484,000 event invites are posted.

In 20 minutes 1,323,000 photos are tagged.

In 20 minutes 1,851,000 status updates are entered.

In 20 minutes 1.972 million friend requests are accepted.

In 20 minutes 2,716,000 photos are uploaded.

In 20 minutes 2,716,000 messages are sent.

In 20 minutes 10.2 million comments are posted.

In 20 minutes 1,587,000 wall posts are written.

750 million photos were uploaded to Facebook this New Year’s weekend.

48% of 18 to 34 year olds check Facebook right when they wake up.

50% of active users log on to Facebook in any given day.

The average user has 130 friends.

People spend over 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook.

Average user is connected to 80 community pages, groups and events.

More than 30 billion pieces of content (web links, news stories, blog posts, notes, photo albums, etc.) shared each month.

Every month, more than 250 million people engage with Facebook on external websites.

Since social plugins launched in April 2010, an average of 10,000 new websites integrate with Facebook every day.

There are more than 250 million active users currently accessing Facebook through their mobile devices.

People that use Facebook on their mobile devices are twice as active on Facebook than non-mobile users.

Al Pacino’s face was on the original Facebook homepage.

The meaning of the term “poke” has never been defined.

There is an app to see what’s on the Facebook cafe menu.

Mark Zuckerburg (CEO of Facebook) calls himself a “Harvard Graduate” when in fact he didn’t graduate. Apparently his reply is that “there isn’t a setting for dropout!”

Australian’s spend more time per month on Facebook than any other country at over 7 hours on average.

A Facebook employee hoodie sold for almost €4,000 on eBay.

It is the second biggest website by traffic behind Google.

There is over 16,000,000 Facebook fan pages.

Texas Hold’em Poker is the most popular Facebook page with over 41 million fans.

And here’s some facts about Facebook that aren’t made up, but that we made up.  If you know what we mean:

A person who constantly posts pictures of their kids/pets everytime they shed an eye lash is commonly known as a Cunt.

We all have that friend who “likes” every page, event, product, person, fart, toddler’s snot bubble and does it with the line of “this is hilarious, and true lol x”.  This person is known as a Platinum Cunt.

The person who likes a page for the sake of the free shit they might get/competition they might win all for sharing the page, is universally known as a Freeloading Cunt.

We all, as humans have a brain filter.  This filter stops the shite that goes on in our brains from getting out of our mouths when we talk or our fingers when we type.  This filter is invaluable and a product of evolution.   Some cunts deliberately turn this filter off on Facebook and chronicle every thought and event like we’re meant to give a cunt.

“OMG Fanta Lemon!  LOL!  I haven’t had this in ages!  EPIC WIN!”

“Can’t find my other sock.  Washing machine trolls again lulz”

“So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I’ve ever seen reading every word I ty

Yeah, such a person is called a Gormless Cunt, and Facebook breeds them.

Which one are you?

He’s the writer of the blog Cookie In Africa. It’s a travel blog about his adventures in Africa, but doesn’t cover the tourist stuff. So if you want to hear about the lesser known or more dangerous parts of The Dark Continent then click the link above.

Today, though, he’s helping me out with a list of the rarest or most expensive games we’ve ever played. The following is a list of some pretty hard to find stuff that you may never have even heard of, but may want to check out on ebay before the prices rise even more.

Clock Tower: PS1

This guy was actually pretty scary in 1997.

While this one isn’t the rarest game in the world right now (You could probably get it for about 40 quid), it’s certainly getting there. Pretty soon you won’t be able to pick it up easily, due to the fact that it was published by ASCII and developed by Human Entertainment, both of which are no longer in existence. It follows the events of a Japanese game of the same name that was released a year earlier. Since it didn’t get a release outside Japan, Clock Tower 2 became the American and European Clock Tower.

The game itself is a Point-And-Click that switches between five main characters as they attempt to solve a series of gruesome murders in Norway, performed by the hideously deformed Scissorman (Pictured above). The narrative switches between these characters periodically as they all further their own investigation.

Back in the 90′s, it wasn’t easy for a Point-And-Click to manage action scenes, but Clock Tower managed to pull off some fairly heart pounding moments. Whenever Scissorman showed up, the only way to escape from him was often to hide. That meant putting yourself into a tight spot and hoping that he didn’t find you. If he did, though, you’d find yourself watching one of the games grisly murder scenes. They look tame now, but they were the goriest I’d seen back then.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Jet Set Radio (D-Direst LTD Edition): Dreamcast

It's RAD!!

While researching this one I came across forum after forum of people trying to track it down. It’s quite difficult to find and, while the regular addition can be bought for around a fiver, D-Direct Limited will probably run you about 90 Euro. And don’t even try bargain bins and charity shops. Anyone who has this isn’t going to give it away for nothing.

Jet Set Radio (Called Jet Grind Radio in the U.S.) was the game that pioneered the use of Cel-shading, a rendering technique used to make 3D rendered objects appear cartoon-ish. While it wasn’t the first game to do it, it certainly was the best and most popular at the time and paved the way for other big titles to use it in creative new ways.

The actual gameplay focused on Rollerblading and graffiti. The player has to skate around the city of Tokyo-To, broken up into three areas which represent day, dusk and night, tagging various locations with spray paint. In each area, tasks have to be performed while avoiding the attention of the police and rival gangs. Once the rival gangs are defeated they surrender the area and their belongings to you. There’s not much of a plot and no boss fights, but the challenges can be tricky at times (Like tagging passing trains and cops) and, for 2000, it had some nifty graphics and controls.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Suikoden 2: PS1

Once upon a time, all RPG's looked like this.

Right as I type this  Suikoden 2 is valued at EUR 108.87 in an eBay auction. There are still twenty three days left on that if you want to get in on it, but you better have a stupid amount of spare cash lying around and much less sense to go with it. It’s one of those games that is only going to get rarer and rarer as anyone who has one is holding on to it, keeping supply low and demand high.

I’ve never managed to play this one. None of the game shops in my area ever seemed to have it and, when buying things online became a thing, Suikoden had already become kind of rare. I wanted it, but couldn’t afford it.

It’s an RPG title and, while the world was once awash in RPG titles, it stood out with some fairly striking differences. For one, there are over one hundred characters available for combat, but only a small few to advance the story. There were alo three different combat modes: Regular, Duels and Massive Battles.

They're more massive than they look.

The Regular battles are sort of a staple of RPG’s. They feature a six person party and a turn based fighting system with options for attack, magic, items, etc. The Duels then see you face off against an opponent, one on one, with only three attack options. It works in the same way as rock, paper, scissors with each attack trumping one of the others and losing to the third. That leaves the Massive Battles. Throughout the game over one hundred characters can be recruited. In the Massive Battles, a grid and unit based strategy game, those characters could come into play. Here’s a video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s that kind of thing that allowed Suikoden to stand out. While many other RPG’s had turn or grid based battles, very few had both. Suikoden managed to have both and still flourish, rather than feel like too much spread too thin.

]]> http://boob.ie/2012/02/five-rare-games-that-you-can-buy-on-ebay/feed/ 0 http://boob.ie/2012/01/dirty-words/ http://boob.ie/2012/01/dirty-words/#comments Sun, 29 Jan 2012 14:45:08 +0000 Maxi http://boob.ie/?p=44067 Nothing is manlier than a head of useless information.

Nothing except a head full of brilliantly fucking titty jiggling useless cunting information, about bad language.

Swearing is big and clever and if you think it isn’t, then you’re nothing more of a wanky wanker.

Using big bad words makes you more of a man, a manly fucking man that is capable of pillaging and plundering and fucking the shit out of any moist orifice that crosses your path.  Because it’s your motherfucking god given cracker ass right.

Unless you’re black, then it’s your mofo god given nigger ass right.  And if you think that’s offensive, don’t blame us, according to the BBC, CUNT is a worse swear word than NIGGER.

See?

 Still not convinced of the utter shit fuckery brilliance of bad language?

Click here to view the embedded video.

We rest our case.

Go on, tell us your favourite use of bad language…

I don’t know what else I can say really.

Serbian designer Milos Paripovic came up with this design concept as a bit of a laff but I don’t doubt that there are Apple fans out there would give their right bollock to have one.

“It just works”

“No fuss, simple sleek design and seem less performance”

“It’s just the right shape for your arse”

Yeah, but it doesn’t support Flush!

GEDDIT?

Fuck it.

Anyone who looks at these pictures and says to themselves “That would be the most awesomest thing in the world” deserves to be shot.  In the face.  With a hedgehog gun.  And the hedgehogs are on fire.  Acid fire.  And they bite.

Call it what you want.

The iShite, iShit, iPoo, iDump, iDropthekidsoffatthepool, iBackoneout, iAmtouchingcloth.

We’re calling it the iJacks, because we’re Irish so what else are we gonna call it?

Click the pics for bigger

Via

I’ll admit that when I was browsing various sites over the last month or so and pop ups came at me warning me of the American congress soon to be voting on something called SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) I was a bit meh about the whole thing.

Not because it was in America and we don’t live there and fuck them kind of thing, but because it was America and their government will sign anything into law as long as the lobbyists make it worth their while.

Then the online protesting started by telling people to contact their local representative to stop the bill.

Anyway, it went before the house and Obama told them to get ta fuck.  Proper order.

But my (and our) naivety that surely the lobbyists wouldn’t come as far as us and scare our politicians was tested when we heard (just about, twas all kept a bit hush really) that JUNIOR minister Sean “No Shit” Sherlock was going to push through our very own version of SOPA.  Of course our version isn’t actually called SOPA, it’s called well I don’t fucking know what it’s called, but it’s not as snappy as SOPA.  (It’s actually called the Copyright and Related Rights Act 2000).

Why 2000?

Well Ireland knew this was coming because the lads in Europe had us under orders to sort out copyright and piracy laws.  So a draft was done up to shut them up, purely because our government hadn’t the slightest fucking idea on how to even begin a task like that.  Then it was left.

Fast forward more than a decade and someone was obviously bored, went through our filing cabinets and realised “Hey, this doesn’t actually do anything except shut Europe up whinging at us about this law”.  That someone was Sean Sherlock.  I mean you can’t blame him, he’s only a junior minister.  He was bored to fuckery with all of his own fake promises, and with no jobs to be had to lick up to Richard Bruton, he thought “Fuck it, I’ll do this”.

And off he popped.

But before he popped off to sign in a law without debate he forgot all about his job description - Minister of State with special responsibility for Research and Innovation (Departments of Jobs, Enterprise & Innovation and Education & Skills)

“Well Ted, research, huh?  Innovation?  huh?”  cue blank stare and massive studio audience laugh.

So he went about drawing up this draft that was so vague and naive in its own stupidity that it beggars belief.

First off, I don’t think anyone has the right to steal anything, intellectual property or other wise.  I believe that everyone should be paid for their creativity, be it a stadium selling rock act or a busker selling his own home burned CD’s.  I get that.

The fact that EMI and UPC have been named numerous times by Sherlock in the last week means to me that he is being lobbied by EMI and since Eircom already buckled quicker than a fat kids dreams they obviously told him to go after the next big player in broadband – UPC.

But it has a bigger implication than just you or me not being able to have a sneaky download of Lana Del Rey.

Let’s say that we embed a Youtube video that later gets banned under this new copyright law – not only can the person responsible for the upload be chased, but we can be shut down just for having it there.  OK, fair enough you might say.  But if we don’t even embed it and just link to it, the same thing can happen.

The most serious of cases will have the site either taken down by law, or at the very least the ISP’s will be ordered to block our site to their customers.  It’s not just music.  If someone takes offence to us using a random image we pulled off Google, the same thing can happen.

Someone just doesn’t like us on a moral level?  Put in a complaint that you think we infringe on someone’s copyright and it’s nothing for them to order Eircom, UPC et al to block us.

Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Google and the rest would also be told not to allow us to publish or link from their platforms and as a pain saving measure they’d just delete us from their database and be done with it.

This doesn’t just go for sites like ours, it goes for a lot of sites.

I’m sure lots of you are involved in other sites, blogs and web projects.  Ireland is a very small internet community compared to the rest of the world and it could be made a whole lot smaller.

We never set this site up to make money, if that happens one day and we end up with big fancy offices and work experience scum to make us our tea then that’s all well and good.  This new act will hinder and possibly stop all of that altogether.

There are other sites on the Irish corner of the net who do depend on their sites for their income (or part of it at least) with the view to expanding and growing.  If they get blocked and effectively shut down they won’t be able to do that.  Long story short, your means of supporting yourself is gone, you end up on the long dole queues with countless others depending on the same state that got you into that mess to begin with.

Not only that, but some sites may decide to move their server hosting to another country.  This will have an affect on jobs too.  Everything does.  Hosting your site here with an Irish host can help create or at the very least maintain jobs here.  No sites, no jobs.

There are options.

We could move our servers, save ourselves and say fuck it.

We could just pack it all in and be done with it.

I’d hate to do the first, purely because we shouldn’t have to outsource something like web hosting ffs.

I’d really hate to do the latter because I, and we really enjoy what we do here.  If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be doing it.  And even IF we have infringed on copyright in the past I doubt anyone could ever accuse us of doing it for financial or malicious gain.  We’re poor and we’re lovely.  Case in point.

I was amazed that a Junior minister could bring this into law without debate.

First off, he’s a JUNIOR minister.

Second, laws have to be at least debated and voted on, right?  Right?

Now he’s thrown us all a bone by saying he won’t sign it in without a debate.  Thing is though, he’s hinted that despite a debate it’ll be signed in regardless.  Which leaves me even more confused.  How can a JUNIOR minister threaten such things?

Before last week had anyone even heard of this little fucking upstart cunt?

I really hope he’s just trying to make a name for himself and that EMI have bought him some big boy suits to look fancy while he gave it a go.

So what can we do?

Well you can register your vote against it over at STOPSOPAIRELAND.com (At time of writing this, nearly 60,000 people have already voted)

You can also…
Ring the cunt responsible : 0877402057 / 022-53523
Email him: sean.sherlock@oireachtas.ie
Tweet him: @seansherlockTD
Snail-mail him: Davis Lane, Mallow, Co. Cork.

Oh, and it may look like we’re getting you to troll him, but his contact details are up there for everyone to see, we’re just letting you know all about them!

We’ve just about got 1700 of you lovely people on Facebook, so if this is the first you’re hearing of this whole thing and sign the petition that could be another 1700 names on the list.

Be sure to spread the word, signing the petition takes seconds and it could mean the difference between us and all your other favourite websites surviving.

We’ve put the word out to our mates around the Irish corner of the internet, but if we’ve missed anyone, or if you have your own site, blog, forum or whatever then get involved in anyway you can.  A banner, a graphic, a link, whatever.

It seems to be working already, he’s gone from saying it’ll pass, to saying he’ll debate it, to saying he won’t even sign it without a debate.

With enough online pressure, he won’t get the support he needs in the Dáil.

(Feel free to use anything from this page, we’ll make sure you don’t get sued)

Also check out the statement that PopcultureMonster.com have on their Facebook page, it’s pretty much what I have here, only worded much more betterly.

Let’s show this little cunt that they can take our lives, and our money and our banks and our future and our sense of self worth, but they’ll never TAKE OUR INTERNET!

To join us, PopcultureMonster and others, feel free to email me directly maxi@boob.ie to get involved.

She’s sexy and with a voice like that we reckon she could wank you off just by telling you she was on the moist side.

She is properly sexy although her voice while performing live leaves a lot to be desired.

No, I can’t sing and don’t pretend to be able to.  But she’s a daughter of a rich banker who was probably on an episode of My Sweet 16 on MTV, remember that?  Spoiled little cunts getting what they wanted by holding their breaths and stomping their feet set her up with a record contract with his golfing buddies and set her out on the world.

She’s a professional singer.

She wasn’t this time two years ago, but she is now.

So if she’s going to call herself professional she has to be able to perform like one and sing live.

Sure, others don’t do it, but she’s new and hip and original, so she has to be able to do it.

Here’s clips of her from Jonathan Ross (Fuck you Sherlock)

Click here to view the embedded video.

And on Saturday Night Live

Click here to view the embedded video.

Fuck it, as hot as she looks there, and as hot that would be if it was during some sexy talk, we’re wanting her to be entertaining with her singing and wotnot.

She’s pretty terrible as singers go, so here’s our list of things that would sound better than Lana Del Rey:

1.  Kenneth Williams being fingered by E.T. (For those of you too young to know who he is, Google him then you’ll be rofling with the lolz)

2.  The muffled cries for help from an Austrian basement.

3.  The deafening distraught howls from an orphan at his parents double funeral.  (If that’s too sad, just think of Bruce Wayne.  He’s rich out the arse, who cares how much he cried at his parents’ funeral?)

4.  A phone sex line for deaf people.

“You like that?”

“What?”

“You like that?”

“What?”

“You like that?”

“What?”

And so forth.

5.  A phone sex line run by dumb people.  (No, not stupid people, people who are dumb.) Imagine Marlee Matlin or Lou Ferrigno telling you what they were wearing.  It’d be like eavesdropping on the changing rooms of a special needs school.

“Lick the keys if you want me to finger myself”.

Stop that, that’s bold.

6.  The sound… … … … of the Under Ground.  Girls Aloud.

7.  David McSavage.

8.  Natalie Cassidy’s fanny fart.

9.  Peter Andre singing the hits of Enya.

10.  Pat Shortt in another HIGH-larious 2-2-2-2-2-2 advert.  G’WAN PAT YOU FUCKING SIDE SPLITTINGLY FUNNY CUNT!  STOP IT, I MIGHT JUST DIE FROM LAUGHTER!

11.  A gas leak.  If you’re Jewish.  And it’s the early 1940′s.

12.  Your mother’s sexual gratification.

13.  The deafening distraught howls from an orphan at his parents double voodoo zombie resurrection the exact second after they try to eat his brains and he realises he’s better off being fucked by The Joker.

14.  The sweet sweet sound of masturbation when the only other person in the room is your touchy uncle and you’ve long since finished.

15.  This Dormouse snoring:

Click here to view the embedded video.

16.  The sound of Botfly larvae eating your brains while you sleep.

17.  Stacey Solomon rapping the hits of Jedward.

18.  Jedward 69-ing (which we know goes on).

19.  George Hook having to strain during a bowel movement.

20.  Heather Mills taking her fake foot off after a particularly long walk and it has that sucky moist smacking sound when it comes off the stump.

21.  That smell you get when you open a packet of ham and you peel back the plastic for the first time?  I know it’s not a sound, but that smell is better than Lana Del Rey’s voice.  Sort of like when you get a cast removed, and Mills’ foot smacking brought that one on.

22.  Andrew Maxwell.

23.  Hearing some South Dublin girl talk like she’s in fucking L.A.

24.  Hearing some North Dublin girl talk.

25.  The sound that the fat, socially awkward girl (there’s always one, everywhere) makes when she laughs at her own “joke”.  It’s always just loud enough to drown the sound of her dying inside and wanting another cake.

26.  Justin Beiber on the receiving end of Selena Gomez’s bung numbler.

27.  … … …

We’re leaving this one up to you.

Either drop one in the comments, or on our Facebook page and each one will be put in a draw to win a Boob.ie goodie bag full of awesome shit.

Do it!

Text by Maxi and Paddy

Think you can do better?  Then show us, you little bitch!

Sean Sherlock, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

Sherlock said, “How about €50?” The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “He should. He was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, Sherlock came to the door to collect his money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” Sherlock answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the €50. “And by the way,” Sherlock added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

I’m not saying he is stupid, but…….. Anyway, on to todays cartoon.

“25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25″

That’s a lot of things.

 I haven’t even got a list that long for life.

Maybe I’m sad that way, but as I read down the list I figured that we could do a comparable list.  So in the interest of fairness, here’s our lists side by side.  You can show your missus the list then show us ours and watch as she realises she’s on the wrong side.

“1. Have a really good one-night stand with a gorgeous guy.

Forget about your personalities matching up and forget about Facebooking him the next day. Appreciate the smoking hot naked body…and take some Plan B in the morning just in case, because if you did it right, you have no way of ever contacting him.”

Yeah, and let’s face it while she’s off doing that because you’re an ugly fucker that wouldn’t even get pity sex off Colleen Rooney you can always keep yourself busy.

Perhaps you could go to her house (she’ll be at his, don’t worry) and sniff her room mate’s knickers.  Have a cheeky wank in them if you’re feeling dangerous.  Just don’t get caught sucking off her dildo while you wail away at yourself in her bra, it’ll take some creative explaining to get out of that one.  Trust me.

“2.  Do an illegal drug.

Otherwise your kids will think you’re totally lame 30 years down the road when they’re all like “Mom, I bet you were so wild and fun back in the ’10s” and you’ll have to respond “well, one time I drank beer before liquor.”

Do illegal drugs with her.  Then get her sister over and when they’re both out of their tits it’ll be easier to convince them to take part in a little bit of Fritzl basement roleplay.

Ah incest, the most illegal drug of all.

“3.  Live in another country (even if just for a short time)

You’ll get an entirely new perspective on our country, on the world, and on how far reaching American scandals go in other countries. Nothing like your Spanish host mom bringing up Monica Lewinsky years after the fact.”

It's her own fault for having a sister this hot

Go see her sister again.

“4.  Travel on the cheap.

Pick a destination and do it up, backpacking-style. Stay in hostels, eat unidentifiable food, and make sure to have anti-diarrhea medicine on hand. Once you’re over 25, your body will no longer be able to stomach staying in those places, eating that food, and experiencing food poisoning in front of a ton of foreign strangers.”

Wow, check those nipples out.

Make her feel stoopid by flying first class everywhere, staying in top hotels and mingling with the local in crowds.  Sure it’ll cost you more money than you can legally earn but you’ll be happy and she’ll be shitting botflies and coughing up diarrhoea.

Besides, if you’re with her and you do the whole back packing thing, you’ll both smell.  More importantly her rating of shaving will take a sharp down ward spiral in the priority list.  Depending on how long you’re about the hair on her head might not be the only lot that gets all matted and dreadlocked.

 ”5.  Confront a fear.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of heights or a fear of spiders, figure out a way to face it head on just once.”

Remind her of her debilitating fear of anal sex.

“6.  Have sex with the lights on.

Be brave and be bold. He’ll find you even sexier, which will only boost your own self-confidence.

Do it with the lights on, during the day and see if you can finish before your father’s voice in your head kicks in – “Who has started shitting money then, fucking lights on everywhere!”

“7.  Splurge on an awesome pair of jeans.

Fine, these'll do

Mark sure that they fit you really well. Bonus points if they also fit your completely different-sized best friends just as well and make magical things happen.”

Splooge on an awesome pair of tits.

You saw that one coming didn’t you?

“8.  Apologise to someone you were mean to in school…”

Except for that one girl who didn’t need braces, everyone was feeling insecure and left out in those days. A quick Facebook message apology will brighten her day.”

Fuck that.  Track down the person who bullied you, find his mother, spend months (or weeks depending how frustrated she is), seducing her and then have your wicked way with her.  Video tape it, photograph it and submit it to RedTube.com.

Bonus points for doing anal with her on his old bed.

“9.  Make a real guy friend who is just a friend.

As in you don’t want to ever see him naked and he doesn’t ever want to see you naked. No points if you’re related.”

Piss yourself laughing right in her face when she tells you what she’s accomplished.  ”We’re just really good friends, I think he might actually be gay”.  He’s not gay, he’s not just a friend.  In fact we’d be surprised if he wasn’t sucking off your dildo and wailing on himself when you were showering the morning after your sleep over.

Unless he/she’s fat, then it’s totally believable.

“10.  Get a job working with food or working with clothes.

You’ll never treat your waiters, your bartenders, your sales people the same way ever again. You’ll suddenly understand why they ask you to get off the phone when you’re ordering and why they request that you take your clothes out of the dressing room.

I actually can’t fault this one, I firmly believe in this one.  Having said that…

Boobs

“11.  Figure out what kind of wine you actually like.

There is life beyond Franzia and you’ll feel so mature and adult when you can tell a date that you prefer a dry Chardonnay over a sweeter Pinot. The best way to figure this out on the cheap? Go on a wine tour. You’ll sort things out real quick. Oh, and learn how to work a corkscrew. No wine is enhanced by chunks of cork floating around.”

Yeah, while she’s doing this you’d be better off figuring out which wines didn’t turn her into a bitch the next day, or even while she’s drinking them.  I knew a girl once who was always up for sex whenever she was drinking wine.  She’d drink wine and give all my mates blowjobs and handjobs and rimjobs.  Then I turned up and she suddenly wasn’t “that kind of girl”

Merlot must have disagreed with her.

“12.  Make a road trip with your friends.

The destination doesn’t matter. As Miley Cyrus once “sang,” it’s all about the climb. Nothing brings friends closer than endless games of “Count the Cracker Barrels,” hours upon hours of deep conversations (out come the family secrets!), and Disney sing-a-longs.”

Let her have this one.  Even if I was in a paddling pool full of unicorn semen and rainbow flavoured pride I still couldn’t top that for gayness.